Because nothing says "crimefighter" like having no upper body protection whatsoever.


Because nothing says "crimefighter" like having no upper body protection whatsoever.

CATWOMAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. COSMETICS MARKETING DEPARTMENT

HALLE BERRY sits at her desk, designing ADVERTISEMENTS.

HALLE BERRY

(sighing)

I'm so mousy and pathetic. I wish something would happen, transforming me into a confident, powerful woman instead of the scared little girl I portray now. I'm so unremarkable.

ALEX BORSTEIN

Hello Halle Berry. I'm your ridiculously annoying friend who's obsessed with sex. My obsession, combined with my appearance, is a constant source of unfunny comedy, padding the film's running time in place of scenes actually relating to the film. Let's go lick the penises of firemen.

HALLE BERRY

I can't. I have to go to the noir part of town to show The Merovingian my new advertisements for Catwoman. Hopefully these won't make audiences deathly afraid of this movie like the old ones did.

BENJAMIN BRATT

Hey everyone. Just thought I'd drop in and assault the camera with my irritating half-grin. I have a crush on the shy and quiet Halle Berry, and that's pretty much my only purpose in the movie.

HALLE runs out of the office to deliver her IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS.

INT. DARK, INDUSTRIAL BUILDING

HALLE walks around, looking for the main office.

HALLE BERRY

Jeeze, you'd think that if someone told me to come here and drop documents off, it would be a little easier to find where I was supposed to go without getting caught up in a deadly conspiracy.

Suddenly she overhears SHARON STONE talking to SOME RANDOM SCIENTIST.

SHARON STONE

What do you mean the new facial cream has a side effect of horrible, campy acting!? No wonder I'm hamming it up so bad!

SOME RANDOM SCIENTIST

Is there no such thing as the FDA here or something?

HALLE gasps and runs away. She gets KILLED and lands in an area with a ton of cats. AN EGYPTIAN CAT slowly walks over to her. It breathes into her mouth and she awakens.

AUDIENCE

Jesus, I can't believe I just saw an oscar-winning actress get mouth to-mouth resuscitation from a computer generated cat.

EGYPTIAN CAT

It gets worse. Now she has super powers, too.

HALLE jumps up and mugs endlessly to the camera, shifting her eyes around in an attempt to look sexy which, despite the fact that she already looks sexy, makes her look wholly unappealing.

HALLE BERRY

I must go eat tuna from the can and jump around on furniture.

She DOES. It's incredibly embarrassing. HALLE cuts her hair and dons a leather outfit even stupider than the one from BATMAN RETURNS. She robs jewelry stores and craps into a sandbox.

BENJAMIN BRATT

(grinning like a jackass)

Hey Halle, it's me again. I still have a crush on you, despite the fact that your bashful personality has been turned into one of assuredness.

HALLE BERRY

Doesn't that prove you were only interested in me for my appearance, making you an unlikable character in the middle of this female centric film?

BENJAMIN BRATT

Nah, it really just proves I am one dimensional, without enough personality to even notice you're an entirely different woman now. Whaddaya say I take you out to dinner?

HALLE BERRY

That sounds... purrrrrrfect.

BENJAMIN BRATT

...

HALLE BERRY

What?

BENJAMIN BRATT

Oh, I'm sorry.. I just.. Wow. I can't believe how poorly you delivered that. I mean, god, you couldn't have come off any more awkward there. Damn.

HALLE BERRY

I feel totally hu-meow-liated.

She runs across the room, toward the exit. Then she darts back. Then across again. Then she pauses for a second and watches the pendulum of a clock go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... Suddenly, she's distracted by something in the room that nobody else can see. She stares at the nonexistent object for a moment, then looks back at the pendulum. Finally, she runs out.

INT. SHARON STONE'S APARTMENT

HALLE enters and talks to SHARON STONE.

SHARON STONE

Even though you saw that it was me who planned on releasing the toxic facial cream, I want you to trust me when I say I want to destroy my husband, who is the real guilty one.

HALLE BERRY

Okay. You seem nice enough, even though you constantly act like a complete bitch.

SHARON STONE

Sucker!

SHARON tosses HALLE a SMOKING GUN. HALLE looks down to see that THE MEROVINGIAN has been murdered. Before she can drop the gun, the COPS come in and catch her red-pawed.

HALLE BERRY

This is your plan for destroying me? Relying on the type of unlikely misunderstanding you generally see in crappy sitcoms?

BENJAMIN BRATT

That's enough out of you! In addition to playing the cliche ridden boyfriend, I play the cliche ridden cop. I will now escort you to a jail cell with bars so far apart that it's immediately clear to the audience that someone could slip out of them.

HALLE does.

HALLE BERRY

Ha! I used my cat power of being as skinny as Halle Berry!

HALLE jumps and runs her way over to SHARON STONE'S EVIL LAIR.

AUDIENCE

Oooh yeah, check out that hot, leather-clad body.

HALLE BERRY'S MALE STUNT DOUBLE

Thanks.

HALLE BERRY'S POORLY RENDERED COMPUTER MODEL

Yeah, thanks.

She and SHARON have a fight. They pull each others hair and tear each others clothes off.

SHARON STONE

You're no match for me! Years of using cosmetics have turned my skin into impenetrable rock! As such, I have my own super power, making me a worthy foe!

HALLE BERRY

Wow, this movie just keeps getting stupider doesn't it?

They continue fighting. HALLE wins.

BENJAMIN BRATT

Good job, Halle! Who's a good Halle Berry? Who? It's you! Yes it is! Yesh ut ish!

ALEX BORSTEIN

Hey, who wants to do me in the butt?

END

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