STAR WARS: EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE JEDI
The Abridged Script
INT. NEW DEATH STAR
DARTH VADER enters and intimidates everybody.
So, looks like our DEATH STAR is becoming operational again. Glad to see we still kept the ridiculous name.
Greetings Anni. I'm so glad you could come here and kill those of us who fail you.
Quiet fool. The Emperor is coming. Now I shall allude to the Emperor being even more evil than me, which will establish him as frightening before we even have to see him. That's good because he really just looks like a crotchety old guy with a bath robe.
INT. JABBA'S PALACE
JABBA appears to be smoking out of a large hookah.
I am so fucked up right now. Whoa man, look how red my eyes are.
(begins laughing hysterically)
Oh man, you know what would be sooooo good right now? Those little rat-like animals I eat all the time! With some mustard! And chocolate icing! Awwww shit.
C3PO and R2D2 enter and show JABBA a message from MARK HAMILL.
My costume makes me look kind of like a priest.
This guy isn't a Jedi. Notice how I speak Huttese to the largely English- speaking droids yet I speak English to Jabba?
The droids are taken away to act foppish and comical. We see droids being subjected to torture. Seriously.
JABBA is being entertained by various aliens including a hot green chick. Suddenly, a large number of very obviously CGI aliens partake in an overly long dance sequence. STAR WARS FANS hold their heads in their hands and begin to cry.
I'm fucking cool, by the way. See these chicks hanging all over me? Shit I rule.
A rescue attempt begins taking place.
BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
I will now pull down my mask. This serves no actual purpose here in Jabba's palace, and I am doing it solely for the audience. How long have I been here anyway? Couldn't I just have shot JABBA by now?
CARRIE FISHER rescues HARRISON. She then gets CAUGHT and put into a small gold bikini. STAR WARS FANS have now been fueled for twelve thousand more masturbation fantasies.
Whoa, Carrie is fucking hot.
Oh man, you're gonna be so pissed in a little while.
Wha? Oh no! Mark Hamill! Er, wait. It's Mark Fucking Hamill. Put him in the pit with the claymation monster. And be sure the monster has a huge black line around it! And try to shoot it in a different format so that it looks really stupid next to Mark.
MARK kills it. Everyone is taken to the SARLACC PIT. MARK puts a somewhat awkward-looking plan into action and escapes. Also, BOBA FETT is killed in a depressingly slapstick way.
CARRIE throws her chain around JABBA'S neck.
Ahh, ya like it rough, eh bitch? I dig. Hey, wait a minute..
He DIES. Everyone gets away.
INT. DEATH STAR
The Emperor arrives.
Where are my prunes?
They're in my chamber, my master.
Excellent. Now, I've been thinking.. we can turn Mark to the dark side. This would result in two sets of a 6- comic book miniseries in which he goes to the dark side to beat me, but the first 5 issues are all plot establishment and the last issue ends anti-climactically.
As you wish.
MARK greets YODA.
Frank Oz seems to have forgotten how to do my voice. I now sound like Miss Piggy if she were a chainsmoking drunk.
I'm here to complete my training.
Oh. Uh, I dunno I'm kind of tired. I guess you're done. Have fun.
Then I am a Jedi.
Ha ha, yeah, sure, whatever. You have to fight Vader first.
Er, but, last time you saw me you told me I wasn't ready to face him. And I haven't trained more since then. So why am I ready to face him now?
Arrrgh, leave me alone. You picked a bad day to come, I decided this morning I was going to die. Talk to Alec, okay? Now fuck off and go home.
You said my father was dead, man.
Ahh, well, when he became Darth Vader the man who was your father ceased to exist. So, technically, Darth Vader killed your father. See? It wasn't a lie.
That's fucking weak.
Oh yeah? Well Carrie is your sister! Ha ha! You got an erection from frenching your sister!
INT. REBEL BASE
Everyone has met to plan an attack on the new DEATH STAR.
GUY WITH FISH HEAD
Ok, so we're gonna blow this up again. It's being protected by a shield on Endor. There you will see cute little teddy bears. Good luck!
Everyone is making their way toward the DESTINATION.
I'm going to repeatedly make obnoxious sounds now. Nraaayh!
All HELL breaks loose and a race through the woods results. We also get to see a little more evidence that stormtroopers are complete fucking morons.
Everyone is capured by EWOKS! The EWOKS think C3PO is a god.
I'd love to use this to our groups advantage, but apparently I've been specifically programmed not to impersonate deities. This is a high priority in my programming. God- impersonating must be a serious problem with protocol droids.
I'll do it anyway, though. Just don't ask me to impersonate clowns, anchormen, or truckers. That is strictly forbidden in my programming.
I'm going to go try to convert my Dad. All of you can try to take down the shield generator.
Everyone goes to destroy the generator. A huge battle ensues between Imperial troops, the rebels, and the ewoks.
RABID STAR WARS FANS LIKE MYSELF
Ugh! This is the worst film in the series! These Ewoks! They're so childish and ridiculous and cutesy!
Uh.. folks.. these ARE children's movies, you know.
RABID STAR WARS FANS LIKE MYSELF
Quiet! They are mature space sagas! Some of the greatest fantasy films ever made!
I'd just like to mention that twenty minutes ago I had a deep conversation about the meaning of life with a green puppet. Anyway, I'm off to convert my dad's religion.
INT. DEATH STAR
So, dad, whaddaya say we grab a brewski, go bowling, and talk about you not being such an asshole all the time.
Uh.. gee.. I dunno.. maybe we should ask the Emperor.
You know.. I'm the one who gave the rebels the location of the generator.
Er, you gave them the location of the ACTUAL generator? Not some decoy? I mean, isn't that pretty stupid?
Quiet! Don't sass your elders, boy!
Hey, anyone ever notice how I sometimes talk and breathe at the same time? Isn't that weird?
BILLY DEE and CREW have a space battle which is not particularly interesting.
HARRISON, CARRIE, CHEWBACCA, and a SHITLOAD OF EWOKS have a battle which is stupid-looking and annoying.
INT. DEATH STAR
Interaction between MARK, VADER, and the EMPEROR continues. We want MARK to win because he is the good guy, but if he doesn't kill VADER he might be killed.. however, if he does kill VADER the EMPEROR wins. He can't kill the EMPEROR because VADER is protecting him. If he kills both, he gives into hatred and goes to the dark side. The dynamic is interesting and very tense. This cool, dark scene is repeatedly interrupted by the OBNOXIOUS EWOK BATTLE and the POINTLESS SPACE DOGFIGHT.
Eventually, the generator is destroyed. BILLY DEE can blow up the DEATH STAR.
Dad, come on man, be good.
He kills the EMPEROR. The rebellion wins! Everything is resolved!
Well, it looks like we won. That is, unless you read the books or comics.
It's worse than that, actually. Remember, I supposedly have plots for three movies that take place AFTER these three, which means some huge conflict is still unresolved. I won't make the movies, though. Hell, I won't even tell anyone what I'm thinking. Ha ha, fuck you all!