Batman's angry face is indistinguishable from his pooping face.


Batman's angry face is indistinguishable from his pooping face.

BATMAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. GOTHAM CITY

THOMAS WAYNE, his wife MARTHA, and their young son BRUCE a TOTALLY RANDOM FAMILY take a detour through CRIME ALLEY and are robbed by THE PIMPLE BANDITS.

ROBBIE MCROBBERGUY

So I hear there’s a guy dressed up as a huge bat who terrorizes petty criminals such as us.

THIEFY O’THIEFINGTON

Indeed. Let us continue having this conversation while counting our ill gotten gains on this totally safe and foggy soundstage roof.

ROBBIE MCROBBERGUY

I hear if you say his name three times he will appear.

THIEFY O’THIEFINGTON

Bat-Keaton Bat-Keaton Bat-Keaton!

BAT-KEATON

Boo.

He beats the PUS out of the BANDITS.

BAT-KEATON

So I've spent millions of dollars on advanced technology and several years of my life training just so I could beat up crackheads? Well fear me petty criminals for I am the Man who is Bat!

ROBBIE MCROBBERGUY

Holy shit! I can't believe it!

THIEFY O’THIEFINGTON

I know! I can understand every word he's saying because his voice isn't totally obscured by gravely throat noises!

BAT-KEATON

Don't get used to it. Now the only thing left to do is... leave without alerting the police or returning the shit these crackies stole. BTW guys, don't forget to tell all your friends about me! I do weddings and Bat Mitzvahs!

(vanishes!)

ROBBIE MCROBBERGUY

We just got our asses kicked by a guy in a bat suit wearing Nikes.

INT. THE DAILY PLANET BUGLE GLOBE SENTINEL NEWSPAPER

ROBERT WUHL

My casting confirms no one took this movie seriously. Oh well, I’m convinced this Bat-Guy is real and will risk my middling credibility as a comedic actor to prove it!

KIM BASINGER

As a blatant Lois Lane substitute, me and my comically large 80s trifocals believe you, but not enough to be interested in you sexually.

MICHAEL KEATON

Hello Kim, I’m semi-handsome billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne. Would you like to start boning me in my huge mansion?

KIM BASINGER

Would I! Even though I know nothing about you aside from you being filthy rich and you have the same hairdresser as Rand Paul.

ROBERT WUHL

Jesus, Kim! I'm not saying you're a gold digger but you’ve barely had five minutes of screentime and already you’re porking the richest guy in town! How long have you even been in Gotham?

KIM BASINGER

Oh about 9 1/2 Weeks.

ROBERT WUHL

It figures!

INT. PALANCE’S PALACE

Crime lord and amateur mummy JACK PALANCE meets with his criminal underlings including his second in command JACK NICHOLSON.

JACK PALANCE

Jack, I know you’re banging my girlfriend whose sole character trait is “shops”, so I’m sending you into a trap at a chemical plant instead of just shooting you in the face multiple times.

JACK NICHOLSON

I’m wearing a purple suit so I kind of have a violent over the top death coming.

INT. ACME CHEMICAL PLANT

JACK walks right into the TRAP and is surrounded by COPS.

JACK NICHOLSON

Fuck! Well at least it’s not Bat-Keaton. That Bat-Keaton is one scary S.O.B. If he were here I’d surely get Bat-beaten!

BAT-KEATON

(appears!)

JACK NICHOLSON

Hey that’s cheating! I said “Bat-beaten” not “Bat-Keaton”!

BAT-KEATON

But you just now said it a third time so here I am.

JACK NICHOLSON

Shit, you’re right. I had better fling myself into this vat of Flint River water.

BAT-KEATON

Why not aim for that vat of toxic chemicals instead? They’re way less corrosive.

JACK NICHOLSON

Well if you insist. But first I SHOOT YOU!

BAT-KEATON

Ha! My wrist has single-use bullet ricochet powers!

The BULLET hits JACK right in his SMILE MUSCLES and he falls into a tub of CIRCUS CHEMICALS.

JACK NICHOLSON

At least my origin story didn’t involve getting dumped in a river by my parents like some penguin freak.

(is Joker-fied)

BAT-KEATON

My God, did I just murder that guy? I must take a moment to dwell on the fact I’ve taken a man’s lifeOVER IT!

(goes home to drop his Bat-Seed in Kim)

Meanwhile JACK survives and is patched up using an ORIN SCRIVELLO PLASTIC SURGERY KIT and becomes JOKER NICHOLSON.

INT. PALANCE’S PALACE

JACK PALANCE

(is shot dead)

JOKER NICHOLSON

See? Was that so fucking hard? No elaborate trap or waiting around, just boom, dead. Now, to take over your organization by simply announcing that’s what I’m doing and expecting all of your mob lieutenants to be totally okay with it and not fight me for control in a long drawn out bloody city-wide war.

GOODFELLA DE WISEGUY

I object! But mostly to your use of blackface. Even Al Jolson is like “whoa dude, take that shit down a notch.”

JOKER NICHOLSON

Well allow me to quell your concerns with murder! During my transformation into a psychopathic albino I somehow found time to build a hand buzzer that can cook a man without damaging his clothes.

EINSTEIN-LOOKING CRIME BOSS

Amazing! Think of all the money we’d save on bullets and dry cleaning blood out of our tacky suits with one of those buzzers! I’ll take one dozen!

STAN LEE-LOOKING CRIME BOSS

I’ll take TWO dozen!

JOKER NICHOLSON

Sorry but it was single-use only! Now everyone leave me alone while I have a lengthy conversation with this smoking charred corpse.

(pause)

Has it occurred to anyone that my action figure was sold to millions of kids worldwide? With actual squirting acid flower and everything? Holy shit.

EXT. BILLY DEE WILLIAMS RALLY

The attendees are enjoying some refreshing COLT .45 when JACK kills a MOB GUY with a PEN.

COPS

You didn’t even make the pen disappear. Your magic tricks are so lame we can’t even bother arresting you even though you’re unarmed and fabulous.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Excellent! Now to carry out my evil plan of poisoning Gotham’s hygiene products because... I want everyone to be stinky? Anyone who uses make-up or hair spray will get their face ruined.

KIM BASINGER

Except me, of course, as my face will continue to look perfect. Although someone should probably warn Mickey Rourke.

INT. ART MUSEUM

Everybody hears PRINCE and drops dead.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Wow Kim, you’re slightly more pretty and blonde than my current pretty and blonde girlfriend. I want you to be my new penis wrangler. How does that sound?

KIM BASINGER

Are you in blackface again? Jesus Jack, you look like the fucking Cream of Wheat guy. You’re almost as offensive as my performance in Cool World.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Oh right, you DEFINITELY deserve to have your face melted off for that one!

KIM BASINGER

Bat-Keaton Bat-Keaton Bat-Keaton!

BAT-KEATON

I’m here! And I brought my wonderful toys! Available right now at your local Children’s Palace!

JOKER NICHOLSON

So THAT’S where he gets them!

BAT-KEATON and KIM escape in THE MOTHERFUCKING BATMOBILE, which briefly unseats the DELOREAN as the coolest car on the entire planet.

BAT-KEATON

Oh no! A traffic jam! Let’s leave the safety of my armored car and run down Crime Alley where Joker’s goons can run us over!

KIM BASINGER

Why couldn’t you just drive the Batmobile down the alley? Or simply reverse?

BAT-KEATON

The Batmobile only drives in a straight line and can only turn with grappling hook assistance. It’s pretty useless and only good for its looks.

KIM BASINGER

It’s Kate Upton?

BAT-KEATON

Listen Kim, I’m going to leave you dangling 10 stories off the ground. Try not to fall to your death while I fight off a bunch of lame Joker goons and one really pissed off Hibachi chef.

INT. THE BATCAVE

BAT-KEATON

Welcome to my literal man-cave. Ignore the bong and empty bags of Cheetos and make yourself at home.

KIM BASINGER

Wait, so you brought me here without even a blindfold?

BAT-KEATON

What was I supposed to do? Cosby you? Now listen, I found out what chemicals Jack is lacing the hygiene products with so go tell everyone.

KIM BASINGER

And you couldn’t just leave an anonymous tip with the police? You just HAD to kidnap me?

BAT-KEATON

I’m a guy dressed up as a giant bat. Why does anything I do surprise you? Now would you mind testing out these roofies?

KIM BASINGER

Wha--

(passes out!)

Bastard! You DID Cosby me!

INT. KIM BASINGER’S LUXURIOUS PENTHOUSE APARTMENT THAT EVEN A POWERBALL WINNER COULDN’T AFFORD

MICHAEL KEATON

Kim, I really want to open up to you and tell you about my murdered parents, even though I’m practically a celebrity and all that should be on record and you should know about it, being a reporter and all.

KIM BASINGER

What, and risk being a proactive love interest? Nobody likes that, Michael. I don’t even bother to find out about your past, Robert does all that for me. I’m practically a second Batmobile here.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Sorry, am I interrupting? Kim, why were you stupid enough to hang out at your house where I could easily find you? You’re the reason why they put “do not drink” warnings on paint thinner.

MICHAEL KEATON

Without my suit and gadgets I’m completely at the mercy of a psychopath. The best way to survive is to GO NUTS AND INSULT JACK WITH A FIREPLACE POKER AHHHH!!! But I cleverly hid a metal tray under my shirt as an impromptu Kevlar vest!

JOKER NICHOLSON

But what if I shot you with a higher caliber bullet? Or simply shot you in the mouth?

MICHAEL KEATON

And break the RoboCop rule? Bad guys never aim for the mouth, it’s either the shoulder or the chest because they’re fucking morons.

JOKER NICHOLSON

I killed your parents. And your dog. And your Skull Island deal. AND I voted for Eddie Redmayne!

MICHAEL KEATON

I’m talking to a dead man.

INT. KEATON MANOR - DELETED SCENE

KIM meets with MICHAEL’s butler and manservant ALFRED.

KIM BASINGER

I figured out Michael is Batman.

ALFRED

What? No way. You’re crazy.

KIM BASINGER

Yes he is. He drove me through the woods to the Batcave. The only thing out that way is Keaton Manor. Plus I’ve been dating him so I recognize that mouth and jawline anywhere. And only a billionaire could afford all those licensed Bat-products. It also explains why he’s so weird and detached. Michael is Batman. Don’t insult my intelligence by lying and just admit it.

ALFRED

(sigh)

Oh alright. He’s Batman.

KIM BASINGER

HE IS?! HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

ALFRED

But you said you knew!

KIM BASINGER

Not until you just told me! Michael is so going to shitcan your ass for this!

MICHAEL KEATON

I don’t know what’s worse, that Alfred told you my secret or that you caught me wearing my mom jeans. I must be the only billionaire in the world who shops at K-Mart.

EXT. CHEMICAL PLANT

MICHAEL remote controls the Batmobile inside and uses its MACHINE GUNS to GENOCIDE a metric shitload of JOKER GOONS. Then he murders any survivors by BOMBING THE ENTIRE FUCKING BUILDING!

JOKER NICHOLSON

Hey wait I thought Batman doesn’t use guns or kill? How does this not make you a terrorist?

BAT-KEATON

Because I’m Batman.

EXT. MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

Everybody hears PRINCE and starts choking to death.

JOKER NICHOLSON

My poison spewing balloons are the most fabulous, most luxurious bringers of death money can buy, that somehow get bigger the more gas they expel jut like how your stomach gets bigger the more you fart. Bat-Keaton is a loosa! I’ll build a wall between Gotham and Arkham and I’ll make Bat-Keaton pay for it. I won’t let Bat-Keaton-- SHIT THREE TIMES!

BAT-KEATON scoops up the poison balloons with his flying BAT-TONGS.

JOKER NICHOLSON

This is obviously my loyal henchman’s fault for not reading the Wiki and telling me this would happen.

BOB

But boss-- you said no spoilers!

(is shot dead)

BAT-KEATON shoots at JACK with MACHINE GUNS and MISSILES and probably a NUKE because he has an unquenchable TASTE FOR BLOOD.

JACK takes the BAT-WING down with a handgun that is CLEARLY OVERCOMPENSATING for something.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Now to escape. I’ve suddenly forgotten how to drive a car so I’m calling in a helicopter to pick me up at the top of this huge impractical cathedral where my henchmen were already stationed inside for some reason.

KIM BASINGER

Don’t forget your hostage!

INT. CATHEDRAL

BAT-KEATON

Wow, that plane crash actually hurt me. I’m bleeding and staggering after Jack and Kim. I’m so weak an average henchman could probably take me out.

BAT-KEATON gets his ass kicked by RAY CHARLES, but he uses his BAT-THIGHS to throw the henchman down a shaft to his death.

JOKER NICHOLSON

See Michael, this is why everyone hated the idea of you as Batman back in the 80s. Not because you were Mr. Mom but because you just straight up murder every bad guy you come into contact with.

BAT-KEATON

And yet, this is still widely considered to be not only the best Batman movie, but one of the best superhero movies ever.

JOKER NICHOLSON

But that doesn’t change the fact you’re only people’s second favorite Batman behind Kevin Conroy.

BAT-KEATON

Well you’re people’s third favorite Joker behind Ledger and Luke Skywalker.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Touché.

KIM BASINGER

Now I'll distract Jack by pretending to give him a blowjob.

JOKER NICHOLSON

Wha

(is brutally murdered)

EXT. GOTHAM PLAZA

COMMISSIONER GORDON

So in honor of Bat-Keaton saving the city we have this huge flashlight to call him with.

ROBERT WUHL

So does this mean Bat-Keaton WON’T be held accountable for all those people he killed? Or that building he blew up? Or that illegal as shit jet he flew and crashed causing millions in property damage?

BAT-KEATON

Don't worry Rob, the ungodly amount of money we'll make on toys and merchandising will cover it.

(eats Batman-O's for breakfast)

(carries lunch in Bat-Lunchbox)

(eats dinner from Bat-Plates)

(brushes teeth with Bat-Brush)

(goes to sleep in Bat-Onesie-Footie-Pajamas)

END

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