Sandra always struggled with the "parallel parking" section of the driver's exam.


Sandra always struggled with the "parallel parking" section of the driver's exam.

LAST NIGHT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. TORONTO STREET -- 6:00 PM

SANDRA OH drives down oddly deserted streets to a GROCERY STORE and heads inside.

SANDRA OH

Ah, just enough time to grab supplies for my last meal ever on Earth.

(turns to camera)

(smiles)

Oh hello, I didn't see you there. Yes, the world is ending due to some vaguely Sun-related apocalypse. We've known about it for months, which explains why I waited until the last minute to get these supplies from the almost completely raided stores. And the whole world will die at exactly midnight Toronto time, because we're the centre of the universe.

SANDRA goes into the STORE and thoughtfully picks items from the meagre scattered fragments of the inventory, putting back an extra bottle of wine in case MORE SHOPPERS arrive during the last six hours of all human existence.

Outside, however, some random goobers FLIP OVER her car and then prop it against another STOREFRONT! These horrible people are clearly from MONTREAL.

RADIO DJ

(through car speakers)

And we're back, counting down the top 500 songs of all tiiiiime, staying with you right till the end!

(pause)

Okay you know I recorded this weeks ago and I've fucked off to do my own thing, right? Anyway here's Rush with "Tom Sawyer", oh yeah!

INT. A TORONTO HOUSE

DON MCKELLAR arrives at his parents' house where they are hosting CHRISTMAS DINNER even though it is not CHRISTMAS. This gives you an idea of the utter ANARCHY and CHAOS that has descended upon the city.

DON'S MOM

Hello dear, look what Santa brought you LAST NIGHT! It's a box of your old childhood gifts so you can spend your final hours regressing into an infantile state, isn't that wonderful?

DON MCKELLAR

I told you, I'm going out on my own terms, alone by myself in my crappy apartment, drinking wine and listening to Pete Seeger. Y'know, like a fucking badass.

DON'S MOM

Hmph. Well. Anyway here's some turkey, and perhaps you'd like an extra side of MOM GUILT with that? Oh and try this cranberry sauce that I spiced up by SLITTING MY FUCKING WRISTS AND BLEEDING INTO IT, WELL WHY SHOULDN'T I, NOT LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR POOR POOR MOTHER, OH DID I FORGET BREAD ROLLS WELL I'LL JUST RIP OUT MY FUCKING SPLEEN AND SERVE IT WITH FUCKING BUTTER HOW ABOUT THAT

(sobs)

SARAH POLLEY

Nice going brother. Yes it's me, Sarah Polley, helping to make this film even more ultra-Canadian by bringing my formidable talents to bear! Here we goooo!

(has nothing to do really)

Huh.

(eats mashed potatoes)

DON MCKELLAR

Well this has been fun but it's time for me to go mope and die alone miserably now. But please don't worry, a lifetime of cheering for the Maple Leafs has prepared me for this.

INT. GAS COMPANY OFFICES

Acclaimed director Actor DAVID CRONENBERG, playing SANDRA OH'S husband, is methodically calling all the gas company's customers, one-by-one, to let them know the gas will stay on.

DAVID CRONENBERG

This sure seems like another task that could have been done a WEE bit earlier than the last minute. Especially as it means Sandra had to go shopping alone, risking us getting separated only hours away from the end of the world. Who knows, maybe our lack of planning skills brought us together.

TRACY WRIGHT

You almost done, boss? I know you gotta get home, and I have some heavy-drinking-while-monitoring-municipal-infrastructure to be doing. This bottle of whiskey isn't going to supervise the complete natural-gas delivery pipeline itself, I'm just saying.

INT. AN APARTMENT ON ERSKINE AVENUE, TORONTO -- 7:00 PM

Because this is a work of Canadian visual media in the 1990s, CALLUM KEITH RENNIE appears! He welcomes KAREN GLAVE to his quintessentially crummy 1990s Toronto apartment.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Hello. Thanks for responding to my website, where I'm asking as many people as possible to have all the sex with me. Who knew the Internet could be used for such a purpose, huh?

KAREN GLAVE

The site says you've been at this for months now. But I hope this isn't only for YOUR gratification...

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Hey, you can't spell Callum without "all cum", amirite?

(grins)

KAREN GLAVE

Dear God what have I signed up for. Well fuck it, only five hours left, no time to shop around.

CALLUM puts on his ONE AND ONLY SEXYTIMES SONG and they engage in the SEXYTIMES.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Oh yeah, hearing the same song over and over for months on end, that's sooooo hot

EXT. THE STREETS OF TORONTO

SANDRA, having lost use of her automobile, boards the nearest STREETCAR. She approaches another passenger, who just happens to be ARSINEE KHANJIAN, acclaimed actress and also married to ATOM EGOYAN, we're pulling out all the Can-Con stops here!!

SANDRA OH

Uh, excuse me, do you know where the driver is?

ARSINEE KHANJIAN

(dramatically)

There is... NO DRIVER!!

SANDRA OH

NO DRIVER?!? THE TTC IS DOWN?!??!! DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE WE BECOME, TRULY OUR DESCENT INTO BARBARISM IS COMPLETE

SANDRA flees screaming into a nightmare world where our transit system has become less than 100% reliable.

INT. DON MCKELLAR'S APARTMENT -- 8:00 PM

DON arrives home to find SANDRA sitting on his doorstep.

SANDRA OH

Oh thank God! Do you have a phone I can use?

(to camera)

And yes, future audience, we DID have cell phones back in 1998. Clunky-ass ones, but still. You see, all the cell reception is down. I must reach my husband, David Cronenberg!

DON MCKELLAR

Wait, are we in a low-budget Cronenberg movie?!? Shit that means one of us is infected with crazed sex aliens or a crazed sex virus or... oh wait, I'm writing/directing this, he's just acting. Phew! Come on inside.

They head inside and SANDRA tries to call DAVE with no success.

SANDRA OH

Dammit! Why did I choose a grocery store so far away from both our home and his workplace! Now we're fucked! We really do suck at planning so hard!!!

(notices something)

Hey is that a Pete Seeger album?

DON MCKELLAR

Yeah it's one of my childhood presents. I love Pete Seeger, he's awesome.

SANDRA OH

Damn skippy! Pete Seeger is the fucking shit, yo.

DON MCKELLAR

Indeed he is. And this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to own ALL of Pete Seeger's classic hits in one attractive 20-CD set. Just call the number on your screen now and for only THREE easy payments

INT. CALLUM'S APARTMENT -- 9:00 PM

CALLUM greets his next appointment who is GENEVIEVE BUJOLD, his former FRENCH TEACHER.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Hi there. Thanks for agreeing to help me brush up on my conjugal, I mean conjugated verbs, ha ha. No wait, I mean conjugal.

GENEVIEVE BUJOLD

What the fuck IS it with these horrible jokes, dude? Now let's get busy, I got lists of my own to get through.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Such as?

GENEVIEVE BUJOLD

Well, I have an Obsession with the Incorrigible Swashbuckler Isabelle, we're gonna bring some Rough Justice to some Dead Ringers who put Monsignor in a Coma. And, then we'll, er, Journey with The Trojan Women to An Ambush of Ghosts who were Murder(ed) By Decree, I guess? I think that's how these previous-film reference jokes work.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

I'll just start the music. Oh, What a Night!

EXT. LET'S SAY COLLEGE STREET SOMEWHERE

DON and SANDRA are looking for a car to steal.

DON MCKELLAR

I hate how shiny cars are. Why does nobody do a matte finish?

(to camera)

OH YEAH, WE'RE ALL PREDICTING THE FUTURE UP IN HERE, SCI-FI CLAIRVOYANCE STRIKES AGAIN

SANDRA OH

What are the odds we can find a car with the keys helpfully left in it, anyway? I gotta think it's close to zero.

DON MCKELLAR

Ah, but that doesn't matter to someone who can HOTWIRE a car! Which isn't me, I don't know how to do that.

RECITAL GUY

(driving up)

Hi Don! I'm doing my piano recital of original avant-garde compositions just before midnight, hope you can make it?

DON MCKELLAR

Sorry, I already have plans to pour boiling hot wax over my crotch, no can do. Can Sandra use your car though?

RECITAL GUY

Hm let me think, should one of my final acts be to help a stranger in need, or instead put up more flyers for my recital all about me, in the hopes that a few extra people will make their last night alive all about me, hmmmm

(drives off)

DON MCKELLAR

Fuck. Well my buddy Callum has three cars, let's try his place!

SANDRA OH

We're on a streetcar route, and we know Callum's on Erskine Avenue, which means at least an hour's walk in these heels, so sure!

INT. CALLUM'S HUMPORIUM

DON and SANDRA arrive just as CALLUM and GENEVIEVE have finished up and are saying goodbyes.

DON MCKELLAR

Hi Callum, could you please give Sandra one of your three cars? I know you just met her, but in her defence, I also just met her.

SANDRA OH

It's super important though! My husband and I have a romantic plan to shoot each other in the head, just before midnight, with these two guns I'm carrying around.

DON MCKELLAR

You have two guns and you just let Recital Guy drive away with his car you desperately need? Damn we really are polite.

GENEVIEVE BUJOLD

Hello Don, I remember you from school also. Let me quiz you on your French having just banged your close friend, thus creating possibly the most awkward scene in the entire history of film.

DON MCKELLAR

Oh merde.

CALLUM gives SANDRA a CAR and she drives off.

INT. CALLUM'S DEBAUCHELOR PAD -- 10:00 PM

CALLUM gives DON the grand tour.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

I want you to appreciate how much work I've put into this. I systematically listed all the sexual experiences I wanted to have before dying, organized them into groups, built a website...

DON MCKELLAR

That does sound impressively methodical, yes.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

...and then scrawled the entire list in crazy homicidal stalker fashion all over my kitchen! Check it out, there's marker, collage, paint, it's a psychotherapist's wet dream in here. Which is also on my list by the way.

Outside, a MARATHON RUNNER jogs past a collection of buildings on ERSKINE AVENUE, and if you freeze-frame at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT and squint REAL HARD, you might just barely be able to see Alex W. and Barbara in their 1998 crummy apartment, closing the blinds to avoid the glare from this film's lighting equipment, directly across from them! Hi there, readers!

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Anyway Don, if you examine the list carefully you might notice that there's some guy-on-guy stuff, soooo.....

(raises eyebrows)

DON MCKELLAR

So you want me to go find a guy to do stuff with you?

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

Or, since you're right here, we could....

(raises eyebrows more)

DON MCKELLAR

Brainstorm places for you to go find guys?

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

No, I was thinking me and you, here and now, might engage in...

(raises eyebrows all the way to top of head)

DON MCKELLAR

A campaign to convince Paul Gross to bone you? I dunno man, I love your show but he seems pretty uptight.

CALLUM KEITH RENNIE

(sighs)

Never mind. Just gimme a smooch and I'll see you never again.

DON MCKELLAR

Cool.

EXT. STREETS OF TORONTO

Despite most of the city being deserted, SANDRA manages to drive her way into the middle of a MOB OF ROWDY REVELERS that ATTACK HER CAR!!

SANDRA OH

Fucking hell, who invited the Vancouver crowd?!

SANDRA flees as the mob swarms the STREETCAR with ARSINEE KHANJIAN in it, TIPPING IT OVER!!!!

ARSINEE KHANJIAN

(pounding the street with her fists)

OH GOD, YOU DID IT, DIDN'T YOU! YOU TIPPED IT OVER!! YOU MANIACS!!!! OH, GODDAMN YOU.... GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLLL

INT. DAVID CRONENBERG'S HOUSE

DAVID CRONENBERG sits quietly eating SANDRA'S FAVOURITE ICE CREAM which seems to indicate he's more or less decided BYE FELICIA on that score. Suddenly he hears SHOUTING and COMMOTION outside!

DAVID CRONENBERG

Oh, perhaps that angry mob noise is Sandra! I should check.

However, outside he finds only an ANGRY TEENAGER with a SHOTGUN.

DAVID CRONENBERG

I'm not afraid. You're afraid.

(walking into shadow)

You're the one who's afraid. Not me.

(puts on Dracula cape)

The fear is all yours.

(eats human brains)

I'm not scared. You are.

(emerges from Mummy's tomb)

Only one scared person here and it ain't me.

ANGRY TEENAGER

(shoots David in the face)

DAVID CRONENBERG

(brains splattered on wall)

A scared person says what

INT. VARIOUS TORONTO LOCATIONS -- 11:00 PM

As time grows ever shorter we check in on our various characters. GENEVIEVE BUJOLD winds up at RECITAL GUY'S recital, which has people working as USHERS, way to really max out your last night alive dudes.

Meanwhile TRACY WRIGHT has found CALLUM'S website and they start to FUCK, but then it seems like maybe CALLUM won't manage to FUCK, but then he does manage to FUCK. Hurray!

Also SARAH POLLEY attends a downtown street party, so she's still in the movie too.

MARATHON RUNNER

Hey who wants to hear my impression of the animated mascot of Just For Laughs?

(loudly)

MOMMMYYY!!! IT'S OOVVEEEERRRR!!!!!!!

INT. DON MCKELLAR'S PLACE

DON is setting up his super depressing death tableau on the ROOF when SANDRA arrives!

SANDRA OH

Looks like I'm not making it home. So instead, let's you and me fall in love real quick, okay? Say something to make me love you.

DON MCKELLAR

That sounds like a lot of ground to cover in these final minutes. Let's see... my wife died tragically?

SANDRA OH

Oh that's good. Keep going.

DON MCKELLAR

... and I'm out of ideas. Oh, I could put on the Pete Seeger record I guess.

SANDRA OH

Pete Seeger!! Perfect, now we are deeply in love, enough to murder each other.

DON puts on the song GUANTANAMERA and he and SANDRA sit facing each other holding GUNS to each other's heads.

DON MCKELLAR

I hope this image isn't used too heavily in the promotional materials, it's a bit of a spoiler.

Overhead the SUN gets BRIGHTER and BRIGHTER as the final seconds tick away.

SANDRA OH

We have to wait until the very last second.

DON MCKELLAR

I don't know if I can do this...

SANDRA OH

...me neither...

DON MCKELLAR

(tearing up)

...oh dammit let's not end with violence, but... with love?

(drops gun)

SANDRA OH

(weeping)

...yes, with love!

(drops gun)

HEY HOSER I GOT YOU A CASE OF SLEEMAN'S AND MAPLE DONUTS EH

DON MCKELLAR

BEAUTY EH PLEASE ACCEPT THESE RUSH BACKSTAGE PASSES AND ROOTS GIFT CARDS EH

SANDRA OH

NICE ONE EH LET'S GO GRAB A SLICE AT

END

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