Catwoman: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Sep 4th, 2004 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. COSMETICS MARKETING DEPARTMENT
HALLE BERRY sits at her desk, designing ADVERTISEMENTS.
HALLE BERRY
(sighing)
I’m so mousy and pathetic. I wish something would happen, transforming me into a confident, powerful woman instead of the scared little girl I portray now. I’m so unremarkable.
ALEX BORSTEIN
Hello Halle Berry. I’m your ridiculously annoying friend who’s obsessed with sex. My obsession, combined with my appearance, is a constant source of unfunny comedy, padding the film’s running time in place of scenes actually relating to the film. Let’s go lick the penises of firemen.
HALLE BERRY
I can’t. I have to go to the noir part of town to show The Merovingian my new advertisements for Catwoman. Hopefully these won’t make audiences deathly afraid of this movie like the old ones did.
BENJAMIN BRATT
Hey everyone. Just thought I’d drop in and assault the camera with my irritating half-grin. I have a crush on the shy and quiet Halle Berry, and that’s pretty much my only purpose in the movie.
HALLE runs out of the office to deliver her IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS.
INT. DARK, INDUSTRIAL BUILDING
HALLE walks around, looking for the main office.
HALLE BERRY
Jeeze, you’d think that if someone told me to come here and drop documents off, it would be a little easier to find where I was supposed to go without getting caught up in a deadly conspiracy.
Suddenly she overhears SHARON STONE talking to SOME RANDOM SCIENTIST.
SHARON STONE
What do you mean the new facial cream has a side effect of horrible, campy acting!? No wonder I’m hamming it up so bad!
SOME RANDOM SCIENTIST
Is there no such thing as the FDA here or something?
HALLE gasps and runs away. She gets KILLED and lands in an area with a ton of cats. AN EGYPTIAN CAT slowly walks over to her. It breathes into her mouth and she awakens.
AUDIENCE
Jesus, I can’t believe I just saw an oscar-winning actress get mouth to-mouth resuscitation from a computer generated cat.
EGYPTIAN CAT
It gets worse. Now she has super powers, too.
HALLE jumps up and mugs endlessly to the camera, shifting her eyes around in an attempt to look sexy which, despite the fact that she already looks sexy, makes her look wholly unappealing.
HALLE BERRY
I must go eat tuna from the can and jump around on furniture.
She DOES. It’s incredibly embarrassing. HALLE cuts her hair and dons a leather outfit even stupider than the one from BATMAN RETURNS. She robs jewelry stores and craps into a sandbox.
BENJAMIN BRATT
(grinning like a jackass)
Hey Halle, it’s me again. I still have a crush on you, despite the fact that your bashful personality has been turned into one of assuredness.
HALLE BERRY
Doesn’t that prove you were only interested in me for my appearance, making you an unlikable character in the middle of this female centric film?
BENJAMIN BRATT
Nah, it really just proves I am one dimensional, without enough personality to even notice you’re an entirely different woman now. Whaddaya say I take you out to dinner?
HALLE BERRY
That sounds… purrrrrrfect.
BENJAMIN BRATT
…
HALLE BERRY
What?
BENJAMIN BRATT
Oh, I’m sorry.. I just.. Wow. I can’t believe how poorly you delivered that. I mean, god, you couldn’t have come off any more awkward there. Damn.
HALLE BERRY
I feel totally hu-meow-liated.
She runs across the room, toward the exit. Then she darts back. Then across again. Then she pauses for a second and watches the pendulum of a clock go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… Suddenly, she’s distracted by something in the room that nobody else can see. She stares at the nonexistent object for a moment, then looks back at the pendulum. Finally, she runs out.
INT. SHARON STONE’S APARTMENT
HALLE enters and talks to SHARON STONE.
SHARON STONE
Even though you saw that it was me who planned on releasing the toxic facial cream, I want you to trust me when I say I want to destroy my husband, who is the real guilty one.
HALLE BERRY
Okay. You seem nice enough, even though you constantly act like a complete bitch.
SHARON STONE
Sucker!
SHARON tosses HALLE a SMOKING GUN. HALLE looks down to see that THE MEROVINGIAN has been murdered. Before she can drop the gun, the COPS come in and catch her red-pawed.
HALLE BERRY
This is your plan for destroying me? Relying on the type of unlikely misunderstanding you generally see in crappy sitcoms?
BENJAMIN BRATT
That’s enough out of you! In addition to playing the cliche ridden boyfriend, I play the cliche ridden cop. I will now escort you to a jail cell with bars so far apart that it’s immediately clear to the audience that someone could slip out of them.
HALLE does.
HALLE BERRY
Ha! I used my cat power of being as skinny as Halle Berry!
HALLE jumps and runs her way over to SHARON STONE’S EVIL LAIR.
AUDIENCE
Oooh yeah, check out that hot, leather-clad body.
HALLE BERRY’S MALE STUNT DOUBLE
Thanks.
HALLE BERRY’S POORLY RENDERED COMPUTER MODEL
Yeah, thanks.
She and SHARON have a fight. They pull each others hair and tear each others clothes off.
SHARON STONE
You’re no match for me! Years of using cosmetics have turned my skin into impenetrable rock! As such, I have my own super power, making me a worthy foe!
HALLE BERRY
Wow, this movie just keeps getting stupider doesn’t it?
They continue fighting. HALLE wins.
BENJAMIN BRATT
Good job, Halle! Who’s a good Halle Berry? Who? It’s you! Yes it is! Yesh ut ish!
ALEX BORSTEIN
Hey, who wants to do me in the butt?
END
a script making fun of this movie pretty much writes itself.
July 11th, 2007 at 1:23 pmI just wanted to contribute a little story about this movie which doesn’t lend itself to Abridged Script format, but nonetheless might be entertaining.
So I had an old buddy from college visiting me after this movie had been out for a few weeks. While hanging out one night, Dennis told me that he saw Catwoman, and it was amazing.
I asked him if he was serious, and he told me he absolutely was. “Bullshit dude, it looks like total garbage,” I replied. “No, I know it looks bad. The trailers are awful, but the movie is actually really good,” he responded.
Over the course of the next few days, he kept bringing it up, insisting I should give it a chance, because it’s one of the best movies he had seen all year, but the trailer was admittedly awful. After days of this, I finally decided to give the movie a chance, so he and I went to the theater to go see it.
So the movie’s playing, and like ten minutes into this thing the acting is awful and the story is nonexistent. I look over to him, and he whispers “No no, just wait for it. It gets really good in a little while.”
Fucking cat breathes into Halle Berry, and she asks some crazy cat lady for information. I’m shaking my head. I look over to my mate again. “Seriously dude, give it a chance, it’s just getting good.”
This goes on through the entire movie. Every stupid scene resulted in an irritated look from me, and his insistence that the movie gets better and I should give it a chance.
We’re at the last scene. Sharon Stone explains her body is made of rock because of all of her makeup. I throw my hands up and look over to my friend: “alright, what the fuck?” “Shh, shh, the best part is coming up, dude,” he explains.
The movie ends. The credits roll. The lights come up. I look over at my buddy, completely in shock. Why did he tell me this movie was good?
“Dude. That movie was fucking awful,” I say, barely able to comprehend what I just watched.
Dennis stands up and yells “I KNOW, FUCK YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” and then runs out of the theater.
Cocksucker paid for a full price ticket a second time just to play the meanest prank ever.
August 20th, 2007 at 10:52 amhaha, that’s pretty good!
September 4th, 2007 at 9:07 amhahahahaha….thats the best story ever.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:02 amhave to admire the wasted effort put into such a lame prank lol.
Let’s go lick the penises of firemen. - That’s classic
May 25th, 2008 at 8:57 pmNow they should’ve just made a movie out of this.
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:58 amIt would’ve costed less, taken less of my time, and be more interesting to watch.