Twilight: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Dec 13th, 2008 |
202 Comments
| Movie: 
Pedophiles: please do not bring printouts of this web page to middle schools.
This script was featured on Cracked.com, so you can also read it there.
Apparently some folks have started actually filming this Abridged Script. You can see the trailer for it on YouTube.
FADE IN:
EXT. WASHINGTON
KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.
KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)
Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephenie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn’t be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
BILLY BURKE
Hey honey. I’m super lame. I got you a car, but it’s totally uncool because I’m totally uncool.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I’ll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh my God I love your hair you’re so pretty will you be my new best friend?
GREGORY TYREE BOYCE
Can I take you out sometime since you’re so awesome?
MICHAEL WELCH
No way you asshole, I saw her first!
KRISTEN STEWART
I’d rather watch “The Messengers” than date either of you. Why don’t you go ask Anna instead?
ANNA KENDRICK
Ohmigod I’m getting Kristen’s rejects that’s so awesome!
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl’s pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren’t well-written characters supposed to have flaws?
ANNA KENDRICK
Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you’re a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don’t think so. Let’s make out.
Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. The paleness of him and his family members reach blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theater reach deafening levels.
KRISTEN STEWART
Who’s the albino Wolverine?
ANNA KENDRICK
Oh, him? That’s Robert. He’s universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in school but he doesn’t date anyone because no girl is good enough for him.
KRISTEN STEWART
No girl is good enough for him? Man, the excuses closested homosexuals come up with these days…
KRISTEN sits next to ROBERT, who nearly vomits in his mouth and leaves school for a week. Eventually, he returns.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.
KRISTEN STEWART
(swoon)
ROBERT PATTINSON
You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.
ROBERT and KRISTEN continue not quite interacting with each other and having no chemistry together.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, your eyes are changing color from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. What’s going on?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephenie Meyer!
ROBERT PATTINSON
There’s more. I want to eat you.
KRISTEN STEWART
Holy shit, really? I need to go home and do some waxing first, but…
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, I mean literally eat you. I’m a vampire.
KRISTEN STEWART
Hmm. The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using special effects from the 70’s.
He DOES.
KRISTEN STEWART
You really are a vampire! Does that mean that garlic, stakes, and sunlight kill you?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don’t be stupid. All of that lore is far too interesting for this movie. Being a vampire just means I get superpowers. It’s like being Spiderman, but sexier. Also, I sparkle in the sunlight.
KRISTEN STEWART
So that’s why why your family moved here, because it’s always overcast!
ROBERT PATTINSON
That’s right everyone, this whole movie is a 2-hour-long setup for a joke about the Pacific Northwest.
KRISTEN STEWART
So if you’re immortal, how old are you anyway?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Over a hundred, but to be fair I’ve spent most of that time working on my hair.
The two of them GAZE into each other’s eyes with UNCOMFORTABLY HUGE CLOSEUPS for 80% of the rest of the movie.
INT. KRISTEN’S BEDROOM
KRISTEN wakes up to find ROBERT watching her sleep.
KRISTEN STEWART
Holy fucking shit! If you weren’t so hot I’d have you arrested! How long have you been doing this?
ROBERT PATTINSON
2 months.
KRISTEN STEWART
But I’ve only lived here one month according to the script.
ROBERT PATTINSN
Yeah, the script was written in six weeks. Don’t get hung up on shit like that.
KRISTEN STEWART
Oh. Well, as long as you’re here I guess we could have sex.
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, I can’t have sex with you! I’d be unable to control myself! I’d bite you and turn you into a vampire! Also I ejaculate boiling venom, so I’d need to wear like fifty condoms.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wait, we can’t have sex at all, and you can’t suck my blood? How can you make a vampire movie without anyone sucking blood?
ROBERT PATTINSON
It’s alright, I think this movie already has more than enough sucking.
INT. BILLY BURKE’S HOUSE
BILLY BURKE is cleaning his gun and drinking a beer while listening to country music.
KRISTEN STEWART
Dad, my boyfriend is coming over to pick me up. Try not to get dork all over him.
BILLY BURKE
Okay, let me meet him after the movie makes the film industry’s ten billionth joke about protective fathers disliking boyfriends.
KRISTEN STEWART
Alright. Oh and also he’s a 100-year-old vampire, don’t say anything racist about vampires, okay?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Hello, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kristen has said absolutely nothing about you because you’re so lame.
BILLY BURKE
So I hear you’re a 100 years old. And interested in my 17-year-old daughter. So, mathematically that’s like, what, a 40-year-old dating a 6-year-old?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Ummmmmmmm…
BILLY BURKE
Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.
KRISTEN STEWART
Dad, you’re embarrassing me almost as much as my acting does! I’m just going over to his house to have dinner with his family, I’ll be back before 11. Unless the ravenous vampires murder me, of course.
BILLY BURKE
Alright, just bring this pepper spray with you. It’s literally the very least I can do to offer it to my teenage daughter.
KRISTEN STEWART
Daaaaad! Stop being such a loser, I don’t need this!
BILLY BURKE
Really? Weren’t you almost raped by four guys earlier in the movie?
KRISTEN STEWART
Yeah but I have a BOYFRIEND now, which means I no longer have to be independent of physically capable of doing anything on my own. GOD!
ROBERT and KRISTEN go to visit ROBERT’S FAMILY MANSION in the middle of the woods, because of course the FANTASY MALE should be rich, too.
INT. GLASS MANSION
KRISTEN meets ROBERT’S VAMPIRE FAMILY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Jesus, this place is paler than an Anne Rice book signing event. At least it doesn’t smell as bad.
PETER FACINELLI
Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I’m the father figure of this family because I’m the one who turned them all into vampires. There’s something disturbing about the idea that I’ve only turned teenagers into vampires, but let’s ignore that.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?
PETER FACINELLI
Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin…
NIKKI REED
Knock it off, dad. So, Kristen, there must be something really special about you for Robert to take such a liking to you and risk the lives of his entire family. Tell us about yourself.
KRISTEN STEWART
Me? Oh, no. I’m just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever.
NIKKI REED
Oh. Well what do you like to do for fun?
KRISTEN STEWART
Mostly smoke pot on my porch in front of the paparazzi. What about you guys?
PETER FACINELLI
Vampire baseball.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ha ha, no seriously.
PETER FACINELLI
Really. Vampire baseball. We even have uniforms. Want to come watch us play?
KRISTEN STEWART
Actually as it happens the very last thing on Earth I or any other sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.
They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience. The game attracts the attention of some EVIL VAMPIRES, who actually do the type of shit vampires are supposed to, like fucking kill boring humans. One of them, CAM GIGANDET, notices KRISTIN.
CAM GIGANDET
Oh man, that looks great, are you gonna finish that?
ROBERT PATTINSON
Stay away from her or my family will have to kill you. Specifically, we’ll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.
CAM GIGANDET
Murder, eh? That’s one hell of a family activity. My family usually just plays scrabble.
PETER FACINELLI
The family that slays together, stays together.
CAM tries to eat KRISTEN, a poorly directed action sequence ensues, and eventually he is defeated.
PETER FACINELLI
Kristen’s been bitten! She’ll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can’t do it for some reason or another.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
PETER FACINELLI
Look, all I know is that even though it’s going to be REALLY HARD, you’re just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.
He DOES. It’s very DISSATISFYING.
INT. HOSPITAL
KRISTEN wakes up in the hospital, and ROBERT wakes up after her.
KRISTEN STEWART
I thought vampires never slept.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Script. Six weeks. Remember?
KRISTEN STEWART
Right. Well, thanks for saving my life after endangering it by inviting me into your dangerous world. Let’s go to the prom together.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Actually, I think it would be better if we broke up. To keep you safe.
KRISTEN STEWART
From vampires?
ROBERT PATTINSON
No, from being typecast forever after this series is done. I’m screwed, but it’s not too late for you.
KRISTEN STEWART
No. No, you can’t ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Holy shit, you’re a clingy psychotic bitch. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.
They stay together and go to the PROM.
KRISTEN STEWART
I want you to make me a vampire so that I can be with you, even if it means sacrificing my own life as a mortal.
ROBERT PATTINSON
So, the next generation of young women is currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.
KRISTEN STEWART
I love you. Put a baby in me.
ROBERT PATTINSON
At least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.
They ARE.
END
Okay, the movie sucks, I get it, but it also kind of sucks that we females get *one* stupid pandering movie and you all tear into it.
Remember that movie where the nerdy/lonely/loser guy is plucked from obscurity and saves the world/gets rich and famous/gets superpowers/gets the super-hot girl who loves him for who he is inside? Men get 4-5 brain-dead wish-fulfillment every year where in the end the supermodel-caliber girl is the *reward*, but they make one brain-dead movie with a “guy reward” and the internet goes apeshit.
(Don’t get me started on Transformers. Nerdy loser guy saves the world, gets Megan-Freaking-Fox *and* a robot car. Chicks in movies *never* get the robot car.)
December 13th, 2008 at 10:52 amThis script was flat-out venomous; I loved it. And because of it I did an image search of the author of Twilight, and yeesh! she looks like Anne Hataway gone terribly awry.
December 13th, 2008 at 11:27 amSpot on. Spot on.
December 13th, 2008 at 11:35 amYou nailed it. I actually didn’t mind the movie as much as I thought I was going to (except for the rampant and disturbing anti-feminism), but I have never laughed harder at an abridged script. Well done.
December 13th, 2008 at 12:05 pmHere’s the thing about what folks are saying about how this movie takes women’s rights back about fifty years: It’s usually the hardcore feminazis. While I have seen the movie and have to agree to a degree, I still have to say it’s alright to have a movie or the feeling that a girl can still be a girl. They don’t have to be all classic Disney princess girls, but they don’t have to also be buzzcut, men-are-slimeballs rugmunchers.
December 13th, 2008 at 1:37 pmwow you got it dead on, well besides for the fact that in the hospital edward pretends to sleep. sorry, that was an inside joke my twilight-obsessed friends shared with me when i was just going on and on about the nonsense that is the movie.
i like the fat jokes about the author. i too felt it was her version of “second-life” because she couldn’t figure out how to use the internet.
December 13th, 2008 at 1:45 pmIncredibly harsh. I love it.
@Hibryd: Those male wish-fulfillment movies you speak of (like Transformers) suck too. The bridge between the two sexes is simple. Stupid men will watch a shitty, unrealistic movie if it has explosions in it. Stupid women will watch a shitty, unrealistic movie if it’s “cute.” Both behaviors are abhorrent, neither are acceptable.
December 13th, 2008 at 3:38 pmI like it when Rod uses a script as an opportunity to poke at other movies too: “I’d rather watch The Messengers.” It makes me go do my research sometimes.
The Messengers won a Leo Award for Best Cinematography in a Feature Length Drama, I’ll have you know. (Thanks IMDb.)
Also, the whole thing with the sad-sack dad was fun. As a loving and caring dad myself, I can’t wait until my kids are teenagers and realize what a dumbass I am.
December 13th, 2008 at 4:38 pmbravo.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:13 pmHey Rob,
This is definitely the most I’ve ever laughed reading one of your scripts. The only reason I went to see Twilight was in anticipation of your script. Let me say that you certainly made it worth sitting through that horrible movie.
I blogged about your script on my music project’s blog. I linked to the Cracked.com page as well as The Editing Room.com.
http://blog.myspace.com/27145984
Keep it up!
December 13th, 2008 at 9:32 pm****ROD, not Rob. Apologies!
December 13th, 2008 at 9:55 pmSadly, I think this has been one of the worst scripts to date; I didn’t laugh once. However, considering the source, I don’t blame Rod at all. Twilight was a useless mess.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:38 amwow, this was so completely not what the movie was like. and sorry, but the movie was more for fans of the books and not people who are to lazy to read. the movie was a great adaptation of the book so get over yourself people.
December 14th, 2008 at 9:12 amHibryd:
December 14th, 2008 at 10:42 amI think one big distinction between your run-of-the-mill action movie and this movie is that the Internet HATES Mormons. If someone found out that National Treasure was created by a Mormon, no one would ever shut up about it.
I thought Twilight was great and I don’t agree with all the crap people say about it-they over-analyze. But this abridged script was well-written and made me laugh. I’m not one of those people who has made Twilight my religion, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the series. Good job. :)
December 14th, 2008 at 1:54 pmI loved the script, but 1 nit-pick: Rob wasn’t sleeping, he was just pretending, and they made that pretty obvious during the movie.
Oh well though, in the end that’s pretty much my only problem with anything you’ve ever done, so keep up the great work!
December 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pmNice one.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:21 pmThis film almost kills the coolness factor of vampires, almost..
“wow, this was so completely not what the movie was like. and sorry, but the movie was more for fans of the books and not people who are to lazy to read.”
I’ve read the book. It was worse than the movie.
Honestly, it’s 200 pages of a sad, lonely woman endlessy describing how gorgeous some boy’s eyes are. There’s nothing about this “tragic” character which isn’t inherently perfect, which is something of a fatal flaw for anybody who isn’t just looking to fall in love with a fantasy character.
This script pretty much nails it. If you disagree, there is zero chance that you are anything other than a teenage girl.
December 14th, 2008 at 6:22 pm“Here’s the thing about what folks are saying about how this movie takes women’s rights back about fifty years: It’s usually the hardcore feminazis. While I have seen the movie and have to agree to a degree, I still have to say it’s alright to have a movie or the feeling that a girl can still be a girl. They don’t have to be all classic Disney princess girls, but they don’t have to also be buzzcut, men-are-slimeballs rugmunchers.”
No but it does mean growing some fucking balls (in the shape of ovaries) and not going gaga over some heroin addict looking limp biscuit with faux fangs. I, like most realistic vagina-having persons, would probably bang Pattinson in a back alley.
I’m pretty sure stephenie meyer has the emotional mental capacity of a teeny boppin’ nymphomaniac and really just needs a good night of butt fucking.
Rod you are genius. I’m glad I know you.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:32 pmI actually am a teenage girl, and I thought this script was hilarious and an accurate representation of the movie, which was pretty horrible. I liked the book quite a bit but don’t really have any desire to read the other three. It’s pretty entertaining to watch a massive amount of teen chicks obsess over this book/movie, etc. I honestly feel bad for all the guys out there whose girlfriends are preoccupied with this Edward character because they are now held in comparison to another stereotype they will never live up to, since they can’t truthfully tell their girl that her blood smells like flowers and they would rather drink it than have sex with her.
December 14th, 2008 at 7:42 pmStavros
December 14th, 2008 at 10:06 pmwow way to be a sexist asshole for all to see. the meyer wrote the books for a middle school audience and for that audience the books are great. and i doubt that meyer is a sad lonely woman considering the husband and children she’s busy raising, but whatever.
and fyi i am NOT a teenage girl.
That was pretty funny dude. I almost ended up fired I was laughing so loud.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:26 amAnd this is coming from a lover of the books and…okay not a lover of the film but I didn’t mind it, let’s put it that way.
This movie is way more terrible than this script can possibly show.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:10 amThe movie was horribly filmed and edited, badly acted, loaded with terrible dialogue and and even worse effects, and just generally stunk on every technical level possible. If the books are “soooo great”, as the fans keep insisting, you’d think they’d be outraged that the movie was such a laughable travesty. The fact that the fans love it suggests that the books must be pretty awful source material.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:56 amThe movie is the worst that I’ve seen in a long time. Yes, it faithfully follows the book…but it’s a poorly made movie. The acting is terrible, the dialogue could be written better by a four year old and I won’t even start on the special effects…Basically, this article is spot on. And for those who say we over-analyze the movie and book…it’s what fans of movies and books do, especially to supposed “literature.” Stephenie Meyer expected this (or should have) since she has a degree in English. And, as I know, all you do as an English major is analyze and dissect Literature.
December 15th, 2008 at 5:23 amI’ve been trying to figure out what to blow my last free ticket on before it expires. This abridged script was too lulzy for me to ignore.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:13 amClassic….funniest script yet.
“Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?”
I fell out of my chair!!
December 15th, 2008 at 12:13 pmRod, I feel soooooo sorry for you having to sit through this shitty ass movie!! I refused to watch it (I’m a HUGE Anne Rice fan), but my friend was forced to go by her 13 year old cousin, and she said it fucking bombed!!! This script almost made me pee my pants….and DID make me shoot Coca-Cola out of my nose!! Thank you!! Keep on keepin on!!!
December 15th, 2008 at 2:53 pmThis is me, officially proposing marriage to you. I don’t care about your previous marital status, the script has done it, I am wooed. I have dedicated my life to hating Twilight (what a lameass life quest, I know, don’t let it deter your answer to my marriage proposal whatsoever) and this script is yet another jewel in my crown of Twilight Hate.
I tried to list favourite moments but then I basically copied and pasted the entire script back into a comment. but if I had to pick a few, I’d go with…
-”So, the next generation of young women is currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.” This is basically my beef with Twilight in a nut shell.
-KRISTEN STEWART: “No. No, you can’t ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.” This is pretty much the scene from the movie verbatim, only I think it was six hours longer in the movie.
-”ROBERT PATTINSON: Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?
PETER FACINELLI: Look, all I know is that even though it’s going to be REALLY HARD, you’re just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.” Just plain funny.
Best ever. Can’t wait for more scripts!
December 15th, 2008 at 9:28 pmI have a friend who is 18. Her boyfriend is emotionally abusive, controlling, and obsessive. She stays with him partly because “he’s SOOOOO like Edward!!11!”
Eat shit, Stephanie Meyer.
Rod, thanks for the laughs, this was spot-on.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:55 pmThe dialogue in this movie made me whine like a kicked puppy.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:22 pmdont forget that for her to act dramatic it takes her 30 minutes to say something
December 15th, 2008 at 11:51 pmTabloid: what does “a girl can still be a girl” even mean? Way to adhere to strict gender roles, sweetness.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:15 am“I ejaculate boiling venom, so I’d need to wear like fifty condoms.”
ROTFL. That is quite possibly the best quote of all time. It’s easily right up there with walk softly and carry a big stick. Good job.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:57 amAbsolutely hilarious!!Even though I am a massive fan of the books, that had me almost wetting myself. Im yet to see the film and Im ashamed to say I will probably love that to. Can understand why it may not be everyones cup of tea but Im definitely a fan!!! This is Genius though!!
December 16th, 2008 at 8:04 amGreat script writeup. I loved the movie, but that’s because I didn’t bother to take it seriously. It was so bad that it was unintentionally hilarious. I had a great time watching it. Oh, and I read and loved the books, for much the same reason. Not every book/movie has to be a diatribe or political/social statement.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pmLOL! That’s hilarious. I’m a huge fan of the books, and I liked the movie, but honestly your script is probably the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Keep it up, please! :)
December 17th, 2008 at 1:59 am>LOL!
>I’m a huge fan of the books, and I liked the movie
These two statements go together like nothing else on the Internet.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:50 amSo I went to Cracked.com to read it and I noticed that in the comments ummm is it just me or are some of the Cracked.com comment kids retarded? I mean look at these stupid comments:
Wow this whole website sucks and espeically this article. What is up with all the talking crap on movies on this site? Do people really enjoy reading this BS?
Twilight…is amazing, even if its overrated…your just some person that wrote this because you had nothing better to do. Yes, the book may be a little unrealistic but thats what fiction is retard. Your just jelious because you cant write a awesome enough story like Stephine Meyer did
You know what I think is funny? It’s almost ALWAYS guys who hate this.
wanna know why?
Because they hate the romance part of it. Because they have no love life of their own. And they know they could NEVER be like Edward, so they’re not even going to try.
Girls, guys will ALWAYS be sons of bitches for the rest of eternity.
And people who hate Twilight should burn in hell.
E-Jaz
heyy.,
i would like to say that you people are just jealous that you couldn’t write four books with over three hundred pages each ! STUFF you all ! your criticism is justbullshit broo.,
get over the fact “twilight” is taking better than anything that your life could depend on ahahahah
(=
I didn’t think their could be an even dumber fanbase than the Jonas Brothers fans till the Twilighters came along.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:23 pmFunny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin…
best thing ive ever read
December 17th, 2008 at 10:13 pmThis is the best script yet! It made my cousin Akasha snort Coke! (A-cola, that is.)
Oh, and I’ve been visiting the site for about a year and was too busy enjoying everybody else’s comments to leave one of my own, so I’ll add that this is an awesome site. I send people here all the time, and, strangely, reading these scripts has actually helped me to become a somewhat better writer, so thank you.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:22 pmWas I the only one who didn`t realize this movie was even based on a book? Hell, the only reason I even noticed the movie was because of the southpark episode based around it.
Now we`ve got an army of newly pmsing girls assulting internet blog comment sections defending their terrible taste in literature and film to a bunch of bored middle aged dudes surfing the internet at work. What the hell is going on? I am freaking out here, and starting to wonder if that was even really acid that guy at the bus stop sold me.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:55 pm“Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl’s pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren’t well-written characters supposed to have flaws?”
THANK YOU. When I first saw the author, this is exactly what I thought. It was mean script, but let’s face it, probably over 90% of the female audience fit this profile.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:42 pm@Chris:
That was the most awesome comment I have ever read. You were better than that time I got high and read Faulkner to myself in the mirror naked.
I didn’t realize I had been wasting my time on this site being amused by a “jelious” retard. I see the light now. You might even say I see the twilight.
Thanks for helping bring romance back, broo.
December 18th, 2008 at 5:34 pm@Chris:
I meant to say thanks to the twilighters for bringing romance back. “I am not gay, I never have been gay.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
December 18th, 2008 at 5:53 pmThis movie sucked. OH NOEZ I AM A VAMPYRE!!! Got old really fast. And all of those people who defend this movie, need to have been at the alamo. At least they would be shot.
December 18th, 2008 at 8:45 pmWow, this is the longest “abridged” script I’ve seen in a while. You could practically make a short film out of it. But if cracked.com is correct about the scripts being “10 times shorter”, then I guess they should all last about 10 minutes or so.
I think one big distinction between your run-of-the-mill action movie and this movie is that the Internet HATES Mormons.
Really? I thought the Internet mainly hated Scientologists… But I suppose there could be a lot of people who see Mormonism as Scientology Lite for some reason. Personally, I’ve decided I don’t care about a religion’s dubious origins as long as its overall theology is decent.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:09 amThis made me laugh when I really needed it. Thank you. :) And, having read the first two-thirds of the book (I couldn’t finish it… I was near to vomiting from the excessive sappiness without any pre-established chemistry), I can say that it was, indeed, spot on. Nice work. :)
December 19th, 2008 at 12:12 amIt sounds like the lead character of this book/movie is a Mary Sue. That’s frowned upon in other types of fiction, but apparently is still good enough to sell lots and lots of book and makes lots and lots of money. Wikipedia has a definition of Mary Sue:
“Mary Sue… is a pejorative term used to describe a fictional character who plays a major role in the plot and is particularly characterized by overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as wish-fulfillment fantasies for their authors and/or readers. Perhaps the single underlying feature of all characters described as “Mary Sues” is that they are too ostentatious for the audience’s taste, or that the author seems to favor the character too highly. The author may seem to push how exceptional and wonderful the “Mary Sue” character is on his or her audience, sometimes leading the audience to dislike or even resent the character fairly quickly; such a character could be described as an “author’s pet”.”
December 19th, 2008 at 11:19 amFantastic script Rod, I knew this movie would be shitty from the first time I heard that it was written by a mormon house wife because she had a dream about it. What annoys me about this most of all though is that I have a lot of feminist friends who hate mysogynistic activities but they won’t listen when I tell them how mysoginistic it really is.
December 19th, 2008 at 5:55 pmThank you so much for writing this. Need to show it to the people who loved it; I can see the generation going downhill with this story.
@Utterly confused: Fortunately, there’s still a group of women with some sense to notice this movie (and book) is complete utter bullocks and crap. I can’t believe that drivel got published, so I will apologize in the name of the authoress and the tarts who love this and claim is Shakespearean prose.
December 19th, 2008 at 11:55 pmI never understood why people liked those crappy books, and I’m a teenage girl.
But I think this sums it up-
“Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl’s pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren’t well-written characters supposed to have flaws?”
All of the girls I met who enjoyed the series were either unpopular, or fat, or both. With a touch of liking to follow the crowd (but they’re non-conformers), and being complete idiots.
I’ll wait until it’s on TV, consume vast amounts of alcohol, just to see the sparkling vampires and vampire baseball. Seriously, they go in the sun and sparkle? The writer must have been high to think that writing this crap was a good idea.
December 20th, 2008 at 5:29 amwhat is a 100 year old guy still doing at school anyway? shouldn’t he by this time in his life have finished like 10 different university studies? unless he’s a total moron
December 20th, 2008 at 9:22 amI HATE Edward. After this movie, I hate him even more. I thought the books were entertaining though. We just need to figure out a way to get the two main characters out of them…
December 20th, 2008 at 10:45 pmHahaha. as much as i enjoyed the books, the movie was terrible, and after i read this; well this just completed my thoughts on how stupid the whole concept really was. And i agree with “goldspan” ( he also commented on this ) Kristen Stewart & Robert pattinson need to get the HELL out of that movie. It’s not fair for Stephanie Meyers hard work in best selling books to go down the drain just because the acting and concept sucked in that movie..
bogus as it is. i still think this script should be published.
December 21st, 2008 at 6:28 pmSo true, no wonder this movie is so popular. I completely understand it now. Even more so, I understand why my sister likes it, even though she’s be teasing me for being into Goth boys for years.
I can’t believe a woman wrote such dredge. If I wrote this movie, I’d have kicked Robert’s a$$ for even daring to insult me. I dunno though, actually then it’d probably turn more into some weird comedic Anime, where I get some twisted revenge on him while weird completely unrelated nonsense was happening in the background. Like, PaniPoni Dash or Excel Saga if you’re familiar with Animes.
Of course, given my conscience that never will let up, I’d probably end up feeling sorry for Robert. Then find out that this all was cause he was made fun of for being a vampire in like the 2nd grade. Then that would be the end, or something.
Well at least it doesn’t make any less sense then the Twilight movie.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:11 pmA-W-E-SOME…i was rollin! glad to hear someone else can’t stand her sucky acting..
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:35 pmPerfect…
Kristen: “No. No, you can’t ever leave me. Never. No matter what. We must be together forever and ever and ever.”
Robert: “Holy shit, you’re a clingy psychotic bitch. Maybe we have a realistic high school relationship after all.”
That Hospital Scene will forever live in history. It went more like:
Kristen: “N-N-N-N-N-N-No! Y-Y-You can’t leave me! Y-You just can’t. D-D-D-D-Don’t say that!”
Robert: “?”
She was stuttering so much that it killed the mood.
December 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 amHehe…I love Twilight, but, for some reason, this cracked me up. Bella is a Mary Sue…so LOL. Just sent it to my sis, she loves Twilight, but 10 bucks says she’ll laff.
December 23rd, 2008 at 9:00 pmWell done, ever since the movie came out I thought to myself “I can’t wait until this movie has an abridged script that tears it to shreds.” and you did not disappoint.
December 25th, 2008 at 7:22 amSo I loved the movie, but that’s because exactly as you said, Bella’s a blank slate that just about any girl can project herself into. I was laughing so much at this script, and I wasn’t expecting you to write this one, because I didn’t think you’d subject yourself to seeing this! but thank you, it’s so funny!
December 25th, 2008 at 6:47 pmAfter reading this script, I decided to look at Wikipedia to see what the actual plot was, since there’s no way in hell I’m watching this movie. And, since there were more books and I have one of those personalities, I kept clicking the next book links to see what they were about. Morbid curiosity I guess. Now, unless this is vandalism, and I clicked about 50 pages in the history of the wiki page to only find the same thing… (From the newest book)
“Edward grants Bella’s wish and makes love to her. Soon after, Bella sees a box of unused tampons and realizes that she is pregnant”
Seriously. Is this an ACTUAL plot point? Is this REALLY how she figures it out? Not that she doesn’t realize she’s late or something but that she see’s a box? Jaysus.
December 26th, 2008 at 4:59 pmThis movie justifies female genital mutilation.
December 26th, 2008 at 7:40 pmThe books as well.
December 26th, 2008 at 7:41 pmI saw this featured on cracked.com, and went here and read other scripts. I found this the most hilarious, though.
I hadn’t read the books, but I got curious about all the hype around Twilight, so I watched the movie. It wasn’t anything great, with the bad acting, inexpert editing, awful make-up and special effects, cliched plot points and cheesy dialogue, underdeveloped story and characters, and so on, but I figured, I might as well try to enjoy it. Like MoriahBlue #36, I managed to be entertained by it by not taking it seriously (the cheesy lines were funny), but beyond the momentary entertainment is something disturbing–something you summed up in the last scene. So maybe Twilight provides much in the way of escapist thrills, but it also romanticizes anti-feminist situations. And now so many girls and women identify with a clingy, dependent character, fantasize about having a stalker-like, controlling, dangerous boyfriend, and be in an unequal, destructive relationship. Way to go to contribute to women’s empowerment! What’s more disturbing is that so many girls and women buy and love this crap without even problematizing it! So THANK YOU for writing scripts like this and reminding us that there’s always politics behind enjoyment and that we need to be aware of it and not just mindlessly be entertained.
December 27th, 2008 at 3:19 amOkay, I love the book and the movie, they’re great. But I have to say in a few parts of the book and movie both, I thought they were going to do something. And I was SO lost because they were alone SO much and watched her sleep so therefor he was almost ALWAYS in her room. I was so confused when he was in her room and she was almost naked? I mean that was weird because I dout anyone wants to see a butt on the movie screen. They like to touch in the book and i think its weird.
December 27th, 2008 at 7:24 pmi really like this movie so i think that u dnt need to trash it like this and let it be. if yall dnt like it cuz its great then leave us twilight lovers alone and go find another movie that u like so we can trash talk that one. so goodbye and dnt make fun of or trash sexy vampires. just for all yall this movie aint bad its great and the acting is amazing and im sure u would love to be kristen stewart when she is all over robert pattison….
December 27th, 2008 at 7:26 pmdude.
December 27th, 2008 at 9:44 pmi like the twilight books.
the movie was terrible(i go for taylor lautner)
but… I LOVED LOVED LOVED THIS ABRIDGED SCRIPT.
guys, i like twilight, but this was hilarious. i have a sense of humor lol
keep writing
i’d like to have your babies.
please.
December 27th, 2008 at 10:55 pmDear god, I went to see it and got asleep halfway through. Although, I think the director got asleep halfway through too but at least I woke up 5 minutes later, she didn’t. And since when do Hollywood movies have 2 cents and a roll of string for special effects? What the hell did they spend their money on? Baby powder for the whiter shade of pale vampires? Oh, and I get that some imaginary school lets kids leave whenever their parents want to pull them out for hiking and such but how the FUCK does that doctor vampire pull that shit at the hospital? Does he skip his shifts or something? And what on earth are that baseball and bat made of? Bullshitanium? That ball reached mach 3, it should be a messy pile of material, and bat should be messy pile of splinters and shrapnel.
God I hated the movie.
December 28th, 2008 at 4:07 pmPublish twilighter233♥’s email address so we can sell it to spammers.
December 28th, 2008 at 4:56 pmJason, although I fully agree with you, I would love to get her email address, the thing is if Rod openly gave it to us then whoever the other person is could just as easily turn around and sue Rod, and since Rod has been so kind to bless us with this train wreck turned amusing I don’t really want him to go down like that. On a similar note, someone going into the website and tracking the email address down then posting it would cover Rod, but thats cold, even to a guy like me.
Twilighter233<3, you clearly haven’t spent a lot of time here, if you had then you would see that Rod bashes on every movie that he watches, so your argument that he is specifically targeting Twilight is moot. And I’m sorry….’the acting is amazing’? Forgive me for saying this, but what drugs were you on when you watched it…the first ten times….because as far as I can tell, before I ran out of the theater screaming blood murder and bleeding from my eyes, ears, nose and mouth, it was like being strapped to a chair and having each layer of skin slowly cut off with a really dull knife, while having Ebola Sudan, but without the quick death…or for something that the general population can relate to, watching the movie Catwoman, but I am concerned that you might think that is a good movie too since you liked this one. Hmm ‘im sure u would love to be kristen stewart when she is all over robert pattison’…where to begin…Oh! I know! Hell no! I am a guy, I am not gay, she is not that hot, and heres the nail that you will probably use to kill me, neither is he. Oh and one more thing, its not that we think it was terrible in every way shape and form, its that as Rod stated in the above script, ‘…based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence…’ (at least for me personally I don’t like religious propaganda in my films) and that almost everything about it was awful. The availability of constant mockery was definitely a highlight of the film though.
December 28th, 2008 at 6:58 pmHey guys, i just want all of you too know that this was written by some guy whose totally jealous of how i affect all the girls around me. I’m completely awesome, and i love bella even though she can be annoying and whiny.
December 29th, 2008 at 12:40 amNo offense, but twilighter233♥’s comment was funnier than your script.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:18 amTwilighter gave a fake e-mail address, sorry guys.
December 29th, 2008 at 9:49 amhahahahah i love this website. your script was better than the movie one!
i think we’ve found the chris campbell of twilight, everyone.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:54 pmLEAVE. TWILIGHT. ALONE. -twilighter233♥
Rod, I wish you would piggyback ME up a mountain at vampire speed. But this hilarious parody script will have to do. <3
December 30th, 2008 at 2:19 amDoesn’t surprise me, since it doesn’t look like a real person. “dnt trash sexy vampires”? I’m not convinced. Twilighter looks like a troll to me, just trying to rile people up. In which case TB really fell for it…
BTW, I always knew this whole “Twilight” thing was stupid, but when I read the words “vampire baseball”… WTF? That’s just… wow.
December 30th, 2008 at 7:06 am>chris campbell of twilight
chris crocker cocknibbler
December 30th, 2008 at 6:17 pmOh God, thank-you Rod Hilton, that was hilarious. The film was awful, but at least it was better than the book. That said, I really hope they make a film of “Breaking Dawn”… Robert Patterson tearing a mutant baby out of Bella’s stomach – yeah, try squeeing over that fangirls.
January 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pmI know it’s the holidays and you’re probably enjoying a nice dinner with the fam but…where the fuck is our new script?
On a side note, did anyone see The Spirit? Jesus H. Christ on a hotdog stick it’s abominable. It makes me realize just how much of a hack Samuel L. Jackson is as a human being, never mind actor.
January 1st, 2009 at 8:57 pmthis was clearly an amazing movie
and obviously your little script was funny
but it is NOT ok
check out how much money it made and how many people went to see it more than once
p.s.
January 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 am1) edward is PRETENDING to sleep. you would know that if you read the book
2) kristens acting is supposed to be like that because she is supposed to make bella seem incredibly awkward
[...] The Script - there’s some mature language and subject matter to be found by following that link, so [...]
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:46 amGot dragged along to this last night… not the worst film I’ve seen in the past year (Indy 4, perhaps?), but it was as corny as hell.
Ah well. At least seeing it made me appreciate the script even more. Best part of the script? The final lines. Easily.
January 2nd, 2009 at 4:53 pmI also got dragged to it. The most offensive thing was the use of Radiohead in the end credits.
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 amby the way “They play vampire baseball, which looks exactly as stupid as it sounds to all of the males in the audience.”
it looks and sounds stupid to anyone with brains not just males, its not my fault that all the guys that got dragged to this choose girls with really lame taste for movies, or books or anything…
as hot as the guy playing the “vampire” might be, it doesn´t justify such a #%#$ bad movie and using radiohead (now that sean c mention it) in the end credits
January 3rd, 2009 at 2:50 pmRod – how about a script for The Spirit? PLEEEEAAAASE?
January 5th, 2009 at 6:06 amThis…is the single funniest abridged script I have read on here. And I have poured through your archives. I’m still crying a little. Well done Mr. Hilton, well done.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:26 pmAmazing Script. The Twilight series is the worst (AND I READ ALL OF THEM.) Would like to see you abridge The Spirit, Yes Man, and any of the award films being talked about.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:25 pm@jo: good old argumentum ad populum. You are not going to get very far with that one here.
And Rob, this was one of the best scripts I had read in your site in a while. Sorry you had to endure through that.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:16 pm[...] http://www.the-editing-room.com/twilight.html (If Twilight was 10 times shorter and 100 times more honest) [...]
January 7th, 2009 at 11:56 amI love how rod keeps throwing off harry potter for another time. How long has that been up there? Half a year? You should abridge that soon, no rush, I just always laugh the hardest during those scripts.
January 7th, 2009 at 1:27 pm[...] Rod Hilton’s Twilight: The Abridged Script. Possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. [...]
January 8th, 2009 at 1:07 amOk, this is all i have to say……FUNNY AS HELL!! I am a twilight fan, but not of the movie….movie= gay ass Book = good….BUT this is just my opinion, everyone is entitled to their own, but personally i love this series. I say GJ Stephenie meyer!! not alot of people get their books to be so popular.So yes, it may suck to some people, but it is loved by other, DONT GET ANGRY AT EACHOTHER! everyone has different ideas and stuff, so if you find someone who likes twilight and you dont, just say “I hate that movie, dont talk to me about it” And you should be fine!! ^-^ love you all!! Have a nice life!
January 8th, 2009 at 8:49 pmAbsolute genius. Love it. And they played Muse in the baseball scene so now all twilight fans like muse. God I hate this movie. You nailed it with the main character being a blank screen for everyone to project themselves on to.
January 10th, 2009 at 10:02 amOh dear god they didn’t! They didn’t use “we suck young blood” did they? That’s so trite. I haven’t seen the movie (fortunately) but I heard Radiohead so I’m assuming. That’s like movie soundtracks for the lazy and criminally insane. Great abridgement though. “Try not to get dork all over him” Hehe
January 11th, 2009 at 3:47 amAbsolutely amazing. <3
January 11th, 2009 at 11:25 pmYou know you’ve made a bad book adeptation movie when half of your otherwise submissive, crazed fan base admits the movie is horrible.
Of course judging by the other half’s unrealistically positive reaction, the studio could save a mountain of money on the sequel and just record the whole thing on a camcorder and spend NOTHING on special effects. The little preteen vampire chasers will never know the difference.
Wow. I kind of feel like writing a book series now.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:36 amWtf is with Google? I used to be able to type in The Editing Room and of course this site would come up, but no longer.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pmBabykins:
Yeah, my site keeps getting fucking hacked and filled with hidden viagra spam links. It caused me to get delisted from google.
the site will show up in google again next time they index and discover that stuff is gone, but my pagerank is probably permanently fucked.
Lovely.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:18 pmProbably a Twilight fan or the hacker boyfriend of one?
January 15th, 2009 at 1:04 pmNah it’s just some automatic script that attacks wordpress sites.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:06 pmthis script is just so perfect. idk why everyone i know likes the vampire baseball part i hated it. and Stephenie Meyer must have had a tough childhood xD
January 18th, 2009 at 11:28 amhahaha nice. i HATED this movie!!!
January 20th, 2009 at 8:46 am(He was pretending to sleep for the mum btw)
January 20th, 2009 at 10:45 amLiked the movie, found the book marginally interesting, liked this too.
This movie sucked!! It skipped so many good things and just left pure crap!! The script writer completely screwed everything up, and just assumes that everyone read the book. in the hospital scene, u have to have read the book to know that he is just pretending to sleep for for “Bell’s” mom’s sake!!or father, whichever the producer chose to skrew things up even more.
January 20th, 2009 at 7:05 pmWow, why did I bother seeing the film? This was infinitely more satisfying and to the point. I’m glad the whole vampire/sex metaphor wasn’t entirely lost to all.
January 27th, 2009 at 8:09 pmHave you thought about making this into a YouTube video? With like, actual people doing the voices?
Cause I’m pretty interested in this. It’s extremely intriguing. Not to mention, I love it! :D
January 28th, 2009 at 11:20 pmHey Rod, I wrote the Disturbing Behaviour script quite some years ago now if you may remember. Anyway, glad you are still at it and just as hilarious as ever!
January 30th, 2009 at 5:30 amYeah, Katie, that’s why the line “Script. Six weeks. Remember?” is so hilarious!
And let’s seeee … I can’t figure out which game is worse! Quiddich. Witches on brooms with an astoundingly stupid scoring system. Vampire Baseball. Vampires being vampirish will playing a game around normal physical attributes. Hmmm. Quiddich. Vampire Baseball. Quiddich. Vampire Baseball.
You know? They both look like games invented by adults who have forgotten what it is like to be a child.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:51 amYou’re amazing. Fantastic. This is so DEAD ON. I laughed the whole way through.
…I want to place my favorite bit here.. but there are too many to pick just one. :(
I’m going to show your site to all of my friends. My enemies, too. Simply because you’re supremely excellent. I mean, why not?
P.S. The Dark Knight is also killer. Did I say that you’re amazing? :)
February 4th, 2009 at 3:00 pmi love the twilight books
but this was freaking hilarious
funniest thing i’ve ever read on the internet
your reviews are fantastic
February 11th, 2009 at 12:09 amI know! I love the twilight series, and can probably answer any trivia question you have about it, but this was hilarious! i almost peed my pants!
February 17th, 2009 at 3:44 pmha brillant! some class work rob. i actually ejoyed the film( sad i know for someone my age). i think your version would have been better…….venomous semen!
February 18th, 2009 at 10:47 amfinally, somebody who’s showing twilight for what it really is – a piece of rushed shit.
this was hilariousss (:
February 19th, 2009 at 4:22 amxD nice
February 19th, 2009 at 9:24 amThat totally sucked. You obviously have no life. Go jump off a cliff.
February 19th, 2009 at 2:18 pmLOL
February 19th, 2009 at 7:36 pm“we’ll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula”
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:48 amYeah, I cracked up when I saw this scene, unfortunately (or sadly), I was the only one.
That was so funny… I laughed the whole way through.. The sad thing is however that it is all true, Twilight is really stupid if you think about it!
February 25th, 2009 at 8:34 pm[...] Is Twilight the worst book ever written? *Rant Warning* I don’t want to say it is, because there are a couple of million other books out there, but my god, it has to come close. Badly written with whiny characters, absolutely no plot other than "I love you, you’re pretty" "No, I love you more, you smell nice", some of the creepiest subtexts EVER and entire chapters where nothing whatsoever happens. It was clearly the pathetic fantasies of Stephanie Meyer, who has even admitted that she can’t write for shit. If I hadn’t been reading it for my book group (when did university students start reading bollocks like this?) I would have burned it. (I may yet do so.) It was like rubbing my brain with a cheese grater. This is about the film, not the book, but it made me laugh: Twilight: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room [...]
February 26th, 2009 at 11:25 am[...] What’s the worst book you’ve ever finished? And why did you keep reading? I’d have to go with Twilight. 400 pages of: Girl with no personality moves to small town for no reason. Becomes popular for no reason. Likes a guy for no reason, who vomits at the sight of her. Falls magically in love because she wants to do him. He loves her because he can smell her from out of state. They share lots of HUGE CLOSE UPS but don’t have sex, because premarital sex will result in him killing her. (Yay!) Dear, god, it’s awful. There are entire chapters where nothing whatsoever happens. I only kept reading because my book group insisted everyone read it and because I was determined that it would not defeat me. This is a parody, which is actually better than the original: http://livejournal.com/478415.html And this just made me laugh: Twilight: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 10:04 am[...] Twilight: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 11:04 amYES. This is amazing.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:50 pm[...] This script and something much smaller but you need to click on Twilight to get it to run is what I imagine the movie Twilight is like. [...]
March 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pmHuw dere you diss Twilight! its un amazing mooveee. Yer just jelos becuz u wish u cul be as wooden as edward!!!! Edward is so hawt with his pasty white skin and his inabilaty to act. And this movee and the book is the shizit because it pussifies vampires and totally disregards vampire mythology and has one demensional characters and iz nuthing more than the author living out her fantazy thrugh boring fictional characters. How Dare You make fun of that grrrr.
March 9th, 2009 at 3:44 pmSincerly,
Dumbass Twilight Fan
lol +1
March 15th, 2009 at 12:25 amat least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynistic or depressing.
THEY ARE.
haha that’s awesome
March 15th, 2009 at 2:08 pm“BILLY BURKE
Yeah, so my friend Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here.”
Ha!
March 15th, 2009 at 8:26 pm“‘At least the other three books can’t possibly be more misogynisitc or depressing.’
THEY ARE.”
That line is SO true! If it weren’t for the fact that any sort of laughing sends me into a coughing fit and/or asthma attack, I’d be crying with laughter!
March 21st, 2009 at 1:57 pmerg, this book is so horrible its painful. but this script is pure gold. thank you someone for creating something that extravagantly displays the crappiness of this novel/movie/cult! and yes, its a cult. wouldnt it be interesting is stephenie meyer turned out to be, like, the antichrist or something, and this is all part of satans master plan to turn teenage girls into his brainwashed minions? that would be cool, but then thered be like no girls left at my school and that would be weird. but maybe good… thered be less competition! (just kidding) anyways, im glad i read this, it made me happy. its more proof that im not the only person that hates twilight. im constantly looking for girls that hate it so Im not the only one. I havent been very successful. =D
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:50 pmfunny because it’s true…
March 24th, 2009 at 3:56 pm[...] your life hand and foot. I can’t wait to own it! (Also, see this condensed version of the script for your amusement) (seriously, it’s hilarious)(even if especially if you hate [...]
March 24th, 2009 at 11:23 pmI read the book (unfortunately) and watched the movie.
This was 500x more interesting than them both.
5 Stars for this script!
March 25th, 2009 at 5:39 pmYou. Are. GOD.
March 28th, 2009 at 6:17 pmOh my god! Hilarious!
Now, I actually sort of enjoyed the movie/books, but this is basically right. Especially the uncomfortable close ups. Hey, Kristen, ever done any facial expressions that doesn’t involve standing wide-eyed with your mouth hanging open?
KRISTEN STEWART
Hey, where did you go? Because you are exceedingly mean to me, I find myself attracted to you.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Sounds like textbook daddy issues, you fat cow.
KRISTEN STEWART
(swoon)
ROBERT PATTINSON
You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you.
XD HILARIOUS!
March 30th, 2009 at 4:23 amIT’S BEAUTIFUL.
March 30th, 2009 at 7:06 pm“Specifically, we’ll have to hiss at you like fifth graders pretending to be Dracula, and then kill you.”
OMG pure comedic genius!!!
March 31st, 2009 at 8:43 amSeriously. I watched this movie. Mostly because I wanted to watch it and then compare it to this abridged script.
Awesome.
Not the movie, the script.
Worst vampire movie ever. Well, maybe 2nd to worst.
March 31st, 2009 at 7:05 pmthe movie was quite enjoyable…….with the fact that kristen stewart was giving FUKK faces the entire movie, i got to see adventureland soon!!!!
April 6th, 2009 at 8:08 amOh my, i laughed so hard with this one. Seriously, i don’t see what was the big fuzz about this movie, it can just barely appeal to prepubescent teens, damn, this could even pass as an Olsen twins movie. It has nothing to do with vampires.
For a well done vampire film, watch “Let the Right One In”
April 8th, 2009 at 2:35 pmhahahaha!
April 13th, 2009 at 5:36 pmI loved the books and movies, but this is the sad, unfortunate truth!
OMG!! This was really funny! I loved the books but the movie was okay and this shit was still funny.
April 17th, 2009 at 4:53 pmhaa. Wow.
Can’t wait to read the second one.
so. incredibly. and. awesomely. true. wtf was with that movie?!?!?!?!?!?!
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 amhahahahahahahah that was sooo funny! I loved it and you’re an amazing writer! I have to admit that I did love the movie, but this was so funny! I’m used to people (basically just monika above) making fun of the movie all the time. but I still loved this so much. and the funny part is that it’s all true (:
April 24th, 2009 at 3:42 pmthis was perfect. an honest synopsis of twilight
April 26th, 2009 at 5:49 amI could not stop giggling at this. Well done!
April 27th, 2009 at 2:35 amOh My!! You should make a movie of that and put it on you tube!! That was so freakin funny!!
May 1st, 2009 at 8:11 amHe does. Its very DISATISSFYING.
hehe
May 11th, 2009 at 12:17 amBloody amazing man! I am so using this for my Final Project.
May 11th, 2009 at 7:07 amMake a movie of that? It’s already been made, and now available on DVD…
May 11th, 2009 at 4:42 pmIt’s so spot-on, it’s amazing! I haven’t seen the movie yet (thank god), but I’ve read three of the books (except Breaking Dawn, because that really was a crack!fic, and that’s saying something, considering Twilight as a whole), so I get the jokes. :D I have way too many favorite moments to put in here.
I printed this out and showed it to my friends. And though one of them really liked Twilight at the time (she’s starting to come around to ‘the dark side’ now, haha), they all laughed at it! Great job!
May 17th, 2009 at 2:39 am[...] KRISTEN STEWART Who’s the albino Wolverine? [...]
May 21st, 2009 at 7:50 amAlice, You’re fucking stupid. This is a parody. Do you even know what word “Abridged” means? Ugh, Pay attention woman.
On a side note: This is amazing. It made me LOL so hard. If the movie was like this I’d watch.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:48 pmHoly shit, you gave this piece of crap a whole star!?
June 16th, 2009 at 11:46 amI read all the twilight books… because they are laced addicted pages, and you just want to finish it to see what happens.
For people to say this is written for middle age kids reading level… that is total crap. These stories have no substance whatsoever. They are erotic novels for munchkins. What happened to the kids going through Harry Potter stages? They may have not been Hemmingway but at least they had a plot a protaganist and antagonist worth loving/hating.
This is spot on with the movie…. and i peed my pants. Thank you. :)
June 17th, 2009 at 12:49 pmYou went easy on them! This was easily one of the worst movies I ever had to sit through! If I wasn’t with a group of people, I would have walked out, and I’ll usually sit through almost anything, even if it’s just for a laugh…
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 amDude… this is some funny stuff! I hate Twilight as much as I love ice cream, and I LOOOVE ice cream.
Twilight is not a book for middle schoolers, it is a book for failures with nothing better to do with their lives but to project their personality onto a fantastical Mary Sue-like protagonist.
I mean, ANYTHING is better than Twilight. Before Twilight came out, the girls went through Harry Potter or Inkspell stages and the boys went through Captain Underpants or Eragon or Star Wars stages. Now all the stupid fangirls go through what I like to call the “Twilight Trance,” and all the boys don’t even bother interacting with girls anymore because they’ve all stereotyped us as Cullen-cultists.
Like, I don’t like Inkspell or Captain Underpants, but Harry Potter, Eragon, and Star Wars are all perfect examples of how fiction should be written. Although I found the Mary Sue-ness of Harry Potter nearly unbearable in later books, it was good for the time being.
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:48 pmcan i make an abridged series based on this?
June 24th, 2009 at 2:28 pmI’ve read the first three of the books for this series, and yeah. Your abridged script could probably sum up the entire 4 book series without wasting hours and hours and HOURS of time.
Way to go. :D
June 27th, 2009 at 11:11 am"KRISTEN STEWART
Me? Oh, no. I’m just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever."
That is the entire point of the series. Thank you.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:51 am"Me? Oh, no. I’m just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever."
AND THAT IS WHY TWILIGHT IS POPULAR. I've tried to explain that to my friends, but they don't get it.
Excellent parody. I think it appealed equally to people who hate and people who like Twilight. Except for the *rabid* fans, who are about to tear your head off. Still – Kudos!
July 6th, 2009 at 2:30 pmI read all of the books and loved them. I am a 39 year old Black-American female, and although I found this script funny as hell, I have to disagree about all the comments about the books setting feminist back 50 years. I love a good romance and I hate the modern day notion that all girls/women have to be whores and have sex everwhere every five minutes in a film or in a book. There is something to be said for the protrayal of passionate love that is patient and devoted. Sure the relationship gets very intense pretty quickly, but it is after all FICTION people! If you don't believe that good fiction can be over the top and unrealistic but still enjoyable maybe the word "Halo" will give you some clue as to what I mean…now there is some over the top testosterone laced fiction for you. That bit of gaming legend is like crack for the male sex. So let us girls enjoy our unrealistic romance for Goodness sakes! Not every woman wants to be portrayed as a whore or to watch other women being shown to be a whore. The book is called Twilight and not "Sex [Whores] in the City" after all.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:15 amFair enough. Twilight hasn't set the feminist movement back 50 years. The fact that about half the women in this country consider the other half to be "whores" because they are unreserved about their sexuality, however, THAT definitely has.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:34 pmDumb, dumb, dumb.
July 18th, 2009 at 4:53 amSorry.
Those books were not written for middle school students. Have you even read the last two? There was more sex references in the third one and more SEX in the fourth one than probably some porn sites. I would never recommend these books to anyone under the age of 14 or 15!
July 20th, 2009 at 3:55 amAnd fyi, I AM a teenage girl, I thought the movie was a disgrace to the movie industry, and this script was a completely amazing and accurate portrail of the movie.
Egh.
As a sixteen-year-old who was forced to sit through the movie and read the first book just to see what the hype was about (and be informed when trashing it), I have to disagree with Kate.
Sure, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be portrayed as a whore. I agree. I however also must point out that I don't want to be portrayed as an easily-manipulated, lonely little girl who willingly turns to an overbearing, stalker boyfriend for reasons that begin as "OMGZ ur purdy." (How is this love "patient and devoted"? Or even "love?" On Edward's behalf, it's mostly driven by hunger and lust.) And sadly, because of all the damn girls who have let Twilight overrule their lives and even dump their boyfriends for not being like Edward, I'm afraid to say that I'm a teenage girl.
Thank you, stereotypes generated by horrible fads.
July 27th, 2009 at 6:53 am[...] The Abridged Script http://www.the-editing-room.com/twilight.html __________________ I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 11:18 am[...] Revenge of the Fallen, Twilight, Star Trek, Angels and [...]
August 6th, 2009 at 6:14 pmYA cause they are chicks. No other reason. Girls like sappy movies, guys like girls. Its a big circle
August 18th, 2009 at 8:30 pmThis is awesome.
August 24th, 2009 at 3:01 pmIf and when I have a teenage daughter, I hope she's as smart as you!
August 26th, 2009 at 10:16 pm[...] this page was mentioned by katelyn hernandez (@heyymoon), Zylo (@zylo), Susanne Zoehrer (@thesandworm), Rene (@aheartofstars), Rene (@aheartofstars) and others. [...]
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:45 pm[...] 3. Twilight. (a clever run-down) [...]
September 12th, 2009 at 1:23 amThat movie sounds even stupider than I had originally imagined.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:29 amthe book still blew chunks
September 29th, 2009 at 3:54 amHahhaha. im a total twilight addict but i loved it. im linking it to all my friends to read!
September 30th, 2009 at 1:01 amwow you guys are all completely ignorant and rude.. if you hate the movie so much why are you sitting here reading abridged scripts spending yor life critisizing it? I bet more than half of you are fatter and uglier then stephenie meyer who I happen to think is just a normal person like everyone else who actually went and did something with her life and wrote an awesome story that people all over the world love. Do you think you could do somethi like that? Didn't think so. And Robert Pattinson is beautiful. The END
October 8th, 2009 at 5:10 pmAs a female, I don't consider Twilight to be a wish-fulfillment film with a "guy reward" at all.
Bella doesn't save the world or get famous or really do anything but happen to be the human girl that the super-hot vampire becomes obsessed with. Not because of who she is inside, but because she smells good. And then she becomes the damsel in distress for the rest of the movie, stalked by her potentially lethal love interest (against whom her only defense is /his/ self-control), and literally picked up and carried from plot point to plot point. If she gets rich, it's only because she eventually marries into money. She doesn't get anything cool–no robot car, no super powers until she dies and loses everything else. She just gets…a man.
Show me a Twilight where Bella stands up for herself, becomes an incontrovertible badass, and fights side-by-side with her love interest, staking a few of the vampires that are after her and maybe even saving Edward's life (oh, and throw in some cute shirtless boys for good measure…and maybe a robot car) and I'll show you my idea of the female equivalent of a stupid, pandering movie.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:47 amStephen King is a normal person who went out and did something with his life.People all around the world, myself included, love his books. He isn't too fond of Stephanie Meyer, either, claiming she "can't write worth a darn."
http://omg.yahoo.com/news/stephen-king-on-twiligh...
My point is, just because someone does not like Twilight, Stephanie Meyer, or idiots who praise her name such as yourself, it does not mean that they cannot be successful doing the same thing she does. You sound idiotic when you claim everyone is jealous, or when you must resort to "fat and ugly" insults. Be careful.
And yes, actually, I do believe I may possess the talent to write a good book. I have yet to find the desire to do so seriously, I admit, but I think I could pull something off. I'm sure several of us here could. Judging by your inability to write a complete sentence, let alone a compelling argument in Twilight's defense, I doubt you could write a bestseller.
You sound a bit "ignorant and rude" yourself.
October 24th, 2009 at 9:10 pmYou’re no writer! Are you crazy??!!! I mean, come on yea I know Twilight can be stupid but shut up already and stop being so graphic, disgusting, and filthy- mouthed!!!!! PICK UP A BIBLE AND TRY TO LEARN KJV PLEASE
October 25th, 2009 at 6:33 pmPick up an English book and try to learn grammar and basic sentence structure, please.
Oh wait.
PICK UP AN ENGLISH BOOK AND TRY TO LEARN GRAMMAR AND BASIC SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PLEASE!!!11!eleventyone1!
Didja get that? I wasn't sure you would the first time 'cause, y'know, I didn't abuse the right to exclamation points, question marks, and capital letters.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:04 amI'm a 23 year old girl, & I absolutely HATED Twilight. Hated the books, hated the movie, & will probably hate the next 3 movies in this franchise too.
Stephenie Meyer can't write to save her life, & Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson are sad actors, having NO chemistry. & they are such stiff actors. Dialogue is awfully cheesy as well (can't blame the scriptwriter, since the books are the same).
I LOVE this script! Completely spot-on with all the issues I have with it, & sarcastic & witty to a fault! :D Well done.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:26 amtl:dr
November 14th, 2009 at 3:24 amTeenage girl: 1
Adult person (Nicole) who needs some exposure to the real world : 0
Favorite line of the script:
"KRISTEN STEWART
Me? Oh, no. I’m just a hollow placeholder for all of the teenage girls in the audience to project their personalities onto. I have none of my own whatsoever."
Amazing. Except I'd change the line to "insecure women and girls"
I'm a woman, not a rug-munching feminist, but one that can spot a terrible movie from a mile away. Twilight = worst.
November 20th, 2009 at 3:41 pmNo, but they don't have to be vapid, passionless, author-wish-fulfillment reader sub-ins either. Bella lacks personality and a backbone and the other characters are flat, stereotypical and boring. It's literally depressing to know that garbage like this not only gets published, but has legions of scary fans and movies and merchandise. SMeyer's story is every fanfiction writer's wet dream.
November 21st, 2009 at 3:16 amThis script makes me laugh every time. Excellent job, Rod.
Lazy people don't read the books Nicole? It is more like clever people don't read the books. They blow extreme chunks.
November 21st, 2009 at 6:12 amSomebody needs to learn what the word parody means.
November 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 amActually, Stephenie Meyer argues that she did not write the books for a teenage audience, she wrote them for women her age (read twenties-thirties). The publishers showed they do in fact have at least one brain cell between them that sparks and marketed it for teenage girls knowing that women in their twenties and thirties who actually read books would never swallow that sh*t.
November 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 amEh, there are tons of female wish-fulfillment fantasy movies ("romantic comedies", dur) and most of them aren't half as bad as this trash.
This series is all about a girl submitting to some whiny douche, shouldn't women be aghast?
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:48 pmNicely done. I'm pretty anti-Twilight (homosexual vampires aren't my bag), and this script was genius. Nicely done indeed.
November 26th, 2009 at 4:07 amAbout the "4-5 brain-dead wish-fulfillment" movies that men get… they suck. They really do. Fortunately for us, they're usually quite well-written, so they become barely passable when we're a bit pissed. Or bored. Anything's better than boredom. Except possibly Twilight or syphilis.
November 28th, 2009 at 6:02 pmAs for Transformers… there's a lot of explosions and it's got Megan Fox in it. Its appeal is not in its riveting plot or character development.
The wishes being fullfilled in each of these two examples are different. First, Transformers: I vaguely remember somebody in the movie named Wikiwiki or something and he got the Cube towards the end, but my eyes were fixed elsewhere: Megan Fox and the unique way Michael Bay portrayed her acting skills (a.k.a. ass) and a bunch of robots killing each other and blowing some shit up. Actually the last part is the reason why I watch any Michael Bay movie. As for other wish-fulfilment movies, if they don't have good-looking booty and/or explosions (sexplosions?) i don't want to hear about them., they fulfill none of my wishes. Coming right on to Twilight: if girls and women told me they watch the movie to see the protagonist's well shaped and oiled abs, it wouldn't bother me. In fact I would pay no mind to it, good for them. What bothers me is glorifying mediocrity; trying to pass off a clearly literary fart rendered to an unintended comedic film as heart-moving and emotional, which almost every female I know does, and I'm not speaking about 14 year old girls either.
November 30th, 2009 at 4:03 amThe big difference is guys don't become completely crazy and obsessed with movies which pander for them. We like them, sure, but for the most part we realise just how stupid these movies are.
Compare them with the response that most females have to Twilight. The movie just doesn't deserve ANYWHERE near the amount of money and respect it seems to get.
For this reason, I give Twilight fans the same respect I give Star Wars Nerds.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:08 pmI wonder if Rod was aware that Kristen Stewart would be playing a stripper when he wrote that.
December 8th, 2009 at 4:39 amI'm not gonna lie, I fully tried reading the book. I am an avid reader, and can tolerate nearly any book. Not Twilight. I was able to stomach no more than 50 pages before I realized that there was no plot, character development, or point to it. The movies themselves would be awful if it weren't for obnoxiously handsome dudes casted to appeal to pre-teen girls.
December 8th, 2009 at 5:28 pmHey, hey, have you forgotten Disney's Mulan? ;D
(I don't mean anything bad by this, that is my favouritest movie ever.)
December 10th, 2009 at 7:41 amThe vampire family members switch careers, schools, colleges every 3 years or so to avoid being exposed of their immortality. It's all explained in the books, which you shouldn't bother reading (:
December 27th, 2009 at 2:53 pmRod, your article almost makes the pain I endured (reading and watching this series) worthwhile.
My favourite quotes from this abridged script have already been mentioned, so I'll pick one that hasn't been yet:
"PETER FACINELLI
The family that slays together, stays together."
Thank you so much.
YOU DA BEST.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:16 pmI personally found Bella's father to be the ONLY likable character.
December 31st, 2009 at 6:57 pmUmm, have you not heard of something called "Star Trek"? Not to mention Star Wars, every single Video Game that doesn't feature a heavy coating of pink or horses… We guys can be just as obsessive as anyone.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:51 pmi dont no wat you guys say ~n~ i dont care. Rob iz sexi. fyi ~n~ he loves Kristen. this script sucked but there are other scripts that rock. just read em. peace out
February 4th, 2010 at 1:03 am