THE INCREDIBLE HULK
The Abridged Script
(Holy shit, this is the 200th Abridged Script I've written for this site! And the 26th I've written not under the influence of heavy narcotics!)
INT. RESEARCH LABORATORY
We are shown a montage of EDWARD NORTON'S transformation into a green monster while the credits roll, allowing us to skip over all of that boring character development and jump right into scenes of EDWARD NORTON looking CONCERNED and GREEN CARTOONS BREAKING SHIT.
INT. SODA BOTTLING COMPANY - BRAZIL
EDWARD NORTON bottles soda and tries not to flip the fuck out. Some RANDOM JERKS start picking on an INNOCENT HOT GIRL.
Leave her alone. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.
Why, because you'll rewrite the entire script yourself if you get pissed off?
Well, yes. But moreover, I turn into a violent monster when I get angry. That's why I got a job working in a dangerous manufacturing plant full of people.
EDWARD tries to remain calm, but accidentally cuts himself and a drop of blood falls into a soda bottle. EDWARD presses the EMERGENCY STOP button and grabs it.
Geeze Norton, chill the fuck out. What's the big deal?
Wait, even if you don't know that I have contaminated blood, shouldn't you still be a bit disturbed by shipping out a soda with blood in it anyway?
This is Jones Soda Company, dude. We'll just call it "Blood" and release it at Halloween.
One bottle with blood still in it gets shipped out, where it is drunk by STAN LEE in an GRATUITOUS CAMEO.
EDWARD NORTON goes online and talks to a mysterious stranger named MR. BLUE.
Hello Mr. Green. A/S/L?
39/M/Brazil. Figure out how to cure me yet?
No, I need you to send me some of your blood. Surely the suspiciously mysterious nature of our relationship shouldn't be any cause for concern.
Alright fine. I'll send some of my blood to you, even though it's obvious that this is a mistake. Now what?
I put on my robe and wizard hat...
INT. PENTAGON - UNITED STATES
TIM ROTH enters WILLIAM HURT'S office.
There's been a report of soda-induced gamma poisoning.
It's summertime - it was probably just some new Mountain Dew flavor, that shit will kill you.
I checked, sir. It came from a soda company in Brazil.
Brazil! That must be where Edward Norton is! I'll see to it that Edward is captured or my name isn't General "Thunderbolt" "Sawdust" "Explosion" "Football" Hurt!
Are we just going to ignore the possible existence of a second Hulk created by drinking the soda? Yeah? We are? Alright.
TIM ROTH takes a team to BRAZIL to try and capture EDWARD NORTON.
Mr. Orange? What the hell are you doing in my movie? Are you trying to upstage me? I'm Edward Fucking Norton!
EDWARD becomes furious and turns into THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE HULK!
Holy shit, a broccoli monster! Aiee!
GREEN EDWARD NORTON
RAWWRR! HULK SMASH!
I'm sorry, did you just say "Hulk trash"? Because so far, I agree. It is.
GREEN EDWARD NORTON beats the MILITARY GUYS up and escapes to AMERICA.
INT. CULVER UNIVERSITY - VIRGINIA
EDWARD NORTON tries to get some records from his old computer and runs into LIV TYLER.
Liv! I need you to help me, when I get angry I turn into The Hulk.
Didn't we just have a Hulk movie like five years ago? Does Hollywood get mulligans or something? Will they keep remaking this shit every five years until one of them doesn't suck?
I guess we'll know in five years.
Hopefully this movie, unlike the last one, will consist of more than just the Hulk trying to get away from the military the whole time.
Oh, is that what made the last one so boring? I thought we'd be safe if I just got rid of the Hulk Dogs.
The two of them hide from the GOVERNMENT and try to figure out how to cure EDWARD. They to go find MR. BLUE somewhere in NEW YORK CITY.
INT. NEW YORK CITY
They find MR. BLUE, who turns out to be TIM BLAKE NELSON.
Every time I get angry, I turn into an uncontrollable monster that never does anything evil and therefore isn't really shown to be all that uncontrollable! You need to help me remain calm at all times.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
If you're asking for a prescription for medical marijuana, I can't help you...
No, you have to study my blood to figure out how to turn the green cells into red cells. Seriously, that's what we're going with for the science part of this movie.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
Well I've been studying your blood for months. I keep it stockpiled in the back so that I can turn it into a weapon for the government.
TIM ROTH breaks into TIM BLAKE NELSON'S lab and EDWARD runs away.
Despite having no motivation to do so, I want you to inject me with Norton's blood.
TIM BLAKE NELSON
That's a bad idea. You may become some kind of... ABOMINATION!
No, this whole movie is an abomination. I'll just look stupid.
TIM ROTH gets injected and turns into a BROWN GLOB OF PIXELS.
Oh no! Another person has been afflicted with my power, and the only way for me to stop them is by embracing the monster within myself and fighting!
Oh yeah. This movie is totally different from Ang Lee's version. So glad we made this.
EDWARD turns into a GREEN GLOB OF PIXELS and the two PIXEL GLOBS are rendered far apart, then close together, then far apart, and then close together.
Is this really supposed to pass for entertainment? CGI shit throwing other CGI shit around? It's 2008 for christsake.
Eventually, the machine rendering BROWN TIM ROTH runs out of DISK SPACE and he is DEFEATED.
EDWARD goes back into HIDING. ROBERT DOWNEY JR approaches WILLIAM HURT.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
Samuel L. Jackson and I are forming a group and we'd like to talk to Edward Norton about joining.
God damn, are all of these movies just 2-hour trailers for some unwatchable Avengers movie to be released in a few years?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR
I guess we should all brace ourselves for the release of a Wonder Man movie.