STAR WARS: EPISODE IV - A NEW HOPE
The Abridged Script
INT. A STARSHIP
I'm the princess. I am obviously not wearing a bra. We are being abducted by the evil empire, which is evil in that the main bad guy is dressed all in black.
That'd be me. Breaking into your starship and killing your guards is wizard. Yipee.
R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.
There are no life forms, leave it alone. I'm quite a moron, aren't I?
Now I will shoot exactly one stormtrooper.
There she is. Set for stun. She'll be alright. Who the hell am I saying this to, don't my colleagues know she'll be alright?
Give me the plans to our DEATH STAR, which is always written in capital letters and is actually quite a stupid name if you stop to think about it.
Why do you need them? Didn't you finish building it? Ha ha!
That's not funny. Remember hun, Daddy doesn't like it when you make fun of him. Oops, I mean..er..uh..
Besides, why do you assume we only have one copy? If they were 'beamed' aboard here, couldn't we just as easily beam them elsewhere or make copies and send them all over the place?
Take her away!
C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl and makes it almost intolerable.
What? I don't know what you're talking about! I'm not gay, just randomly British! Very very very British..
Don't call me that!
They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his UNCLE.
Mark, come help me pick up some droids.
(whining really hard)
Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the middle of Super Mario Brothers. Jeepers.
But picking out droids is when I need you the most.
Uh.. we need someone that can decode moisture something-or others.
Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of that.
..right. Uncle, this one'll do. And let's also get that other one.
Wow, it's a good thing you two droids both happened to meet up again. And it's pretty lucky that other droid broke. And it's really damn lucky you've been bought by someone who knows Alec Guiness.
And what an amazing coincidence I was actually built by Darth Vader.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Uh.. that's not luck or coincidence. It's the Force. Anything that seems stupid is not stupid because of the Force, understand?
How do you explain the fact that I don't remember either of them, even though they've both been here before and I ACTUALLY OWNED C3P0 FOR A LONG TIME.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
They did? Oh, right! Eh, whatever.
Help me Alec Guiness, you're my only hope.
Whoa, she's fucking hot. Hmm, I felt kind of disgusted saying that.
Heh, I know something you don't know. Neener neener.
Nothing. Let's go to a shady bar type place and hitch a ride to Alderaan.
Hey, I can help, as long as I can do so suavely. I am suave, you see. Let me first go talk to an assassin sent by Jabba Hutt, then one building over to find Jabba actually there in the special edition.
Hey. I look fucking ridiculous.
Alright, let's go.
They go to Alderaan only to discover it has been converted into a very large number of bright specks.
Oh fuck. I think we all collectively have a bad feeling about all this.
INT. DEATH STAR
MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all sneaking about.
I must valiantly venture out to shut off the tractor beam shit.
All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don't. Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don't. Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don't.
Alec! How's it going, old buddy? Still banging that Padme chick? No wait, that was me..
Oh blow me. God I hate this fucking movie.
They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.
Oh, good. Mark's here, I can die now.
He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back later and he himself appears repeadedly in the sequels.
INT. REBEL BASE
It's a good thing we got those plans. We discovered that this thing was built by a four year old. If we drop a bomb thingy into this big hole on the outside, it'll actually blow up the entire ship.
That's right. The ENTIRE ship.
It's not so outlandish. The X-wings explode if you shoot them once.
Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.
Don't use the targeting computer, Mark. Use the Force!
I see now. I am abandoning the technological advancement in favor of instincts and emotion. It is truly an excellent metaphorical warning against the over industrialization of our society. I see now that success does not lie in our meaningless technologies, but in our hearts, our minds, and our feelings.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Yeah, don't worry, I drop that dumbass message/theme bullshit in favor of crass commercialism by the next movie.