The Abridged Script
INT. COSMETICS MARKETING DEPARTMENT
HALLE BERRY sits at her desk, designing ADVERTISEMENTS.
I'm so mousy and pathetic. I wish something would happen, transforming me into a confident, powerful woman instead of the scared little girl I portray now. I'm so unremarkable.
Hello Halle Berry. I'm your ridiculously annoying friend who's obsessed with sex. My obsession, combined with my appearance, is a constant source of unfunny comedy, padding the film's running time in place of scenes actually relating to the film. Let's go lick the penises of firemen.
I can't. I have to go to the noir part of town to show The Merovingian my new advertisements for Catwoman. Hopefully these won't make audiences deathly afraid of this movie like the old ones did.
Hey everyone. Just thought I'd drop in and assault the camera with my irritating half-grin. I have a crush on the shy and quiet Halle Berry, and that's pretty much my only purpose in the movie.
HALLE runs out of the office to deliver her IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS.
INT. DARK, INDUSTRIAL BUILDING
HALLE walks around, looking for the main office.
Jeeze, you'd think that if someone told me to come here and drop documents off, it would be a little easier to find where I was supposed to go without getting caught up in a deadly conspiracy.
Suddenly she overhears SHARON STONE talking to SOME RANDOM SCIENTIST.
What do you mean the new facial cream has a side effect of horrible, campy acting!? No wonder I'm hamming it up so bad!
SOME RANDOM SCIENTIST
Is there no such thing as the FDA here or something?
HALLE gasps and runs away. She gets KILLED and lands in an area with a ton of cats. AN EGYPTIAN CAT slowly walks over to her. It breathes into her mouth and she awakens.
Jesus, I can't believe I just saw an oscar-winning actress get mouth to-mouth resuscitation from a computer generated cat.
It gets worse. Now she has super powers, too.
HALLE jumps up and mugs endlessly to the camera, shifting her eyes around in an attempt to look sexy which, despite the fact that she already looks sexy, makes her look wholly unappealing.
I must go eat tuna from the can and jump around on furniture.
She DOES. It's incredibly embarrassing. HALLE cuts her hair and dons a leather outfit even stupider than the one from BATMAN RETURNS. She robs jewelry stores and craps into a sandbox.
(grinning like a jackass)
Hey Halle, it's me again. I still have a crush on you, despite the fact that your bashful personality has been turned into one of assuredness.
Doesn't that prove you were only interested in me for my appearance, making you an unlikable character in the middle of this female centric film?
Nah, it really just proves I am one dimensional, without enough personality to even notice you're an entirely different woman now. Whaddaya say I take you out to dinner?
That sounds... purrrrrrfect.
Oh, I'm sorry.. I just.. Wow. I can't believe how poorly you delivered that. I mean, god, you couldn't have come off any more awkward there. Damn.
I feel totally hu-meow-liated.
She runs across the room, toward the exit. Then she darts back. Then across again. Then she pauses for a second and watches the pendulum of a clock go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth... Suddenly, she's distracted by something in the room that nobody else can see. She stares at the nonexistent object for a moment, then looks back at the pendulum. Finally, she runs out.
INT. SHARON STONE'S APARTMENT
HALLE enters and talks to SHARON STONE.
Even though you saw that it was me who planned on releasing the toxic facial cream, I want you to trust me when I say I want to destroy my husband, who is the real guilty one.
Okay. You seem nice enough, even though you constantly act like a complete bitch.
SHARON tosses HALLE a SMOKING GUN. HALLE looks down to see that THE MEROVINGIAN has been murdered. Before she can drop the gun, the COPS come in and catch her red-pawed.
This is your plan for destroying me? Relying on the type of unlikely misunderstanding you generally see in crappy sitcoms?
That's enough out of you! In addition to playing the cliche ridden boyfriend, I play the cliche ridden cop. I will now escort you to a jail cell with bars so far apart that it's immediately clear to the audience that someone could slip out of them.
Ha! I used my cat power of being as skinny as Halle Berry!
HALLE jumps and runs her way over to SHARON STONE'S EVIL LAIR.
Oooh yeah, check out that hot, leather-clad body.
HALLE BERRY'S MALE STUNT DOUBLE
HALLE BERRY'S POORLY RENDERED COMPUTER MODEL
She and SHARON have a fight. They pull each others hair and tear each others clothes off.
You're no match for me! Years of using cosmetics have turned my skin into impenetrable rock! As such, I have my own super power, making me a worthy foe!
Wow, this movie just keeps getting stupider doesn't it?
They continue fighting. HALLE wins.
Good job, Halle! Who's a good Halle Berry? Who? It's you! Yes it is! Yesh ut ish!
Hey, who wants to do me in the butt?