ARMAGEDDON

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

We see an asteroid. It is very big. It sneers, menacingly, at earth.

INT. SOME GUYS SHED - NIGHT

CUE: Aerosmith song

UNIMPORTANT MALE CHARACTER sits at a big telescope, looking into space, just waiting to create the movie's line of action. Suddenly, he sees something in his telescope. It's ELIJAH WOOD!

ELIJAH WOOD

You stole my part, bitch.

UNIMPORTANT MALE CHARACTER

Bah! That was a drama! This is a mindless action flick.

ELIJAH WOOD

How come NASA never finds these things but lonely losers like us do?

Suddenly, CRASH! The door to the shed opens an UNIMPORTANT FEMALE CHARACTER stands in the doorway, looking angry. ELIJAH WOOD hides.

UNIMPORTANT FEMALE CHARACTER

I've told you before to stop playing with this fucking telescope! What the hell is wrong with you? Now come to bed and love me, Al.

UNIMPORTANT MALE CHARACTER ignores her and looks into the telescope. Suddenly, a SHOCKED look overtakes his face.

UNIMPORTANT MALE CHARACTER

... get me my phone book.

UNIMPORTANT FEMALE CHARACTER

Screw you. Get it yourse-

UNIMPORTANT MALE CHARACTER

GET ME MY

UNIMPORTANT MALE CHARACTER

PHONE BOOK!

EXT. A CITY STREET - DAY

A DOG runs over to a bunch of GODZILLA TOYS and chews on them.

SALES GUY

Hey. Dont eat my Godzillas.

OWNER OF THE DOG

Don't worry about it. Godzilla sucks.

We zoom in on the DOG eating GODZILLA TOYS.

SALES GUY

Yeah, you're right. Godzilla sucks.

OWNER OF THE DOG

Godzilla is a piece of shit.

They both look at the camera.

SALES GUY & OWNER OF DOG

GODZILLA TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!

Suddenly, METEORITES fall out of the sky and begin blowing things up. Things are blown up until the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM develops CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

INT. NASA - NIGHT

CUE: Aerosmith song

A large group of SCIENTISTS stand around, being busy and doing scientific things. One of them is BILLY BOB THORNTON.

SCIENTIST

Sir. An asteroid the size of Texas is going to hit earth in a few days. When it does, life will be destroyed.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

I reckon that ain't good. Texas shore is big.

SCIENTIST

I have a plan on how to use complex mathematical formulas to derive a way to use the gravity of the moon to throw the asteroid--

OTHER SCIENTIST

That plan sucks. It'll never work. You need to blow it up from the center. It will then be in two pieces. We can then take a triangle- shaped ship and shoot those smaller pieces into 4 pieces. And then those 4 into 8. Then we can take those 8 and shoot them all until they desintegrate. And then we can enter our initials into the high scores and..

SCIENTIST

Sir, this man has been playing too many video games, it's obvious..

BILLY BOB THORNTON

No, I reckon I shore do like it. We'll get some drillars to drill inside. We'll place one bomb in it and blow it up into two parts. Those pieces will go around the earth without hitting us and destroy Mars.

SCIENTIST

One bomb? You can't blow up an asteroid the size of Texas up with one bomb! You..

BILLY BOB THORNTON

You're fired.

EXT. A DRILLING PLACE - DAY

CUE: Aerosmith song

BRUCE WILLIS

I am Bruce Willis. I am cool.

LIV TYLER

I am Liv Tyler. I am Bruce's daugher.

BEN AFFLECK

I am Ben Affleck. I am Liv's boyfriend.

WILL PATTON

I am Will Patton. I will probably die during this film.

MICHAEL DUNCAN

I am Michael Duncan. I will also probably die during this film.

OTHER SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

We are the Supporting Cast. We will all probably die during this film. Dramatically.

STEVE BUSCEMI

I am Steve Buscemi. I will make sarcastic jokes about the end of the world since that is what a real person would do. Also, I will make numerous sexual references to minors, as Michael Bay keeps casting me as a pedophile.

INT. NASA - DAY

CUE: Aerosmith song

BILLY BOB THORNTON talks to a crew of ZANY DRILLING CHARACTERS and explains the "plot" to them.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

We've never seen the surface of an asteroid but we want you to land on one and drill into it and plant a bomb. You all prolly gon' die.

BRUCE WILLIS

Let's do it.

STEVE BUSCEMI

Cool.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

This here is Jessica Steen. She will teach you how to cope with space.

JESSICA STEEN

First thing to note is space has less gravity. Which means if I were to kick you in the balls, you'd go flying. Second thing to note is that I am female, I just said "balls", and Steve Buscemi is standing within ten feet of me.

JESSICA gives the CREW over to the TRAINING PEOPLE. The TRAINING PEOPLE put them through a series of tests, most of which end with the crew VOMITING. This is FUNNY.

BILLY BOB THORNTON

You have one day before you blast off. I suggest you go around town and create more comic relief.

EXT. A LAWN - DAY

CUE: Aerosmith song

LIV TYLER and BEN AFFLECK fondle each other.

BEN AFFLECK

Aren't you at all disturbed that your dad is playing the song in the background of your sex scene?

LIV TYLER

I'm more disturbed that I play such a minor character but I was able to pull enough weight to get my dad on the soundtrack so many times.

INT. NASA - DAY

The CREW gets in a ship. They blast off, burning millions of DOLLARS. They stop at a SPACE STATION.

INT. A SPACE STATION - DAY

CUE: Aerosmith song

BILLY BOB THORNTON

(over radio)

You will refuel here. Remember that this thing is Russian-made and also contains a lot of fuel. These facts are important.

PETER STORMARE

I am a zany Russian. Watch me speak incomprehensibly.

BEN AFFLECK

Oh no! I whizzed on a component of the ship and it will explode.

BRUCE WILLIS

IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!

AUDIENCE

This movie already does blow.

They JUST BARELY make it into their ships and blast off just as things EXPLODE.

EXT. THE ASTEROID - NIGHT

One of the ships is hit by a passing special effect. It is DAMAGED.

SHIP PILOT

We're going down!!!

The ship slams into the asteroid and explodes into hundreds upon hundreds of pieces. One of these pieces moves. BEN AFFLECK and PETER STORMARE emerge from the rubble. BEN AFFLECK is holding the remote control to one of the drilling vehicles, which is unharmed. They both get into the vehicle.

INT. SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE ASTEROID - NIGHT

The other ship landed and they are looking at the ground.

BRUCE WILLIS

The ground is thick and morally opposed to being drilled. I can't drill.

MEAN ASTRONAUT

Drill.

BRUCE WILLIS

I can't.

MEAN ASTRONAUT

Then we go to plan B.

The MEAN ASTRONAUT pulls out a GUN and points it at BRUCE WILLIS and his CREW. The MEAN ASTRONAUT places the bomb on the asteroid and sets the timer.

BRUCE WILLIS

You bastard!

STEVE BUSCEMI

WEEEEEE! Whooooaaaaaa!! I want naked 15 year olds!!

BRUCE WILLIS pulls a copy of "Death Becomes Her" out. The MEAN ASTRONAUT shudders in fear and drops his gun. BRUCE picks it up.

BRUCE WILLIS

Now listen. Think about everything logically. I can drill this. But not with this drill, which got messed up when Steve Buscemi started using the gattling gun that's attached to it.

STEVE BUSCEMI

Why the hell was there a gattling gun on-

BRUCE WILLIS

(interrupting)

If we had another drill, I could do it and we could blow this sucker up.

(tearing up)

Now.. do what your heart tells you to do. Do what you know is right.

The MEAN ASTRONAUT begins crying.

MEAN ASTRONAUT

I love you Bruce Willis! I LOVE YOU!

CREW

YEAH! LETS DRILL!!

Cue: Patriotic American Song (by Aerosmith, if possible)

CREW

LETS KICK SOME ASTEROID BUTT! WHOO!!

BRUCE WILLIS

YEAH! ALRIGHT! I LOVE AMERICA!

WILL PATTON

AMERICA IS THE BEST!

BRUCE WILLIS

Oh wait. We still can't drill.

EXT. LOCATION OF OTHER DRILL - NIGHT

The DRILL containing BEN AFFLECK comes to a cliff.

PETER STORMARE

We have to get over this canyon. Luckily, I remember what the female character other than Liv said.

PETER STORMARE kicks DRILL in the crotch and DRILL flies over the canyon.

The DRILL vehicle comes flying through the air above BRUCE WILLIS and CREW, firing its gattling gun all the way.

BRUCE WILLIS

IT'S BEN! YESS!!

The vehicle DROPS to the ground on the spot they want to drill.

BEN AFFLECK

Hey guys. Thought I'd drop in. Ha ha.

BRUCE WILLIS

Ha ha! DROP in. Good one.

BEN AFFLECK

LETS DRILL SOME ASTEROID BUTT!!

CUE: Aerosmith song

They drill. They put the bomb in.

BRUCE WILLIS

Oh no! Some of the spare testosterone from this movie got on the bomb and damaged some gears. It won't be able to be set off by remote. Someone has to stay here and do it.

BEN AFFLECK

I'll stay.

MEAN ASTRONAUT

No, I'll stay.

BRUCE WILLIS

No, Ben. You're not leaving. You have to knock my daughter up. She loves you or something. And mean astronaut, you can't stay back, because that wouldn't be dramatic enough.

BEN AFFLECK

What are you saying?

BRUCE WILLIS

I'm saying..

(pause)

That I..

(pause) (pause)

Will stay.

BEN AFFLECK

No! You can't! If I let you, I'd look like an asshole and lose my protagonist edge.

BRUCE WILLIS

Then I will make you leave.

(to STEVE BUSCEMI)

Steve, Ben here is actually a teenage girl in disguise.

STEVE BUSCEMI

AHH! COME HERE, YOU!!

STEVE BUSCEMI pulls BEN AFFLECK into the ship. BEN screams.

BRUCE WILLIS

I'm sorry. I had to.

The rest of the CREW is hauled back into the working ship and it blasts off.

INT. NASA - NIGHT

BILLY BOB THORNTON

That them there asteroid is gettin awful close.

SCIENTIST

They need to detonate NOW! Or it might be too late.

EXT. THE ASTEROID - NIGHT

BRUCE WILLIS has his hand on the button but does not press it. He talks into a transmitter that the ship left behind.

BRUCE WILLIS

Honey. I love you.

INT. NASA - NIGHT

LIV TYLER

Daddy. I love you, too. I will miss you.

BRUCE WILLIS

(on the TV monitor)

I will miss you too.

SCIENTIST

PRESS IT! YOU ONLY HAVE 2 SECONDS!

LIV TYLER

I love you, daddy

BRUCE WILLIS

I love you, Liv Tyler.

SCIENTIST

NO SECONDS! TIME IS UP! PRESS IT NOW!! AIIEEEE!

LIV TYLER

Bye daddy.

BRUCE WILLIS

Bye.

LIV TYLER

Bye bye.

BRUCE WILLIS

See ya.

LIV TYLER

(tearing up)

Later.

BRUCE WILLIS

(crying)

Adios.

LIV TYLER

Ok, thats enough. Press it.

BRUCE WILLIS

Right.

BRUCE WILLIS presses the button. Everything EXPLODES. If it could be imagined that it might explode as a result of this nuclear weapon, it EXPLODES. A video camera titled "INSTANT REPLAY" shows the explosions from different angles. DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY headbangs in the background.

AUDIENCE

OW! MY EARS!! FUCK!

EXT. A FANTASY WEDDING PLACE - DAY

BEN AFFLECK and LIV TYLER get MARRIED. They KISS. All of the surviving drill guys are there with their wives (with the exception of STEVE BUSCEMI, who is being fondled by three 10 year olds) BEN and LIV KISS again.

CUE: Aerosmith song.

END


Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.

Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the bulk of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com