Netflix' revival of "Downton Abbey" should've ditched the "Casual Uniforms" storyline.


Netflix' revival of "Downton Abbey" should've ditched the "Casual Uniforms" storyline.

GILMORE GIRLS: A YEAR IN THE LIFE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. STARS HOLLOW (OH BOY GET EXCITED!)

ALEXIS BLEDEL briefly returns to being relevant again her hometown of STARS HOLLOW! She meets her mother LAUREN GRAHAM who still acts like a young adult despite her character being 50 years old.

LAUREN GRAHAM

Hiya! We’re back! Returned! Stuffing every piece of dialogue with as many extra words as humanly alienly Earthlingly possible so it will take twice as long and twice as fast to say it all because that’s our trademark TV thing which we’re doing again because WE’RE BACK!

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Hi Mom! I can’t believe this town is exactly the same as it was ten years ago, did the Stepford wives pub crawl here, pop culture pop culture did I make it in time for the town parade?

LAUREN GRAHAM

You sure did! The Stars Hollow Winter Cameo Parade just started, did you want to see Obnoxious Neighbor 2 and Annoying Boyfriend 3?

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Actually I wanted to see the Community movie. Ahem, Netflix.

HULU laughs.

INT. KELLY BISHOP’S MANSION

Lauren’s mother KELLY BISHOP has had liquid nitrogen installed in her shower pipes just so she can give her daughter the world’s coldest shoulder.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Mom, why’s Grandma treating you like a puff of rotten air?

LAUREN GRAHAM

Well at my dad’s funeral I stood up in front of everyone and basically said he was a douche.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

...

LAUREN GRAHAM

Sure he was kind and supportive and paid for your education, but I was On. The. Spot. What was I supposed to do? It was totally unfair!

KELLY enters.

KELLY BISHOP

Hello Alexis! And no one else. Tell me, what have you been up to, Alexis and no one else? Dating anyone?

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Me? Oh, well, I have this nice boyfriend who I don’t care about. I’m cheating on him with an engaged rich guy.

KELLY BISHOP

...

ALEXIS BLEDEL

It’s my youthful cutsey mistakes!

(drinks Malbec)

KELLY BISHOP

I’m fighting the urge to slap you.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Come on, how am I supposed to know basic empathy and responsibility at the young age of 32?

THE BOREFRIEND

Hello my girlfriend Alexis, I’m sweet, I care about you, and-

ALEXIS backs over him with her car on her way to making out with RICH HUNK MATT CZUCHRY who is a REAL DOUCHE unlike Lauren's dead father.

THE BOREFRIEND

(gasping from pavement)

So, see you at dinner?

INT. THE GRAHAM HOUSE

Local lumbersexual SCOTT PATTERSON is cooking the Gilmore Grown Women DINNER which they respond to by eating fast food and donuts in front of him.

LAUREN GRAHAM

So, Scott and I never got married for reasons that are never explained. Anything to add to that, Scott?

SCOTT PATTERSON

I’m still running Scott’s Diner and

(becomes buzzard noise)

LAUREN GRAHAM

Holy shit. Where did our biting sexual chemistry go? You may as well be dirty laundry.

SCOTT PATTERSON

If it’s flannel laundry, it’s still sexy. Would you believe me if I said the obnoxious desk guy at your inn gets more screen time than I do?

LAUREN GRAHAM

He’s the obnoxious GAY desk guy now, gay characters are in vogue so everyone flamboyant was suddenly declared a homosexual. Is that how progress works?

SCOTT PATTERSON

So Laur, there must have been some valuable reason to resurrect a has-been low-interest sitcom for only six hours. I mean, at least Full House was popular-

(pelted by avocado)

LAUREN GRAHAM

Ha ha, sensible people are treated like unfun doofuses, be quirky okay?

SCOTT PATTERSON

Yes but surely there's a plot-

(toenails severed)

LAUREN GRAHAM

Right right, it looks like I’ve been tricked into therapy with Kelly. This is a fresh development in my difficult relationship with her, so it should lead to-

KELLY BISHOP

I’m quitting therapy. My emotional arc will continue completely separate from yours, barring an out-of-no-where monologue about a giant pretzel. Frankly, we don’t need to mention me again.

LAUREN GRAHAM

Really? Well I suppose I could keep going to therapy myself, not that we’ll show any of it.

THERAPIST

Sure thing, Laurenlei. Hey, when I’m not working, I like singing.

LAUREN GRAHAM

OH GOD NOT SINGING, I QUIT, I QUIT THERAPY FOREVER!

This happens, because if your therapist is a singer then fuck therapy.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Meanwhile, what’s Alexis up to? Let’s find out! I am going to be rude to a string of potential employers whom I consider beneath me, then sleep with a guy dressed as Chewbacca and moan about my lack of career prospects.

(thinks)

Huh, I wonder why I’ve been a journalist for nine years but only written a handful of Slate articles...

(stops thinking, forever)

He never took the Chewbacca suit off.

(drinks French Chardonnay)

Speaking of singing! It suddenly happens for nearly ten unbroken minutes. This being just one of five scenes where we stop and watch someone sing an entire song. Everyone sorely thinks more about COMMUNITY while they wonder if the plot will ever resume, distracted from realizing there really isn’t one.

But how is the filler? Let’s check in...

INT. ONGOING CAMEO PARADE

LIZA WEIL

AAAAIEEE It’s my high school crush I’m having a MELTDOWWWN

SCOTT’S DAUGHTER

(stuffing weed into tear ducts)

WHAT IS LIFE if not SUFFERING

MELISSA MCCARTHY

Semen joke.

(leaves)

I had my enthusiasm surgically removed.

EVERYONE ELSE

(STILL SINGING!)

EXT. STARS HOLLOW

With her professional life chewing dust, ALEXIS becomes editor of the town’s shitty paper. She tries to introduce some actual quality into it, but the town gets mad and pelts her with 88 inexplicably fresh tomatoes.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

My whole life is in shambles! What will I do?

(drinks Winston Cocktail)

Suddenly a giant pink bubble arrives and turns into strapping ex-boyfriend MILO VENTIMIGLIA.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Oh thank GOD, are we finally going to rekindle our long-building romance? Will we discuss intellectual things? Will our lives join together? You don’t mind wearing Chewbacca do you?

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Huh? No, I’m above this dreck. You had the answer all along, Alexis. Tap your heels, ditch your career and write a self-indulgent book about you and your mom's lives.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Who would read that? “Once upon a time, a smart girl got into a rich private school, then an Ivy League college, fucked her married ex, stole a yacht because an internship went poorly—”

MILO VENTIMIGLIA

(floating away)

Follow the Milo Dick Road!

ALEXIS talks to LAUREN about her idea for a failed journalist’s autobiography.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

...and so, I would write all the personal details and mistakes you’ve ever made into a book for everyone in your entire community to read. What say you?

LAUREN GRAHAM

Do you see how much my neck is twisting back and forth? Emphatic. No. Though all I drink is coffee, maybe I'm just over-caffeinated...

ALEXIS BLEDEL

You aren’t SUPPORTING ME! What kind of mother ARE you?

LAUREN GRAHAM

I’m feeling unmotivated to say “a good one.”

ALEXIS storms off, walking right through the CAMEO PARADE, how rude of her! (Don’t worry, it never stops.)

LAUREN does some reflection about whatever and talks to SCOTT.

LAUREN GRAHAM

I need some time to think things over. I’m going to section-hike the Pacific Crest Trail.

SCOTT PATTERSON

No you’re not.

LAUREN GRAHAM

Yes, I’ve decided I-

SCOTT PATTERSON

You need to buy hundreds if not thousands of dollars of equipment and mail resupply packages weeks in advance. It’s September, so three sections are snow, one is drought, and the other is Northern California so screw that. You just got exhausted walking around town delivering newspapers. Also who is going to run your inn for a month?

LAUREN GRAHAM

My limitless supply of money will solve all that!

SCOTT PATTERSON

Your... what? Wasn’t this a show about class struggles? Didn’t it start with your financial woes? Where do you have the money or time to drop everything and hike the PCT?

LAUREN GRAHAM

I just KNEW you wouldn’t support me!

(slams door)

SCOTT PATTERSON

Am I the only adult here?!

(balls smacked by trebuchet)

EXT. THE MOTHERFUCKING PCT

LAUREN meets a depressingly accurate portrayal of post-“Wild” PCT wannabes. She has no bear canister or trekking poles, but she does have three MountainHouse Raspberry Crumble packets. She is definitely going to die.

TRAIL GUY

Unless I stop her! O HAIL TRAIL GUY, I declare you cannot start without a permit!

LAUREN GRAHAM

Huh? Bullshit, that rule isn't enforced.

TRAIL GUY

You know what’s bullshit? You have to pay a ferry fee both ways to reach Vermilion Valley Resort and THEY STEAL DONATIONS FROM THE FREE HIKER BOXES AND SELL THEM IN THE STORE! Who does that?! It’s $6.50 for a cup of instant coffee! Also I had to take a zero day because the ferry broke and the staff were rude and they ran out of food and it’s full of John Muir hikers so skip VVR and head to Red’s Meadow instead. Fuck you VVR.

LAUREN ditches her pack and goes home. The SWELLING MUSIC indicates she’s learned something VERY IMPORTANT ABOUT HERSELF! THANKS, PCT!

EXT. STARS HOLLOW

Meanwhile ALEXIS encounters a talking crow that is real and not a dream as she partakes in a choreographed sidewalk tango montage because Spider-Man 3 was popular. This is a real thing that happens.

MATT CZUCHRY

I’m behind this. I can literally make crows talk. Let’s have lots of sex.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

But you’re engaged. I’m cutting off this affair. Fun night, though.

(chugs 1787 Chateau Lafite)

MATT CZUCHRY

Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if we suddenly forgot birth control was a thing?

INT. THE GRAHAM HOUSE

LAUREN GRAHAM

Scott, I’m back. I-

SCOTT PATTERSON

NO you can’t be leaving me DON’T DUMP ME why are you doing this YOU HATE ME I'll die without you I LOVE YOU AAARAAARGHGHA

(shits chipmunk)

LAUREN GRAHAM

Marry me?

SCOTT PATTERSON

-AND I WILL TORCH YOUR OVARIES IF oh what? Oh yeah! Let’s get married!

They get MARRIED. It’s a sweet, chemistry-laden sequence that somewhat validates this whole thing.

Except MILO wasn’t invited. Like, they specifically mention that SCOTT didn’t invite him. Even though he was in town and he’s SCOTT’S NEPHEW and everything. Slow clap, guys.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Mom, even though you didn’t want me to write that book about our lives, I wrote it anyway. But I won’t publish it without your permission.

LAUREN GRAHAM

Aw, how sweet of you! Go ahead, you can publish it. But first it needs... a title.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

How about... GILMORE GIRLS?

LAUREN GRAHAM

Why... yes! What a title! We’ll call it GILMORE GIRLS!

ALEXIS BLEDEL

GILMORE GIRLS.

LAUREN GRAHAM

Our story shall be titled... GILMORE GIRLS.

A character actually runs past declaring his need to throw up.

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Oh hey, my nice boyfriend broke up with me. Shrug, whatevs.

SCOTT PATTERSON

Are you serious? You strung that guy out for a WHOLE YEAR while cheating on him? You fucking bitch!

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Come on, I-

SCOTT PATTERSON

It takes a five-minute phone call to break up! It goes even faster if you’re watching this miniseries together! Did you learn jack shit from all this? What kind of complete airheaded self-absorbed spoiled trash ARE you?

ALEXIS BLEDEL

Uh... PREGNANT!

(drinks sudden gasps)

Let’s heavily imply that I’m not going to let the father raise the baby, if I even decide to tell him.

LAUREN GRAHAM

But who could the father be? Colin Firth or Patrick Dempsey?

HUNDREDS ponder why, at one point, they would have cared.

PATRICK WARBURTON

Lauren, Alexis, and Kelly were rude and unlikable, but everything that happened to them was rife with happiness and popularity, a word which here means, "Why did I watch seven seasons of this." I advise you to look away from these miserable events and pretend they all suffered, as you have no obligation to do otherwise.

THE SONG

La, LA! La, LA! La-la-la-LA-LA-LA

RETURN TO BROWSE.

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