Rule #1: Never let the audience see what you're thinking. Fuck them, those nosy little bastards.


Rule #1: Never let the audience see what you're thinking. Fuck them, those nosy little bastards.

UNKNOWN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL

LIAM NEESON arrives in the lobby of a German hotel with a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES.

LIAM NEESON

Oh no, I've left my briefcase at the airport. I must go back for it. Urgently.

LIAM Hails a cab with a SUPER HOT AND INTELLIGENT YET EMOTIONALLY DETACHED DRIVER.

LIAM NEESON

Well, I guess my cardboard wife must be evil because you're clearly going to be my love interest.

DIANE KRUGER

That obvious, huh?

LIAM NEESON

Duh. The only way you'd be surprised by any "twist" in this movie is if you hit your head and forgot every other movie and TV show ever made.

DIANE KRUGER

Consider it done.

DIANE CRASHES the cab. LIAM hits his head and gets AMNESIA. Except that he remembers who he is. Except when he doesn't. It's basically how brain injuries work in a HANNA BARBERA CARTOON.

DOCTOR

You've got no money, no ID, and a severe brain injury. So naturally you're free to go. Apparently European-style healthcare is every bit as shitty as Newt Gingrich says.

LIAM NEESON

I guess I'll head back to the hotel. Urgently.

He DOES, only to discover the CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES dancing with the BLOATED CORPSE OF AIDAN QUINN.

AIDAN QUINN

Hi, I'm you.

LIAM NEESON

Nuh-uh.

AIDAN QUINN

Yeah-huh.

This CONTINUES for HALF AN HOUR. LIAM is eventually booted from the hotel.

LIAM NEESON

I'm heading for the U.S. Embassy! Urgently!

HOTEL MANAGER

I'm sorry, the embassy is closed for International Plot Contrivance Day.

LIAM NEESON

Then I'm calling my family in America!

HOTEL MANAGER

I'm sorry, America is closed, too. The whole country. All of it.

LIAM NEESON

Then it's back to the hospital. Or maybe the police. Or even the airport.

HOTEL MANAGER

Closed. Closed. Closed. Listen, we clearly introduced the hot cab driver for a reason. Why don't you go find her?

LIAM NEESON

Because that wouldn't make a damn lick of sense.

He DOES IT ANYWAY. Urgently.

DIANE KRUGER

Hi, I'm an illegal immigrant from a war-torn country with no family or any ties to anyone except the only black person in the movie, so naturally he's about to--

Gunmen KILL the black friend.

DIANE KRUGER

Yep. How did you not see that coming?

LIAM NEESON

Head injury.

DIANE KRUGER

Right. Thanks for dragging me into your deadly personal drama for no reason whatsoever. I guess I have no choice but to fall in love with you over the next 24 hours.

LIAM NEESON

Say, I didn't by any chance run into the only illegal immigrant cab driver with contacts in the dismantled East German secret police despite the fact she wasn't even in this country when East Germany existed, did I?

DIANE KRUGER

Oh, fuck it, why not.

LIAM and DIANE go visit former secret police thug BRUNO GANZ.

BRUNO GANZ

I'm a terrible person. I've been a terrible person for decades. Let me tell you just how terrible I am.

LIAM NEESON

And then you'll help us for no payment or personal gain or reason whatsoever?

BRUNO GANZ

Yeah, that's what terrible people do, right?

LIAM NEESON

Um, yes. Yes, they do. Hey, I just remembered I know exactly one person in the world other than my wife! I should call him!

LIAM calls FRANK LANGELLA. Urgently.

FRANK LANGELLA

Hey, by chance I'm in Germany right now, too! Quick, tell me where you are and the names and addresses of everyone you've talked to since hitting your head. And don't take this as blatant evidence that I'm evil.

LIAM NEESON

No, I take the fact that you're Frank Langella as blatant evidence that you're evil. Just look at you! Anyway, here's all the info you asked for.

FRANK LANGELLA

Excellent. Now why don't we meet in an abandoned parking garage as old friends often do when running into each other by chance in foreign countries?

LIAM NEESON

Sure. Just as soon as I play a quick game of cat-and-mouse with my wife.

LIAM chases a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF JANUARY JONES around a museum for a while so FRANK has time to kill BRUNO.

BRUNO

(dying)

Wait! I have vital information to tell the audience! You're clearly an uber-awesome gang of international hitmen known as Section 15!

(dies)

INT. PARKING GARAGE

FRANK meets up with LIAM.

FRANK LANGELLA

Yes, as Bruno was just saying, we're high-priced hitmen... and so are you, Liam! This whole identity you think that's been stolen from you is just your cover story that you started to believe when you bumped your head. Kind of like when Yogi Bear hits his head and thinks he's a world-famous movie star.

LIAM NEESON

And I thought we were joking about that Hanna Barbera thing.

FRANK LANGELLA

How the fact that you have no memories of childhood or parents or going to college or getting a job or any damn thing about your alleged life didn't tip you off that it was fake -- or at least that you have very, very, very severe head trauma -- is something I guess I'll never know because I'm going to kill you now!

LIAM NEESON

Not if Diane Kruger kills you first!

DIANE KRUGER somehow sneaks up on FRANK LANGELLA despite the fact that she's loudly driving a loud car in a loud, echo-y parking garage... and then KILLS HIM.

DIANE KRUGER

Good thing I'm an illegal immigrant with no ties anyone or anything or I might feel obligated to call the police now.

LIAM NEESON

Back to the hotel! Urgently!

INT. HOTEL

LIAM NEESON

My wife and the new me are here to steal a bunch of industrial secrets and then blow up the hotel to cover it up because apparently they thought DIE HARD was an instructional video!

HOTEL MANAGER

You are clearly a crazy person, but I've got nothing better to do than to check old security tapes to see if you show up on them.

He DOES.

HOTEL MANAGER

There you are! Sacre bleu!

LIAM NEESON

Aren't you German?

HOTEL MANAGER

Yes, sorry. It just seems like snooty hotel managers should be French for some reason, doesn't it?

LIAM NEESON

Whatever! Just evacuate the building!

INT. FANCY-PANTS PARTY IN HOTEL PENTHOUSE

AIDAN QUINN

Oh no! They've ordered everyone to evacuate! We must have been found out. January, you dismantle the bomb while I run off without you.

Everyone else evacuates, but JANUARY JONES, being cardboard, just stands there until the bomb goes off.

AIDAN QUINN

Holy crap, I hope I get a more satisfying death than that.

LIAM NEESON

Consider it done.

LIAM pummels AIDAN to death.

LIAM NEESON

Well, despite the major bombing in the middle of a major city, I shouldn't find it any problem to sneak out of the rubble and out of the country. I guess that's because I now remember my life as a badass international hitman for some reason.

DIANE KRUGER

So are you back to being an evil, heartless killer?

LIAM NEESON

No, I'm still the nice normal family man I thought I was.

DIANE KRUGER

But how is that--

LIAM NEESON

BRAIN TRAUMA LETS US DO ANYTHING!

END.


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