Penn and Teller's version of the beer-bottle-through-the-hand magic trick is better.


Penn and Teller's version of the beer-bottle-through-the-hand magic trick is better.

NO FRIENDS WITH STRINGS ATTACHED BENEFIT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

NATALIE PORTMAN/MILA KUNIS meets ASHTON KUTCHER/JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

NATALIE PORTMAN/MILA KUNIS

I'm totally unlike women in standard romantic comedies, in that I'm not completely obsessed with finding love! I just want to have some super raunchy sex without emotions getting involved!

ASHTON KUTCHER/JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

This sounds like a great opportunity for me to cling desperately to my fading status as a bankable comedic actor!

NATALIE PORTMAN/MILA KUNIS

Almost as great as my opportunity to obliterate any momentum my career had following my Oscar-worthy performance in the critically-acclaimed and commercially successful Black Swan!

ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE are showed in VARIOUS STATES OF UNDRESS as they HAVE SUPER-HOT COITUS.

ASHTON KUTCHER/JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Despite the fact that people in real life have unemotional sexual relationships all the time, doing so in a Hollywood comedy without the characters regretting it would leave the audience feeling alienated! As such, I'm starting to develop real feelings for you.

NATALIE PORTMAN/MILA KUNIS

Me too! It turns out I'm completely like women in standard romantic comedies after all, and I find myself completely unable to stimulate bundles of nerves on my body without developing emotional attachment!

The AUDIENCE endures a series of PENIS JOKES and GAY JOKES as NATALIE/MILA and ASHTON/JUSTIN drive themselves inevitably toward their obvious conclusion.

KEVIN KLINE/PATRICIA CLARKSON

Even though I'm a parent to one of you, ever since my divorce I've had wacky, kinky sex in an attempt at broad comedy because the audience has to laugh uncomfortably when they imagine their parents banging!

ASHTON KUTCHER/MILA KUNIS

Dad/Mom! Your casual approach to sex, rather than explain my current mentality toward it, serves as a point of contrast by illustrating what my viewpoint taken to an outlandish extreme would look like! As such, it only drives me further in the direction of Hollywood's inane saccharine horseshit!

NATALIE/MILA and ASHTON/JUSTIN share a kiss that is more than merely two people mashing their LIPS together, as the swelling musical score indicates that it's a SYMBOLIC KISS of TRUE LOVE.

NATLIE PORTMAN/MILA KUNIS

Due to a contrived misunderstanding about your feelings for me, I never, ever, ever want to speak to you again for 10 minutes!

JAKE JOHNSON/WOODY HARRELSON

As your best friend, I exist for no purpose other than to tell you go after her despite the fact that a best friend in real life would tell you to get over that crazy bitch and find someone else.

ASHTON KUTCHER/JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

This distance apart has made me realize that I really do love her! You're right, otherwise-useless best friend!

ASHTON/JUSTIN goes after NATALIE/MILA, who tears up just a tiny bit to elicit a compulsory empathetic response from the AUDIENCE.

NATALIE PORTMAN/MILA KUNIS

Rather than discussing my completely disproportionate overreaction to a simple misunderstanding, I want you to take full responsibility for anything you may have done wrong because you have a penis and that's what men do, ha ha ha.

ASHTON KUTCHER/JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Done! Men are the worst, amirite ladies?

They continue FUCKING, but this time it MEANS SOMETHING.

END

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