Anakin didn't last long as the newest member of The Ghostbusters.


Anakin didn't last long as the newest member of The Ghostbusters.

STAR WARS: EPISODE II - ATTACK OF THE CLONES

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A VERY FOGGY CORUSCANT

A glimmering ship cuts through the fog, eventually landing, followed closely by two smaller Nubian transports.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Look! We figured out how to do fog!

JAY LAGA'AIA emerges from one of the smaller ships, as does THE REAL SENATOR NATALIE PORTMAN

JAY LAGA'AIA

Looks like there was no danger at all. I suppose your decoy can get off the ship now.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Decoy? Was I planning on still screwing around with that horrible bullshit?

Suddenly, the ship explodes, killing crew members and NATALIE'S DECOY! Every single element of all shots now appear to be computer-generated.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Decoy! No!

NATALIE'S DECOY

I'm sorry, I've failed you.

NATALIE PORTMAN

How? You were my decoy. This was your job - in fact, this was your ONLY job. Frankly, I'm not sure why I'm so upset, why else did I think I was hiring you?

NATALIE'S DECOY

(dies)

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wait, since you're my decoy, shouldn't you at least look like me? And not be Mexican?

JAY LAGA'AIA

We have to go to another obviously computer-generated location and interact with computer-generated characters. Hurry, before the movie gets boring.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Look, I really appreciate your concern, but this is the second movie where you've been up my butt.

JAY LAGA'AIA

No no, that was the other black security guy. I have an eye patch. See?

NATALIE PORTMAN

So, what, do I find all of the black people in the galaxy and make them my security guards?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

NATALIE PORTMAN enters a room full of JEDI COUNCIL MEMBERS and the aging SENATOR IAN MCDIARMID.

IAN MCDIARMID

Natalie! You look.. Exactly the same. Why am I the only one who actually aged ten years?

NATALIE looks in the vicinity of the floor, where FRANK OZ sits with a green mask on in front of a giant blue set.

YODA

Heard about the explosion, I did. Seeing you again brings warmness to my heart. Wait, that's not my heart.

IAN MCDIARMID

I'm bringing in Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen to keep an eye on you.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Why them?

IAN MCDIARMID

Because it's part of my evil scheme. Uh, somehow. Look, do you want to pork the little kid from Tatooine or not?

JAR JAR

When they arrive, I'll be sure to announce it twice for no reason.

AUDIENCE

GOD DAMN IT! FUCK YOU! WHY ARE YOU STILL FUCKING HERE?! Jesus Christ on a crapstick!

EXT. CORUSCANT

LEANNA WALSMAN and TEMUERA MORRISON meet inconspicuously.

TEMUERA MORRISON

Here. I got these assassin bugs for you to use.

LEANNA WALSMAN

Thanks for the bugs. It's a good thing you, a bounty hunter, hired me, a bounty hunter, to do absolutely nothing other than put this tube into a flying droid which you could just as easily possess. It gives me some real purpose.

TEMUERA MORRISON

Meh. You make another action figure. With quick-change face shift action!

INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM

NATALIE sleeps, R2D2 guarding over her. EWAN and HAYDEN are in the adjacent room.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Just being around her again is intoxicating. I haven't seen her since the last movie.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Wait a minute... Coruscant appears to be the home base to both the Senate and the Jedi.. And you haven't even run into each other in ten years?

Hayden has his eyes closed and and a shit-eating grin on his face.

EWAN MCGREGOR

What are you doing?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

She made me turn the cameras off. Luckily for me, her thoughts betray her - she's having one of those nightmares where she shows up to the senate naked. Mmmm.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Hayden, pay attention. Be mindful of the force and do what I tell you. I had almost completed my own Padawan training when I took you as my apprentice, so I have ever so slightly more training than you.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Nuh uh.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Yuh huh! And I do a great impression of Alec Guinness, too!

AUDIENCE

Wow.. So.. Uh.. apprently Jedi bicker incessantly.

NATALIE PORTMAN (O.S.)

Icky! Bugs!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs in, hops on the bed, and kills the bugs.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I knew I'd be on top of you in bed someday.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Bah. Ten years of Jedi training and the coolest thing you've done is be a badass exterminator.

YODA

Set the story into motion we must. Ewan, get to the bottom of this. Talk to a distractingly CGI character in a diner.

EWAN MCGREGOR

A diner? Doesn't a diner severely ruin a sense of the distant fantasy Star Wars holds?

YODA

Ahem. Midichlorians.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Diner. Right. I'm on my way.

YODA

Hayden, you will take Natalie back to Naboo. She'll be safer with an unpredictable, dangerous apprentice who shouldn't have been trained than she would be on a planet populated largely by Jedi.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Don't use registered transports, either.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I was thinking she could ride my--

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Just go.

INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM

HAYDEN is whining to NATALIE as she packs.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

..and, and he always yells at me in front of my friends, and he won't let me watch TV past 10, and he tells the CORNIEST jokes when we're out in public..

NATALIE PORTMAN

Jesus, is this your way of impressing me?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

(leering at her)

No, my boyish magazine-cover-model eyes are.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Don't look at me like that.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Why not?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Because it could get you arrested anywhere else, you fucking creep.

They get into a blue screen, which later becomes a SHIP.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I'm scared, Hayden. I'm scared that I'll be known only for Star Wars because obsessive geeks can't seem to separate me from my characters.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I'm scared too. Hey, but we have R2 with us!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Ha ha! Wait, why? Doesn't he fix ships? Why is he even here?

EXT. RAIN PLANET

DIRECTOR GEORGE LURCAS

Look! We got rain right too!

EWAN MCGREGOR slowly uncovers the extremely simplistic mystery. He meets TEMUERA MORRISON

EWAN MCGREGOR

Hi there.

TEMUERA MORRISON

I'm just a simple man trying to make his way in the universe.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Er, um, that's great. So who are you?

TEMUERA MORRISON

My clone son is Boba Fett. He was a small role in the original trilogy and ravenous Star Wars fanboys elevated his importance based merely on his cool appearance. George Lucas, utterly sacrificing whatever vision he claims to have for the series, has made his role much more important by coincidently making his father responsible for the clone wars. But you can take a flying leap up my ass, Jedi scum.

They FIGHT.

TEMUERA MORRISON

Isn't it cool how badass I look?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Actually, you seem somewhat inept in this fight. I'm outsmarting you and kicking your ass repeatedly.

TEMUERA MORRISON

Hey, I said I look cool, I didn't say I was good at fighting. I'm modeled after the original Boba Fett; he gets killed by a blind guy accidentally.

TEMUERA MORRISON escapes, sans much of his armor and weaponry.

EXT. ENORMOUS, OPEN FIELD

Romantic music swells in the background as HAYDEN and NATALIE sit in the grass, talking.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

It's hard being a Jedi. I like the part where I kill stuff and kick ass, but the stuff about not bumping uglies with you totally sucks.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I thought love was forbidden for a Jedi.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not go throwing the L-word around so suddenly, I just want to fuck. Now why don't you get naked and stop being a senator.

NATALIE PORTMAN

You really hate politicians, don't you?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I don't think the system works. We need someone telling everyone else how to think.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Sounds an awful lot like the original trilogy to me.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

It's better than the system you've devoted your life and childhood to, you pathetic waste of flesh.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I think I'm falling in love with you. You know how to sweet talk a lady.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Guh, you're soft. Can I touch you?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Let's wrestle in an uncomfortably erotic manner.

They run through the open field, playing with animals and giggling like children. NATALIE'S sundress flows behind her majestically.

AUDIENCE

(staring at tickets)

Star. Wars. Attack. Clones.

(looking back at the screen)

Did we walk into the wrong theater?

NATALIE PORTMAN

I won't let genital herpes get in the way of MY youthful frolicking!

INT. SECRET EVIL BASE

EWAN MCGREGOR uncovers a secret meeting between CHRISTOPHER LEE and a bunch of FUCKING CARTOONS.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Soon, every powerful group in the galaxy will join my cause. Then, we will take over! Uh, I mean, separate from the republic.

EVIL ALIEN

I'm back, but my obviorsry Asian accent has been toned down a bit. I agree with you, Christopher Ree! Now, ret's kill Natalie Portman, because I apparentry have gone from being corrupt and stupid to being insanery sadistic and stupid in the rast ten years.

Various PATHETICALLY FAKE LOOKING CHARACTERS respond in agreement to CHRISTOPHER LEE.

EWAN MCGREGOR

Jeepers, R4! I better get a message back to the gang!

INT. DARK ROOM WITH A FIREPLACE

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I love you, Natalie. Why can't we be together?

NATALIE PORTMAN

Um, because my name would be Padme Naberrie Amidala Skywalker. I may have put Jar Jar in charge in my absence, but I'm not a complete moron. Besides, I'm kinda worried Lucas is going to tell us we're brother and sister. We must not fall in love. Excuse me while I change into something that reveals more cleavage.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I wish I could just wish away my feelings by wishing a wish with which one wishes!

NATALIE PORTMAN

Wow. And George had help with the script, too.

HAYDEN finds out that his mother was killed by TUSKEN RAIDERS, so he slaughters every single last one of them.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I killed them all, Natalie. Women and children, too.

NATALIE PORTMAN

I see. I'm definitely in love with you now. Let's go rescue Ewan McGregor, who has been abducted on Geonosis. But first, let me change into yet another god damned outfit and spawn yet another god damned action figure.

INT. GEONOSIS

EWAN MCGREGOR

You'll never get away with this, Christopher Lee.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

That's, what, the three thousandth time I've heard that line in my career? Join me, Ewan.

EWAN MCGREGOR

In what?

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Uh, my, um.. I dunno. Whatever dude, it doesn't matter, we're all Ian McDiarmid's pawns anyway. You're fucked, enjoy being spidercrab food.

He leaves. NATALIE and HAYDEN arrive to rescue him. First, there is a short MEGA MAN GAME.

EXT. ENORMOUS FIGHTING ARENA

NATALIE, HAYDEN, and EWAN are chained to giant posts. Three monsters emerge, ready to kill them.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh, look, I got a big kitty. Looks like I'll be fine, how are you guys doing?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

I sure am glad I'm wearing black robes right now.

Everyone fights their designated monster. NATALIE'S KITTY rips the midriff of her shirt off perfectly, exposing her well-toned tummy.

NATALIE PORTMAN

That was subtle.

As they fight, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON comes in and puts a lightsaber to TEMUERA'S neck. He glares at CHRISTOPHER LEE.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Normally, both of you would be dead as fucking fried chicken by now, but since I'm in a transitional period, I don't want to kill either one of your asses.

Numerous JEDI appear. There is a shaky battle with an impossible-to-follow amount of stuff going on. Eventually, there is a break.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

Surrender.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

Nope.

The battle resumes exactly where it left off. Suddenly, YODA arrives with CLONE TROOPERS. The CLONES rip the place up.

AUDIENCE

Holy shit, they can actually aim!

CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes on a small speeder. He looks COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. EWAN, NATALIE, and HAYDEN chase after him.

INT. BAY

CHRISTOPHER prepares to leave, but CERTAINLY NOT TO VISIT IAN MCDIARMID. CHRISTOPHER LEE shoots lightning at EWAN, who absorbs it into his lightsaber.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

You can absorb force lightning?

EWAN MCGREGOR

Oh, yeah, of course. I really ought to tell Luke that at some point, shouldn't I? I bet that would be helpful.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

God. Whatever.

He beats down HAYDEN and EWAN after a surprisingly tame lightsaber duel. YODA walks in. They levitate stuff and use lightning.

CHRISTOPHER LEE

It's obvious this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the force, but by our ability to spit out our own horrible lines.

YODA

Yoda I am. Look badass while acting goofy I can.

They FIGHT.

AUDIENCE

YODA IS FIGHTING! THIS IS AWESOME!

(pause)

Wait, this looks fucking stupid. Why am I tolerating this assault on my childhood?

CHRISTOPHER LEE

It's obvious this contest cannot be decided by our skills with a lightsaber either, but rather by.. Um.. how many character names you have. Let's see, I have two or three.

YODA

I only have one. Go you may.

CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes. EWAN rises.

EWAN MCGREGOR

I had this horrible dream. I was an actor, and my job consisted of prancing about on blue sets and talking to sticks with pictures of faces taped to them. It was horrible. Who would do such a thing to the world of cinema?

YODA

It's all over now. Back in three dimensional, somewhat textured world you are.

NATALIE runs in.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Hayden! I'm completely in love with you, despite never being given a single god damned reason for it to be so. Let's get married!

IAN MCDIARMID

Yes, yes! Get married! Have children who will one day turn my Sith apprentice against me and lead to my demise! Everything is going according to my design!

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Stay tuned for the next installment: It Came From the Dark Side!

END

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