X-Files: I Want To Believe: The Abridged Script
By Graham McMorrow | Oct 2nd, 2008 |
64 Comments
| Movie: 
"32% on the Tamatometer? Well, back to the lemon party."
[Editor's Note: The month of guest writing continues with Graham McMorrow, who patiently watched Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny try to save their careers with a sequel nobody asked for: X-Files 2: Electric Boogaloo. Graham writes for CityofFilms.com normally, so go check that out. -Rod]
CityofFilms.com started just over four years ago and to be honest – with all the other sites to visit including the Editing Room, I have never felt so useless. Enjoy the script, even if only about 3% of you saw the movie. Cheers.
FADE IN:
INT. DAVID DUCHOVNY’S SECRET HIDEOUT
The ominous X-Files whistle plays, six years after the events of the series finale; former FBI agent GILLIAN ANDERSON now works at a Catholic hospital, and treats a boy with a terminal brain condition. DAVID DUCHOVNY has a beard and cuts newspaper clippings all day.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
David I have been sent by the FBI, they need your help.
The camera slowly reveals the feet, legs, and then the shoulders of this mysterious man no one could have ever guessed would be sitting there.
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
Eh, What’s Up, Doc?
GILLIAN ANDERSON
They are trying to solve a mystery involving people being kidnapped.
(pause)
so this doesn’t involve aliens… at all.
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
Well it would only make sense to go back to the TV shows mythology, such as the alien invasion and colonization of Earth foretold in the series, but who wants that?
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Everyone. But since I haven’t worked since 1998 I figure what the fuck.
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
I knew by the sexy way you walked in here something sexy was about to go down, you see it’s a state often confused with simple human intuition in which the brain proceeds to underline transitory human existence unaided by the conscience mind. So as I am a fugitive and the FBI tried to kill me once…
GILLIAN ANDERSON
(flashes her tits)
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
Ok let’s go.
They fly to Washington, D.C. XZIBIT greets them with hostility brought on by… (lost scene).
CUT TO:
INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS
David and Gillian stand outside the meeting room about to go in when suddenly CHRIS CARTER runs on the screen and pisses on a picture of GEORGE W. BUSH. David and Gillian share a smile and enter the room.
AMANDA PEET
(never blinking)
David we need your expertise with the paranormal, we have been led to a dismembered arm by BILLY CONNOLLY, a pedophilia priest who claims God is sending him visions of the crimes.
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
Sounds hot, but this doesn’t seem like the paranormal stuff we are used to, or that any loyal fan would appreciate. It’s more supernatural, you’re wasting my time and theirs giggity giggity.
AMANDA PEET
Wow you might be right, I am instantly attracted to you, I am infatuated with your mind and would love to further explore this later on in the movie.
They don’t.
XZIBIT (O.S.)
Aww Yeeah!
CUT TO:
EXT. WEST VIRGINA
AMANDA PEET and XZIBIT take BILLY CONNOLY and BEARDED DUCHOVNY to the kidnapped agents home, where the former priest overcomes the others disbelief when on his knees in pain, he begins BLEEDING FROM THE EYES. Seriously.
BILLY CONNOLLY
(crying blood)
Why am I in this fucking train wreck!
XZIBIT
Yo this dude is a fake. I see Ketchup packets under his wrist watch and shit.
At this point the audiences, sore from being hit over the head with all the religious allegory still anxiously await the arrival of little green men.
CUT TO:
INT. BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNYS BED
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Well this must be confusing for everyone.
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
Yeah, are we together or what? I half expect our son to run in any moment and jump on my balls screaming about Christmas.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Son? Oh yeah! Well if we don’t mention it too much maybe it will just go away.
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
Like when T-1000 joined the show and set acting back twenty years?
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Exactly. Oh I forgot to tell you that the severed arm found by the FBI contains traces of an animal tranquilizer. What’s for breakfast?
BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY
(jumping out of bed)
Tranquilizer! Wow! That changes absolutely nothing and explains even less.
We are treated to a musical montage of David shaving his beard to “The Sign” by Ace of Base.
CUT TO:
EXT. CREEPY ASS WOODS
BILLY CONNOLLY
It’s here! Here! I feel it! Fuck!
After a grueling nighttime search in the snow, BILLY CONNOLY has lead the FBI to a frozen burial ground of people, body parts, and his career.
XZIBIT
Sheeit! He probably planted these bitches!
GILLIAN ANDERSON
I’m with ICE T on this one, after nine seasons and having been abducted I’m obviously still somewhat cynical when something out of the ordinary happens.
DAVID DUCHOVNY
And on top of all that you have become a whiny pain in the ass that still doesn’t even seem to know the man you are with. We may as well reference my sister now to remind the audience that this is an X-Files movie.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Well this whole situation reminds me of your desire to solve the case of your abducted sister while at the same time I’m displaying my passion for trying to save my patient.
CHRIS CARTER (V.O.)
Message!
It turns out that a 50 year-old gay RUSSIAN disguises as an organ transporter and is part of an illegal organ-snatching ring to save his gay partner by stealing body parts. When that fails, he plans to have his head grafted onto one of the kidnapped woman’s body. Seriously.
CUT TO:
EXT: ORGAN DONOR FACILITY
Analysis of the frozen remains eventually leads them to RUSSIAN #1, and his husband RUSSIAN #2. The FBI, which includes XZIBIT raid the facility while DAVID DUCHOVNEY and AMANDA PEET stand outside.
DAVID DUCHOVNY
Remember your nude scene in The Whole Nine Yards? If you place your thumb over the screen and close one eye, it’s really not half bad.
AMANDA PEET
Awe, that’s so nice of you to say. I think I’m falling in…
Suddenly Russian #1 walks past XZIBIT and the FBI out of the front door. DAVID chases the RUSSIAN to a building construction site where FORKLIFT OPERATORS are busy at work – in the dark.
AMANDA PEET
You go around and cut him off! I’m heading up the shaft!
DAVID DUCHOVNY
(looking directly into the camera)
That’s what she said.
The 50 year-old RUSSIAN #1 with no special powers outruns the younger DAVID DUCHOVNEY. He then tosses AMANDA PEET down a shaft several stories high that looks put together by the special effects team from FREE JACK.
CUT TO:
INT: CATHOLIC HOSPITAL
DAVID DUCHOVNY
Gillian I am this close to solving this one, I need you with me. There are mysteries that cannot be solved, events that cannot be explained, and a truth that cannot be ignored.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
You realize the hero in this movie is a retired pedophile priest?
DAVID DUCHOVNY
Ok ignore that.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
David, I love you
(pause)
I think? But I cannot keep exploring the darkness with you. Don’t you see that if I don’t stop George W. Bush from banning stem cell research the world will end?
DAVID DUCHOVNY
God, I don’t remember THE BONE COLLECTOR being this boring or preachy.
It wasn’t.
David steals Gillian’s car to go investigate further. ALONE. He happens to stumble upon a supply shop in the middle of nowhere at the same time his suspect comes in. He does not call for back up. He follows Russian #1 until he is spotted and run off the road and left for dead.
INT: EAST EUROPEAN BATH HOUSE
David finds a room full of the people he knows to have been abducting and cutting up women for body parts, armed with…. a wrench. That’s right, a wrench. He gets his shit fucked up.
CUT TO:
INT: SUV
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Gee, I sure am glad that you were able to show up out of nowhere to come help me find David.
The camera slowly shows a shiny bald head from behind soon revealing MITCH PILEGGI only to give him some of the dumbest lines in the movie.
FANBOYS
Walter Skinner Zomfg! BBQ! STFU! Internet!
MITCH PILEGGI
(with a shit eating grin)
No problem sweetheart.
CUT TO:
INT: EAST EUROPEAN BATH HOUSE
They race to the address, where Mitch Pileggi breaks up the medical procedure before the young woman is beheaded, and Gillan rescues David from being axed to death. She then washes up to fix the girl who has been soaking in filthy Russian bath water.
MITCH PILEGGI
(cradling David Duchovny)
You’re alright kid.
DAVID DUCHOVNY
Please tell me it’s over.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
Not yet. We still have to batter the audience some more with my difficulties in faith, science, and God working together for the greater good.
CUT TO:
EXT: DAVIDS NOT SO SECRET HIDEOUT
Gillian tells David that Billy Connolly has died. David points out that Billy Connolly died at the same moment that RUSSIAN #2’s severed head died due to lack of blood flow to the brain. Somehow he deduces the two men’s fates were linked by more than just stupid visions.
GILLIAN ANDERSON
So David what did we learn from this adventure David?
DAVID DUCHOVNY
That with no real mystery to solve, and with no reason to suspect Billy Connolly as an accomplice, which could have been a cool twist; this felt like one big drawn out episode, and by releasing this on the second worst day in the history of cinema to release a film – the week after The Dark Knight; we are sure to please no one.
They embrace again, this time pulling together in a passionately long kiss confusing nerds everywhere.
AUDIENCE
I want to… leave.
CHRIS CARTER
Sorry. I sold the alien mythology script to George Lucas.
END
Haw, great script. Pretty accurately captured the feeling of sitting in the theater watching it. FWIW, I actually liked the movie quite a bit, though I’m fully aware that I’m way in the minority on that one.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 amThis was very funny in general.
“The FBI, which includes XZIBIT…”
That was very funny specifically.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 amWhat is a lemon party?
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 amHey CJ, I actually liked it too. The 3/5 decision was a hard one, ultimately I looked at it as an X-Files movie, but as a movie to watch if you had no insight into the show at all, it really was good.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 amGraham, that was fantastic. I hope you continue to contribute scripts.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:07 amOnly judging by this script, the films sounds horrifyingly bad .. not that i had any intention of seeing it. Anyway, an X-files film with no aliens is definitely weird.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:44 amVery grateful for this guest script .. but I’m still waiting for another Rod Hilton original.
Oh .. and .. Rod … could you do Batman begins in the near future … please? (This is only the third time i’ve asked … :)
OH god not the Whole Cloverfield thing all over again…
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:17 pmI’ve never been into X-files. I might like this movie then, huh?
Hey there’s no transforming robots, that deserves a half-star headstart in my opinion… :-o
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:24 pmScript sums it up quite nicely.
Movie was balls.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:49 pmMore like “I Wanted To Leave”, amirite?
No mention of the unnecessary scene after the credits with Mulder and Scully rowing a boat in the middle of paradise?
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:08 pmI loved the X-Files show to the bitter end. Loved the first movie.
Sat in the theater for this and it slowly dawned on me that this was a fucking mess quickly going nowhere. But I was rooting for it until the end credits, probably because I just missed seeing these guys.
How can so much talent make such a pointless and forgettable movie? The only saving grace was just being happy to see these guys walk around and do stuff again for a couple of hours.
It was like an awkward class reunion. “So, you and Scully, eh? You dog, you…”
Anyway, Graham, you nailed it. Good job. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:13 pm@ random bob
What Cloverfield thing? I’m really serious .. and Rod hasn’t done Batman begins .. but he did lamer trilogies … if he could sit through all of the Pirates’ 460 minutes .. surely he could find a little time for Begins?
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:11 pm@ Frank
Trust me you don’t want to know…
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:24 pmActually, I kind of liked the boat thing at the end, because, like, Scully was lying down and smiling at me. Just me. But she was also saying goodbye, so now I have to back to obsessing about Pam from The Office.
@SaintAndy:
Good luck in your, er, crusade for the Caped Crusader. I’m with ya, which should help you very little.
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:45 pmYeah, good script.
Ice T was great in it.
October 3rd, 2008 at 6:47 amDid he have a pimped out towncar. He should be the new Knight Rider.
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT CLOVERFIELD
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:04 am“They fly to Washington, D.C. XZIBIT greets them with hostility brought on by… (lost scene).”
Um…sorry…what does this mean?
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:41 amYeah, half the abridged script makes no sense. The most confounding thing is that “3 Star” rating up the top. For the three people that saw this abomination of a film, did anyone stay through the credits to see the bizarre boat scene?
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:24 amtank: When I got out of the theater, I had the impression that there was about twice the movie in there, somewhere, but half of it had just gotten cut out to make way for what was on the screen. It was seriously very weird, like there were big gaps in the storyline which were filmed, or at least in the script, or at least in Chris Carter’s head, but which never made it to the screen. It was almost Lynchian sometimes, seriously. Anyway, I don’t know if it was Graham’s intention (if perhaps he had noticed the same thing), but that’s what the “lost scene” and a few of the other abrupt scene cuts in this script reminded me of.
And in general nonsensicalness, I’ll reiterate that reading this script really did have about the same “feel” as I felt while I was watching the movie. I think that the lack of cohesion was entirely purposeful.
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:58 am@tank: (lost scene) meant that if someone was watching and or reading the movie, they would have a hard time figuring out why XZIBIT greets them with hostility. That is all.
The 3 star review is based on it being a good movie, not a great movie, but a bad X-Files movie. That is all.
@CJ: All true.
@Boat Scene: Just like every other script on the site, some scenes just don’t make the cut, and not all of the scripts end the way the rest of us would like them to.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:12 am@SaintAndy: Rod did post a Batman Begins abridged script. It’s in the Incredible Hulk comments section, comment number 34. I looked all that up because I care about you.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:12 am@ Eccel
It’s so good to feel loved! But on a serious note .. you’re right about Rod’s tongue in cheek Batman begins script:
FADE IN:
CHRISTIAN BALE’S PARENTS are murdered. He decides to build a SUPERHERO COSTUME, which takes him TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
He uses it to capture a guy who wears a potato sack on his head, who then gets away.
KATIE HOLMES sucks.
END
Still .. i think he could do a lot better .. there were so many other things you can make fun of in Batman begins.
At least he could post this script in the Quickies section.
@ Dave
Now we’re two! (this is actually a quote from Batman begins, when he threatens Gordon with a stapler and … ok .. now i know i sound totally retarded .. mission accomplished!
But .. Rod .. could you please do Batman begins?
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:57 am3 stars out of 5 is 2 stars too much.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:56 pm@Eccel:
Good find. Thanks.
@Saint Andy:
I’m wondering if Rod has a distaste for the origin stories. After reading that quickie, the mission now appears to be totally hopeless instead of just mostly hopeless.
I would try psychological manipulation, but my midichlorian count is pretty low.
@Graham:
Upon further review, you also really nailed the fact that the most kick-ass character in the movie is a pedophile ex-priest.
And Amanda Peet never blinking. I knew something was off about her, but I could never put my finger on it.
If only they had made her an alien hybrid or something…
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:28 pmOr at least a Super Soldier whose weakness is a certain type of igneous rock.
… Damn ninth season…
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 pmYes, Sean C. Nothing was more cringe-inducing than hearing Robert Patrick say “Supah-soljah” in a fake New York accent. Or Agent Reyes: “I think I told you…I sense these energies.”
Ah, well. There are other chat rooms and comment threads for the post-mortem on the series, I guess. But dammit, they really should have found a way to continue the major plot of the entire show. Its whole “razon-detra” was the aliens, man.
But psychic pedophile ex-priests and gay Russian organ-harvesting Dr. Frankensteins could spawn a whole new series, right? Anyone with me? Guys? Hello? Who said Fringe? Who was that…
Non-sequitur: The Mentalist is not bad, like the lowest-budget procedural crime drama around (paper, scissors, rock anyone?). But this is not a total non-sequitur because Robin Tunney is in it, and yes she’s hot, but my point is she is the closest thing to Scully-esque I’ve seen since Scully. But she’s like constantly tuned to Bitchy Scully.
Oh, and this one’s for Saint Andy: Rodpleasedobatmanbeginsnottheshortonebutarealoneandwe’lldolike400commentsthistimepleasethanksforhearingmeoutman.
I think if we push it Rod’s going to change my comment to something like, “I suck donkey dicks” like he did to the last guy who said First! But we’ll go down swinging. Not swinging donkey dicks, I mean…crap.
I’ll go away for a while. I’m posting too many comments. Sorry guys. Have a nice day.
I made this!
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:10 pmHAHA This is great. Anyone that can refrence FREE JACK is okay in my books. Nice work Graham.
I saw this movie, I would give it 3/5 too. Really well done movie, but as an X-Files fan it was meh.
(looking directly into the camera)
That’s what she said.
Classic.
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:15 pmThese guest scripts are simply boring. These people don’t know how to deliver a joke.
October 4th, 2008 at 5:32 amDave:
Rod changed someone’s comment? LINK! LINK!
Nice script.
October 5th, 2008 at 11:30 am@ just some guy
Well .. not everybody can be as gifted as Rod :). That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the guest scripts .. they are like methadone for drug addicts .. until the real thing ..that is Rod’s script .. comes along.
Oh .. and Dave .. thank you for your support.
October 5th, 2008 at 11:52 amI’ll keep on crusading for Batman begins.
Yeah, XdudeX, see Comments 1 and 21 on Bourne Ultimatum. I guess that was Rod’s way of putting a stop to the “first” thing.
And sorry randombob, when I mentioned it earlier I didn’t realize it had been you. Sounds like you had a good sense of humor about it, though…and I hope you’re not pissed at me for bringing it up. You seem like a decent fellow. I hate to die. (Yes, I know I quoted Princess Bride. I am secure in both my masculinity and my taste in funny movies.)
@Saint Andy: since I’ve decided to be Gordon in our scenario, let me just say that it’s Rod’s duty to keep Hollywood from “covering Gotham in all this poison.” Thank you very much and good night.
October 5th, 2008 at 3:40 pm@ Dave
You are soo right! Maybe that’s the way to persuade Rod … by flattering his vanity. So .. Rod .. would you be our Caped Crusader .. and keep Hollywood from “covering Gotham in all this poison”? Please … do Batman Begins .. And .. since I’m making legitimate (read retarded) demands anyway .. you know you haven’t done Xmen 1&2 either … no fair … we need complete trilogies..
October 5th, 2008 at 4:20 pmHey, no Alt Text for the X-Files? What gives?
October 6th, 2008 at 8:39 amGreat script, very clever and original.
I haven’t seen the movie, but after reading this I actually sort of want to see it. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not? But then again, how can you go wrong with Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly, and Ice T… I mean Xzibit, all in the same film.
October 6th, 2008 at 10:37 amNice script. One quip though, what is a Tamatometer? Do you have Dan Quayle-syndrome?
October 6th, 2008 at 2:18 pmAlso with Mitch Pileggi, he is used to bad dialogue and fanboys judging by the show he is now in. We should take that into account…
October 6th, 2008 at 2:22 pm@Utter Defiance
Of course that after reading your comment i had to haul my ass over to Imdb to find out the bad show Pileggi is currently starring in .. although i really couldn’t care less about either Pileggi or the show. Thank YOU so much for making me waste 2.35 minutes of my time.
Just serves to show what a strong force curiosity really is.
(oh,and it’s Stargate:Atlantis … so that other innocent people will not fall into the same trap)
Rod .. you already know what I’m going to write .. PLEASE do Batman Begins .. or Xmen 1&2 .. or Xmen1/Xmen2 … See .. i’m being reasonable .. i have mastered the art of negotiation and providing alternatives
I have yet to master the art of concision on internet boards …
October 6th, 2008 at 3:18 pmHaha. Skinner showing up randomly at the end. Awesome. Good script, bad x-files, sub par movie.
October 6th, 2008 at 8:25 pmWell, at this point, all you’re technically waiting on is X2.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:22 am@ Fred
Thank you for pointing out that i have the observational abilities of a mole. Your reply made me look for the X-men script.. and i found it http://www.the-editing-room.com/xmen.html.
Still .. I’m not giving up on Batman Begins .. or X2 … did you hear that, Rod? I said I’m not giving up on Begins or X2 … What do you mean you automatically filter retarded requests? Hey .. no fair … picking on disabled people..
October 7th, 2008 at 11:15 amI don’t care if I get flamed for this or not. I’ve been reading scripts here on the site for a long time now, and I love the work Rod does. One thing Rod does well is point out the flaws filmmakers accidentally present in their movies, and the absurdities of many of their decisions. One thing he does NOT do is reduce minority characters to base stereotypes, even if the makers of the films he parodies tend to.
I don’t like rappers, I’m not into modern rap music, and I certainly don’t think Xzibit is talented in the slightest…but I have to say that as a Black male, I found the fact that Mr. McMorrow decided to go for CHEAP laughs by having Xzibit talk in “ghetto jive” every time he appeared in this script to be highly offensive, bordering on racist.
Before anyone tends to comment on this, be aware that I am not “militant”, nor do I go looking for racism everywhere. However, while Xzibit displayed all the acting skills of a pet rock in this movie, and his character was written as a complete asshole, he did speak INTELLIGENTLY and with some clarity of thought…not like a typical Hollywood stereotype of a black male, or a thug. As far as I’m concerned, there was simply no cause for this, and I don’t think it was appropriate in the slightest.
I’m not going to comment on the humor in the script, because it did make me chuckle a couple of times…but those few times aren’t enough to overcome the unpleasant taste I get from reading a “humorous” script where the only black character is presented as a type of minstrel.
At this point, I can’t wait for Rod to get back to putting his own scripts up, if this is what I as a fan of this site am going to be subjected to.
October 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm@ Lance
Your comment made me go back and re-read all of Xzibit lines from the above script. Here they are:
XZIBIT (O.S.)
Aww Yeeah!
XZIBIT
Yo this dude is a fake. I see Ketchup packets under his wrist watch and shit.
XZIBIT
Sheeit! He probably planted these bitches!
My opinion is that McMorrow wasn’t trying to offend anyone, he just opted for the easiest way to achieve humour .. which is heavily stereotyping. One can argue he did exactly the same thing when he made fun of typical fanboys:
FANBOYS
Walter Skinner Zomfg! BBQ! STFU! Internet!
But i do agree that most of the guest scripts are not in the same league as Rod’s.
October 7th, 2008 at 3:08 pmMaybe he just couldn’t get over the fact that Xzibit was so randomly there in the movie, playing a role that obviously should have been Agent Doggit, that “ghetto jive” is what he heard, no matter “intelligent” the dialogue was. It’s a criticism, like any other part of the script.
Trill is when you hustle.
October 7th, 2008 at 10:33 pmOkay so I am certifiably a black person (though, technically, I’m like, caramel-colored or something ANYWAY) and I listen to all sorts of current music (it’s not popular, just current) and some of that has some rapping and whatnot. That is to say, when I read the Xzibit dialogue, I maybe cringed just a leetle before getting over it. I know plenty of white and Asian and whatever type of people who talk like that, and I know plenty of black people who don’t. My point is, the Xzibit dialogue represents a CULTURAL stereotype, not a racial one, I think, not that I’m a sociologist or anything, based in part on the fact that Xzibit is a famous rapper from MTV who spent a lot of airtime talking this way on Pimp My Ride (a show that featured zero racial sterotypes).
October 8th, 2008 at 10:48 amI didn’t edit that comment, so sorry if it sounds stupid. (I’m at work.)
October 8th, 2008 at 10:50 amI actually did like the movie, even being a huge X-Files fan. Most everyone is right though . . . as a movie based on the TV show, it’s sort of crappy. But as a stand alone movie that has nothing to do with the TV show, it was okay. Of course, I’ll take X-Files any way I can get it and I’ll watch anything with David Duchovny in it, so my opinion is probably pretty biased.
October 8th, 2008 at 11:06 am@SaintAndy;
You’re correct, in that McMorrow chose the easiest way to go with his depiction of Xzibit…which proves there are other ways he could have gone with the dialogue.
@Fred;
A cultural stereotype is just as bad as a racial one, except now the person perpetrating the stereotype is aiming it at an ENTIRE people, instead of one. And yes, I understand what your point is that you’re making, in saying you know plenty of Asians, non-blacks etc. that speak in this manner.
@Rod H.;
I’m sorry for unintentionally turning this thread into a race debate. I’m not trying to, and I’ll stop now. This thoughtless part of the script just really fucking irked the shit out of me. Sorry.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:33 pmLance, you’re an idiot. Hes a rapper playing an FBI agent and you yourself criticise his acting skills. Hes obviously miscast.
Seems on par with the millions of times Rod has uses fresh prince lines in will smiths scripts. I suppose they’re racist too.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:04 amShane;
The two don’t compare in the slightest, and fuck you for calling me an idiot, you idiot.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:40 amHey, I don’t normally post here, but I just have to say something. Let’s not sling hate. Every comment thread on almost every web page on the internet is full of Libs vs Cons, and they have more than enough race related “discussion” going on. We don’t need that here.
My two cents? Xzibit is a rapper, so giving him hippity-hop sounding dialog is appropriate.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:32 amLance:
Thank you for pointing out how easy it is to make fun of black people.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:54 amRyan;
Thank you for pointing out how insipid some posters like yourself can be.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:43 am“Insipid.” Wow. Did blackie get out the thesaurus for that one?
October 9th, 2008 at 12:11 pmRyan;
If you’re trying to bait me into lowering myself to your level and going with a racial slur aimed at whites, it’s not going to happen so you may as well just give up now. If you’re just being an asshole because genetics forced that trait on you, it’s a shame.
And I’m certain that as soon as you read my last post, you ran to the dictionary yourself just to find out what “insipid” meant. Not to mention you probably had to look at the cover of a thesaurus about 5 times just to get the spelling of that word right.
Tool.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:34 pm‘The two don’t compare in the slightest, and fuck you for calling me an idiot, you idiot.’
Wow. Maturity at its finest. But I will say, neither side is being very mature. Although that was the golden line so far.
Anyway, I actually thought the movie was okay. But it didn’t really have the X-Files feel to it. Love the George Lucas comment at the end.
October 11th, 2008 at 10:39 ampssst…., it’s tOmatometer (caption).
[/Spelling police mode out]
October 13th, 2008 at 11:23 amI just died a little inside from reading this. Great article, hate Chris Carter.
I will stick up for Gillian Anderson’s career here. No real argument, just a lazy gesture.
December 13th, 2008 at 9:55 amDoes anybody else notice how the cover picture of this script features two white people, not a single minority? So sad. Maybe someday we`ll achieve true equality…on internet blogs.
December 14th, 2008 at 11:22 pmWow, no reference to the after-credits shot of Duchovny and Gillian in bathing suits, on a rowboat, in the ocean rowing toward some island, and as the camera pulls back they both look up at the audience and WAVE GOODBYE?
Or am I the only one who made it through til after the credits finished rolling?
December 27th, 2008 at 3:23 pmIf the FBI agent was played by a random black actor and the parody gave him this dialogue… it would be racist.
If it’s played by a rapper, it’s funny.
I didn’t find the script funny, but I liked the ICE-T joke. The parody was on rappers, not african americans (yeah I realise most aren’t white or chinese). Like someone said, it’s a satirists constitutional right to call an actor out for the previous work they’ve done, whether Will Smith, Speilberg, or Eminem. (oh man! I used a white rapper this time…)
Sorry it winds you up, Lance. I sat through the X-files movie too, so I figure I share your anger, pain and frustration.
Ryan, I’m going to take comfort in the fact that such a sad coward with truly a loser’s existance could make racist comments on an internet forum safe in anonymity. You’re pathethic, even though you’re only six, we know it, and when you look in the mirror and see your mother’s womanly features, you know it too.
January 25th, 2009 at 7:40 pmmost suprising thing about this movie was that it wasn’t terribly bad. not good either, just not cringeworthingly bad.
it’s just a generic organ-stealing horror-story with mulder and scully shoehorned in.
January 27th, 2009 at 4:59 pmholy crap. I didn’t even know about the bonus scene at the end. I just looked it up.. and lemme say, It’s a good thing I didn’t stay for that.. I would have been even more “wtf” about the whole thing.. So, with that said.. seriously, WTF?
What happened to the plot of the movie?? And why does Chris Carter seem to have the tendency to write in information that is absolutely useless to the plot, and to leave out information that is CRUCIAL to it.. Anyone notice the oldschool episodes he didn’t write for were way better than the others? Is it just me?
MEHH… this movie made me so angry…
excellent abridged script though. 2 thumbs up.
January 30th, 2009 at 9:24 pmok so i’m a super x-files fan but i know how to laugh at myself… and my fandom. this was hilarious. i liked the movie. ok so i didn’t love it. i’m supposed to love it because i’m a fan but i didn’t. i LOVED the first movie but this one didn’t really do it for me. that’s why i’m holding out for a 3rd one that involves mythology…. and doggett and reyes. i don’t care what people say about them. i know they aren’t the greatest actors but i like ‘em.
June 16th, 2009 at 8:49 amI'm with you on that. Batman Begins please!!
August 9th, 2010 at 1:49 am