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Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

STAR WARS: EPISODE V - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HOTH

A CLAYMATION MARK HAMILL and CLAYMATION CAMEL-KANGAROO walk around Hoth to find life, which is an important reason to go into the freezing cold alone. MARK is attacked by THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN.

INT. HOTH REBEL BASE

HARRISON FORD and CARRIE FISHER interact in an awkward love-hate manner. We hope they get together, for.. some reason or another.

C3PO

Mark is gone. I will now act foppish and comical towards R2D2.

HARRISON FORD

I must find Mark. I am honorable, despite usually acting like a big asshole.

EXT. HOTH

MARK escapes from FROSTY and runs out into the vast freezing cold. This is much wiser than killing FROSTY and staying in the cave. Luckily, HARRISON finds him and stuffs him into a CAMEL-KANGAROO. They survive.

ALEC GUINESS

Mark. Go to Yoda. He will be quirky and entertaining. He will also teach you how to use your high number of Midichlorians.. oops, Lucas didn't shit that idea out yet. I meant he will show you the ways of camera tricks and wire stunts.

INT. HOTH REBEL BASE

MARK HAMILL

Yay, I am healing. Now I shall watch the terribly comical interaction between Harrison and Carrie.. then I will get a kiss from Carrie.

(she kisses him)

Whoa, I popped major wood.

GEORGE LUCAS

That's your sister, dude.

MARK HAMILL

What?! Fucking gross!

GEORGE LUCAS

I'm just teasing. I don't actually come up with that bullshit until Return of the Jedi. You can have sexual fantasies for now. Speaking of fantasies, I think I'll dress her in a gold bikini in the next movie.

Imperial fighters come in. There is a battle between the rebels and the empire. MARK wears goggles that look as though they'd make it very hard to see clearly.

MARK HAMILL

The Imperial Walker armor is too strong for blasters! Tie their shoelaces together!

The Imperial Walkers fall. Once they do, the rebels shoot them with the exact same blasters they used before that were ineffective. The Walkers explode this time, though. The battle ends, MARK and R2D2 go to see Yoda and the other PRIMARY CHARACTERS go elsewhere.

They try to go into hyperdrive. They FAIL.

EXT. DEGOBAH

YODA

Teach you I can. Make you do stunts and look like idiot I will. Face Vader you must not.

MARK HAMILL

I have to face Vader?

YODA

No! Face Vader you must not!

MARK HAMILL

What? Speak clearly! So I should face Vader?

YODA

Er..

MARK HAMILL

Alright, away I go!

Meanwhile, HARRISON and everyone try to go into hyperdrive and FAIL again.

EXT. CLOUD CITY

CARRIE, HARRISON, CHEWIE, and C3PO all greet THE ONLY BLACK MAN IN THE GALAXY.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

I hate you. Just kidding. But seriously, I'm screwing you royally here.

DARTH VADER

Muahaha! Here I am! Aren't I just generally intimidating as hell?

C3PO

If you all don't mind, I'll go get myself blown up repeatedly and make a major pain in the ass out of myself.

MARK HAMILL

I'm here! Now I can just barely not get everyone killed!

GUY WITH WEIRD ROBOTIC EARPHONES

So is this thing like a helmet or is it wired into my head? And what's it do, anyway?

HARRISON FORD

I'm now going to be turned into a carbonite block that doesn't really look a helluva lot like me.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

Ok everyone, trust me now.

CARRIE FISHER

No.

(pause)

Okay.

HARRISON FORD

(frozen in carbonite)

God this thing makes my lips look huge.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

Alright, let's barely escape!

INT. RANDOM ISOLATED AREA PERFECT FOR FIGHTING

DARTH VADER

Hello Mark. I will now smack you with heavy objects.

MARK HAMILL

Ow! Ow! Waaaah! I want my mommy!

DARTH VADER

Funny you should mention that. I'm your father.

MARK HAMILL

Dude, I don't even look like you.

DARTH VADER

No, you fool! Under the mask! I'm a pasty white guy like you.

MARK HAMILL

You bastard!

MARK gives VADER the finger. VADER cuts off his hand.

MARK HAMILL

That's alright, I'm a lefty. Now I will throw myself down and luckily fall into this tube and stop moving directly over this hatch which puts me in a place where Billy Dee Williams can get to me.

BILLY DEE and CREW rescue MARK.

MARK HAMILL

Well. Threepio is destroyed, I lost a hand, Han is being molested by Jabba as we speak, I haven't completed my training, and everyone in Cloud City just had to leave their homes. I guess I really fucked this one up, eh guys? But hey at least we've got each other, right? Well, most of each other. Alec, why didn't you tell me?

ALEC GUINESS

Lemme get back to you on that. I'll have a real good excuse by the next movie.

They try to go into hyperdrive. They FAIL.

GEORGE LUCAS

Ok folks.. I guess I'll resolve these numerous loose ends when the next movie comes out.. in a few years. Until then, play with action figures. Oh, and when computers come out I'm going to make a game called Shadows of the Empire that looks really cool because the first level is a badass simulation of the Hoth battle in this movie. I think I'll make the rest of the game a piece of shit, though.

END