"I still don't get it, Will. Why were you shooting some meatballs outside of the school?"


"I still don't get it, Will. Why were you shooting some meatballs outside of the school?"

ENEMY OF THE STATE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A PARK - DAY

JON VOIGHT

I am an evil republican. I want a bill passed which allows the government to videotape anything.

OLD MAN

I oppose this bill. Surveillance is bad.

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

Surveillance IS bad!

JON VOIGHT kills the OLD MAN. This gets caught on a tape that JASON LEE takes.

INT . LINGERIE SHOP - DAY

Like most real-life lingerie shops, this one features all of the good-looking, female employees walking around in their underwear.

AUDIENCE

So much for realism.

WILL SMITH

I need some lingerie.

HOT, SEMI-NAKED FEMALE

Wanna have sex?

WILL SMITH

What? I -

Suddenly, JASON LEE runs in and throws the tape into WILL SMITH'S bag. This is also caught on tape.

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

Surveillance is bad, damn it!

JASON LEE runs out and is chased by EVIL REPUBLICANS. Evil helicopters hover over JASON LEE, but they aren't used. Instead, SETH GREEN and his band of GEEKY SURVEILLANCE DWEEBS track JASON via a satellite for no reason. This looks very COOL. And LOUD. A truck hits JASON LEE and kills him. The truck then EXPLODES loudly.

INT . WILL SMITH'S HOME - NIGHT

WILL SMITH

I love you, honey.

REGINA KING

Are you having an affair?

WILL SMITH

Er, I..

REGINA KING

I am a female in a movie, therefore I refuse to understand or even listen to your side of the story. JUST GET OUT!

Suddenly, EVIL REPUBLICANS, having used computer technology in an unrealistic, impossible way, burst into the room and chase WILL. He is now On The Run. His home EXPLODES loudly.

EXT. RANDOM LOCATIONS - RANDOM TIMES

WILL is chased by the EVIL REPUBLICANS and the GEEKY SETH GREEN BAND. This is loud and extremely NEATO.

WILL SMITH

I must find Gene Hackman!

INT . GENE HACKMAN'S PLACE - DAY

GENE removes bugs and trackers from Will Smith's clothing. It looks really NEATO to the AUDIENCE. It's also very CONVENIENT for the writer.

GENE HACKMAN

Hey, remember when I did this exact same character in "The Conversation"? Of course, that was topical..

Meanwhile, the EVIL REPUBLICANS use more fictional video and computer technology to track down WILL and GENE, and they chase them some more.

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

This could happen to you. Or, at least it could if this was at all realistic.

GENE HACKMAN'S home EXPLODES loudly. WILL and GENE use the same technology that was used against them against the EVIL REPUBLICANS, outsmarting them.

DIRECTOR TONY SCOTT

Surveillance is terrible and bad!

AUDIENCE

But if not for surveillance, wouldn't Jon Voight have just killed the old man and gotten away with it?

DIECTOR TONY SCOTT'S anti-surveillance message EXPLODES in his face loudly.

END


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