FADE IN:

INT. A STARSHIP

CARRIE FISHER

I’m the princess. I am obviously not wearing a bra. We are being abducted by the evil empire, which is evil in that the main bad guy is dressed all in black.

DARTH VADER

That’d be me. Breaking into your starship and killing your guards is wizard. Yipee.

R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.

IMPERIAL GUARD

There are no life forms, leave it alone. I’m quite a moron, aren’t I?

CARRIE FISHER

Now I will shoot exactly one stormtrooper.

STORMTROOPER

There she is. Set for stun. She’ll be alright. Who the hell am I saying this to, don’t my colleagues know she’ll be alright?

DARTH VADER

Give me the plans to our DEATH STAR, which is always written in capital letters and is actually quite a stupid name if you stop to think about it.

CARRIE FISHER

Why do you need them? Didn’t you finish building it? Ha ha!

DARTH VADER

That’s not funny. Remember hun, Daddy doesn’t like it when you make fun of him. Oops, I mean..er..uh..

CARRIE FISHER

Besides, why do you assume we only have one copy? If they were ‘beamed’ aboard here, couldn’t we just as easily beam them elsewhere or make copies and send them all over the place?

DARTH VADER

Take her away!

EXT. DESERT

C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl and makes it almost intolerable.

R2D2

Blip blip.

C3PO

What? I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m not gay, just randomly British! Very very very British..

R2D2

Blip!

C3PO

Don’t call me that!

They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his UNCLE.

UNCLE

Mark, come help me pick up some droids.

MARK HAMILL

(whining really hard)

Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the middle of Super Mario Brothers. Jeepers.

UNCLE

But picking out droids is when I need you the most.

MARK HAMILL

(to jawas)

Uh.. we need someone that can decode moisture something-or others.

C3PO

Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of that.

MARK HAMILL

..right. Uncle, this one’ll do. And let’s also get that other one.

UNCLE

Wow, it’s a good thing you two droids both happened to meet up again. And it’s pretty lucky that other droid broke. And it’s really damn lucky you’ve been bought by someone who knows Alec Guiness.

C3PO

And what an amazing coincidence I was actually built by Darth Vader.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Uh.. that’s not luck or coincidence. It’s the Force. Anything that seems stupid is not stupid because of the Force, understand?

UNCLE

How do you explain the fact that I don’t remember either of them, even though they’ve both been here before and I ACTUALLY OWNED C3P0 FOR A LONG TIME.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

They did? Oh, right! Eh, whatever.

CARRIE FISHER

Help me Alec Guiness, you’re my only hope.

MARK HAMILL

Whoa, she’s fucking hot. Hmm, I felt kind of disgusted saying that.

ALEC GUINESS

Heh, I know something you don’t know. Neener neener.

MARK HAMILL

What?

ALEC GUINESS

Nothing. Let’s go to a shady bar type place and hitch a ride to Alderaan.

HARRISON FORD

Hey, I can help, as long as I can do so suavely. I am suave, you see. Let me first go talk to an assassin sent by Jabba Hutt, then one building over to find Jabba actually there in the special edition.

JABBA

Hey. I look fucking ridiculous.

HARRISON FORD

Alright, let’s go.

They go to Alderaan only to discover it has been converted into a very large number of bright specks.

HARRISON FORD

Oh fuck. I think we all collectively have a bad feeling about all this.

INT. DEATH STAR

MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all sneaking about.

ALEC GUINESS

I must valiantly venture out to shut off the tractor beam shit.

All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don’t. Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don’t. Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don’t.

DARTH VADER

Alec! How’s it going, old buddy? Still banging that Padme chick? No wait, that was me..

ALEC GUINESS

Oh blow me. God I hate this fucking movie.

They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.

ALEC GUINESS

Oh, good. Mark’s here, I can die now.

He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back later and he himself appears repeadedly in the sequels.

INT. REBEL BASE

CARRIE FISHER

It’s a good thing we got those plans. We discovered that this thing was built by a four year old. If we drop a bomb thingy into this big hole on the outside, it’ll actually blow up the entire ship.

MARK HAMILL

Er..

CARRIE FISHER

That’s right. The ENTIRE ship.

HARRISON FORD

It’s not so outlandish. The X-wings explode if you shoot them once.

EXT. SPACE

Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.

ALEC GUINESS

Don’t use the targeting computer, Mark. Use the Force!

MARK HAMILL

I see now. I am abandoning the technological advancement in favor of instincts and emotion. It is truly an excellent metaphorical warning against the over industrialization of our society. I see now that success does not lie in our meaningless technologies, but in our hearts, our minds, and our feelings.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS

Yeah, don’t worry, I drop that dumbass message/theme bullshit in favor of crass commercialism by the next movie.

END