The Hulk's toilet did not survive his trip to Chick-fil-A


The Hulk's toilet did not survive his trip to Chick-fil-A

THE INCREDIBLE HULK

The Abridged Script

(Holy shit, this is the 200th Abridged Script I've written for this site! And the 26th I've written not under the influence of heavy narcotics!)

FADE IN:

INT. RESEARCH LABORATORY

We are shown a montage of EDWARD NORTON'S transformation into a green monster while the credits roll, allowing us to skip over all of that boring character development and jump right into scenes of EDWARD NORTON looking CONCERNED and GREEN CARTOONS BREAKING SHIT.

INT. SODA BOTTLING COMPANY - BRAZIL

EDWARD NORTON bottles soda and tries not to flip the fuck out. Some RANDOM JERKS start picking on an INNOCENT HOT GIRL.

EDWARD NORTON

Leave her alone. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.

RANDOM JERK

Why, because you'll rewrite the entire script yourself if you get pissed off?

EDWARD NORTON

Well, yes. But moreover, I turn into a violent monster when I get angry. That's why I got a job working in a dangerous manufacturing plant full of people.

EDWARD tries to remain calm, but accidentally cuts himself and a drop of blood falls into a soda bottle. EDWARD presses the EMERGENCY STOP button and grabs it.

EDWARD'S BOSS

Geeze Norton, chill the fuck out. What's the big deal?

EDWARD NORTON

Wait, even if you don't know that I have contaminated blood, shouldn't you still be a bit disturbed by shipping out a soda with blood in it anyway?

EDWARD'S BOSS

This is Jones Soda Company, dude. We'll just call it "Blood" and release it at Halloween.

One bottle with blood still in it gets shipped out, where it is drunk by STAN LEE in an GRATUITOUS CAMEO.

EDWARD NORTON goes online and talks to a mysterious stranger named MR. BLUE.

MR. BLUE

Hello Mr. Green. A/S/L?

EDWARD NORTON

39/M/Brazil. Figure out how to cure me yet?

MR. BLUE

No, I need you to send me some of your blood. Surely the suspiciously mysterious nature of our relationship shouldn't be any cause for concern.

EDWARD NORTON

Alright fine. I'll send some of my blood to you, even though it's obvious that this is a mistake. Now what?

MR. BLUE

I put on my robe and wizard hat...

Meanwhile...

INT. PENTAGON - UNITED STATES

TIM ROTH enters WILLIAM HURT'S office.

TIM ROTH

There's been a report of soda-induced gamma poisoning.

WILLIAM HURT

It's summertime - it was probably just some new Mountain Dew flavor, that shit will kill you.

TIM ROTH

I checked, sir. It came from a soda company in Brazil.

WILLIAM HURT

Brazil! That must be where Edward Norton is! I'll see to it that Edward is captured or my name isn't General "Thunderbolt" "Sawdust" "Explosion" "Football" Hurt!

TIM ROTH

Are we just going to ignore the possible existence of a second Hulk created by drinking the soda? Yeah? We are? Alright.

TIM ROTH takes a team to BRAZIL to try and capture EDWARD NORTON.

EDWARD NORTON

Mr. Orange? What the hell are you doing in my movie? Are you trying to upstage me? I'm Edward Fucking Norton!

EDWARD becomes furious and turns into THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE HULK!

TIM ROTH

Holy shit, a broccoli monster! Aiee!

GREEN EDWARD NORTON

RAWWRR! HULK SMASH!

TIM ROTH

I'm sorry, did you just say "Hulk trash"? Because so far, I agree. It is.

GREEN EDWARD NORTON beats the MILITARY GUYS up and escapes to AMERICA.

INT. CULVER UNIVERSITY - VIRGINIA

EDWARD NORTON tries to get some records from his old computer and runs into LIV TYLER.

EDWARD NORTON

Liv! I need you to help me, when I get angry I turn into The Hulk.

LIV TYLER

Didn't we just have a Hulk movie like five years ago? Does Hollywood get mulligans or something? Will they keep remaking this shit every five years until one of them doesn't suck?

EDWARD NORTON

I guess we'll know in five years.

LIV TYLER

Hopefully this movie, unlike the last one, will consist of more than just the Hulk trying to get away from the military the whole time.

EDWARD NORTON

Oh, is that what made the last one so boring? I thought we'd be safe if I just got rid of the Hulk Dogs.

The two of them hide from the GOVERNMENT and try to figure out how to cure EDWARD. They to go find MR. BLUE somewhere in NEW YORK CITY.

INT. NEW YORK CITY

They find MR. BLUE, who turns out to be TIM BLAKE NELSON.

EDWARD NORTON

Every time I get angry, I turn into an uncontrollable monster that never does anything evil and therefore isn't really shown to be all that uncontrollable! You need to help me remain calm at all times.

TIM BLAKE NELSON

If you're asking for a prescription for medical marijuana, I can't help you...

EDWARD NORTON

No, you have to study my blood to figure out how to turn the green cells into red cells. Seriously, that's what we're going with for the science part of this movie.

TIM BLAKE NELSON

Well I've been studying your blood for months. I keep it stockpiled in the back so that I can turn it into a weapon for the government.

EDWARD NORTON

How unforeseen!

TIM ROTH breaks into TIM BLAKE NELSON'S lab and EDWARD runs away.

TIM ROTH

Despite having no motivation to do so, I want you to inject me with Norton's blood.

TIM BLAKE NELSON

That's a bad idea. You may become some kind of... ABOMINATION!

TIM ROTH

No, this whole movie is an abomination. I'll just look stupid.

TIM ROTH gets injected and turns into a BROWN GLOB OF PIXELS.

EDWARD NORTON

Oh no! Another person has been afflicted with my power, and the only way for me to stop them is by embracing the monster within myself and fighting!

LIV TYLER

Oh yeah. This movie is totally different from Ang Lee's version. So glad we made this.

EDWARD turns into a GREEN GLOB OF PIXELS and the two PIXEL GLOBS are rendered far apart, then close together, then far apart, and then close together.

WILLIAM HURT

Is this really supposed to pass for entertainment? CGI shit throwing other CGI shit around? It's 2008 for christsake.

Eventually, the machine rendering BROWN TIM ROTH runs out of DISK SPACE and he is DEFEATED.

INT. BAR

EDWARD goes back into HIDING. ROBERT DOWNEY JR approaches WILLIAM HURT.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Samuel L. Jackson and I are forming a group and we'd like to talk to Edward Norton about joining.

WILLIAM HURT

God damn, are all of these movies just 2-hour trailers for some unwatchable Avengers movie to be released in a few years?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Yes.

WILLIAM HURT

I guess we should all brace ourselves for the release of a Wonder Man movie.

END

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