2012: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Dec 21st, 2009 |
49 Comments
| Movie: 
Nope, nothing offensive here.
FADE IN:
EXT. MANHATTAN BEACH, CA
JOHN CUSACK is picking his children up from his ex-wife, AMANDA PEET.
AMANDA PEET
Please allow me to remind you of a number of things about our children in order to establish that you’re out of touch with them since the divorce.
JOHN CUSACK
How could you leave me? I held a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” above my head and everything.
AMANDA PEET
John, I wouldn’t come back to you if you were the last man alive on Earth! Eh? Eh? Foreshadowing!
Their kids, LIAM JAMES and MORGAN LILY, get into JOHN’S LIMOUSINE.
JOHN CUSACK
Is everyone excited for this camping trip, which is a completely believable thing for me to be doing?
LIAM JAMES
We’re taking your limousine over a thousand miles to Yellowstone National Park? Are you TRYING to piss Al Gore off?
MORGAN LILY
Just promise us you won’t work on your next novel for the whole trip, Dad.
JOHN CUSACK
Jesus, I’m a writer too? Were two pieces of paper stuck together when Roland Emmerich pulled me out of the “Disaster Movie Character” hat?
Meanwhile…
INT. WHITE HOUSE – WASHINGTON, D.C.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR is meeting with OLIVER PLATT and PRESIDENT DANNY GLOVER.
DANNY GLOVER
I was told you needed to speak with me urgently. What’s going on?
OLIVER PLATT
Danny Glover is the president?
DANNY GLOVER
Yeah, Roland wasn’t sure if McCain or Obama was going to win when he started casting, so he just merged them together and got me.
OLIVER PLATT
I see you’ve forgotten how to act, too. Great. Anyway, Chiwetel has something urgent he needs to tell you.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Oh… my… God…
OLIVER PLATT
He says that his predictions about the earth’s crust collpasing were wrong, and the end of the world is starting now.
DANNY GLOVER
I’m too old for this shit!
EXT. YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK
JOHN CUSACK works on his LAPTOP while his kids fantasize about growing up to star in better movies.
LIAM JAMES
Dad, there are mosquitos everywhere!
JOHN CUSACK
Awww, are you worried about being itchy?
LIAM JAMES
No, I just know Roland Emmerich doesn’t have the attention span to put mosquito bite makeup on us for more than two scenes.
MORGAN LILY
I’ve put on my pull-ups that have absolutely no relevance to the plot, so I’m going to bed.
They SLEEP. JOHN discovers WOODY HARRELSON broadcasting nationally from his RV at the next campsite over.
WOODY HARRELSON
Hey there. I’m a crazy, paranoid, drug-addled weirdo who likes to rattle off crackpot nonsense incessantly!
JOHN CUSACK
Wow, what an odd character!
WOODY HARRELSON
Character?
JOHN CUSACK
So what are you doing? Besides making me question the usefulness of the FCC, I mean.
WOODY HARRELSON
Oh, well I have a show about how the world is ending soon. I made a little cartoon about it on my computer that will explain everything, take a look.
JOHN CUSACK
It says I need Silverlight installed.
WOODY HARRELSON
So install it!
JOHN CUSACK
It says I need to reboot the computer.
WOODY HARRELSON
Oh fuck it, listen up. The ancient Mayans had a very advanced calendar system, but it stops on December 21, 2012. Of course, it cycles like any other calendar, but that didn’t stop the Western myth that the Mayans predicted the end of the world on that day.
JOHN CUSACK
Ha, that sounds like the insipid plot of a shitty disaster movie!
WOODY HARRELSON
Now that you mention it, it does! Now we just need a divorcee trying to win back his wife to complete the cliche!
JOHN CUSACK
Ha, yeah! Wait, what?
CUSACK gets a call from AMANDA PEET about an EARTHQUAKE and drives back to CALIFORNIA in half the time it takes to drive from, say, WYOMING, to, for example, CALIFORNIA.
AMANDA PEET
Hey, thanks for bringing them back early, their new daddy and I both appreciate it.
JOHN CUSACK
No problem, they were kind of getting in the way of Daddy’s Laptop Time anyway.
THOMAS MCCARTHY
Hey John! Want to come in and eat some pancakes? I always work up an appetite for pancakes after a night of buttfucking your ex-wife.
JOHN CUSACK
No thanks, Thomas. I have to get to work, I’m going to be late.
AMANDA PEET
How can you be late for work? We just acknowledged that you came back a day early no more than 20 seconds ago.
A DISTURBINGLY BAD ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPERSONATOR says that there will be no more EARTHQUAKES, so another one starts immediately.
JOHN CUSACK
Alright everyone! Get into the limo before we all get fucked!
AMANDA PEET
This reminds me so much of prom night.
They speed away as the UNIVERSE COLLAPSES two inches behind their vehicle.
Eventually they get to an AIRPORT and steal a PLANE.
JOHN CUSACK
Thomas, can you fly this thing?
THOMAS MCCARTHY
No, but I’ll try if it keeps me in the movie. I’m surprised my character survived past the initial earthquake to be honest.
They fly away as the UNIVERSE COLLAPSES two inches behind their vehicle.
Meanwhile, YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK turns into a GIGANTIC VOLCANO AND BLOWS THE FUCK UP.
INT. WHITE HOUSE – WASHINGTON, D.C.
PRESIDENT DANNY GLOVER is talking with OLIVER PLATT and CHIWETEL EJIOFOR.
OLIVER PLATT
Sir, we need you to get on Air Force One right away. The Vice President has already been killed in the volcanic ash cloud in Philadelphia.
DANNY GLOVER
You mean the ash cloud that started in Wyoming but has not yet reached Las Vegas?
OLIVER PLATT
That’s the one.
DANNY GLOVER
Does Roland Emmerich not own a map or something?
DIRECTOR ROLAND EMMERICH
Some, uh, people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as.
DANNY GLOVER
I’ve decided to stay behind and address the nation. I’d like to start out with something that I think everyone of all religious persuasions can appreciate: a reading from the Christian bible.
There are about a BILLION scenes in which estranged family members reconcile their differences in their final moments over the phone.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
How the fuck are all of these phone lines still working?
EXT. LAS VEGAS
JOHN CUSACK, THOMAS MCCARTHY, AMANDA PEET, and the two kids land. JOHN finds his boss, ZLATKO BURIC.
JOHN CUSACK
Zlatko, you’re fat and Russian, surely you have a plan to get out of here.
ZLATKO BURIC
Bvvkaakwwvaalpwwwbda.
JOHN CUSACK
Perfect, Thomas is a pilot! Let’s go to China!
ZLATKO BURIC
Kavvookplbbuddwka!
Everyone gets into a BIG PLANE and they fly away as the UNIVERSE COLLAPSES two inches behind their vehicle.
There are more VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS! And more EARTHQUAKES! Then a TSUNAMI! And a FLOOD!
JOHN CUSACK
Jesus, did someone write the screenplay after discovering the ‘Disasters’ menu in SimCity?
AMANDA PEET
You got a screenplay?
THOMAS MCCARTHY
I have bad news everyone. We were planning on refueling in Hawaii, but for some crazy reason a giant volcano turned out to be an unsafe place to be during the end of the world.
JOHN CUSACK
If only China would move to our current location! Just kidding, that idea is retarded.
It DOES anyway. They land in THE HIMALAYAS.
AMANDA PEET
Great, now we’re stuck in the mountains in the middle of the night. We have no shot at being rescued.
A RESCUE TEAM shows up. They take ZLATKO and leave.
AMANDA PEET
Fuck. Well there’s absolutely no way on earth that would even happen again within a few minutes.
SOMEONE ELSE comes by and grabs everyone else.
They all travel to a TOP SECRET EMERGENCY FACILITY and find giant BOATS.
JOHN CUSACK
Boats, huh? Disappointing. For some reason I was expecting spaceships. I’m not sure why, but I was.
They all sneak onto a SHIP. Meanwhile thousands of other people, including ZLATKO BURIC, crowd a ship begging to be let on board.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
We have to let these people on board! My cabin is large enough for fifty people!
OLIVER PLATT
You’re an idiot, we don’t have enough food for that many people. Seriously, why am I the bad guy? I’m the only person thinking fucking rationally.
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR
Everyone, I beg you, let everyone on board. We must show humanity, we can’t leave anyone behind!
(pause)
Unless they didn’t know about the secret boats in the first place.
(pause)
Or if they knew but couldn’t afford a ticket onto one.
(pause)
Or if they could afford a ticket but couldn’t make it here in time.
(pause)
But definitely nobody else!
Everyone is allowed in except ZLATKO, who DIES for being a FAT JERK.
JOHN CUSACK
Ha ha, fuck that guy for being rich and helping pay for the ship we’re now using to survive!
AMANDA PEET
Oh John, I’ve fallen back in love with you! Let’s reunite our family!
THOMAS MCCARTHY
Him?! Dude, I flew us out of certain doom three fucking times and you pick Lane Meyer here?
AMANDA PEET
I’m sorry Thomas, but you wear glasses and in a Roland Emmerich movie that means you’re a nerd.
The SHIPS withstand the flood and ensure the survival of SELF-CENTERED RICH ASSHOLES, some CHINESE STEEL WORKERS, and ONE FAMILY.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
Pfft, I can’t believe people buy that Mayan Calendar bullshit. Everyone knows the world is only going to end after the battle of “Aqabat Afiq” when Allah destroys all non-Islamic nations.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
Oh, you mean when the Kingdom of Israel is restored and the Jewish exiles return to rule?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3
Wait, are you guys talking about when Jesus returns to Earth, defeats the Antichrist, and takes all of the Christians up to heaven with him?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1
…
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
Mayans are so stupid.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3
Totally.
END
I can't believe you didn't mention the last lines of the movie.
First, something about gift shops, which would be bad enough, then…
"No more pull-ups, Daddy!"
Yep, the last line is about the trauma of seeing the world end solving a little girl's problem of pissing the bed.
December 21st, 2009 at 5:34 pmBeen waiting a while for a new one. Well worth the wait! What I don't understand is how there was no mention of elephants and giraffes being heli-lifted in giant wetsuits.
December 21st, 2009 at 7:01 pmGood stuff. Although I feel I should point out that they went to Yosemite Park (not Yellowstone) which is about 4 1/2 hours north of LA.
December 21st, 2009 at 7:42 pmGreat script. Just great.
However, I was expecting you to make fun of the fact they needed the rich people of the world to build a few large ships.
I mean what the fuck. If the world is about to end there is literally nothing else you need the money and the resources for besides building a few large boats so that people can survive.
I mean really? Are they saying countries such as US and China could handle it by themselves?
Ps. Rex Volcanoe: Actually, it was Yellowstone, just as Rod wrote. Not Yosemite.
December 21st, 2009 at 8:50 pm"For some reason I was expecting spaceships. I’m not sure why, but I was." Was that a 'Knowing' reference? I would love to see a script for that. I couldn't bear to see another disaster movie like 2012 after that illogical mess.
December 21st, 2009 at 9:29 pmWOODY HARRELSON:
Hey there. I’m a crazy, paranoid, drug-addled weirdo who likes to rattle off crackpot nonsense incessantly!
JOHN CUSACK:
Wow, what an odd character!
WOODY HARRELSON:
Character?
Hahaha, yes.
December 21st, 2009 at 3:18 pm"Everyone is allowed in except ZLATKO, who DIES for being a FAT JERK."
I choked on my beer when I read that. Another classic script.
Near the end I started to think they were going to kill off most of the principals as a statement against morally questionable behaviour (Yuri for being a selfish jerk, Tamara and Sasha for having the affair, etc.), but then they went and offed Gordon, who's crime apparently was saving the group repeatedly while being forced to watch his girlfriend and her ex-husband reconciling right in front of him.
December 21st, 2009 at 11:31 pm"Are they saying countries such as US and China could handle it by themselves?"
December 22nd, 2009 at 12:21 amThat was supposed to be "couldn't".
“Boats, huh? Disappointing. For some reason I was expecting spaceships. I’m not sure why, but I was.”
My thought exactly. When they started mentioning ’ships’, I immediately hoping for a spaceships, not sea ships. Why didn’t they just say ‘Arks’ then?
December 21st, 2009 at 6:18 pmI think the image is a role reversal: Instead of a plane trying to hit a building, the buildings are trying to hit a plane!
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:37 amThe end of script feels like a tangent. Then again, maybe not because I haven't seen the movie (shame on me?) and maybe it is a warranted response to some shoehorned theme.. Whatever. Four weights hold the world together.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:01 amHilarious. Another great script Rod!
One thing I can't believe wasn't mentioned: When the Ark rear door couldn't 'seal'. Hundreds, possibly thousands of tons of solid metal, with gears the size of Volvos. Aaaaand the mechanism is stopped by a hose (apparently made of adamantium). And this of course prevents the engine from starting. Like when you open your car door, and your car won't start. Like that.
Roland Emmerich FAILS AT DIRECTING while being given hundreds of millions of dollars to smash things in a cgi version of his childhood fantasies.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:08 amJudging by the first picture's caption and some other quotes (Cloverfield being among them), Rod Hilton is pretty pussy-sensitive about 9/11 imagery. Anything that looks like an urban disaster automatically gets his "Hey now, that's not cool" scorn, which is stupid bullshit.
Other than that, great script (as usual). This movie was fucking terrible. I'm sure it took Rod a while to pare it down because there was a surfeit of material to mock the shit out of. Fuck "2012".
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:33 amGreat script. There were so many things wrong with this film that your material choice was endless. Editing down what needed to be ridiculed was probably the hardest part.
One or two things you left out that were probably worth a mention:
(1) Why did the guy at the airfield who took John Cusack's watch in exchange for the plane not get the hell out of there when the world started to end? Moron.
(2) Has Roland ever even seen a glacier? They're not the smoothest places in the world for driving super cars off planes!
(3) Why did we have to watch the Russian girlfriend drown? Was there any point to her death at all? They spent loads of time showing it, and then didn't mention her at the end at all.
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 pmA simple mistake, especially since Yellowstone has a caldera beneath it, and Yosemite doesn't.
Which begs the question, who made the mistake? Rod for assuming that they went to the park with a caldera, or Roland Emerich for putting a caldera under Yosemite?
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:48 pmFuck you. Now my moniter is covered in coffee.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:08 pmYou're right. Wow, that really is ridiculous then.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:44 pmFunkmaster: what? Please don't tell me that was actually in the movie.
Maybe I'll have to see this on video (you know, so I can spread out the price of the rental among a few other suckers).
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:01 pmGreat script, and I agree, way way way too much to choose from. Aside from the solar generated, subatomic particles suddenly becoming biologic entity's ("the nutrinos have mutated), another turd to choose from would have been president Glover turning into Fred Sanford when about to be smashed by the Aircraft Carrier. Also, if these ships where meant to ensure the survival of the Human race, as well as life on earth….would you really waste space on post menepausal women (Queen of England, like there isn't enough in breeding there) or sterile animals (her dogs)? And Jimmy SaSa…I'm pretty sure that we got to watch, in detailed portrayl or the Russian girlfriends death, when all the other feature players die either quickyly, is that Roland Emmerich hates women. Just a guess on my part. But all the good looking women in his movies are either shrieking harpies or whores.
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:23 pmRe: the audience members' comments at the end of the script.
I see what you did there.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:25 amFirst of all, showing disapproval for lame movies that mimic or downplay the death of 3,000 Americans in a terrorist attack is hardly "stupid bullshit."
Second of all, you don't even get what the caption is really about. The wimpy director took out, or didn't want to film a scene of Mecca being destroyed because he didn't want to offend any Muslims. They just did the same crap in G.I. Joe. Spineless Hollywood is ok with ripping Cristians & America, but they are scared shitless when it comes to offending Muslims.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:27 amHow about building the freaking boats in a place full of pointy mountains?! I mean, come on, why they didn't pick the desert of Gobi instead?!
December 23rd, 2009 at 4:02 amI had to ask other people who has seen the movie if the gift shop line was a call back to something I missed, because it made zero sense to me. Everyone else was as confused as I was.
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 amActually, the world will end when the rooster Gullinkambi crows to announce the end times. The great Fimbulwinter will come, with snow flying in from all directions to consume the earth for years, and chaos will reign. Then Surtur will lead the giants and forces of discord in a final war against the Aesir, until not even the gods survive!
Norse mythology FTW.
In other news, this script was great. Funnier than the New Moon one, I think. I'm glad I never watched this movie. I've seen enough formulaic disaster films for one lifetime.
December 23rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm@ JImmy SaSa
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:13 pm"(1) Why did the guy at the airfield who took John Cusack's watch in exchange for the plane not get the hell out of there when the world started to end? Moron." – the plane owner/pilot was dead. He was supposed to fly the plane but he was killed off screen before J. Cusac arrived with "his" family [afair].
actually i think he said that because that's what the DJ guy said would happen
December 24th, 2009 at 12:34 amThat should read "Christians". Apparently I didn't push the "h" key hard enough.
December 24th, 2009 at 3:24 pmGreat script! And the last lines of the AUDIENCE MEMBERS was fantastic!
December 24th, 2009 at 5:44 pmBy nothing offensive here , they probably tried to hint at the fact that the picture above is totally 9 11
Also , Emmerich really hates the White House and likes to save dogs instead of human beings in any of his movies
And its probably just me , but seems to me that the year 1997 truly never ended for him …
December 25th, 2009 at 5:38 pmI like how you defended Oliver Platt's character. I took his side in the entire movie.
December 25th, 2009 at 10:12 pmI hope the movie gets the Decade Worst Movie Awards. If you took the effects away, what remains? Shit. With the effects, CGI Shit.
December 27th, 2009 at 11:44 amI was hoping you'd mentioned that John Cusack is more immortal than Arnold Schwarzenegger. Good script anyway.
December 28th, 2009 at 2:35 pmThis movie actually had a whole additional level of retardation that you’d have to live in the West LA area to catch.
When they first got into a plane they took off from Santa Monica airport, which is like 10-15 miles west of downtown LA, but moments later they managed to fly from the airport to downtown, which is basically the only place in all of Los Angeles with actual tall buildings. After dodging said buildings, they then could be seen flying over the Santa Monica Pier, meaning they had taken off toward the east and flown straight downtown to dodge some buildings, then did a 180 and flew due west.
There was also a hilarious shot of the Randy’s Donuts sign rolling around near the 10 Freeway – it must have rolled several miles up La Cienega Blvd (or perhaps it took the onramp onto the 405 and took the 405 to the 10?). Like, I can understand some minor discrepencies, but you’d basically have to try to fuck things up as much as they did.
December 30th, 2009 at 3:42 pmLOL at the screenshot.
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
December 31st, 2009 at 7:39 pmThe timecube website is less confusing than that sentence.
January 2nd, 2010 at 2:15 amforming a sentence, you're doing it wrong.
January 3rd, 2010 at 10:39 pmWot? All your base are belong to us?
January 4th, 2010 at 4:03 pmI love how Africa turns out to be fine…it seems to me like people would have found out pretty damn quick if Africa was fine…fuck the boats, just go to fucking africa. then again, what's a worse fate: dying a horrid death or living a miserable half life in post apocalyptic Africa?
January 6th, 2010 at 4:46 am"What would you like as if you were your own made up animal"
January 6th, 2010 at 7:30 pmJOHN CUSACK: Wow, what an odd character!
WOODY HARRELSON: Character?
Hahahaha, worth reading for this alone. Well done, Rod.
January 8th, 2010 at 2:49 pmUh, no. There are many stupid things about this movie, but minor errors in geography generally deserve a pass.
Unless you're one of those guys that posts "Goofs" entries on IMDB like this:
"Errors in geography: OMG I live in Springfield USA where they filmed this and they show a car going the wrong way down Finkelbean Street when everybody knows that Finkelbean Street is one-way LOL morons"
They're not morons because, in this case, NOBODY CARES.
January 9th, 2010 at 4:37 amIn Soviet Russia…
January 9th, 2010 at 10:59 amI think it would be worth noting that the apparently 1.5km tall tsunami is able to rage continuously into the Himalayas – where, let us remember, some peaks reach over twice to three times that height. Oh boy.
January 11th, 2010 at 8:42 pmLOL
JOHN CUSACK
Zlatko, you’re fat and Russian, surely you have a plan to get out of here.
ZLATKO BURIC
Bvvkaakwwvaalpwwwbda.
JOHN CUSACK
Perfect, Thomas is a pilot! Let’s go to China!
ZLATKO BURIC
Kavvookplbbuddwka!
funniest shit ever. I actually had a hard time trying to hear what he was saying.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:23 pmCHIWETEL EJIOFOR
We have to let these people on board! My cabin is large enough for fifty people!
OLIVER PLATT
You’re an idiot, we don’t have enough food for that many people. Seriously, why am I the bad guy? I’m the only person thinking fucking rationally.
EXACTLY!!!I am trying to figure out how he was the 'villan' when he was trying to save those ON THE SHIP! My other point was his cabin may be able to hold 50 more but at the end of the flich he only had one other person in his cabin and that was because they were a 'couple' (she seemed to get over Dad's death fairly quick too)
January 21st, 2010 at 7:43 pmThere was quite a bit at the end that could have been parodied, like the SHIP BULKHEAD DOOR that isn't stopped by the BODY OF THOMAS MCCARTHY but is stopped by a ROPE.
February 1st, 2010 at 4:50 am"or living a miserable half life in post apocalyptic Africa?"
Which differs from pre-apocalyptic Africa how?
February 9th, 2010 at 10:54 pmI just watched the movie and they said the vice president died in Pittsburg, but that doesn't make it even slightly less ridiculous. Also, they DID go to Yellowstone. I remember because I hate Yogi Bear, but Yosemite Sam is ok in my book.
February 20th, 2010 at 5:49 pmI thought the exact same thing regarding the ’spaceships/boats’ thing. Upon seeing the trailer, they made the boats look like spaceships. Really confused me for a while.
God, this movie sucked SO MUCH ASS.
March 1st, 2010 at 8:32 pmLOL @ Yakov
March 12th, 2010 at 12:13 pm