The Dark Knight: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 26th, 2008 |
397 Comments
| Movie: 
"If you keep watching every leaked clip, you'll ruin the movie for yourself, Mr. Wayne."
FADE IN:
INT. BANK – GHICAGO
A GANG of CLOWNS breaks into a bank. The AUDIENCE impatiently tolerates the scene, despite having already watched it in front of I Am Legend as well as thirty times when it leaked ONLINE.
RANDOM CLOWN #1
Robbing this bank was a great idea. Anyone know why they call the guy that planned it ‘The Joker’?
RANDOM CLOWN #2
I hear he wears clown makeup to scare people.
RANDOM CLOWN #1
What? How does that answer the question at all? I asked why they call him ‘The Joker’, not why they call him ‘The Clown’. Nuts to this, has the real movie started yet?
The CLOWNS gather up a bunch of money and secretly kill each other one by one. One of the clowns pulls a gun on the OBVIOUSLY HEATH LEDGER CLOWN.
RANDOM CLOWN #3
I’m betting the Joker told you to kill me, so rather than kill you with your back turned I’m going to tell you how clever I am for figuring that out.
HEATH LEDGER CLOWN
No, I kill the bus driver.
RANDOM CLOWN #3
Bus driver? As in a person who drives a bus? That’s extremely confusing to me, for you see I am not aware of any bus thus far in the heist. How strange of you to mention a vehicle that I have yet to be aware of in any capacity. Let me just take a few steps to the left while I stand and ponder what you could possibly mean by that.
He gets run over by a BUS that drives into the bank.
BUS DRIVER CLOWN
Somehow, the bus survived crashing into the side of a building without a scratch, so let’s load it up with money! Hey, where are all of the other gang members?
HEATH LEDGER CLOWN
They had to go. Something about attending a dark carnival. Oh, and also, you’re dead.
HEATH kills the BUS DRIVER, puts a smoke grenade in WILLIAM FICHTNER’S mouth for no reason, then drives out of the building into a conveniently placed gap in a line of SCHOOLBUSES.
INT. PARKING GARAGE
A bunch of DRUG DEALERS confront CILLIAN MURPHY.
DRUG DEALER
Hey, your LSD made my clients shit themselves and jump out of buildings.
CILLIAN MURPHY
Honestly, why were you buying drugs from a guy with a potato sack on his head?
Suddenly a bunch of FAKE BATMEN break up the drug deal but eventually CHRISTIAN BALE WEARING BLACK RUBBER shows up and arrests everyone.
FAKE BATMAN
Jesus, I’m just trying to help, do you really need to punch me in the face with metal, spiked gloves? What’s the difference between you and me?
BAT-BALE
Depends, are you on good terms with your sister?
INT. KITCHEN
Various MOBS all meet in a single room to facilitate the plot. Suddenly, HEATH LEDGER enters.
HEATH LEDGER
So it seems you guys all have a problem with Batman. Did you guys ever consider killing him?
ERIC ROBERTS
Holy shit, are we allowed to do that? We thought about having a mobster vs. crimefighter softball game, but that’s way easier! Why the hell didn’t we think of that?
HEATH LEDGER
Damn, being a criminal mastermind is cake when the other criminals have brains the size of Mary-Kate Olsen’s lunch. Now, I need to take over one of your gangs. First, let me tell you a story about when my asshole dad said things like “why so serious?” and “let’s put a smile on that face!”
ERIC ROBERTS
So all of your best lines from the trailer were from you quoting your douchebag father? That’s almost as disappointing as the way the last scene brought back Cillian Murphy just to get rid of him in 2 minutes.
EXT. POLICE STATION ROOFTOP
GARY OLDMAN and AARON ECKHART wait on the rooftop for CHRISTIAN BALE IN A BLACK RUBBER SUIT.
BAT-BALE
Grrgrll farggle raar!
GARY OLDMAN
Nice to see you too. This is Aaron Eckhart, he’s the new District Attorney and eventual tragic character.
AARON ECKHART
Here’s the deal. The mobsters all gave their money to Chin Han, who has gone off to Hong Kong. We need you to go get him and bring him here so I can cut off the mob’s money supply.
BAT-BALE
Frmmrrphhl garg. Rarrawrl.
AARON ECKHART
Did you take voice coaching lessons from Jack Bauer or something? Don’t you feel like an idiot growling all of your lines? You sound like you’re gargling Michael Keaton’s balls.
CHRISTIAN BALE goes to see MORGAN FREEMAN.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Morgan, I need to fly to Hong Kong, kidnap Chin Han, then fly out. Can you help me using technology and caustic banter? Also I want a new suit that lets me turn my head.
MORGAN FREEMAN
A whole new suit? You spent the entire last movie building the first one, and you want a totally redesigned new one after one line of dialogue?
CHRISTIAN BALE
Yes.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Your new suit is ready, have fun.
MICHAEL CAINE
I’ve thought of an excellent alibi for when you’re in Hong Kong, Mr. Bale.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Does it involve me taking an entire ballet troupe to a yacht from which I will mysteriously disappear, arousing a great deal of suspicion?
MICHAEL CAINE
Sure does!
CHRISTIAN BALE flies to HONG KONG and abducts CHIN HAN, then brings him back to CHICAGO. CHIN sells out the MOBSTERS, who then go to TRIAL. The JUDGE for the trial gets into her car, which suddenly explodes! And the COMMISSIONER is poisoned! And ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL manages to find work!
INT. CHRISTIAN BALE’S PENTHOUSE
CHRISTIAN BALE throws a party for AARON ECKHART, which HEATH LEDGER crashes.
HEATH LEDGER
Good evening, we’re tonight’s entertainment! We also do birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs. Here’s my card.
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
This is a ‘Wild Draw Four’ Uno card.
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah, I kinda had to use up all of the regular decks of cards in the city to stuff the judge’s car full of jokers. Took fucking hours.
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
Well if you’re here for Aaron Eckhart, we had ‘Old Chicago’ for dinner so he’s in the bathroom shitting lava.
HEATH LEDGER
I can wait. Want to hear a story? Once upon a time, I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Er, no, I mean in complete contrast to you. You’re actually kind of a butterface. But at least you’re not Katie Holmes, I like that.
BAT-BALE
Then you’re gonna love me!
HEATH LEDGER
How the hell did a guy in a giant bat costume sneak up right next to me without anyone noticing?
HEATH and CHRISTIAN fight, and somehow HEATH is able to hold his own against a guy with NINJA TRAINING. HEATH throws MAGGIE out of a window.
CHRISTIAN grabs her in midair, allowing MAGGIE to avoid landing on the PAVEMENT by landing safely on a CAR instead.
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
Thanks for catching me, but how are we going to resolve the issue of Heath still terrorizing your party guests upstairs?
BAT-BALE
Maybe if we awkwardly cut to the next scene, nobody will notice that we accidentally lost some pages of the screenplay.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHICAGO STREETS
The police are holding a funeral for the DEAD COMMISSIONER in the most logical location: directly in the middle of 4 abandoned high-rise buildings with lots of windows. The MAYOR gives a eulogy while wearing a DISTRACTING AMOUNT OF EYELINER.
CHRISTIAN BALE uses MAGIC to pull fingerprints off a nonexistent bullet and winds up getting to the FUNERAL just in time to see HEATH LEDGER attempt to shoot the unprotected MAYOR, miss, and somehow hit GARY OLDMAN instead.
AARON ECKHART
(oh phone)
Maggie, Gary Oldman has just been shot.
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
I’m sure he’s fine, he’s not even commissioner yet. We’re not supposed to actually be worried that he might be dead, are we?
AARON ECKHART
Nonetheless, I’m concerned for your safety. Who can we trust?
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
I can go to Christian Bale’s penthouse. It’s the safest place in Chicago right now.
AARON ECKHART
The place where I almost got killed by Heath Ledger and you got thrown out of a window? Maybe you should hide on some subway tracks instead.
HEATH LEDGER
(on television)
Starting today, I’m going to kill innocent people until Batman reveals his secret identity. This plan is sure to work, since Americans are generally so willing to negotiate with terrorists.
CHRISTIAN BALE
I’ll never give into this terrorist’s demands!
(pause)
Nevermind, I quit. Play the sad music while I throw everything in the garbage, Michael. I am Batman no more.
MICHAEL CAINE
Subtle. Did you want to go kiss Kirsten Dunst upside-down in the rain, too?
AARON ECKHART holds a plot-explaining press conference, a scene that is quickly becoming a staple of the “Comic Book Movie About A Millionaire Playboy That Uses Technology To Build A Suit That Enables Him To Fight Evildoers” genre.
AARON ECKHART
Batman has offered to turn himself in. Are you people sure you want him to do this? If we go through with it, he might be replaced with Robin in the sequel.
RANDOM COP
Do it! Things are worse than evurrrrrrrr!
AARON ECKHART
Fine. I’m Batman, arrest me.
RANDOM COP
What? No, Batman has to be someone super-wealthy like, I dunno, Christian Bale for example. Don’t be stupid.
The POLICE arrest AARON and drive him to JAIL, but HEATH LEDGER shows up to FUCK SHIT UP. CHRISTIAN BALE’S car gets damaged, forcing him to resort to his unstable-looking BALE-POD, sold separately.
The SWAT van transporting AARON turns down a random road, which happens to be the exact road HEATH predicted, and therefore has a trap waiting.
AARON ECKHART
God damn, Heath is pretty smart for a guy that dresses like he’s going to a midnight viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
CHRISTIAN BALE IN A RUBBER SUIT flips HEATH’S TRUCK using his BAT-PHYSICS-VIOLATOR, then rides up a wall in order to turn around like a BADASS. FANBOYS in the AUDIENCE cheer wildly for this, even though it looks RETARDED.
HEATH LEDGER
So it’s finally here. Me at one end of a Chicago street, you at the other. The epic battle between good and evil, teased in every advertisement for the movie! This is going to be awesome.
CHRISTIAN BALE crashes his bike like a PUTZ. HEATH laughs, then gets arrested by GARY OLDMAN, who is alive after all. Then the scene ends.
GARY OLDMAN
You see, this was all an elaborate plan to capture you! Including all the parts where a bunch of cops got killed!
HEATH LEDGER
That’s nothing, because MY plan included everything in your plan, but also some other stuff that gives me the upper hand after all! Eckhart and Gyllenhaal have been placed at opposite ends of the city with bombs strapped to them. You’ll only have time to save one.
BAT-BALE
That’s alright, the police will just save the other one.
HEATH LEDGER
Actually the police here are so incredibly inept that I am able to take their failure for granted in my grand scheme. Not that I look like the kind of guy that makes plans or anything.
GARY OLDMAN
We may be inept, but at least we don’t steal our dastardly plots from “Superman: The Movie.” Get your nose out of Gene Hackman’s ass.
CHRISTIAN tries to rescue MAGGIE but actually winds up saving AARON instead. ALL of MAGGIE blows up, HALF of AARON blows up, and ONE FOURTH of the AUDIENCE’S BLADDERS blow up.
Meanwhile, HEATH LEDGER escapes police custody using brabble frabble gloob glop.
INT. HOSPITAL
GARY OLDMAN visits AARON ECKHART, whose face has been half burnt off.
GARY OLDMAN
Holy fucking shit!
AARON ECKHART
Are you alarmed by my hideous scarring?
GARY OLDMAN
No, I just can’t believe how over-the-top Christopher Nolan went with the special effects on your face. I thought these movies were supposed to be realistic. Look at you, your fucking eyeball is hanging out. You look like the Toxic Avenger.
GARY leaves and HEATH LEDGER enters.
AARON ECKHART
You asshole, why did you kill my girlfriend?
HEATH LEDGER
I’m an agent of chaos. I just do things.
AARON ECKHART
Wow, that’s some sophisticated characterization there. As soon as I get out of these surprisingly strong bandages, I’m going to kill you!
HEATH LEDGER
Look, you don’t want to kill me for murdering her. You want to kill everyone else for failing to stop me from murdering her!
AARON ECKHART
That doesn’t make any sense at all.
HEATH LEDGER
And yet, it’s going to be your main character motivation for the rest of the movie. Now make with the murder, Sir Skins-A-Lot.
INT. CHRISTIAN BALE’S LAIR
MORGAN FREEMAN enters CHRISTIAN’S LAIR and finds an array of tiny LCDs monitoring the entire city using SONAR.
MORGAN FREEMAN
What the hell? How did you rig this thing up without me? You needed me to staple bat ears to a black mask.
BAT-BALE
I somehow installed your sonar technology in every phone in the city, and apparently everyone has bought a new phone in the past week. I need you to use this thing to find Heath Ledger.
MORGAN FREEMAN
This is totally unethical and I won’t stand for it.
BAT-BALE
What? This was YOUR plan. You didn’t give a shit when we were spying on Chinese guys but now you’re all pissy? What’s the difference between that and this?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Plausibility, mostly.
BAT-BALE
Well, this scene is getting dangerously close to actually having something to say, so we’d better hurry and get to a pointless action sequence.
CHRISTIAN and MORGAN figure out that HEATH is hiding out in a random building overlooking the harbor, where he has rigged two FERRIES with EXPLOSIVES.
MORGAN FREEMAN (O.S.)
(into Christian’s earpiece)
Alright, it looks like there are a bunch of hostages dressed as clowns and a bunch of kidnappers dressed as hostages. You should tell the SWAT guys so they don’t shoot the wrong people.
BAT-BALE
I think I’d rather beat the living shit out of them and leave them hanging off the side of a building instead.
CHRISTIAN walljumps his way to HEATH, who releases DOGS on him.
BAT-BALE
Oh no, dogs! Batman’s one true weakness!
BALE fights the dogs and then fights HEATH. Eventually HEATH falls off a ledge and plummets toward the ground, but CHRISTIAN saves him.
BAT-BALE
I saved you, Heath. That proves how committed I am to my sissy-pants moral code.
HEATH LEDGER
Huh. You didn’t seem to have a problem letting Liam Neeson die in the last movie, and all he did was blow up your house. I guess you loved your mansion more than Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don’t blame you, honestly.
BAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah… about that…
EXT. BUILDING RUINS
AARON ECKHART has taken GARY OLDMAN’S FAMILY hostage.
GARY OLDMAN
Please don’t hurt my family. I know you’re trying to establish a major character shift in like five minutes, but still, this is pretty unbelievable.
AARON ECKHART
I’m going to kill your son, Gary. Please continue laying on the ground and doing absolutely nothing to stop me.
CHRISTIAN BALE shows up and shoves AARON off the building ledge to his OBVIOUSLY-NOT-ACTUAL-DEATH.
GARY OLDMAN
Way to avoid breaking your one rule, Bale.
BAT-BALE
We can’t let people find out he killed a bunch of people. Tell everyone I did it.
GARY OLDMAN
Hmm. You know, we could probably just blame everything on Heath Ledger, since he murdered like 500 other people during the movie.
BAT-BALE
No, it has to be me. Nothing else would be as arbitrarily dramatic.
GARY OLDMAN
Alright, I’ll go along with your plan to protect Eckhart’s reputation, somehow looking past the fact that he nearly just shot my son in the fucking face.
The POLICE chase CHRISTIAN BALE into the night while GARY tries to awkwardly contort his closing voiceover into something that lets him say the title of the movie.
CHRISTIAN BALE gives everyone in the AUDIENCE a MILLION DOLLARS and everyone rubs their movie tickets on themselves to CURE CANCER, because this is OHMIGOD THE BEST MOVIE EVER EVER EVER!
END
Nice!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:19 ampure genius!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:29 amPretty good. You pretty much nailed all the logical contrivances that had me going “BULLSHIT!” in the theaters. Not quite as biting as your scripts nearly are. Guess you have a bias towards being nicer to GOOD movies (notice I say good and not great, I’m honestly sick of hearing how “great” The Dark Knight is). Only thing I had a problem with was how Heath seemingly had the ability to teleport anywhere at Gotham at random and places a whole shit load of bombs everywhere… without EVER being fucking noticed by anyone. Oh, and the clown make-up thing was total bullshit as well. It’s played off as “badass” when it’s really just retarded. Anyway, I’ll quit my bitching, nice work.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:31 amThat caption was hilarious! Keep up the good work Rod!
August 26th, 2008 at 8:33 amGreat! I loved Christian Bale’s sister reference in the Scarecrow scene! That did suck that Cillian Murphy was only in like two minutes of the film.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:36 amClassic.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:40 amRod,
August 26th, 2008 at 8:40 amYour still up to it, awsm. I dunno if you remember, we went to UR together.
Cheers,
Sasha
“his BAT-PHYSICS-VIOLATOR”
August 26th, 2008 at 8:42 amexcellent.
Awesome. And to think I was lamenting the wait for the TDK post earlier at work, only to arrive home and find it waiting for me. PLEASE keep it up, you’re like the new milennium’s MST3K, with better jokes!
Also, RE your last post looking for a guest writer, I shot a line to Scott Ransoomair over at VGCats.com. He’s lampooned a couple movies before, and might be a good shot for that. Though to be fair… you might get a guest comic instead. Whoops.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:45 amYes I got first. Nice go at mocking Dark Knight Rod, I actually didn’t think you’d be able to pull it off.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:45 amnice work, but you could have done more with it. This is after all the most overrated movie of the decade.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:46 amI’ve been an avid reader of yours for months now (i discovered your gem of a website via cracked.com) but I’ve always been too lazy to post a comment … until now. You pretty much nailed all the weak spots, including the over-the-top hype. I especially liked that bit where Bale says he has to save Heath, so he can be in the last film.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:52 amFunny you noticed the similar press conferences in Iron Man and Dark Knight.
And you even managed to squeeze in a Spiderman reference.
Awesome!
You should really do The Dark Knight next … since you already covered Cloverfield!
I can’t even identify my favorite line in this script which is really saying something. I never really saw the point of the whole commic film trend.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:15 amI liked how none of the school bus drivers minded another bus crash-driving out of a bank and getting in line with them.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:23 amChristian Bale: I need a suit that helps me fight off dogs.
Morgan Freeman: Yeah, we can’t do that.
Christian Bale: What? Didn’t you just build me a fucking parachute that allows me to hop onto planes in mid flight? What about those sonic thingies that runners use to scare off dogs? Why can’t you put one of those onto my suit?
August 26th, 2008 at 9:37 amI love it! This was something definitely worth waiting for!
I’m also very relieved to have you poke fun at the hype, because it bothered me to no end! Not that the movie was bad or anything… but you know what I mean.
Outstanding, Rod!
August 26th, 2008 at 9:53 amThat was awesome. I love the fact that I can read your scripts on movies I love like this and star wars and still laugh my ass off
August 26th, 2008 at 10:25 am“So it’s finally here. Me at one end of a Chicago street, you at the other. The epic battle between good and evil, teased in every advertisement for the movie! This is going to be awesome.”
CHRISTIAN BALE crashes his bike like a PUTZ. HEATH laughs, then gets arrested by GARY OLDMAN, who is alive after all. Then the scene ends.
- This was around the time I cashed in my chips, it would’ve been the only redeemable scene in the movie, and they screwed it up.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:43 amWhewie! I haven’t laughed that hard since the first Abridged Script I ever read (XXX). Truly, Rod, this is your Sistine Chapel.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:50 amI always wondered about the yacht thing. Wouldn’t the ballet dancers notice Bruce Wayne jumping into the water with a mysterious pack and swimming to that huge plane on the water? Wouldn’t hey at least hear the splash and be like, “SOMEONE WENT OVERBOARD!!!” Wouldn’t they be curious as to why a random floatable plane landed right next to the boat?
August 26th, 2008 at 10:54 amWhile I love The Dark Knight (and judging by your star-grade, so did you, Rod), this script was REALLY funny, and the best part being your description of the Chicago-street “showdown.” Hilarious!
August 26th, 2008 at 10:58 amBALE-POD, sold separately
Beautiful.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:17 am[...] screenplays on The-Editing-Room.com? If not, you should. Sometimes, they’re even funnier when you like the movie than when the movie [...]
August 26th, 2008 at 11:18 amI hated the way Bale growled all his lines. Why does Batman need to put on a voice? And why doesn’t he just make a full face mask with an electronic vocalizer instead?
August 26th, 2008 at 11:47 am“CHRISTIAN grabs her in midair, allowing MAGGIE to avoid landing on the PAVEMENT by landing safely on a CAR instead.”
I didn’t get that part either.
oh and do Cloverfield next
August 26th, 2008 at 11:56 amThis is your best script to date, IMO.
It kept getting funnier as I read. You hit all the “WTF” moments in the movie. I was going to copy and paste my favorite line into this comment but there were too many. Well done, sir.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pmOkay, I finally decided.
“Look, you don’t want to kill me for murdering her. You want to kill everyone else for failing to stop me from murdering her!”
XD
August 26th, 2008 at 12:58 pmThere are so many great parts to this script I can’t pick one to quote for my comment.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:59 pmAmazing.
And seriously. The bullet. WHAT?! “Oh, let’s just show a montage of high-tech looking CSI rip-offs to progress the movie and to make the point that Christian Bale’s oodles of money can solve anything!”
August 26th, 2008 at 1:07 pmHe already did, tank.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:15 pmCheck the archives.
-”Honestly, why were you buying drugs from a guy with a potato sack on his head?”-
-”You sound like you’re gargling Michael Keaton’s balls.”-
Funny, and I was told that the terrible bat voice was as “good” as it was because it was enhanced in post by computers.
you managed to pick up on all the snags that caused a run in the dark knight’s tights. Well worth the wait.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:18 pmGOOD JOB, Rod. I can see why it took you a while to do this, there was just so much in the movie to cover. I liked – or should I say LOVED – the film as much as you did (I also gave it four and a half stars), but it was still good to see it abridged, if only to show that Chris Nolan’s not beyond criticism.
Some of my favourite parts – Taking the piss out of Bale’s Bat-Voice (even some of those who gave the film a good review found it a little laughable), the Spider-Man reference, and “At least you’re not Katie Holmes, I like that.” To name but a few…
Although I did like Aaron Eckhart’s Two-Face make-up; it blew Tommy Lee Jones’s out of the water. And in fairness, Bat-Bale didn’t DIRECTLY kill Liam Neeson in Batman Begins. Yet “not saving him”, so to speak, allowed Chris Nolan to have his cake and eat it in an irresponsible manner, and was still well worth mocking.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:21 pmI think I might deal with the “Do Cloverfield Next!” meme by just reposting my stupid cloverfield script every few weeks with the names of movies people want on the site.
X-FILES 2: I WANT TO BELIEVE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT – NEW YORK
A group of WEALTHY DOUCHEBAGS gather for a party while listening to SHITTY MUSIC. MIKE VOGEL approaches T.J. MILLER.
MIKE VOGEL:
Hey, I need you to take this video camera and film everyone here and anything else that happens tonight.
T.J. MILLER:
Because you need me to record goodbye messages for our friend, Michael Stahl-David?
MIKE VOGEL:
August 26th, 2008 at 1:24 pmNo, because it will be used as an obnoxious gimmick that will distract everyone from realizing our movie has no plot whatsoever.
i love this movie, the only thing i didnt like was the sonar.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:47 pmPhenomenal as usual! I watched this movie about a week after it came out and the only thing I could think during the whole thing was, “… THIS is what people are peeing their pants over?”
As with everyone else, I can’t pick my favorite line from your script; there are too many great ones :D
August 26th, 2008 at 2:09 pmlots of great lines but this one made me laugh the most
“BAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah… about that…”
August 26th, 2008 at 2:14 pmI still don’t get all the crap about the Bat-voice. It didn’t bother me in the slightest.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:26 pmWhile there are some funny moments in this script, I can’t help but feel that some of it was just nit picking. It was still good though.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pmAARON ECKHART holds a plot-explaining press conference, a scene that is quickly becoming a staple of the “Comic Book Movie About A Millionaire Playboy That Uses Technology To Build A Suit That Enables Him To Fight Evildoers” genre.
Hes a Billionaire. Funny script though.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:46 pmGreat job, Rod. And X-Files would have been better with the Cloverfield monster. Say what you will about the Batman script, but Ledger had me alternately squirming in my seat, wincing, and slack-jawed with amazement. Every other line, I’m thinking, JEE-sus…
I just hope whoever’s next in line for villian throws himself into it like that.
Or herself. I hear Nolan’s doing Catwoman next, possibly with Cher. Someone please tell me that’s a joke.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:04 pmThis is as hilarious as your abridged “Transformers” script. I enjoyed it almost as much as the film itself.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:47 pmI’ve got something to add:
August 26th, 2008 at 5:02 pm“AARON ECKHART tosses his coin to MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL, who discoveres that it is a double-headed coin. This is a huge plot-twist to anyone who’s never read a BATMAN COMIC, or seen an episode of the BATMAN TV SHOW, or seen JOEL SCHUMACHER’S FIRST SHITTY BATMAN MOVIE, or gone on Wikipedia and searched for BATMAN or TWO-FACE.”
I knew it! After I watched this movie, I thought to myself, “Why the fuck don’t they blame it all on the Joker instead of Batman!?”
Apparently, we thought the same thing; nice.
This was the best (and possibly the longest) script you’ve ever done and possibly will ever do, but no pressure on the next one.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:04 pmI thought this movie was awesome, but one of maybe two problems I had with it was the rush-job on the Twoface characterization. And why the f### would he make a half-business/half-bedazzled comic-throwback suit, like he wears at the end? At what point would it occur to Harvey to do such a thing? And when would he find the time to do it?
“Harvey…what’s with the suit?”
“Well, I’m Twoface now, so…”
August 26th, 2008 at 6:39 pmOk, also it bothered me that nobody seemed grossed out by Harvey’s face–they were just shocked to see him.
And Maggie G isn’t that bad, people.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:42 pmNot as funny as the rest of your work!
August 26th, 2008 at 6:54 pmNevertheless, I am huge fan of your work!
This is quite possibly the best out of all your scripts and that’s a huge compliment. It’s funny, I didn’t think it’d be so good for a good film.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:03 pm“And why the f### would he make a half-business/half-bedazzled comic-throwback suit, like he wears at the end?”
Best guess: His old suit melted like that.
“And Maggie G isn’t that bad, people.”
The problem however is that’s Maggie G isn’t that GOOD either.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:24 pmDo you think Gyllenhaal ever said to Ledger: “So, you fucked my brother…”
Yeah, the movie was good… but it was no Wall-E.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:55 pm[...] Hilton delivers concentrated Batman juice. [...]
August 26th, 2008 at 9:44 pmRod, you can now claim sweet victory over everyone who doesn’t understand that you can make fun of good movies. This was by far both the best movie of the past year and the best script of the past year. Congrats from a longtime fan.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:54 pmTerrific script.
But if Two-Face really is alive, it’s going to totally negate the whole “we can’t let the Joker win by showing the people of Gotham he drove Harvey Dent insane” thing instead.
Also, hilarious about the mayor’s eyeliner. I think it’s just the way Nestor Carbonell looks — he’s on Lost and I think the same thing every time.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:55 pm“Christian Bale uses Magic to pull fingerprints…”
Nice “Prestige” reference there, Rod. LOL!
August 26th, 2008 at 11:02 pmIt’s sad, because all of those things are completely true…but that WAS one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while. XD I mean, come on. Let’s face it. You can do this with ANY movie! You could probably do this with like…someone’s autobiography! Therefore, while your pointing-out the problems of this and other films I enjoy are funny, they are moot. I was entertained, therefore it served it’s purpose.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:47 pmCHRISTIAN BALE crashes his bike like a PUTZ
ahahahahahahaha! God this was so funny. I would say one of your best scripts. Also liked how you pointed out that after Batman showed the audience that he could not be pushed to kill, he tackles Eckhart off a ledge. And Batmans voice was very hard to get used to.
August 26th, 2008 at 11:51 pmThat was a good one, the best in a while. And, as I have said in some other occsion, I agree with the script, not the rating. As I expected, you pointed out the rampant plot holes and flaws in logic which left me underwhelmed when I saw the film.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:34 amThe Dark Knight is one of my top 25 movies of all time.
That being said, this is probably one of the top 5 funniest scripts on this site.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:37 amLoved The Dark Knight, went straight into my Top Ten of All Time, loved this abridged script just as much!
That’s a really good point – why didn’t they just blame the Joker for Dent’s killing? Makes no sense!
Movie: 10/10
This script: 10/10
Best Abridged Script Ever? Quite possibly!
August 27th, 2008 at 12:44 amAwesome script. I loved this movie but it did have many flaws and it is incredibly overrated, still love it though.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:03 amNice. As soon as I was walking out the theatre I realised they could have hung the whole thing on The Joker, who was completely unaccounted for during the time of the murders, and had an M.O. of random mayhem. Well done.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:20 amAwesome. Almost didn’t think you could do it seeing as you appeared to have loved the movie so much you were mentioning how great it was in your other scripts. But you managed to completely rip it.
I remember when the The Joker’s truck flipped over, my immediate reaction was “Holy shit that’s stupid! This movie rocks!”
August 27th, 2008 at 2:56 amAlso the sly ICP reference was funny too.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:00 amI liked the first two thirds of the film, then it really started to drag. I mean, I understand how all of that extraneous crap was necessary for the Batman mythos, but come on. Childish dialogue, quick-cut editing, Joker unable to shut the hell up? I only suffered on because it channeled the dark, streamlined feeling of the animated series, which I used to watch obsessively. And hell, it was complex, I’ll give it that. 7/10
August 27th, 2008 at 3:11 amGood call on the Bale-voice. It’s the one flaw in his portrayal of the character. Ridiculously OTT.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:15 am“Oh no, dogs! Batman’s one true weakness!”
August 27th, 2008 at 4:17 amCLASSIC!!!
@Him:
Wow, you don’t read the comments here much do you?
August 27th, 2008 at 6:34 am@Sam:
True about the suit–maybe that’s why nobody else ever mentions it.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:21 amI’m always posting then re-posting, BUT a reason it might be hard to pin the crimes on the Joker is that the Joker is still alive, is very vocal, and could just be like, “Um, I didn’t do that stuff,” and the evidence would support his claims. Of course, as the plot stands, the Joker’s knowledge of the truth might still pose a problem, but this might be addressed in the next film anyway, so..
August 27th, 2008 at 7:30 amThe Movie was “Good,” not great, and there’s even more plot contrivances than are actually mentioned on this Abridged version, though I am glad to see as many as there are mentioned!
For me though, the high number of plot holes & contrivances are too high to also rate it 4.5-out-of-5 stars. I walked out completely underwhelmed. It WAS overhyped, it was NOT as good as The Departed or Godfather, I didn’t see how people were making those comparisons. And while it tried and mostly succeeded in being morally complex, it still felt too forced, which bothered me.
Yay heath ledger, though. Holy crap what a fine job. And to think I was worried when I heard he got the role… He was the best part of the whole thing!
August 27th, 2008 at 7:39 amI agree that the Joker would probably deny he killed those who Dent did (since it was his goal for the city to find out about it), and it would probably at the very least make people suspicious, as he’d not deny all those he really killed. As for the random road, it was probably part of the planned route the cops were taking, and the Joker would have known about from the inside source.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:30 am“And why the f### would he make a half-business/half-bedazzled comic-throwback suit, like he wears at the end?”
I think the suit gets damaged in the car crash with Sal Maroni. Of course, it’s still a little bit silly and too convenient that the accident just happens to only damage half of his suit, and only on his “evil” side, but I don’t think it’s a special suit that he decided to design himself to fit his new persona.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:51 amBAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah… about that…
ahahaha
August 27th, 2008 at 8:57 am@ Stuart:
“As for the random road, it was probably part of the planned route the cops were taking, and the Joker would have known about from the inside source.”
Not possible, as the convoy was not supposed to go into the tunnel in the first place, meaning everything after that had to be “unplanned,” which means ANY road they took from that point on was outside of the planned circumstances. Which is where the movie started losing me: The Joker, it seemed, planned even all the unplanned, random events, that were beyond anyone’s (even his own) control or probable knowledge.
Omnipotence is the only way to have had The Joker’s plan be remotely possible. It was all far too convenient….
August 27th, 2008 at 9:06 amHoly Mother of Vishnu! That is, by far, my favorite Editing Room script to date. It is spot on, and covers almost every single reason that I didn’t cream myself over this movie like everyone else. The only glaring omission was the “plane that snatches my hostage via a flyby that *has* to be going at least 75MPH to maintain altitude via a two-inch-wide sling without slicing him in half” (sorry, that was as concise as I could make that). Completely hilarious. A+++ WOULD READ AGAIN!
August 27th, 2008 at 9:37 amRod, this might well be your masterpiece! It’s right up there with the Lord of the Rings scripts. This one had me laughing out lout for almost the entire thing.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:00 amAnd I noticed that you gave the movie 4.5 stars! I think your funniest scripts come from movies that you actually like.
It was a good script, well written, but it really isn’t that funny. I got a couple chuckles (bought up all the decks to stuff his car full of jokers) but not nearly as funny as some of the other scripts. A good job pointing out plot holes though. A pretty good indicator for the movie and that it didn’t have anything that was incredibly stupid. Just normal stupidity :) Thanks for the script Rod!
August 27th, 2008 at 10:43 amSome things I want to know.
1. How the hell did the Joker get enough explosives into the hospital to blow it up so spectacularly with nobody seeing anything?
2. The sonar sequence at the end confused the hell outta me, what with all those sweeping moves. Is that what Bale was seeing (as implied by his pov of Heath smacking him upside the head)? If so, how the hell did he sort it all out in his head to know where to go?
Great job as usual pointing out all those plot holes. I might have CUT TO: Heath at the party, looking around aimlessly, then awkwardly walking out with a sheepish look on his face.
But then there’s a reason you write this stuff and I get to try and be smart by putting my 2 cents in.
I’ve probably failed miserably. I’ll get me coat.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:01 pmNot funny.
Nitpicking.
Makes no points.
All the “problems” listed are easily answered by the movie’s IMDB page. The FAQ there renders this essay pretty much moot.
You really shouldn’t do these anymore. Especially if it’s based on a movie you like. You are just pandering to your audience, and your audience hates all movies.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:13 pmyou guys are GENIUSES!!!! So hilarious, so so true. :)
August 27th, 2008 at 2:44 pmJust had a wicked awesome idea (but don’t have the equipment to implement it).
You should create a short silent film out of this script using clips from the film (rendered black and white), with somebody doing silent movie piano music of the actual score, with perhaps vocal narration mixed with dialogue cards.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:31 pmWhile many of this sites “scripts” are nitpicky, this one takes the cake. Batman had a few flaws, but it seems like Rod Hilton wrote this just…because. Because why? Maybe he had masterbated himself out for the day and was bored. I don’t know. What I do know is that this site should just stick to writing about shit movies like Juno and Superman Returns.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:47 pmOh, and Jon. The reason that they didn’t blame Two Faces actions on the Joker is because the ENTIRE film, they made it clear that criminals weren’t as scared of Batman as they should be because they knew he would not kill them. He put the blame on himself so that he would seem even more scary. Me thinks you should prehaps watch the movie again, and pay attention this time.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:54 pm“What I do know is that this site should just stick to writing about shit movies like Juno and Superman Returns.”
Haha. Both of those scripts resulted in people telling me that I was just being nitpicky about them because they were good.
If I talk about the flaws of a movie you hate, that’s a spot-on criticism of ’shit movies’
If I talk about the flaws of a movie you like, I’m being ‘nitpicky’.
Sometimes it’s nice to have a reminder of how dumb people are. No wonder shit like ‘Disaster Movie’ keep getting made.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:09 pmRod,
Brilliant as always. You’re even better when you do good movies I like rather than bad ones. But you left out this tiny piece of implausibility:
MORGAN FREEMAN logs off of the Batcomputer, which causes it to LITERALLY EXPLODE.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:18 pmThings are worse than evurrrrrrrr!
What made this line even funnier to me was when I realized that Rachel Dawes had already said it in Batman Begins.
Meanwhile, HEATH LEDGER escapes police custody using brabble frabble gloob glop.
I believe he did like Sonic in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and taunted the guards into doing something stupid. The Gotham police force could learn a lot from Scratch and Grounder’s mistakes.
I somehow installed your sonar technology in every phone in the city, and apparently everyone has bought a new phone in the past week.
Oh boy, when the FCC finds out about this…
August 27th, 2008 at 6:16 pm*rubs third dark knight movie ticket all over herself to prevent any future cancer that might come up*
Best. Movie. Ever.
But seriously, what was up with the mayors eyeliner? That was very distracting.
Nice script.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:21 pmIt seems the epic length of the movie left me with little or no capacity for critical thought as I left the cinema.
Some bits I did pick up on, like the tedious plot advances, but still, the movie was very entertaining.
Cool recap and I suspect that the next Batman movie will lower the bar substantially.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:05 pm[...] The Dark Knight Movie (Additional link added for those that hate clowns included) The Dark Knight: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room __________________ Sugar Loving Specktra Beauty Blog Read us at Specktra Beauty News / Listen [...]
August 27th, 2008 at 7:14 pmWith all the mentions you made to other superhero movies, I’m surprised you didn’t mention the similarities between this and Tim Burton’s first Batman movie. Two things that immediately jump to mind are Batman swooping at the joker in a fast vehicle shooting at him while he stands in the middle of the street, but not killing him, and the falling off a building, but having Batman catch him at the end part.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:37 pm@Mehtoyou
Dude, will you please shut up. Not everyone thought The Dark Knight was some kind of masterpiece. In fact, I could easily think of 25 movies off the top of my head that were 10 times as entertaining.
In fact, if anything, I think Rod was being a little too easy on the movie. He only covered half of the contrivances and plot holes. I don’t have a problem with movies having plot holes, but Christopher Nolan’s take on Batman was supposed to be realistic, but it was no where near as plausible as the first film.
Joker blows up a freaking HOSPITAL in BROAD freaking DAYLIGHT and makes his escape in an ultra fast SCHOOL BUS, which no cop seems able to stop, even though they’ve been warned that Joker will, you know, blow up a hospital. You see, this is totally believable because the cops apparently set up a perimeter two freaking miles away, just to be safe. It’s not like they could have used a helicopter or something for surveillance. That would just make too much sense.
/sarcasm
Batman falls several stories to the ground, not once, but TWICE and gets up without so much as a broken bone, but hey, that’s okay because his super duper special armor, (which is so strong that a dog can chew through it) protected him from the fall. That’s totally realistic! Right? What’s that you say? The metal roof of the Taxi totally cushioned his fall. Well, that’s even BETTER! How wonderfully realistic. If I ever have to jump out of a burning building it’s nice to know that a kevlar vest and a strategically placed car will break my fall.
Police Commissioner Gordon pretends to be dead so that Joker will chase after Harvey Dent instead of his family (huh?) and Joker proceeds to kill six innocent people in the middle of downtown Chicago, uh, Gotham City, but this is okay, because by drawing the Joker out, the police are protecting the public from harm. No reason to clear the streets of pedestrians and traffic and stuff while transporting Harvey Dent as bait for a sicko maniac killer.
How the hell did Joker manage to park a burning truck in the middle of downtown Gotham without the cops arresting him? You would have thought they would have been prepared for something like that.
Joker manages to keep a pencil perfectly balanced on a table while a large gangster stomps across the floor to fight him. Cool, but stupid.
Joker burns a pyramid of money, because you see, money is not important to him. What’s important to him is blowing and burning stuff up, which is exactly why he robs banks for a living. Makes perfect sense, no?
The Dark Knight was dumb, dumb, dumb. And even worse, boring.
August 27th, 2008 at 8:18 pmNice script, Rod. I’m also in the you-probably-went-too-easy-on-this-overwrought-overbought-choppy-underlit-three-hour-dirge camp, but very enjoyable as always. I’d also like to throw this in: The Joker is perhaps the most sadistic, utterly terrifying villain in modern fiction. His whole master plan – the diabolical masterstroke holding all of Gotham in mind-wrenching panic – is to put bombs he can’t trigger on a couple of boats, implode an evacuated hospital, and accidentally disfigure a lawyer?
Also, you haters need to… well, I won’t wax violent. It seems to me you don’t seem to get the premise of the site you’re viewing. Go somewhere else. For the love of Christ, go find something else to do.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:00 pmDoesn’t matter what movie/show the mayor is in, he always has eyeliner.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:19 pmHEE-LAY-RIOUS….
August 27th, 2008 at 9:20 pmI laughing my ass off.
I don’t care if somebody is picking nits.
The movie was good, no doubt about that, but the script is funny in it’s own right.
Keem ‘em coming
Not to disparage Heath Ledger, but if he hadn’t died, this movie would have only been in the 200 million range. People were fascinated with seeing him give one of his last performances, in the same way people are fascinated by car wrecks or James Dean. So a lot of people tricked themselves into seeing something that wasn’t there.
And while Heath was great, there was some miscasting and bad acting that just killed a lot of scenes for me. Christian Bale seemed to be phoning in his performance. Maggie Gyllenhaal was just hideous to look at. I’m sorry but I come to movies to see a little eye candy. Eckhart showed just a little too much of the “I’m evil now, listen to my raspy, menacing voice” variety of crazy.
And am I the only one who thought Christopher Nolan was injecting himself too much into every scene. It’s seems like every scene was shouting out, “Hey, look how thought provoking we are. We’re giving a guy who dresses like a Bat moral dimensions and stuff!”
Half the time I felt like screaming, “Could you guys shut up and give me some explosions, for Christ’s sake. This is freaking Batman, not Amadeus or Casablanca.”
And even when stuff was exploding, I was sitting there thinking, “Why are the explosions so poorly lit? Will someone please stop shaking the camera. COME ON, stop it. What the hell just happened. That’s it? At least let Batman be in danger for a moment. Fuck! I paid ten dollars for this crap?”
August 27th, 2008 at 9:28 pm“MORGAN FREEMAN logs off of the Batcomputer, which causes it to LITERALLY EXPLODE.”
Bruce programmed it to self-destruct when the keyphrase “Lucius Fox” was entered. That’s why he told Fox to enter his name when he was done. So the device would destroy itself. Not only is it plausible, it’s made pretty clear what exactly is happening there.
August 27th, 2008 at 9:42 pmFunny thing, the 180-degree Batpod turn off the wall got the biggest reaction in my theatre too.
The Dark Knight has some complex psychology going for it (more than Batman Begins’ “FEAR FEAR FEAR!” bullshit) that, although at times borderlined on making sure every retarded frat kid in the audience grasped it, was what ultimately won me over. Combined with Ledger’s performance and Nolan finally grasping how to direct action sequences, the film pleased me. At about 7 out of 10 possible points, ie is better than Iron Man.
But it’s even harder to be that middle-of-the-road about it than it is to be on either extreme. For every “BAATMAN RAWKS!” fanboy there is a “IF MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE LIKE IT, I Hate IT!” prick ready to take him down. And I wouldn’t trust either of them as far as an incubator for an alien fetus. Reality, is that when you stop believing in it, does not go away. Real opinions behave similarly.
Re the script above, it’s cool that Rod can turn his surgical scriptwit on any film he pleases, but more often than not, his complaints differ greatly from my own.
An example: I never once believed that Joker was really talking about his father (or his wife) when relating the origins of his scars. In fact, it is my theory that Joker is self-conscious about them, and thus, brings them up whenever the opportunity presents itself and varies the story each time; consciously, to fuck with people.
Another example: the showdown on the street was practically perfect, and in fact better than the actual climax. There was no need to turn it into a Iron Suit VS Bigger Iron Suit/Green Hulk VS Brown Hulk shitfest.
However, fuck the ferrie scene, fuck all of the Dent foreshadowing, fuck Bale’s Batvoice, fuck Scarecrow’s brief appearance, fuck the lazy way Dent’s face catches on fire, fuck the lack of emotion on Wayne dealing with Rachel’s death (poorly-written female character or no), fuck the sonar thing, and fuck turning Batman into the whore of Gotham. There is so reason why the hero can’t be as uncompromising and absolute as the villain. No need to turn him into Jesus fucking Christ.
Er YOU COMPLETE ME
August 27th, 2008 at 9:59 pmLong time reader, first time poster.
Rob, to say that I enjoyed this and laughed my ass off while reading it would be an understatement. I thought it was funny as hell. I’m not going to say that I thought exactly the same as you while on every scene while watching it, but I did for quite a few.
Like in the “conveniently placed gap in the school bus line”. I saw that and thought, what the hell? Wouldn’t at least the next guy in line think it was a little suspicious for a bus empty of all kids drive out of hole in the wall of a bank and then get in line? And the bus not messed up or it paint even scratched so that it can “blend in” without a problem?
I also didn’t get the growling. I thought it was a little campy in Batman Begins, but just attributed it to being Bales first attempt at a Batman character. Why he didn’t just smoke a pack of cigarettes first or get one of those voice changers at Walmart for $ 9.99, I don’t know.
The “Bat Sonar”…. Just wow. I know it’s a central plot device, but putting them into every phone in a week seems a bit a stretch. And the shitty CG to display what it was like to “see” what the sonar was doing reminded me, painfully, of Daredevil. And since it would only work while the cell phones were on and “sending” voice, it seemed a huge stretch as if someone holds a cell phone more than a foot away from their mouth, you can’t hear what they are saying. Unless his “Bat Computer” can decipher all that background noise to pluck out a coherent voice, it’s useless. Installing radio receivers all over town to “listen in” on the existing cell technology would be much more believable. To me, at least.
Ultimately, great job, as always. As I said, I have been reading this site for many years now and have loved all that you and your guest contributors have posted. I always laugh my ass off every time something new is posted. You, more than any other source, have given me the information on movies that has influenced on what I go see. Saved me a good bit of money and hours of my life. Kudos.
August 27th, 2008 at 11:23 pmHey Kevin:
I love movies, and I love this site. What I don’t love is someone like you who can’t take a fucking joke.
Any movie, no matter how good, can be parodied. You being so defensive and humorless about what is, after all, just a comic book movie (no matter how well done), is a real downer.
I come here for a laugh, and Rod delivers. You apparently come here to be the comic book store owner from The Simpsons.
Not that Rod needs me to stick up for him, but that was irritating.
Learn to laugh, dude. It’s just a movie.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:30 am“Christian Bale uses Magic to pull fingerprints…”
Nice “Prestige” reference there, Rod. LOL!
Oh, that was a reference? I thought he was just saying it was really unlikely that that would have worked.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:02 amFrom what I understand, the dude who plays the mayor isn’t wearing eyeliner, that’s just the way he looks. Although I admit, it is distracting.
Lastly, as this thread seems to be devolving, there is a difference between rating a movie, and rating the experience of watching it. I the TDK is pretty darn entertaining as a movie, in the theater, that I sat there and watched (twice). As soon as I left the theater the first time, I was able to point out flaws, but when I went back to watch, I could care less about the flaws, because I was having a good time, because that’s what the movie is: a good time. It gets a lot of gas for dealing with psychological issues, and for being almost unrelentingly somber, and I think that’s why it gets a pass with so many people: it’s okay that it’s imperfect because it seems to mean well. It treats the comic with respect and blahblah…
So, yeah. In Rod’s review/script for GVS’s Psycho remake, he points out that there is a lot that isn’t entirely awesome about the movie because it wasn’t so awesome in the original. But Psycho transcend’s the criticism beause it upped the ante at the time and people have been ripping it off ever since. That is the case here, sort of, at least according to the media, so that’s TDK’s burden and is why it’s probably so easy to get excited about, and so easy to hate as well. RANT!
August 28th, 2008 at 6:06 am@Paul
Relaaax…geez.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:14 amDave:
I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be humorless. I was just trying to be as funny as this “satiric” “abridged” “script”.
By the way, I admit that this is a comic book movie, but Rod Hilton doesn’t appear to see it that way. If he demands complete logic and understanding from a comic book movie, he is even farther gone than I though.
I rarely come to this website, because I find almost nothing here funny. Rod’s scripts are written at the lowest level of satire, and he makes no attempt to do anything creative with them. He just takes the popular (and often baseless) insults anti-fanboys have been using on message boards and sticks them into a script.
I’m sorry if I seem like a humorless Comic Book Guy type to you. If you know me in real life, you know I’m usually a prettty happy-go-lucky guy. It’s just that this website (like the movie section of cracked.com and also Mad TV) sucks all of the humor out of me whenever I visit it.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:18 amYES THANK YOU
August 28th, 2008 at 8:41 amHOW does everyone not get that Bale is Batman? He disappears off the yacht BLATANTLY obviously, and disappears in the middle of the party and on and on and on and it’s so very clear it’s him.
PS. re: the mayor/eyeliner
He just looks like that. He’s on Lost and he looks like he’s wearing eyeliner even in the middle of the jungle.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:42 amKevin Klawitter sez:
“I rarely come to this website, because I find almost nothing here funny.”
Just so everyone knows, this is not accurate. Mr. Klawitter is obsessed with this site. I’ve received two e-mails from him, both well over 500 words, where he details everything that’s wrong with me and this site. He tells me that the scripts are the ‘lowest form of satire’.
I replied to his first e-mail telling him he’s an idiot and otherwise ignoring him, which apparently annoyed him so much that he later sent another e-mail trying to give me advice on how I can be as awesome as him.
To add to the hilarity, he provided some examples of his vastly superior satirical work, by telling me he posts under the fake name “SenatorPatriot” on a bunch of web forums. He pretends to be a right wing nut in order to parody right-wing nuts. In short, he prides himself on being a troll (or ‘poe’ as he calls it in a masturbatory way). Feel free to google him if you want to see just how excellent his ’satirical writing’ is.
Kevin regularly posts comments to the site, which I never approve because they’re stupid and because I believe he is a troll. So yeah, I’d say he visits the site quite frequently, don’t buy into his “I totally don’t care or whatever because I’m above it” bullshit.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:43 amI’m vowing this will be my last comment for the Dark Knight thread (inhales):
@Emily:
I think Bruce Wayne is pretty much, like, the Paris Hilton of Gotham, so the idea of him being Batman is unbelievable to them. (Like when he escapes the party, he has two witnesses [the people getting it on in the bedroom] who can attest that he escaped in to a panic room, thereby making him a coward).
August 28th, 2008 at 9:40 amIf we were to imagine what things appear to be like from the perspective of an actual person/citizen living in Gotham (if Gotham and Batman were real), then maybe the possibility of Bruce being Batman is openly discussed among Gothamnites (like, as a “blind item” on blogs).
But I imagine another theory that the people of Gotham would entertain: There is more than one man who plays the part of Batman. And that maybe the so-called “Dark Knight” is actually corporate-funded private police project that is run by a military contractor (imagine the Gotham version of Blackwater). Imagine the breakdown of police and law & order in New Orleans during the wake of Katrina. That’s what Gotham might be like (minus the hurricane disaster).
So from that perspective, which theory sounds more likely? That the Batman is one layabout billionaire playboy… or a persona played by a unit of military contractors who are secretly paid by powerful business, corporate and political interests to fight and scare rampant criminality in their corrupt city?
August 28th, 2008 at 10:17 am“I admit that this is a comic book movie”
Thanks, Kevin. That’s big of you.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:45 amYou all know that this movie was great. Even you anti-everything-and-especially-everything-being-hyped-people. The Dark Knight was a rare, summer-blockbuster masterpiece, and a box office phenomenon – NOT just because of Ledger’s death, which is not even a realistic theory anymore when looking at the current numbers. So why don’t we all just read the abridged script, laugh at it (because it’s funny), and stop making hateful comments. Just a suggestion.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:27 amFanboys everywhere agree! The Editing Room’s abridged script of “The Dark Knight” is THE. BEST. SCRIPT. EVAAAARRR!
…and everyone rubs a printout of the script on themselves to CURE CANCER, because this is OHMIGOD THE BEST SCRIPT EVER EVER EVER!
It was good. It’s not the funniest on the site, or the most insightful, but it was good. Just like the movie. It’s true that how much you hate a script here can be determined by how much you loved the movie, but I guess it’s also true that you can love a script disproportionally to it’s merit if you loved the movie.
Hey Kevin Klawitter, thanks for posting. I always get a good laugh out of the overuse of quotation marks.
………….
Kevin Klawitter, the logical one Says:
I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be humorless. I was just trying to be as funny as this “satiric” “abridged” “script”.
………….
So you disagree that this was “abridged” and a “script?” Heh, good stuff.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:46 amI fail to see how The Dark Knight was a “great” or even a “good” movie. Besides Heath Ledger, there was nothing redeemable about it. I would really like someone to explain to me what it is I’m missing about this steaming pile of a movie. There wasn’t one great fight scene in the entire movie. There wasn’t one “wow, that was totally bad ass” moment.
Remember how you felt when Indiana Jones rode under the truck in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Or how bad ass John McClane was when he jumped off the roof of that building right before it became a fiery mushroom cloud? Those were great moments in action movie history.
Batman had nothing to do in this movie. It seemed to me that Joker was actually being propped up as the hero.
Anyway, instead of complaining let me just say that I enjoyed Rod’s script to no end. While some people have accused him of pandering to movie haters, I actually think the opposite. He was quite generous to give this movie 4 and a half stars. And it seems to me that he may have actually enjoyed, despite the obvious flaws.
But thanks, Rod. This script is a gem. I laugh every time I read it. It’s probably your best work. I love the crack about Liam Neeson and the “OMG, Dogs” line. I guess dogs are Batman’s Kryptonite.
August 28th, 2008 at 1:24 pmOh, now Roddy has gotten into the fight. Yipee.
Hearing him talk to you dudes about be gives me some interesting insights into his mind.
He relays to you that he replied to my E-mail by calling me an “idiot” (boy, was that a good point). He also said I sent another because I was annoyed.
I was annoyed. Not merely because he called me an idiot, but for the most part, my first E-mail was as polite as I could make it and still criticize his work. I admitted he has talent as a satirist, but his choice of work (abridged scripts) limit his abilities. He has the characters blatantly state his problems with the movie, instead of disguising them (like more talented satirists like Swift and Twain did). In addition, he throws in seemingly random references to movies done in the actors’ pasts, which isn’t satiric and borders on the edge of Ad hominem attacks.
In response to my constructive criticism, I recieved a profane, insulting E-mail back. That’s what annoyed me. So later on, I decided to give him some tips on how to improve his writing without changing his style. Admittedly, I wasn’t as nice that time, but as he and I both mentioned, I was irked. I got the same type of response.
Oh, and there is some evidence in Roddy’s post that he doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. He says I call myself a “poe” in a “masturbatory” way. He thinks I compare myself to Eddy Allan. I’m not. He’s much more talented than I will ever be.
For those of you who don’t know, “poe” is internet slang for somebody who puts satiric posts on message boards without letting people know it is satiric. That’s exactly what I do. I do it like that to test the relative intelligence of my audiences (I post on both liberal and conservative message boards).
He also says I post on this website a lot. Before today, I’ve posted on this website MAYBE 3 or 4 times at most. I visit it, sure, but that’s just because I was waiting for this “abridged” “script”. So there’s that.
I hope this adds a little context to our argument. Feel free to google my alias. I’m happy Roddy told you to. I can alway use a little criticism.
Oh, and Nony Mouse? This “script” is not “abridged”. It is rewritten. And it’s not a “script” or “Screenplay” either because it’s more or less unfilmable.
Urban Dictionary for “Poe”
August 28th, 2008 at 1:47 pmhttp://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Poe’s+Law
Funny script Rod, keep up the good work.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:00 pmRod: Been reading forever, first time post. Script is as brilliant as ever. Agree with your star rating, as well. I’m interested to see what they do about the Joker character in future films.
Kevin: Thanks for the lesson. Please do something else with your time. If you don’t enjoy reading Rod’s scripts, try to imagine how those of us who do feel about your reading your posts?
(Arguing through the internet…never quite understood that one, but there it is!)
Thanks again, Rod.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:09 pmI agree with you entirely MFS, why must everyone slag this movie when everybody knows it’s marvelous but still want to go against the grain and hate it. Can’t we just appreciate the movie and the script as two things with completely different purposes. The film was done to give an epic feel and to increase an already great summer full of films while the script was done to make people laugh. Let them just be for that purpose and no other. END OF.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:31 pmHe has the characters blatantly state his problems with the movie, instead of disguising them.
And it’s not a “script” or “Screenplay” either because it’s more or less unfilmable.
Um, well, that’s kinda the whole gimmick of the site: Every point is just stated outright without any build-up or details a real work of prose would have.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:46 pmAnd yet he comes back for more abuse! Kevinny, you are crackingy me uppy. Especially your admission that you were looking forward to the abridged script (which, by the bye, is the entire fucking purpose and form of this site… it’s like complaining that you got cake when you went to a birthday party, you mental derelict). Which was it, dude? You hate everything about the site, or you were waiting raptly for a new script so you could blather on to Rod’s fans and feel like you had accomplished something with your life?
August 28th, 2008 at 3:47 pmPS @Spellmage… I don’t think everyone DID think it was marvelous. I didn’t, for instance.
August 28th, 2008 at 3:49 pm@ Rod RE: Kevin
OMG. I think that might have been funnier than any of the scripts I’ve read here. I mean, of course that whole exchange wouldn’t have been possible without all the history that led up to it…
It’s almost as if this site’s existence, and all the good & bad scripts, have all been merely a setup for this ONE, SHINING MOMENT of comedy in your reply to Kevin.
THAT’S comedy!
August 28th, 2008 at 4:09 pmKevin:
To each his own. I think you’re selling Rod (and those of us who like his stuff) pretty short. It’s not like he’s stringing together fart jokes.
That said, I’d buy you a beer. Even an imported one. Peace.
August 28th, 2008 at 4:14 pmAlso, inquiring minds want to know: is Kevin REALLY pretending to satire right-wingers, or is he secretly one?
August 28th, 2008 at 4:15 pmDave:
Thanks for the offer, but I’m only 17. I know he’s not exactly unsophisticated, but there’s much better movie satire out there.
Random Bob:
Read my stuff and find out.
On another note, most of my satire is written in one sitting, so it’s very possible that I go into a trance and actually BECOME Senator Patriot for the hour or so it takes for me to write an essay.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:26 pmJeez, I should really catch up on the comments before I post. I missed Rod’s unmasking of Kevin. The following contains zero irony or satire:
Kevin, someone once said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” Rod gets that. You, however, need to work on your paragraph breaks, for starters.
Also, someone once pointed out that when you give unsolicited advice, you run the risk of learning its exact value to the listener.
And you open yourself up to receiving some, such as this: don’t talk down to people—they somehow will never like that, no matter how much Irony Syrup you pour over it.
See Onion article: “People Don’t Like It When I Call Them Stupid.”. Rod coming back with “idiot” is pretty understandable when you started off by calling us idiots in so many words.
And finally, to be the man, you gotta beat the man. Anyone can act superior. Anyone can fuck with people and pass it off as satire.
But can you do funny? I haven’t seen it so far. Forget the Simpsons comic guy, it’s more like the Teaching Assistant in college that thinks he’s smarter than the professor (not to mention all the students, who avoid him when they see him on campus).
Rod can do funny, and has for years. If your little social experiment was intended to gauge the intellect of the room, I’d say you found out in a big way. Hope it was fun. Next time I’ll just ignore it, lest I be duped by ingenious satire.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:01 pmP.S. You can still have your beer, though. I’m sure you’re the swell guy you claim to be. And peace again.
Here’s a movie satire article of my own. Thought you guys might like it:
Michel Gondry Declared ‘Sick of creativity’- Signs on to direct McConaughey movie
Visionary french director Michel Gondry stated in an interview with Variety that he is “sick of creativity and whimsy”. When asked why, Gondry said “Hey, I’ve been making high-concept comedies and music videos for the better part of a decade now. Now I just want to make some goddamn money. I mean, “Be Kind, Rewind” barely made a profit and most of my other movies were unsuccesful in the Box Office. A guy’s got to eat, right?”
So, the director ,famous for his endlessly inventive comedy-dramas, has signed on to direct an upcoming Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy, “Volleyballs”; the movie is about a beach volleyball star(McConaughey) who loses his memory after being spiked in the head and has to choose between two women who are both claiming to be his fiance’: Alexandra(Carmen Electra), a sexpot who only wants him for his money, and Janet(Kate Hudson), his real finance’ who also happens to be a sports writer.
“Volleyballs” is unique in that it is the first movie to have had its screenplay written entirely by a computer. The Box960 Auto-Writing Supercomputer was developed by 20th Century Fox during the WGA strike so the studio could save money on screenwriters. All signs point to “Volleyballs” grossing much more at the box office than the last project Gondry was considering, an as of yet untitled black comedy about a dystopian future where the totalitarian government tries and fails to keep up with all of the lies it has told the citizens about their leaders. The screenplay was written by Andrew Niccol.
Also on Gondry’s schedule is “Spend Moot, Reboot”, a sequel to “Be Kind, Rewind” about two friends (played by Phil Lamarr and Horatio Sanz) who decide to take the movie-making business by storm with a no-budget remake of “Be Kind, Rewind”. Gondry will executive produce and possibly make a cameo appearance as himself.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:20 pmKevin, someone once said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”
I’m going to take that saying to heart. So when I repeat that saying to other people, I’ll just say, “Brevity!”
August 28th, 2008 at 6:34 pmDammit. I really wanted to find fault with this, but I can’t. High-larious!
August 28th, 2008 at 7:48 pmThanks kev, next time I have trouble sleeping, I’ll just take that to bed with me. Not everyone has that kind of “humor” that you seem to treasure so much. Besides you’re wasting your time trying to tell Rod how to write, who do you think he’s gonna listen too? All the people that come in and praise his work (which I do think is quite creative and hilarious) or you, an obnoxious twat trying to create a new disciple for yourself because you don’t think his work is up to your standards. Please stop wasting your time and because you’re just pissing everybody off and not really making any difference.
@Rod,
August 28th, 2008 at 8:46 pmOnce again I’m blown away. I found some plot holes too, but I didn’t think you would be able to exploit them so well and with so much humor. Great job as always and don’t do Cloverfield next…that joke was funny the first time, but now it seems a bit dragged out, no offense meant to anyone out there. Cheers.
I hope everyone is enjoying this influx of nerd banter, as it’s going to start all over again when Watchmen comes out.
If.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:53 pmYou know what, guys. We’re taking all of the fun out of these comments to confront this idiot Kevin. So I propose a top ten list of your favorite quotes from Rod’s script. Here’s mine.
10)
GARY OLDMAN
Alright, I’ll go along with your plan to protect Eckhart’s reputation, somehow looking past the fact that he nearly just shot my son in the fucking face.
9)
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
I can go to Christian Bale’s penthouse. It’s the safest place in Chicago right now.
AARON ECKHART
The place where I almost got killed by Heath Ledger and you got thrown out of a window? Maybe you should hide on some subway tracks instead.
8)
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah, I kinda had to use up all of the regular decks of cards in the city to stuff the judge’s car full of jokers. Took fucking hours.
7)
GARY OLDMAN
We may be inept, but at least we don’t steal our dastardly plots from “Superman: The Movie.” Get your nose out of Gene Hackman’s ass.
6)
HEATH LEDGER
Actually the police here are so incredibly inept that I am able to take their failure for granted in my grand scheme. Not that I look like the kind of guy that makes plans or anything.
5)
GARY OLDMAN
Hmm. You know, we could probably just blame everything on Heath Ledger, since he murdered like 500 other people during the movie.
4)
HEATH LEDGER
Look, you don’t want to kill me for murdering her. You want to kill everyone else for failing to stop me from murdering her!
3)
HEATH LEDGER
Huh. You didn’t seem to have a problem letting Liam Neeson die in the last movie, and all he did was blow up your house. I guess you loved your mansion more than Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don’t blame you, honestly.
2)
BAT-BALE
Oh no, dogs! Batman’s one true weakness!
1)
BAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
August 28th, 2008 at 10:27 pmYeah… about that…
[...] http://www.the-editing-room.com/thedarkknight.html [...]
August 29th, 2008 at 1:40 amGood stuff and you pointed out all of the big faults with the movie. That said, I also laughed at the hilarious comments posted by some of Earth’s finest retards of society. I mean jesus christ who the hell would want a Neo-vs-Smith Burly Brawl reenactment on the Streets between Batman and Joker?
August 29th, 2008 at 4:05 amOh no, dogs! And they’re playing poker!
August 29th, 2008 at 5:15 amTrying to break up the rabble rabble on here.
I loved this movie, but it’s not the greatest thing ever, there are better things in life. Like chocolate…and orgasms, perhaps.
Yeah, the movie isn’t entirely plausible, but that movie was the first movie that I actually wanted to see. I get dragged to shit like Shrek 3. But there’s still retarded moments in the Dark Knight. And Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, that fucking Bat voice.
But I still love the movie, I love this site, and I love this script.
In a platonic way only.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:42 amNote to self: check ID before offering beer.
Paul Chapel: You make a good point. Almost wasn’t worth my time, but had to get it off my chest.
Good list: for me, honorable mention would be:
MICHAEL CAINE
Subtle. Did you want to go kiss Kirsten Dunst upside down in the rain, too?
But a top-ten all-time would be a good topic, too. The scripts for Being John Malkovich and The Happening were especially good.
Need a generic comments section for that one, I guess.
One last note to Kevin (can’t help it): being 17 doesn’t preclude someone from writing well. But your comments and your writing sample show immaturity and a tendency to try too hard. Comedy is hard to get right. You need some more practice and a healthy dose of humility. You need to be seeking advice from guys like Rod, not presuptuously offering it. Listen and learn.
And if you’re actually older and just being “satirical”, then you really have no excuse.
All right, I’m done. I promise.
And I also liked the line where Morgan Freeman told Bat-Bale to “shoot this motherfucker.”
August 29th, 2008 at 8:28 amAlso, Dave, being older than 17 doesn’t give you a monopoly on talent.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:50 amJust ignore the troll.
I think this script has received more comments then any other.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:38 amNevermind seems people commented a lot on Indiana Jones.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:40 amI would go along with your plan Paul Chapel, but I have no idea how to properly post comments and if I learned how to that would just be an admission of my stupidity.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:12 pmKevin, in your mind… are you winning?
August 29th, 2008 at 12:43 pmGod, look at all the comments. I knew this would happen. Controversy city.
Anyway, great script as usual – I think you pretty much covered everything! I enjoy the longer ones, and this one was not disappointing. Hilarious.
TBH, I think criticizing the “good” movies results in better scripts than pointing out the obvious defects in “bad” ones, but maybe that’s just me… Personally, I thought TDK was okay, but actually not as good as Batman Begins. *shrug*
August 29th, 2008 at 1:01 pm49Sean C Says:
Do you think Gyllenhaal ever said to Ledger: “So, you fucked my brother…”
I didn’t consider that…adds to the funny.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:30 pm(why I’m going to hell) That’s probably what pushed heath over the edege.
Sean C:
Laughing my ass off at your last post. I can’t believe that connection didn’t occur to me. I think it’s because, no matter how hard I looked at him, I couldn’t see Heath Ledger, only The Joker. It was that possessed of a performance, IMO.
Did anyone ever think, as I used to, that Maggie was really hot? Back in the day: Secretary, Mona Lisa Smile, etc. I mean, damn…
Anyone have an opinion on who you would have rather had in the role? (Guess it’s moot since she blew up.)
August 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pmYou know, I have to give special mention to this line:
HEATH LEDGER
So it’s finally here. Me at one end of a Chicago street, you at the other. The epic battle between good and evil, teased in every advertisement for the movie! This is going to be awesome.
Of course, it only works because of the nothing that comes after, but it epitomizes everything I hated about this movie. All set-up and no follow through. I find that I’m more engaged when the hero is actually in trouble. Batman never seemed to be in trouble in this movie, even when he gets ganged up on by dogs.
I mean, Jesus, dogs! COME ON! And people think this is some sort of masterpiece? Really? I got more thrills out of movies like Speed and The Matrix and those movies starred Keanu Reeves, for Christ’s sake!
August 29th, 2008 at 2:57 pm@Matt, who said: “Kevin, in your mind… are you winning?”
Kevin doesn’t want to win. He’s an agent of chaos. He just does things.
Holy crap, I just broke my own rule, but I couldn’t help it. Fits perfectly.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:01 pmDo Disaster Movie next!
August 29th, 2008 at 4:54 pm@ Paul Chapel
August 29th, 2008 at 5:59 pmHey the dogs worked in the Hulk…
wait…no they didn’t
JB:
August 29th, 2008 at 7:55 pmToo easy.
I loved this movie
August 30th, 2008 at 12:40 am“Did anyone ever think, as I used to, that Maggie was really hot? Back in the day: Secretary, Mona Lisa Smile, etc. I mean, damn…”
Back in the day? That was like four years ago, wasn’t it? =P
I lolled at certain bits of the script, mostly flaws I’d picked out myself like the whole anti-climax with the Joker at the party, but tbh, I still love this movie to the point where I will follow it anywhere =P
August 30th, 2008 at 6:47 amI loved The Dark Knight. I loved this script because it pointed out the foibles of the movie.
All good, man!
August 30th, 2008 at 10:47 amI’ve got a line you could add:
HEATH LEDGER: So what’s your secret?
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: You mean to how I get roles? Well, see, Heath Ledger and my brother Jake…
HEATH LEDGER: No, you don’t follow me. This movie seems to imply that anyone who gets horrible facial scars immediately becomes an insane mass murderer, as in the case of both main villains. So what happened to your face between movies, and how come you’re still mentally stable?
MAGGIE opens her tiny mouth and turns up her pug-nose so that the lights once again highlight the enormous bags under her eyes.
I know everyone doesn’t like Katie Holmes because she married Tom Cruise, but at least I could look at her without gagging. And Maggie was just as bad at acting as Katie, so I see no advantages anywhere… Still, at least it made it so I didn’t care when she died. I always hate it when they kill the pretty ones.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:28 pmWow, longest script ever. Well done, Rod.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:48 pmExcellent as ever Rod. Loved this line, just so caustic:
BAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah… about that…
August 31st, 2008 at 2:04 amGood script man. You picked up on a lot of things I wondered about. One thing though, when Batman saved the Joker he actually kicked him off the building. That would have been killing him. With Ra’s, letting the train go would be different. I hope you see what I mean, if you don’t that’s fine. The line about Heath not being in the next film killed me, although the fangirls probably started crying.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:25 amI found this site when you wrote the script for Juno, Rod. That was the most dead-on, perfect mocking of a terrible movie. As I started to read the other scripts I found many great ones, but I started to notice that you pointed out flaws in movies that were actually explained in the movie, and there were a lot of other parts of movies that you didn’t seem to “get”. Unfortunately, every script since Juno has been filled with these, I don’t know if you’re trying too hard or what lately, but just to point out all the misconceptions in this script, I would have to write a page longer than the script itself. The fact that there are a ton of people commenting who don’t notice these flaws is sad. Here are just a few:
“puts a smoke grenade in WILLIAM FICHTNER’S mouth for no reason” – um, the smoke was clearly gas that would knock him out, causing him to be unable to hold the lever shut with his mouth, causing the grenade to blow his head off in a dramatic, sick, demented way to show how sick the Joker is.
“but how are we going to resolve the issue of Heath still terrorizing your party guests upstairs?”
With Harvey Dent already gone, and batman already showing up, the Joker obviously took that window to get the hell out of there.
“As soon as I get out of these surprisingly strong bandages, I’m going to kill you!”
Those weren’t bandages, those were restraints, designed so to exactly what they did, Gordon had already established that he was acting nuts, so the staff put him in the restraints.
My point is, if you’re going to point out the flaws in movies, make sure they are actually flaws first.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:46 pmBrabble frabble gloob glop.
I cried to this one Rod. Real tears, the works. All in the good way.
An epic and outstanding script to match an epic and outstanding movie. Thank you.
Comments thread has been pretty entertaining too…
August 31st, 2008 at 5:41 pmglad to be entertaining you, Sir Artisan
August 31st, 2008 at 5:48 pmnice script
anyone else think The Joker’s MO was a little bit “Project Mayhem”?
+ LOL @ ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL reference
August 31st, 2008 at 11:49 pmI was re-reading your script, and the comments section, for the gazillionth time, and laughing, also for the gazillionth time, when something possessed me to google “brabble frabble gloob glop”. It turns out this schmuck posted your script on his blog, and didn’t even have the decency to give you credit. Here’s the link http://drinkmymilkshake.wordpress.com/2008/08/29/the-dark-knight-the-abridged-script/
and here’s what the schmuck said: “The following is a parody script I got from somewhere and it is freaking hilarious!”
Well, at least he admits to the script being hillarious. But i didn’t know your middle name was Somewhere, Rod!
September 1st, 2008 at 10:55 amhttp://www.the-editing-room.com/thedarkknight.html
Luckily, the schmuck left a link to the source.
Oh and to MikeD, lay off Rod’s balls, k? You try writing 204 scripts with people nagging you on when you will finish the Cloverfield script, while some other people are telling you not to post other scripts like Doomsday.
Fuck, I really wanted that script.
September 1st, 2008 at 5:19 pm@ MikeD: Just to make a point here, but you criticise Rod for “not getting things” and then fabricate a motivation for the grenade in Fichtner’s mouth that I simply did not see there, nor on reflection do I. As far as i could tell, Fichtner was supposed to believe there was a live grenade in his mouth and expect his head to be blown off. It turns out to be a smoke grenade. The Joker was screwing with him. If we both read different things into this scene then it’s hardly fair to call Rod for doing the same.
@ Kevin Klawitter, the logical one: You shouldn’t be glad to be entertaining me Kev, not in the way you have been.
September 1st, 2008 at 5:21 pmTo Artisan, Dave, and the rest of the Rod Hilton fanboys out there:
You should realize that your opinion and the opinion of others like you cannot be relied upon. This is because you have proven time and time again that no matter what people like me and MikeD say, no matter what points we make, you will defend Rod until the end. That means you don’t have an objective opinion.
Now you might say that I don’t have an objective opinion. That’s true. I’ve already decided my opinion, as both a movie lover and a semiprofessional satirist. After reading Rod’s abridged screenplays for Juno, Zodiac, A Beautiful Mind, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Iron Man, and also by sending and recieving Emails from Rod himself, I have decided to dislike this site. Since I haven’t liked any of his previous screenplays, I took to reading this one with a massive grain of salt.
Now for all we know, MikeD DOES have an objective opinion. Heck, he might be a fan who was disappointed by Rod’s mangling of a masterpiece. That would make his statements even more relevant, correct?
Just giving you guys some food for thought.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:53 pmIt’s kind of funny how Kevin has criticized me for my ’satire’ not being very subtle. He claims I spell things out for people, which he feels insults them.
But then when I make more subtle jokes, and people like MikeD don’t understand them, I get attacked for not ‘getting’ something, and Kevin of all people hops on board (because he is desperate).
MikeD, you point out 3 things I say which indicate that I did not ‘get’ the movie. I’m going to discuss the third one – the ’surprisingly strong bandages’.
This is the most subtle criticism you mention. I know he’s in restraints. It’s obvious he is in restraints. He is either in restraints for one of two reasons: he was tied down so he can be moved, but the hospital employee that was set to move him was killed by the Joker, leaving him tied down. If this is the case, then yes his restraints are surprisingly strong. As you point out, the other reason is that Gordon warns the hospital, who then ties Dent down. If this is the case, Gordon is an asshole, because all Dent has done at this point was yell “Say it!” in kind of an evil-sounding voice. Having him be tied up for this is a total overreaction.
The point I’m making is that Dent shouldn’t be restrained at this point in the story, since he’s not evil, just badly burned and in need of a hospital stay. Thus, I refer to his restraints as “surprisingly strong bandages” in order to point out the silliness of having him in restraints in the hospital at all. It’s a joke. It’s obviously not funny now, since I’ve had to explain it, but it was written as a joke, a somewhat subtle joke criticizing the movie for inconsistently characterizing Dent.
I also want to point out, MikeD says that the Juno script was great, but every script since then has glossed over details to point out flaws. I want to illustrate that every script before Juno (and including Juno) has done this as well. When I skip over details, I’m pointing out that the movie did a bad job of working those details into the story.
From the Juno script: “ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend OLIVIA.”
As you can see here, I completely glossed over the whole fingernail thing. I made it appear as though Juno just ran out of the abortion clinic for no reason at all. Why didn’t you mention this as a criticism that is clearly explained in the movie (using fingernails)?
The real answer is that you didn’t like Juno, but I want to point out that your criticism of the other scripts apply just as well in this case. And just to ruin the joke, I’m going to explain it as well. The fingernail thing seemed forced into the plot. Diablo Cody had a writing conundrum when writing Juno. On the one hand, Juno needed to be a progressive, hip character, which meant she couldn’t have any sort of bible-based moral opposition to abortion. On the other hand, she needed to have a reason to keep the baby for the movie to exist. What Diablo did to get around this was come up with a quirky, somewhat immature reason for Juno to keep the baby, drawing attention to the character in a consistent manner while still moving the plot forward. This fingernail justification was, in my opinion, a forced plot contrivance. In order to criticize how forced it was, I pretended that it wasn’t part of the movie at all, and instead called Juno’s leaving ’sudden’.
As you can see (I hope), when I gloss over details I’m generally doing it for a reason. Sometimes I legitimately miss a detail, but more often than not I’m glossing over the detail intentionally to make a point. This is ’subtlety’ and I hear Klawitter is a big fan of it (except when I use it).
And just so we’re all on the same page:
guy who trolls the Sean Hannity message board = ’semiprofessional satirist’
guy who gets paid to write satire for magazines = stupid asshole
Right?
I’m probably going to close comments on this post soon, since this is getting overrun with stupid. Make your final attack on how shitty I am soon.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:17 amKevin, the self delegated logical one wrote: “… I have decided to dislike this site.”
Decided? An emotion? Did you also decide to no longer like chocolate ice cream and will hence forward like raspberry sherbert?
If you had written “I came to this site, disliked what I read, decided to post my opinion and then decided to no longer read any of the scripts”, then that would have made perfect sense. Maybe that’s what you meant. But for you to sit there, claim to be ‘logical’ and then make a statement like you did? That’s not logical; that’s delusional.
Hey Rod, thanks for the insights into your writing! I had always assumed that the stuff you left out was more of a “I didn’t care one way or the other about this so skipped over it” sort of thing. But most of the scripts are to movies I’ve never seen (although some I’ve caught on HBO) so I didn’t really have a basis.
Have you thought about doing Clov- … wait! forget I said that! ;) Here’s to looking forward to the next Hollywood debacle and the fun we’ll be getting out of it when it appears here!
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:20 amI think it was Twain or Swift who coined the term “fanboy”.
Talk about desperate.
Kevin, you shouldn’t accuse me of lacking the capacity for independent thought. You wouldn’t like me when I’ve been accused of lacking the capacity for independent thought.
Criticism is good, when it’s good criticism. You have gotten special attention here only because of your mind-blowingly arrogant yet inept attempt to criticize Rod.
Your mouth has been writing checks your brain can’t cash, son. I wash my hands of you.
As for the abridged script, I wanted to throw something else out there: I loved the movie, and I love Michael Caine, but his sage advice and commentary was starting to get laid on a bit thick.
It was like: all right, all right, you’re the film’s conscience here, the wise one, but after a while it was almost as if he was walking up to people and opening up fortune cookies.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:29 amRe: the bandages:
I figured they were there to keep him from scratching at his itchy-but-exposed skin. Typically burn patients are restrained so they don’t scratch at/infect their wounds, no? I hear it itches terribly.
I actaully think that the bandages were not a plot point in this case. I could be wrong.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 amBob:
Could be, but Dent wasn’t restrained when Gordon visited him, so I dunno.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:22 amThat’s what I thought too, random bob. Often patients are given restraints or “mittens” that make it difficult for them to mess with the IV, bandages, or anything else they might want to remove. It didn’t seem that weird to me, though if they weren’t there with Gordon then it’s definitely confusing. Maybe he started itching after Gordon left and they restrained him? =P. I think that’s a bit too detailed for the movie to go into though.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:34 amWhat fun we’ve had in this thread. It’s sad that there’s not another film coming out that will generate this sort of response until Watchmen shits on all of us next spring.
Rod, SO shitty. Excellent shitty job, as always. You’re the shittiest.
Kevin, someday you’ll learn that “objectivity” isn’t the same thing as “agreeing with everything you say”. Until that time, enjoy disgracing yourself on the wubs.
Everyone else, cheers. See you next script.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:11 pmFarethee well, Rod Hilton and co. I see I’m not welcome here.
Dissention, I found out, is not tolerated here, and intelligence is not necessarily required if you want to stop it. All you have to do is describe the dissenter with cuss word and people will gather behind you, forming a veritable stampede of sheep.
So farewell, I will no longer post here.
Oh, but before I go, here are some more tidbits for you guys
Just because somebody gets paid to do comedy doesn’t mean they are better than somebody who doesn’t. I can easily prove this by pointing out the existence of “Mad TV” and “Disaster Movie”.
Also, Rod, if you really want to piss me off, I absolutely LOVED “In Bruges”. Mangling it and taking it out of context in your usual style might finally push me off the deep end.
I also feel tempted to quote one of Rod’s E-mails where he says he feels no need to improve his quality of writing, but he’d either say I was taking that out of context or deny he ever wrote it. So I won’t even bother mentioning it.
Bye!
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pmDon’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:25 pm… So…
Who wants a highball?
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:03 am“What fun we’ve had in this thread. It’s sad that there’s not another film coming out that will generate this sort of response…”
Rod, you should just start posting random shit in-between scripts just so that we have something to talk about.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:24 amNice script.
I only hoped you would highlight Maggie’s Final Speech getting interrupted.
And yeah, Two Face’s face…couldn’t they have just drawn burn scars?
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:46 amYou are a genius. Not only it is funny, but you also managed to point out the very weaknesses of the screenplay in a very clear way.
I would add a couple of things:
When Heath Ledger first encounters Maggie Gyllenhaal at the party, he could say (apart from what you actually wrote, which is hilarious): “Hey, come here. I think I already fucked your brother”.
Then, when Heath Ledger is at the police station and they try to find out who he is by taking DNA samples, dental plaques, fingerprints… but they just don’t think of washing his face in case someone recognises him.
In the end, what about the people on the ferries not killing each other? That was so unbelievable!
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:22 pmI guess SOME of the clown makeup had gotten tattooed on?
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:58 pmHEATH kills the BUS DRIVER, puts a smoke grenade in WILLIAM FICHTNER’S mouth for no reason….
Not sure if this was already mentioned, and since im too lazy to look through all the posts, ill say it anyway….
Smoke grenades burn incredibly hot (somebody let one off at a school dance a bunch of years ago, and a guy tried to pick it up and burned the shit out of his hands) and if it was in your mouth, i guess you’d get some pretty serious scarring, not unlike the joker. but his hands weren’t bound or anything and he’d have a few seconds to take it out before that happened.
just.. a guess?
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:57 pm“Meanwhile, HEATH LEDGER escapes police custody using brabble frabble gloob glop.”
Can someone please explain this one to me, I don’t understand.
September 4th, 2008 at 7:10 amDude. I love the script but
BAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah… about that…
that aint cool man. RIP Heath Ledger
September 4th, 2008 at 8:06 amTank. What Rod is pointing out with ‘Meanwhile, HEATH LEDGER escapes police custody using brabble frabble gloob glop’ is how ridiculous his escape is, due to an exploding phone stuck in someone’s stomach. Personally I thought that was very clever and very fitting of the jokers twisted frame of mind but I can see how some people wouldn’t be satisfied with that. Hope that clears it up for you.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:08 amThanks spellmage. I kind of thought that’s what he meant but I thought maybe it could be some kind of inside joke that I didn’t know.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:43 amThat was the best script in a long time. Two-Face DID look like the Toxic Avenger, but no one seemed to acknowledge how over-the-top the makeup was.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:05 pmI liked how Harvey spoke clearly after having his lips burnt off, and didn’t go into shock from infection after about two hours.
Also QUICK CUTS QUICK CUTS QUICK CUTS
September 4th, 2008 at 2:49 pmErr…I don’t get the “are you on good terms with your sister?” part.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:52 pmBale’s sister told him that Michael Keaton was a better Batman and so he gave her five across the eyes.
September 4th, 2008 at 11:29 pmAnyone want to race to 200?
September 5th, 2008 at 11:11 amI love/hate this movie. Reading the script was a great pleasure! I’m glad someone else thinks Maggie Gyllenhaal is a butterface–I almost died laughing when the Joker said he had a wife as beautiful as her. Heath Ledger is the greatest Joker ever . . . this movie would be almost unwatchable if not for him. It’s too bad he won’t be around to reprise the role.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:28 amthey will have to find someone better then
September 5th, 2008 at 4:19 pmHahahahahaha. Brilliant. Specially the part of the dogs.
September 6th, 2008 at 12:00 amThe two-face burn make-up was completely ridiculous! It just looked silly! He had exposed tendons! The most heinous breach of credulity, however, was the mysterious, unsupported, eyeball which somehow failed to melt in the burning explosive fire of firey pain!
September 6th, 2008 at 1:16 amWow, thanks Sean, now I can’t stop laughing at both that AND the script.
Ya think Bale would take criticism better.
September 6th, 2008 at 3:28 pm@ Matt:
YOU’RE ON!
September 6th, 2008 at 9:31 pmI’M WINNING
September 7th, 2008 at 9:05 am[...] read Rod Hilton’s The Dark Knight – The Abridged Script, I am definitely leaving the cave to watch it on the big [...]
September 7th, 2008 at 11:19 amKevin Klawitter sort of reminded me of that guy they got to replace Robin Williams when he gets kicked off his radio show in Good Morning Vietnam. He knows he’s funny and he also knows Robin Williams isn’t (although I guess I gotta kind of side with him on that one these days). When he goes on the air I remember everyone hated him because he sucked real hard, and someone sent in some hate mail for him that said ‘eat a bag of shit’. Most amusing.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:22 amARE NOT
September 7th, 2008 at 3:30 pmSean is joking, all that is referring to is when Bale got charged with beating his sister and mother. He didn’t actually do it, they stopped the charges due to lack of evidence. It was nothing to do with him hearing that Keaton was better. And if somebody told me Keaton was a better actor than me I would turn them to pulp.
September 7th, 2008 at 3:35 pmALMOST THERE
September 7th, 2008 at 6:54 pmYeah, let’s make it to 200! Then this will be the most drawn out comments thread since Titanic! Batman has no limits!!
(Somebody shoot me)
September 7th, 2008 at 8:07 pmBang.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:08 pmCouldn’t have timed that better ;)
September 7th, 2008 at 8:13 pmAll our lives have meaning now.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:17 pm[...] read this script, it’s funny, and it points out all the GLARING plot holes in the [...]
September 8th, 2008 at 9:11 am…race to 300?
j/k
September 8th, 2008 at 1:22 pm@ tank
You’re on!
September 8th, 2008 at 3:42 pmLet’s just hope Rod doesn’t get bored with our nonsense and close the comments section.
For the record, the actor playing the mayor wasn’t actually wearing eyeliner- his eyes are just naturally dark like that.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:43 pmThe two-face burn make-up was completely ridiculous!
Hmmm… I’m thinking that somewhere along the way, people got that idea that being more disturbing is the same as being more realistic.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:54 pm“Honestly, why were you buying drugs from a guy with a potato sack on his head?”
This made me laugh really really hard for like 5 minutes.
I love you.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:32 am@ SaintAndy
Don’t worry about that. I planned on closing the comments at post 199 just to be an asshole, but I got distracted and when I came back to the computer there were 201 posts, so I gave up.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:02 amProcrastinators: Leaders of Tomorrow
September 9th, 2008 at 7:33 am300, here we come!!11!!1!
;-)
September 9th, 2008 at 8:56 am—
Jim Says:
For the record, the actor playing the mayor wasn’t actually wearing eyeliner- his eyes are just naturally dark like that.
—
So, what is he? Egyptian? Hell, even most black people don’t have black skin there. A google image search will yield numerous pictures of him without the eyeliner.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:05 amThis comment is completely useless (as many others around here) and serves only to help reaching 300 comments. Use at will Rod (also it might be deleted and no one will know it existed, read the disclaimer below).
DISCLAIMER: Read meeee!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 11:04 amSENSE: I’m outta here.
LOGIC: …I already left the building.
Iron man sucks donkey you know whats
September 9th, 2008 at 1:17 pmThis movie is untouchable. These scripts usually highlight how ridiculous a movie is, but since there was so little wrong with this movie, there was really nothing you could do.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:36 pmAt 300, I dare someone to say “This…Is…SPARTA!!!” That would be, like, really funny.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:03 pmOr not.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:04 pm“Rod Hilton Says:
@ SaintAndy
Don’t worry about that. I planned on closing the comments at post 199 just to be an asshole, but I got distracted and when I came back to the computer there were 201 posts, so I gave up.”
OMG, Rod Hilton replied to my reply! Woo-hoo, my life has finally meaning!! But seriously, Rod, your assholyness is needed elsewhere, namely, in the delivery of sarcastically coined scripts for the enjoyment of your countless devoted fans … And maybe you want to collect a paycheck every now and then..
Can hardly wait for your next script … Could you possibly do Tropic Thunder in the near future? Everybody was raving about how funny it was … but that is questionable, to say the least.
Once more … Woo-hoo!
September 9th, 2008 at 3:08 pmThe length of the thread only highlights what a shitty end of summer this is for entertainment. Rod, I know you’re not busy or anything trying to please your fanboys with the next great script; get on that, willya?
September 10th, 2008 at 8:42 pmthis is seriously the most overrated movie of the past ten years. It was an OK movie, but nothing special.
I think this script could have gone on a little longer, but still nice work Rod.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:12 amNeed … new … script … Might .. die .. otherwise ..
September 11th, 2008 at 11:40 amSeriously, i think it’s actually possible to go into withdrawal! Rod Hilton has turned us all into addicts!
Uh ohs – the spambots have decided to show up.
SHUT ‘ER DOWN!
September 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pmOK kind of nitpicking, but…
Did anyone else feel like the batsuit in this installment, well, sucked? It made bale look like a starship trooper more than “batman.” The suit in the first one gave hime a real “Bat-Man” look. It looked fearsome. This one looked like it belonged in G.I. Joe or something. Sort of made him look like he had an unnaturally-large head.
Hey I said it was nitpicking. But I don’t care how hot the suit was – shit, make the new one look like the old but out of different materials if it’s a bitch to wear. But don’t make Batman a damn Cobra, knuckleheads…
September 11th, 2008 at 8:26 pmGood movie, better script. The movie did a good job of hiding most of those flaws though, save Two-Face’s “development…”
HEATH LEDGER
September 12th, 2008 at 8:21 amLook, you don’t want to kill me for murdering her. You want to kill everyone else for failing to stop me from murdering her!
I do agree with you Bob, in a way. But I do think they went that way because he was going to face a little more combat and danger than in the first. And it would be pretty hard in a nearly one piece hard rubber suit.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:33 amThank you for telling it like it is. Ledge died. That sucks. He was really the only glimmer on this god-for0saken T-U-R-D of a movie. I was expecting this to be really good b/c the first one told a good story, stressed the development of the protag, used humor and dialogue effectively, and was thoughtfully polished through and through. I thought….hey…add the Joker to that already impressive feat and you could have something classic. Wrong wrong wrong. This movie was bad. They tried to accomplish way too much way too soon. Eckhart’s did the best he could with that role but what can you do when the script takes you from White Night to MPD psycho-revenge boy in about 5 minutes. Why oh why must they always try to force Two-Face into these movies. Remember Tommy Lee Jones as two face. Yeah…campy craptasticness. Some comic book characters don’t need to be transmogrified into feature film characters. There were just too many inplausible and downright idiotic circumstances in this movie. Willing suspension of disbelief is par for the course when it comes to cinema…I understand that. Whatev. Another abyssmal summer of movies. Hopefully “Burn After Reading” will get the taste of Nolan’s turd out of my mouth.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:37 pmJust pushing along to 300…tho it seems like its kinda dying out now…guess i’m really bored.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:15 pmbob, I’ve had this same discussion with a few other people. The thing that makes the Nolan films better than any that have come before is they show how Batman does what he does, in a more realistic manner. You would have to be a billionaire to afford everything he does, and in order to do what he does, physically, you would need that sort of iron man robocop type of suit.
And at least he doesn’t have nipples.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:33 amOh come on…
Everyone has nipples :-)
Yeah I get all that, but my thing is: the first suit was kevlar-reinforced, blah blah blah… And honestly I didn’t care about the specifics of the suit, my critique was that it LOOKED retarded compared to the first one. The suit in the first movie had the LOOK that simply conjured up fear; he LOOKED like a Bat-Man.
The suit in this film looked like G.I. Joe with a Cape & corny Helmet. They could have “modified” the old suit to “suit” his needs, but have retained the overall feel of the original, which gave a more badass appearance.
Hey I said it was a shallow critique to begin with, OK? yeah I’m skin deep ;-)
September 13th, 2008 at 9:28 amAnd I’ve read that one of the driving forces behind the suit change was that the original was hot to work in and they’re babies in Hollywood. So let’s put this in perspective:
They made MILLIONS of $$$. And they can’t seem to put up with a damn suit they don’t like for a handful of months?
Boo hoo
September 13th, 2008 at 9:56 amAt least this time around, Bale’s fat face didn’t poke out of the mask.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:40 amHoly sweet christ! Looking through these comments does everybody just want to complain? Jesus, The Dark Knight was a fantastic movie, don’t try and force shit on it. Five hundred million dollars, that is the only information that is fucking important. So shut up about ’shitty’ suits, and just accept a good movie when it comes out. God it’s people like you lot that ruin my experience of these movies. I loved this movie, nuff said!
September 14th, 2008 at 5:36 amI will admit that Bale’s bat-voice was a little annoying, couldn’t he have used Christian Slater’s voice disguiser in ‘Pump up the volume’ that made his voice sound the same to us but totally different to the main characters.
September 14th, 2008 at 7:39 amStill…Film of the Year in my opinion.
@ Sean C
And fuck your opinion.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:03 am@Spellmage – $500M could just mean there are a bunch of retards out there with too much money to burn. Gross does not equal quality.
Also, for the most part I felt like this rattletrap, lumbering dirge was forcing shit on ME, not the other way around. I agree with the comments about the suit – just one more instance of Nolan stripping out anything that would have made this Batman movie feel like it was a movie about, um, Batman.
September 14th, 2008 at 12:08 pm@ anonymous
:(
September 14th, 2008 at 2:45 pm“Five hundred million dollars, that is the only information that is fucking important.”
September 14th, 2008 at 3:50 pmNo, the MOVIE is what’s important about the movie. The MOVIE was mediocre, and overrated. I suppose you also believe the Jonas Brothers are a fantastic band because they’re popular?
@Matt.
Bunch of retards out there with too much money to burn?
Just because you did not like this movie, does not mean you can go around slanging someone who did. What an arrogant fucking bastard. But then this whole site is filled with idiots like you, who nobody gives fuck about. Idiots acting as if what they say…matters. lol
September 15th, 2008 at 2:08 amIdiots like you, yes! Just because you did like this movie does not mean you can go around slagging someone who did not! See how easy that was to turn around? Now cut it out.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:01 pmYES! More of this nonsense arguing and we just might reach 300.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:19 pmdark knight was awesome.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:07 amthis was shit.
@Ravikant: My point, as if I really needed to explain it, was that there are PLENTY of high-grossing films whose scripts I wouldn’t use to wipe my ass. Thanks for the thoughtful contribution, though. Mouth breather.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:44 amStupid flame wars like these are great for padding post counts.
Oh I mean
+1
September 16th, 2008 at 9:03 amGARY OLDMAN
Please don’t hurt my family. I know you’re trying to establish a major character shift in like five minutes, but still, this is pretty unbelievable.
Yeah, why the fuck did he go after Gordon’s family? What the hell is he getting revenge for?
And am I the only one who thinks that they implied that the police just killed the Joker on the spot when they closed that scene with a shot of their guns pointed at him? I know that it was probably originally a generic shot of a SWAT team with its guns pointed forward, but it was probably the most convenient way to edit that scene.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:18 amAnd am I the only one who thinks that they implied that the police just killed the Joker on the spot when they closed that scene with a shot of their guns pointed at him?
Yes
September 16th, 2008 at 9:37 amAnd you know what else? Did anyone really take a good look at the typeface they used for the Credits? How god-awful, huh?
I mean come on, This is BATMAN, couldn’t they have at least attempted something like Baskerville Old Face or something?
How lame
:-P
September 16th, 2008 at 1:08 pm@random bob: You win.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:16 pmi guess iam the only one who loved this script and also liked the movie,,but i didnt like the part when heath said yeah about that,,,when the were talking about him showing up in the next batman i mean its rude ,,but i respect everyone and their opinion,,
September 16th, 2008 at 8:10 pm@ Jason,
Harvey had been warning Gordon about the crooked cops in his unit all along, which were ignored. Eventually, it were those two crooked cops that capture Harvey and Rachel, that lead to his scarring and her death.
Obviously, Harvey blames Gordon for both those things, and wants revenge. The hospital scene says it all…
Gordon: Harvey, I need to know which of my men I can trust
September 16th, 2008 at 11:20 pmHarvey: Why would you listen to me now?
Gordon: I’m sorry
Harvey: No you’re not, NOT YET
Humorous script. Bat Physics Violator – LOL!!!
Didn’t get the “Clown makeup” reference tho – can anybody explain?
Also…
September 16th, 2008 at 11:41 pmThe reason Batman dosen’t save Ducard is because Ducard’s apparent death was not a result of Batman’s direct action. Where as here, Batman actually throws Joker off the balcony, so he’d be directly responsible for Mr J’s death. I can not come to terms with how they let Batman kill Dent tho :(
I just wanted to jump in and say how much I agree with comment #223. The new suit DID make him have a really fat head. It looked dumb, even if he could “move it.”
I wasn’t a big fan of the new suit either.
Yay for nitpicking and post padding!
September 17th, 2008 at 8:30 am@bob: You read the credits?…
September 17th, 2008 at 8:46 am@Jason Hendrix
Oh hell yeah you are. SWAT keeps their weapons trained on the bad guy until they’re secured.
249 GET.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:39 amDamn it, these used to be actually funny.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:30 pmNow its just “Look, a flaw.”
I wonder if these arguments can possibly get any stupider.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:36 pmYes they can.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:58 amYes, yes they can. Example:
Who the hell picked out the mayor’s shoes? What a silly choice! I don’t believe for ONE second that an eyeliner-wearing Mayor of a MAJOR city would chose those style loafers. Un-fucking-believable.
Dammit, between the shoes & the credit typeface, I propose a boycott. I think they should reshoot the WHOLE MOVIE and fix those two issues.
While they’re at it, they could also do something about the near-omnipotence of the Joker re: his “Master Plan.” Maybe rethink the absurdity of it all.
But yeah, definitely the shoes & typeface.
September 18th, 2008 at 8:57 amI thought it was dumb how, after Rachel died, Bruce was crying with his costume still on. Yeah, the mask was off, but still! He couldn’t change into his pajamas or something? Who cries dressed as Batman? This movie is stupid forever if only for that.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:15 amDid I just start a shitty trend?
Also omg teh joekr lookt totally ghey dressed as the nurse!!!1lol
September 18th, 2008 at 12:26 pmAnd what about muffins? They aren’t cupcakes, and will never be cupcakes. They don’t even have sprinkles. What’s the point of being a muffin if you aren’t a cupcake, honestly? Muffins suck.
September 18th, 2008 at 5:00 pmRod, this kind of shit will continue, it appears, until you post a new script.
Please post a new script.
Thanks.
September 18th, 2008 at 5:38 pm@Sean C: Well, YOU never meow.
September 18th, 2008 at 6:14 pmSmurfs don’t have reproductive organs.
God smurfs suck.
September 19th, 2008 at 1:22 pmmeow
September 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pmDammit, Rod, post another script already. Without new scripts to read, you’ve made comment threads devolve into smurfs and meows.
September 19th, 2008 at 6:44 pmluckly we’re not to meowing smurfs!
;-)
yes I know what I just did.
September 19th, 2008 at 8:52 pmC’mon, rod: there’s too much out there right now that needs the wrath! We’re a-waitin’ (obviously).
September 19th, 2008 at 8:54 pmI haven’t left a comment in a while.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:44 pmme either. I think I should do some dubbs based on these scripts…
I’ve got quite the collection of dubbs I made if you guys want to look at those while you wait for a new one:
http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=PhilKickDea
September 19th, 2008 at 10:27 pmThe Dark Knight: The Abridged Script: The Comments: The Abridged Script – by Matt
FADE IN:
INT. THE EDITING ROOM – COMMENTS THREAD
The ABRIDGED SCRIPT for the Dark Knight has been released and COMMENTERS have descended upon it like 4CHAN 1337 H4CKZ0R5 on SARAH PALIN’S INBOX.
THE REGULARS:
This movie was the best thing I’ve seen in my life, but it is totally overrated. Let me demonstrate how far above the public I am by leaving a comment which simultaneously shows how sophisticated I am and fellates Rod with the suction of a thousand Dysons.
SOME TROLL:
I’m funnier than Rod by far – just ask me.
ROD HILTON:
Christ on a platter, the denizens of my site get worse with every new post. Fuck it, let’s see how long it takes them between scripts to completely unspool.
Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t take LONG.
END
September 19th, 2008 at 11:37 pmI’ll meow. Fuck, I’ll say MOO.
Can’t we all be friends? Let’s all be friends.
September 20th, 2008 at 3:12 amMatt:
I think we should start a comment thread commenting on your abridged script of the comment thread. I’ll start:
Heh-heh. You said “Sarah Palin’s inbox.” Heh-heh.
It was a good script, but I think you should have included something about Rod’s aborted threat to end the comment section, which made Kevin go away.
Back to the fellating!
September 20th, 2008 at 7:15 am@Dave: Good idea!
Matt:
I liked the original comment thread, however I loved your abridged script too!
And yes “Sarah Palin’s inbox.”, ha ha ha- Hilarius!! and also “suction of a thousand Dysons”…oh I love to re-post what has been written just a couple of comments ago…
meow!
September 20th, 2008 at 7:28 amCat in a blender.
September 20th, 2008 at 8:59 amHAHA! Nice script, Matt!
You should do Cloverfield next.
September 20th, 2008 at 11:30 amRod, you have one day to post a new script before I send my cat after you. He’s a ninja. I know you don’t want a badass ninja cat after you.
September 20th, 2008 at 12:52 pmYou know what would be better than Cloverfield? CLOVERFIELD!!!!!!!!!111
Ugh, now I hate myself.
September 20th, 2008 at 12:55 pmIt is clear from Matt’s “attempt” at “abridging” this “comment” “thread” that he has not taken my advice as to how he could do this better. See, Swift and Twain and Poe (who I could not begin to compare to, although I admire them) used satire in a deep and meaningful way, and if you look at my own website, I…
Kevin! Get the fuck off my computer!
Jeez…the nerve of that guy…
September 20th, 2008 at 3:47 pmSorry to post twice so quickly. It’s just that…well, I’m seeking treatment for my inability to let go of Kevin.
Sniff…
Need new abridged script. Preferably about two aging legends who have become caricatures of themselves. Let’s say, Foghorn Leghorn vs. Squinty Man. We can give them guns and…
Or Harry Potter. Either would be fine.
September 20th, 2008 at 3:58 pmonly 28 more…have we no lives?
September 20th, 2008 at 6:08 pmNot bad, Matt, not bad. Usually the impromptu scripts posted by commenters trigger my yawn reflex, but yours produced a few amused “heh-heh”s. You should try doing a guest script.
280!
September 20th, 2008 at 7:13 pmNo, Brand0. No we don’t.
September 21st, 2008 at 2:10 amI get the distinct feeling that the comments shall halt! @ 299.
I’m pretty sure Rod’s just waitin’ to rain on everyone’s parade…. :-)
oh, and +1
September 21st, 2008 at 1:18 pmI wonder if Rod can somehow operate his website to automatically close comments at 299. That would be sweet. And sad.
September 21st, 2008 at 1:25 pmI refuse to facilitate this madness by adding another comment to the thread.
September 21st, 2008 at 2:21 pm@ Matt:
Me too.
September 21st, 2008 at 6:28 pmForget Norman Mailer or Hunter S. Thompson; this thread has officially become the most self-referential work in the history of the written word. If we take it any further we just might create a wormhole in the fabric of space-time.
But as Einstein said, “Rod does not play dice with the universe.”. He has a plan; we just can’t conceive of it.
So the thread trudged on towards 300, as the world watched and wondered at the spectacle of it all. Was Man meant to soar so high? Was there an upper limit to the human ability to comment?
We’ll find out soon, or die trying. Or I guess I’ll just find out in the morning, since I’m on the East Coast and starting to nod off…
September 21st, 2008 at 6:59 pm288.
I was feeling left out. ;-)
September 21st, 2008 at 10:44 pm[...] this is hilarious! Posted by Piper on September 22nd, 2008 | Filed in Comics, Entertainment [...]
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:12 amI was thinking: “Is gonna be too much….or it won’t? Aaah, what the heck”, so here it is, the answer of that reasoning and internal debate (if it can be called that):
Ejem………..
“MEOW”
…..there.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 amI was 240-something a week ago.
+1
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 amOk I’m going to try and steer this ship back on course slightly, towards Batman.
With a Batman/Superman Joke!
OK so all the superheroes were out getting hammered for a little superhero get-together. Plastered, Superman goes into the men’s room and while he’s draining his superdick, and writes on the wall “Batman’s a Dork.”
As he’s stumbling out, he bumps into Batman on his way in to drain his bat. While Batman’s pissing, he looks up and sees Superman’s Scrawl on the wall, and in a tuff pulls out his bat-pen and writes “Superman is Clark Kent” underneath it.
LOL :-D
Yeah I know it’s dumb, don’t waste your breath
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 amI wish I had a bat-pen.
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:25 amHow many people are camped out in front of their screens right now, hitting “refresh” in the hopes of unleashing their SPARTA!!! comments at the 300 mark?
Oh, and this script is what enabled me to see the movie. I was concerned that I had built it up so much that I couldn’t actually enjoy it, but once Rod took the piss out, I felt ready to take TDK as it came.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:12 amThe comments are getting funnier and funnier … although i couldn’t say for sure if they are funny .. funny or funny .. as in mind-numbingly strange..
@Dave
Your very spot on observation about self-referentiality and the nature of narrative discourse sent chills down my spine, because it reminded me of college .. and the crappiest lecture i ever attended in my life. I officially hate you (not).
@ random bob
I loooove your joke. It’s really funny … or i am extremely exhausted from work ….
@everybody else on this thread
Don’t you just love being one big, happy, funny family? Especially now, since we’ve managed to kill Kevin…
Finally … one small step closer to SPARTA!
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am“Craig Says:
How many people are camped out in front of their screens right now, hitting “refresh” in the hopes of unleashing their SPARTA!!! comments at the 300 mark?”
camping out here…
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pmthree more…
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pmand…
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 pmWe’re @ 299!
Bets on whether a 300th post goes through?
Anyone?
Anyone?
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 pmThis is blasphemy! This is madness!
THIS
IS
SPARTA!!!!!!!!!1
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pmI bet it does
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm:-D
OK I”m done here. Now it’s time to go and trash Transformers some more. Just saw that shit-fuck of an excuse for a movie last night finally.
Should have suffered through TDK again instead! I can bite my lip over plot holes, but watching transformers is like playing minesweeper with 100 squares & 99 bombs: You’re fucked as soon as you start.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 pmWhat do you think it’s going to happen first: we reach 400 (the horror!) or Rod publishes a new script?
Fingers crossed for a new script .. or a new visit from Kevin .. right from the mental institution he calls home ;)
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:36 pmJesus Christ. I can’t believe this dumb script has 300 comments.
So just so everyone knows, here’s the basic schedule:
Guest script for Hellboy 2 goes up wednesday.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:26 pmBurn after reading script goes up saturday (cracked link)
Righteous Kill the week after, probably wednesday.
OMG! great news! Oh, and Rod, don’t be so modest … “dumb script” … not really ;)
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 pmany news on harry potter?
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:32 pmWith the newer Harry Potter pushed back, I don’t think we’re supposed to be holding our breath, but who knows!
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 amWell done GGBone—got a nice chuckle out of that. We broke through the atmosphere and now the comment thread will forever be in orbit. We did it, gentlemen (and ladies), and no one can take that away from us.
We should all be really proud of ourselves. I’m going to call my mom right now.
Looking forward especially to Burn after Reading. JK Simmons has about two scenes and really made the most of them. (Getting back to the comic movie theme, he was also the only real comic relief in the first Spiderman movie, too.)
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:05 amIt’s all downhill from here.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:41 pmyeah, we need another Timmy…. er… Kevin
September 23rd, 2008 at 1:00 pmMuch as I loved this film (I saw it four times, actually) this script is hilarious beyond words. I think all movies, no matter how great they are, have flaws. It takes a real talent to not only find and explain those flaws but to present them in such a hilarious and entertaining way. Bravo, Rod! ;)
That’s kind of why some time back I suggested the Spider Man 2 script on the suggestion thread. NOT that it was bad in any remote capacity, just that it would be fun to critique it a bit. I wasn’t trying to put it down at all.
Anyways, great script Rod! BTW, since you did Dark Knight, it would be awesome to see Batman Begins as well…just for the fun of it. ;)
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:23 pmActually, Random Bob, if you play Minesweeper with 100 squares and 99 bombs, it’s an automatic win. I’m sure you meant with 98 bombs ;)
September 24th, 2008 at 6:16 amJust thought I’d ask a question here relating to a topic that I brought up on a previous comment somewhere else: what’s better, the good old-fashioned popcorn blockbusters or the “thinking man’s” blockbusters that get tons of praise from the critics for being so “unconventional”, “thought-provoking” etc? I’m talking about X-Men, X2, Minority Report, Casino Royale, the Bourne trilogy, Batman Begins and now this film.
I’m undecided myself. On one hand, you can’t blame Chris Nolan, Barbara Broccoli, Paul Greengrass, Spielberg et al for trying to inject more grittiness, realism and intelligence into these franchises and blockbusters… on the other hand, these films are all restricted by the confines of their genre. The films will try and be as realistic as possible, but will resort to contrivance when it suits them to do so.
Hence the film-makers must play it both ways – have their films be “dark” and “intelligent” but making them so so that the audience can still cheer by the time the end credits roll.
And you’ve also got to consider – are the messages in these films really teaching us anything new, or are they just allowing the “smart” critics to congratulate themselves on what they already know?
Food for thought, methinks…
September 24th, 2008 at 3:27 pmSi,
Great topic, because I thought Dark Knight’s grittiness unnecessarily crossed the line by holding the kid at gunpoint. But I still prefer the Nolan style to the Burton style, because Jack Nicholson didn’t exactly scare me as the Joker, while Heath Ledger genuinely sent chills up my spine.
I compare it to good science fiction books (for me, the ABCs of the classics: Asimov, Bradbury, and Clarke). It needs to be inherently consistent and not insult our intelligence.
I think the movie should be as smart as the story needs it to be, without any dumbing down for supposed mass appeal.
For example, the movie that got this whole site started was Godzilla, and I think it’s possible to make a good Godzilla. They just didn’t in that case.
Ditto Pearl Harbor, Independence Day, Armageddon, Transformers, The Happening, etc. They didn’t have to be Shakespeare, but they didn’t have to be THAT fucking stupid, either.
As for the grit and realism, I think you can do that in a movie and still have the hero stand out by doing extraordinary things when no one else can or will.
Ironically, I think the problem is not the limits of the genre, but when the illusion of an alternate world is shattered by having the hero stretch the rules of his world too far.
Like Bourne going from badass to practically having superpowers by the third movie, or Batman going from well-armored martial artist who gets bumps and bruises to simultaneously monitoring all cell phone calls in Gotham.
Jesus, that was long. Sorry. Just liked the topic…
September 24th, 2008 at 6:05 pm[...] I don’t think so. The only review I’m currently reading on that movie is the abridged script at the Editing Room. In reading this, I see that I don’t have to make fun of it. Someone already beat me to it, but I [...]
September 24th, 2008 at 7:20 pmNo worries, Dave! I too prefer Nolan to Burton, for the same reason you mentioned.
In fact, I’m in agreement with just about everything you say. Remember how, in Casino Royale, Bond seems to recover from his torture a little too easily (just for the sake of plot advancement)? Or when, as someone else pointed out, his car flips over many times and he’s still alive? A good example of genre cliches in a supposedly “realistic” story.
Not to mention Minority Report… for all the security everywhere, Anderton’s still able to get in a Lexus car being built in the factory and just drive away without being caught. Hm, you could spend forever on this topic…
September 25th, 2008 at 1:01 amI still enjoy Burton’s films. Ledger hammed it up as much as Nicholson but wasn’t particularly enjoyable to watch and Nolan’s pussyfooting around with real life (wiretapping worries, torture etc.) just emphasized how far from reality Batman’s world really is, and how little a figure like Batman would really fit into our world.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:52 pmSurprised I haven’t seen this yet, but what about the ferries? All that is needed was for one person to say “What if the crazy lunatic is LYING?” and the scene is shot. Nobody is going to push the bomb button if it might actually blow up their own boat, or maybe both boats.
September 25th, 2008 at 10:19 pmHated that fucking ferrie aspect of the climax.
September 26th, 2008 at 4:04 pmFor anyone wondering where the Burn After Reading script went, here’s the comment that I posted over there before deciding to take it down altogether:
Honestly, I kind of agree [with all the criticism of this script]. This script sort of sucks. I thought it sucked when I was writing it, and I thought it sucked when I sent it to Cracked.
The hardest kind of movie to write an abridged script for is a movie that doesn’t take itself seriously at all. It makes it invincible against criticism. Anything that was awesome in the movie was awesome, and anything stupid in the movie was supposed to be stupid, and therefore awesome. Dumbass throwaway movies are coated in Teflon.
If I had been able to see the movie beforehand, I wouldn’t have agreed to it, as I tend to avoid abridging movies like this (and really, comedies in general) for this exact reason. Unfortunately, by the time I realized this was a Teflon movie, I had already promised Cracked, and I didn’t want to screw them by backing out.
I think all the criticism on the site, these comments, and the total lack of diggs (23? Jesus.) are warranted. The movie isn’t overrated, underrated, boring, interesting, funny, dramatic, or anything. It’s just… forgettable. And as a result, so is this abridged script.
Sorry folks, they can’t all be winners.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:00 pmKind of sucks that you had to commit before seeing the movie. Especially when Cracked readers don’t know what’s coming anyway, and would’ve been none the wiser if you had been able to pick a different one.
As the goofy-looking Baldwin said in Usual Suspects: “Bad day. Fuck it.”
Gotta go milk the cows now. Looking forward to the more appropriately ripe-to-shred Righteous Kill. Ugh. There has to be a gun/cock/Viagra joke to be had somewhere in there, but of course it’s your call.
September 28th, 2008 at 2:21 amSee I liked this cos it was funny and pointed out the movies flaws, but didnt make me think any less of the film, which possibly was the best movie ever
One thing I am inclined to point out, though I imagine you wrote this before it was revealed, was that Dark Knight scripts where leaked onto the interwebs and at the end, Harvey is described as being dead for reals.
I had this exact debate with my friends and brothers after we saw the film, is he dead, alive, etc but it turns out he’s dead.
Then again, the script might not have been real so maybe he’s not dead…we’ll find out in the next one I s’pose
September 28th, 2008 at 3:47 amThanks for the explanation, Rod. You’re uh, *forgiven*.
September 29th, 2008 at 8:08 pmStill kinda funny that Rod blames the film for his own inability to make fun of it. Like saying “If you were uglier, I could fuck you.”
But for what it’s worth, Rod, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. The script is fine, perfectly capturing the weirdness of the film it makes fun of, and definately nowhere near your worst.
Your worst is Ronin.
September 30th, 2008 at 5:05 pm…and thus began a massive hegira to the archives, whence they realized Sean C, as usual, was right.
September 30th, 2008 at 5:25 pm@ Sean C&Matt
You’re both totally right .. and yes, i did do a thorough search through the archives …
Anyway .. on to my evil,nefarious purpose .. to convince Rod to do the Batman begins script as well .. PLEASE…
I’m also curious how long it will take until i get a response and/or a kick in my ass.
Looking forward to both.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pmYeah, come on, he didn’t spend the ENTIRE movie building the Batsuit. There was also that thing with the ninjas, and the evil ninja leader who pretended someone else was him. That’s got to be worth a sentence or two.
October 12th, 2008 at 4:43 am[...] thought this was hilarious. The Dark Knight: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room __________________ I’m stuck in [...]
October 27th, 2008 at 4:00 pmRod,
I thought it was funny. The Dark Knight was a great movie, but it had some strange little foibles (as movies often do). And you pointed them out without being too dicky about it.
All in all, I liked it.
October 29th, 2008 at 6:10 pmThe last paragraph was soooo true. The movie was good, sure thing, maybe even the best thing *this* year (especially compared to the usual crap Hollywood hauled onto the screens), BUT this should not lead to mindless ravings, like Nolan is the new Hubbard. There are flaws in the movie, especially, as already pointed out in this script, the flip-flopping of Dent. So yay for the author, who braves all the zombified fans, who are probably already stalking his house, trying to decide which window to break.
November 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pmBOND BOND BOND TOMORROW WHO IS READY FOR BOND?!!!
November 13th, 2008 at 12:27 amI am. And I’m sure Rod could do a much better job on it than I could. But what rating would you give QoS? It just gets 3 stars from me.
November 16th, 2008 at 2:17 pm2 and a 1/2 I guess, but converting my rating system to Rod’s is tricky (My system = movie got 5.7/10)\
Fucking Bourne editor. I hope cancer claims his face.
November 17th, 2008 at 4:33 pmGenius! Dark Knight was good, but not nearly as good as all the fanboys made it out to be. Dark Knight = B+
November 20th, 2008 at 9:48 amI’ll tell you this Sean, even Paul Greengrass could shoot action scenes better than Marc Forster…
November 25th, 2008 at 2:08 amI suppose — Paul Greengrass is more experienced at it. I just think it’s a poor stylistic choice to shake the camera around like an asshole, whether or not it’s because you like doing it or because you don’t know how else to do it.
Marc Forster was a weird choice for Bond director, but I had high hopes since I really liked the three (non-action) films from Finding Neverland to Stranger Than Fiction. And in his defense, in Quantum of Solace, there were one or two moments that smacked of his previous (psychological) work, but I don’t think he was allowed to properly execute the material the way he wanted. Probably they saw a workprint cut, panicked, and brought the Bourne editor in to jitter-chop the film beyond recognition.
(grah grah grah gotta wait for the abridged script to show up first…)
November 26th, 2008 at 5:49 pmGARY OLDMAN
No, I just can’t believe how over-the-top Christopher Nolan went with the special effects on your face. I thought these movies were supposed to be realistic. Look at you, your fucking eyeball is hanging out. You look like the Toxic Avenger.
Best part of the script.
November 26th, 2008 at 11:45 pmOh no, dogs! Batman’s one true weakness!
Hahahah!
November 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pmwhen people ask me why this isn’t my favorite movie…i just send them here :)
December 8th, 2008 at 9:39 amI couldn’t even stomach the Dark Knight. It bored me to tears. I think i’d almost rather watch Twilight and masturbate with a cactus.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:00 pmHahahahahahaha, I love Dark Knight but I think your script is better!
December 16th, 2008 at 12:17 pmWow this was hilarious,pure genius. I just watched the movie, and noticed most of the ridiculous plot. It was fun to read your take… one thing you might add is… Why is it that a villain is always truthful? They never question his honesty.. with addresses, or what happens when a certain bomb goes off.. Speaking of, one thing they missed with the whole fairy thing… what if the remote detonated the boat YOU were on, not the other one.. But no… the Joker would never lie… So silly.
The two things (yes I’m easy) that make this movie worth owning is the HD filming in 70mm IMAX, and the incredible sound effects. For home theater it doesn’t look/sound any better.. a non-ridiculous plot would be nice.. but you gotta cut budget somewhere…
December 16th, 2008 at 7:40 pmnot funny at all, you obviously are a little pissed off that a comic book became to an actual good movie and im pretty sure thats why your criticizing the movie. Also to such an extent that you lost the reality THAT IT IS A FUCKING MOVIE(no shit two face looks fake its a movie you fucking idiot). If there’s any fanboy around here, it was the pussy prick that wrote this getting pissed at dark knight for becoming a good movie.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:25 pmNow that you piont it out the clown in the beginning was obviously Heath. I loved that movie. i mean really I would still give it a high rating, but DAMN! You script ROCKS!
BTW: Nolan did go over the top.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:28 pmSo movies should never bother to make anything look very real, because they’re only movies.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:06 amThis is an utter trash. You make the whole script out to seem like the Dark Knight’s plot makes absolutely no sense by simply omitting transitions and important plot points.
Never mind that the people Two-Face killed were killed while the Joker’s whereabouts were well-known (or in police custody).
Forget that if Batman’s voice sounded exactly like Bruce Wayne’s it might be SOMEWHAT FUCKING OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE WHOSE EVER MET BRUCE WAYNE.
And fuck all the other important plot points you simply forgot to include in order to try and make one of the best films of all time look like garbage.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:58 pmfunny, but i still think tdk is a great movie.
in actuality i don’t think the plot is that hard to follow, and duh there are going to be parts that are unrealistic, but that’s film. suspension of disbelief yada yada yada. and c’mon it’s based on a comic book about a rich tortured-soul-type do-gooder who puts on a bat suit and cape and prances around a dangerous city at night fighting eccentric villains with equally fucked up backstories. it’s not gonna be a documentary.
the bits about maggie were the best though, god love her…
December 21st, 2008 at 12:51 amWhy are there always some people who think Rod hates every movie ever made? See those 4.5 stars at the top? That means he likes it, and you’re a fucking idiot.
December 21st, 2008 at 6:09 amThe amount of lolTDKfanboys in these comments is really pathetic. It’s an ABRIDGED SCRIPT, made for TEH LULZ, if the script just said “oh it’s a bad plot but AUDIENCE suspends disbelief and enjoys it because it’s actually pretty good” then how funny would that be?
Rod gave this movie 4.5/5 anyways, like it says on the top, so chill and stop being morons.
December 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 pmgreat movie, and a great review pointing out all the problems I had with it.
and, yeah, WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING EYELINER.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 pmwhy does everybody need to criticize everything?
December 24th, 2008 at 5:25 pmlets see you ROD hilton… LOL, write a better script.
and ITS FUCKING BATMAN.. there was a mr. freeze, the penguin
obviously its not meant to be realistic dumbass.
First timer on the site. I just want to say that yes, I did enjoy Dark Knight, but I also know how to have a good laugh at it. So, great movie (with it’s own share of flaws, what movie doesn’t have that!), great script and jokes :)
December 26th, 2008 at 2:19 pmLighten up guys. As much of a raging fanboy I am about TDK there were some epic lulz produced by pointing out the illogical parts of the script.
December 28th, 2008 at 2:19 pmhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i love this thing. i read it like every other day hahaha. the dark knight is my favorite movie, and i’m able to take a joke about it, unlike some people (cough, cough, Blex64. christ, lighten up.) it’s hilarious haha.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:39 pmI’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed that the mayor had too much eyeliner. However, who DIDN’T notice? Haha!
I was a little hurt when The Joker said “Yeah… About that…”. Sorry for feeling that way!. 8(
December 31st, 2008 at 2:59 pm“BAT-BALE
Grrgrll farggle raar!”
I almost pissed my pants laughing at this because I was thinking the exact same thing when I first heard him talk.
January 8th, 2009 at 2:14 amHow… dare… you.
How could you take one of the best films of the year- NO, THE BEST EVER MADE- and mock it so cogently? If you hate the fucking movie that much, then why did you spend all this time typing up this shit? FUCK YOU!
January 12th, 2009 at 4:02 pmThis was fantastic. Hilarious. I liked the movie, and I can take a joke. But it had a lot wrong with it. Fanboys need to chill.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:48 pmLook, The Dark Knight Rocks. Period. But if you get all butt-hurt because you think that it shouldn’t be made fun of because it’s a great movie then too bad! Use a tampon, pull up your panties and get used to spoofs. Oh and if you were real fanboys you would no how different the movie is from the comics and that they have little similarities besides the main characters, and no, there is no “Rachel” in the comics, so every fan boy wannabe out there just shut the f*ck up and get off this site.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:17 pmNICE!!! I LOVED IT!
January 14th, 2009 at 8:32 ami think rod hilton expected some of these negative reactions when he wrote “everyone rubs their movie tickets on themselves to CURE CANCER, because this is OHMIGOD THE BEST MOVIE EVER EVER EVER”. but hey i liked the movie but the script was hillarious. i know it’s wrong but when i read #yeah about that..” it just cracked me up
January 18th, 2009 at 11:32 amThat was Discraceful!! Not very realistic! did this idiot even see the film! It is disrespectful to heath meomry! sorry heath i apologize on belhalf of the writer of this filth!!!! And having a go at christian bale because he is welsh is clearly rasict and only moive nerds who raley see the sun and live with thier mothers could fail too see the blatent insentivity shown in this disgusting ‘comic script’!
January 19th, 2009 at 6:56 amPaul Chapel: WATCH IT AGAIN
Steen Wardbaum: HAVE SOME SENSE OF HUMOUR
January 19th, 2009 at 8:20 amShit man, Christian Bale’s welsh?
And Heath Ledgers dead?
Yet people dare to MOCK?
How disrespectful. (The welsh can’t help it ;) )
January 21st, 2009 at 3:17 pmAnd the Dark Knight fails to garner any Oscar noms (aside, of course, from Heath Ledger). This only serves to prove what many of us have been saying for a while: everyone and everything besides The Joker sucked.
January 22nd, 2009 at 10:46 pmMildy entertaining script for pretty good superhero flick. Yeah, I never understood why Eckhart’s death couldn’t have been blamed on THE VILLAIN instead of Batman.
The Rabid Batman Fans need to go back home. Their mother’s made their favourite cookies and is calling them.
January 25th, 2009 at 8:20 pmBigkankistans:
Actually, the Dark Knight received Eight Oscar Nominations.
And I hightly doubt that “Many of us” have been saying that Dark Knight sucked.
So, if you could just pull your head out of your ass and pay attention to the real world, it would be very appreciated.
January 27th, 2009 at 8:41 pmI thought it sucked. This script only scratched the surface.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:33 pmPeople actually give the Oscars any credibility at all?
I thought the fact that Benjamin Button got so many nominations would clue people in. The Academy Awards haven’t been relevant in at least a decade, possibly longer.
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 amI thought you’d have poked fun at Heath Ledger’s not having plans, but whatevs.
Oh, yeah, about Aaron Eckhart being obviously not dead…. (it was confirmed he is?)
February 8th, 2009 at 9:25 amSome of you people really need a sense of humor. I mean, I loved this movie (and I’m a really big fan of Heath Ledger), and this was hilarious. It’s not disrespectful to Heath’s memory. I have a feeling that if he read this, he’d laugh. Because he has a sense of humor.
February 9th, 2009 at 5:33 pmLoved the movie and I loved this script. No reason at all why you can’t enjoy both. Love the way you pick out plot-holes and have the characters question their own actions because what they’re doing makes no sense in the film whatsoever!
February 11th, 2009 at 3:16 amMrs M Jones – get a life.
February 11th, 2009 at 9:11 amLoved your take on it. You’re absolutely right, there’s no realism in it at all.
It might be the movie that made me think the most in a long while. I’m leaning towards it being the best movie ever.
February 11th, 2009 at 6:06 pmHahahahahaha. Loved it.
February 14th, 2009 at 10:23 pmWhy doesn`t everyone jump all over this guys ass when he mocks other dead actors (like Richard Harris in that crappy Harry potter film, ect). The Dark Knight was a good movie, but people really need to stop acting like Heath Ledger was Robert goddamn De Niro or something. The guy overacted every role he ever had, it just so happens that in the case of the joker that`s how is supposed to be played. He was a mediocre actor at best, and his death doesn`t change that.
February 22nd, 2009 at 9:40 pmI could point to a guy like Daniel Day-Lewis (even though I enjoy his work) and call him an over-actor, but Ledger’s stuff was solid, especially if we’re comparing him to a guy like De Niro who abandoned subtlety and nuance sometime around the end of the Reagan era.
I swear, no one’s capable of any moderation anymore. They either run with the popular opinion or do everything they can to divorce themselves from it. And no, I’m not referring to Rod, since I’m well aware there are (and should be) no golden calves in the comedy business.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:38 pmI love how it says ‘dark tripe’on the alt-tag and still receives 4.5 out of 5 stars. It’s what this site is about imho, using humor to criticize something you actually like (or dislike) with such an open-mindend and broad approach a lot of people could learn something from.
February 28th, 2009 at 8:05 am^ that’s an N too many….u narrow mindeNd idiot!
February 28th, 2009 at 12:30 pmLOL this was awesome. Why have I not seen this before? I loved this paragraph:
AARON ECKHART holds a plot-explaining press conference, a scene that is quickly becoming a staple of the “Comic Book Movie About A Millionaire Playboy That Uses Technology To Build A Suit That Enables Him To Fight Evildoers” genre.
Alluding to Iron Man, perhaps? XD
February 28th, 2009 at 7:37 pmHAR-larious. I really loved how you point out all the contradictions.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:51 pmHeath Ledger and Kiera Knightley should get together so they can work on her lack of acting range.
March 30th, 2009 at 5:55 amReally you take time out of your day (and alot of time too) to write these mocking scripts. That’s pretty sad, Rod. I guess you could start writing a script for Scary Movie 5 or even better, one that mocks every comic book adapted movie ever.
May 15th, 2009 at 7:00 pmTO YOU SUCK:
you’re a moron, its his job, he’s a comedian. and a funny one at that. you’re just upset that he finally mocked a movie that you have a totally gay boner for and think if you attack him christian bale will let you suck him off or something…fag.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:23 amThis is the most hillarious thing i’ve ever read. and most of its true. Brilliant!
June 13th, 2009 at 4:31 am[...] The Editing Room [...]
June 15th, 2009 at 3:56 pmYou do realize that Rod gave this movie 4 and half stars right?
July 1st, 2009 at 10:36 pmYou sir are a satirical genius in the tradition of Swift and other dead English writers I have never read and am only vaguely aware of. "…he nearly just shot my son in the fucking face." Classic!
July 11th, 2009 at 7:51 pm[...] of them are mocking enough that you need to actually have seen the movie for them to make sense. The Dark Knight is a pretty good one, though I’m not sure why they feel the need to make fun of Magie [...]
August 16th, 2009 at 5:00 pm[...] This post was Twitted by mollydot [...]
September 11th, 2009 at 7:45 am"Damn, being a criminal mastermind is cake when the other criminals have brains the size of Mary-Kate Olsen’s lunch."
September 14th, 2009 at 3:53 amzing!
Rod, this is your Bohemian Rhapsody.
September 28th, 2009 at 11:07 pmSuperb, brilliant and maximum!
December 12th, 2009 at 11:11 amthank you for saying what obviously needed to be said. *hugs*
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:37 ami hated this movie, and nobody around me will acknowledge that it isn't the most amazing thing ever made.
BAT-BALE
I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!
HEATH LEDGER
Yeah… about that…
Brilliant!! :D
January 7th, 2010 at 8:46 amInception will be better than both Nolan Batmans combined.
Mark my words… MARK THEM
January 15th, 2010 at 5:38 am"FANBOYS in the AUDIENCE cheer wildly for this, even though it looks RETARDED."
THANK you. I thought I was the only one who thought this.
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:18 pm