At First Sight
AT FIRST SIGHT
The Abridged Script
INT - MIRA SORVINO'S JOINT - DAY
Mira Sorvino is pissed off.
I'm pissed off. I wish I could get a man with some INSIGHT, who could SEE that I offer a lot to the world.
MIRA SORVINO'S FRIEND
You need a massage.
INT - MASSAGE PARLOUR - DAY
VAL KILMER is a masseuse. He's wearing shades and has a goofy smile. Apparently he's blind. He's massaging a naked MIRA SORVINO.
Oh, yes, that is the stuff. You can really SEE what a woman needs.
Who would have thought it. You're popping a boner, and your hair's so impeccable.
Er.. nice tits.. You wanna go out some time?
Despite the fact we have zero chemistry, I don't SEE why not.
INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY
I love you. I've never SEEN a person like you before. I've been with you for a bit, time to do my duty as a woman and attempt to change you. Wanna get..uh..unblind?
I love you too. What were you saying about my sight? It's fine.. I mean, I'm blind, but I don't need to see. For christ sakes, I don't need a white stick and a guide dog to see that this script sucks, and regardless of what I say, we're going to go through the predictable motions of love, falling-out, disillusionment and back to love. So, I'll do what I always do, look pretty, talk in monotone, and let the plot device take me on a wild ride.
Wow, that was so touching. I agree. Let's move in together.
INT. PLACE - LATER
VAL'S over-protective sister is talking to MIRA.
VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER
..Waltz into his life, and think you can make everything better. Can't be done. Val is blind to the nuances of acting and character, and I don't want someone like you with your fancy oscars coming in, telling him he can get better parts.
I was only asking for a soda.
INT - SURGERY - DAY
VAL is reclined in a chair, while doctor types examine his eyes and MIRA and his over-protective sister look on.
...Nope, you have twenty-twenty vision.
For the last fucking time, this is a movie, I'm blind, and you're supposed to cure me. Jesus, this was supposed to be my oscar-winning, erm, role and stuff.
Ok, Val, the surgery was a success. Enjoy your new breasts.
Wow, Val, how's your restored vision?? Apparently, you'll be able to read scripts in the future. Won't that be great? You'll never have to appear in shit like this again
We get a perspective of Val's new vision. Fuzzy camerawork suggests that Val can't see for shit, or this director can't direct for shit. VAL panics
Fuck, I can't see properly. What 's all that fuzzy shit?
It's the script.
VAL and MIRA are out walking.
It's great to see again. My goodness, the joys of sight. I can't wait to see how I looked in "Batman Forever"
Mira Sorvino collapses.
INT - SOME PARTY - DAY
It's a typical movie party. No one is throwing up, the furniture is intact and yuppie types are walking around talking amongst each other. VAL and MIRA enter the party. MIRA walks over to her ex-husband. It's that dude from the Shining mini-series.
I'm a mean bastard. Unlike Val, I lack insight.
Val, this is my underwritten ex- husband.
So you recover your sight, but lose your powers of conversation?
I was in The Doors.
Val goes to the bathroom.
Mira and her ex dance. Her ex gives her a friendly kiss. Val returns and sees it. He's confused, and approaches Mira and her ex.
I'm confused.. What were you doing with your mouth touching his, erm, mouth? Isn't that a little bit off considering where your mouth's been all day?
Let's go.. You saw nothing, you confused pseudo-blind prick.
As MIRA and VAL are leaving the party, VAL walks into a window.
Shit, I need a therapist.
INT - THERAPY ROOM - DAY
VAL is given tips on how to see. Hooray! VAL and MIRA experience the wonders of life. They go ice-skating, they stare into each other eyes, they fuck, they eat out, they try sado-masochism, and everything moves along dandily.
Is that it? Eight fucking dollars to see a story I could have pulled out of my ass?
Not quite. We've been really clever and put in a little twist..
Shut up?? We're leaving..
The audience make a bee-line for the exit.
No, please stay. I made The Awakenings and everyone loved that. Please, please stay. Mira Sorvino gets naked in the end.
The audience members charge back into their seats.
EXT - CENTRAL PARK - DAY
VAL looks confused. Not strange in itself, but the fuzzy camera shit returns.
Duh, I must be losing my sight again. Shit, and to think I was this close to a Scorsese movie.
INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY
VAL and MIRA are standing in the kitchen.
I've got something to tell you.
I'm not really Jim Morrison.. I mean, I'm losing my sight again.
And to think of the amount of time we've wasted in this movie talking about sight. What a twist. You never SAW that one coming. You going blind again.
It was your fault, bitch. Putting all that false sense of security into my drug-addled mind.
Suddenly, Val's possessive sister appears.
VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER
Told you, Val. You were born blind and stupid. I can undestand that, but she never will.
VAL and MIRA argue, cry, shout, argue, make up and marry.
The moral of the story is: love can overcome anything, and if you have insight, depth, and love like Val here, nothing else matters.
Hurry up and get naked.
Typical finale music plays.
What the fuck? Is that it?
Haha, you dumb assholes I have manipulated you into seeing my manipulative, predictable movie. I have your eight bucks. You may now leave.