Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Aug 6th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. COMICAL HOME BASE
IOAN GRUFFUDD does sciencey things while JESSICA ALBA whines at him.
JESSICA ALBA
Every time we try to have our wedding, it’s some big celebrity event! Waaah!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Yes, the paparazzi sure are irritating. It’s nice that the biggest obstacle for the Fantastic Four is the same one Britney Spears overcomes daily.
JESSICA whines her way into another room and gets distracted by something shiny. CHRIS EVANS enters.
CHRIS EVANS
I’ve taken my one-dimensional bad-boy act up a notch. I’ve got new costumes with sponsors, which I somehow got made without consulting anyone else.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Nobody will wear those, you stereotypical brash youth. We don’t need sponsors.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Actually, how DO we make money? All of this stuff costs a shitload and none of us have jobs other than being superheroes.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
We sell comic books.
CHRIS EVANS
Pfft, yeah right. Like anyone actually ever read the “Fantastic Four” comic book.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Yeah, the kids that liked the Fantastic Four were the kids that the other comic book dorks would beat up.
Suddenly, a bunch of TOTALLY SUPER SERIOUS MILITARY GUYS enter.
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY
Ioan, we need your help. There is strange cosmic activity all over the planet. It might be something really bad.
JESSICA ALBA
No! We’re having a wedding tomorrow!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
She’s right. Though the entire planet is potentially in danger, our wedding takes top priority.
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY
How heroic and admirable. No wonder you’ve had two movies made about you.
The movie centers around the goddamn wedding of some boring characters for half an hour before the title character appears. The wedding gets interrupted by NAKED SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE flying around.
CHRIS EVANS
Why is there a surfing hood ornament in the city?
SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE
I am the herald for Galactus. I check out planets and let him know if they will be good to eat. This planet tastes like chicken, and he will enjoy it deep fried.
CHRIS EVANS
Galactus? The giant purple robot from the comics?
SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Basically. Except more gray than purple. And more of a cloud than a robot. A giant robot would be too silly for the movie.
CHRIS EVANS
And yet a silver guy on a surfboard is just fine?
SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE flies elsewhere. CHRIS EVANS can now switch powers with everyone he touches, a plot point that is used to awkwardly force a scene in which JESSICA ALBA is naked for a split second. Eventually, an actual action scene occurs, which is a nice idea for an action movie.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Alright everyone! We have to put our obnoxious family drama aside and pull together to save the world!
(pause)
Ioan, with the power to look like a cartoon and permanently destroy the careers of the special effects guys who worked on me!
JESSICA ALBA
Jessica, with the lame power to turn my zits invisible, but also forcefields because my power sucks so bad!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Michael, with the power to wear an obvious rubber suit that everyone pretends looks like rock even though it doesn’t!
CHRIS EVANS
And Chris, with the power to tolerate being yelled at by everyone for having the only interesting personality in the entire movie!
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY
The world is in peril, and only the Fantastic Four can save us now!
OTHER SERIOUS MILITARY GUY
If our best hope is a dysfunctional family of morons, I think Galactus should just go ahead and eat us.
They have a BATTLE, and JESSICA ALBA gets killed!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
No!
(pause)
Goddamn, you’re an unconvincing actress even when playing dead, Alba.
SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE revives her.
SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE
You remind me of the woman I love back on my home planet. Except less silver. I will help save your planet from Galactus.
SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE somehow uses his powers to destroy GALACTUS.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Wait, did he just use the very powers granted by Galactus to destroy Galactus? That makes no sense.
JESSICA ALBA
They cast a brown-eyed, Mexican brunette as a blue-eyed, white blonde. This movie doesn’t even try to make sense, dude.
JULIAN MCMAHON is edited into earlier scenes during post-production.
END
Jessica Alba is Slightly hot. Why, though, does Hollywood think this also means she can act? Let’s start a petition to have her SAG card taken away. Shouldn’t be that hard – dangle flashy things one direction, someone else snags it while she’s distracted.
August 6th, 2007 at 6:14 pmSo, is the Silver Laurence Fishburne of 2007 any more convincing than the Silver Robert Patrick of 1991? The trailers suggest maybe not. That’s a lot of time to not blow me away with CGI advances.
August 6th, 2007 at 7:03 pm“Great work! In the next section of our Bryce and Poser tutorial, we’ll cover textures.”
LOL, brilliant! Also love the flying hood ornament comment. :)
August 6th, 2007 at 10:39 pmI actually forgot i saw this movie till i saw the a.s.. what a nothing movie this was. i completely forgot it existed, even though i watched it.
August 6th, 2007 at 11:17 pmI loved the “JULIAN MCMAHON is edited into earlier scenes during post-production.” Very funny. Great to see you updating this more. I’ve been a fan of this site for years now.
August 7th, 2007 at 7:32 amJessica Alba isn’t horrible, she is in some horrible movies. Sleeping Dictionary is one where she’s good. Also, slightly? I congratulate you sir, on your wool pulling overachievement.
August 7th, 2007 at 11:20 amThis was a movie?
August 7th, 2007 at 12:03 pmSounds like another superhero movie not worth seeing. Thanks for Alba’s last line there; I’m glad someone finally pointed that out! Oh, and Lawrence Fishburne was the Silver Surfer? Bizarre.
August 7th, 2007 at 12:30 pmJessica Alba is in terrible movies, because she is a terrible actress. Problem solved.
For the record, Doug Jones was the silver surfer; Lawrence Fishburn was the voice.
“Except less silver.” Great stuff.
August 7th, 2007 at 3:00 pmAlso, rod; marvel Movie = dance scene!
Mr Fantastic, dancing like Jurassic Park never happened.
Jeeeeeeezz.
August 7th, 2007 at 4:04 pmHey, so maybe someone can clear up some confusion for me: Now that ratings are back, what does the rating reflect? the A.S. AUTHOR’s own rating of the movie? I.e., this move garnered 1.5 stars, so that’s what Rod rated it? or is that a Yahoo! Movies/ critic’s compilation score or something.
Just curious, would love to know how the author rates the movie. I mean, you’d think by the Blood Diamond Script it was hated, but it has 4.5 stars!
August 7th, 2007 at 4:15 pmAll the movies are made fun of as though they were hated, but there are some of the movies that Mr. Hilton likes
August 7th, 2007 at 5:19 pmBut that doesn’t make sense! I thought he actually hated every movie ever!
August 7th, 2007 at 6:06 pmRyan
This confusion is exactly why I removed the ratings before :)
Think of the ratings like this:
5 stars - tolerable but flawed
August 7th, 2007 at 6:37 pm3 stars - painful to endure
1 star - godawful, makes me want to die
yay the stars are back!
thanks rod.
August 7th, 2007 at 6:53 pmYou missed the whole “Dr. Doom joy rides on the board, knowing the world is about to end after hijacking from the place that actual owner can’t contact it from”
That was the best part! Next to the exit of the theatre, that is.
August 8th, 2007 at 10:33 amI remember being aware of the first Fan4 movie on a plane ride. Even without earphones, I could feel brain cells dying every time my eyes made contact with the screen.
Rod’s scripts are so much better than the original material, he should get a piece of the action for sitting through all that swill to make it funny.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:24 amIs Ioan Gruffudd supposed to be someone’s name?
August 10th, 2007 at 11:42 amIt’s Welsh. Pronounced yoe’-an gri’-fidh.
August 10th, 2007 at 2:05 pmDamon, Ioan Gruffudd is someone’s name. He’s the same bloke who rescues Kate Winslet from the water at the end of Titanic.
I’m so ashamed that I know that.
August 12th, 2007 at 5:36 amFinally!!!! I’ve always thought it was so stupid that Alba played Sue Storm.
August 12th, 2007 at 6:26 amFunny, except two things: Norin Radd wasnt silver on his home planet. His people looked human (as 99%) of early 60’s-70’s aliens did (in print and on screen which is odd cause you can take a ton of liberties in print). And Galactus isn’t a robot, his suit just makes him look like he is. But like I said, great script to a crap movie. Though at least it was better than the first one…that’s not REALLY saying much is it?
August 12th, 2007 at 10:03 amRod, I don’t see what’s so confusing about the ratings being on there. I like the fact that you are objective enough to poke fun at movies that you at least don’t totally dislike… perhaps even enjoy to some degree.
August 14th, 2007 at 10:38 pmGlad the ratings are back, keep them. If people don’t understand…who cares.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:27 pmchris, Ioan Gruffudd was NOT the guy who rescued Kate Winslet in Titanic, he didn’t even star in that movie! He just looks very similar to the guy who was in titanic, but it wasn’t him.
August 25th, 2007 at 10:03 pmLinda, Ioan WAS the actor in Titanic, he was just very young at that time, you couldn’t tell by his voice because he had an english accent, he grew up in the UK.
August 25th, 2007 at 10:18 pmEveryone has different opinions after all, and I just think it’s so bias that people would take other people’s opinions so seriously and believe what they say when they themselves haven’t even watched the movie! How would you know that you would feel the same way as other people do if you don’t watch it? I watched the movie, and I thought it was really good, at least it was a lot better than the first part! So I really think people should just watch the for themselves, everyone will have different opinions, and you wouldn’t know how you really feel about the movie if you don’t watch it.
I’m not trying to force anyone to watch it or anything, if they don’t want to watch it, then don’t. I just think that if people are just going to agree with what other people says about the movie without even watching it for themselves, then that’s really bias…you never know, maybe it’ll turn out better than you expected.
The zit thing possibly contests for THE lamest excuse to show off a superpower ever. I never really liked Fantastic Four as a superhero franchise before the movies, and I hate it even more now. Terrible movie, both of them, I don’t even know why I waste my time watching them. The makeup team even somehow managed to ruin Jessica Alba’s stunning looks with that stupid hairstyle/wig. She just looked far too plastic.
September 2nd, 2007 at 1:26 amI really couldn’t stand this movie. Someone explain how Jessica Alba’s character goes from the “female head of genetic engineering” or whatever the heck she was in the first movie, supposedly a strong independent and smart women (or at least as smart as Jessica Alba can try to portray, which apparently isn’t much) to a whiny, self-absorbed witch who cares nothing about saving the world, contributes nothing to it, and runs around in those hideous contact lenses and ghastly blue mascara with her eyes open as wide as possible looking like a complete and utter imbecile. It was almost unwatchable.
I don’t think it’s weird that Alba played Sue Storm, but sheesh. She’s Hispanic, isn’t she? Then make Sue Storm Hispanic. Don’t give her this hideous blonde wig and a pair of contacts she obviously ripped off of Elijah Wood so she looks like some sort of extra-terrestrial.
And considering the fact that I was dragged tot he movie by my family because they thought the silver surfer was awesome, his total of two (2!) lines in the movie didn’t do much for me.
There are many other dumb things, but I just think they were all surpassed by Jessica Alba and her magic eyeballs of doom. Stop batting your dang eyelids and try acting sometime.
September 3rd, 2007 at 11:35 amIt’s just occurred to me that even if Sue did have the ability to make her zit invisible, the result should have been an apparent hole in her skin - a little patch of raw meat where the zit had been. She doesn’t have healthy skin under the zit, after all; the zit IS the skin.
Apparently her invisibility power includes an undocumented Photoshop Healing Brush feature.
September 7th, 2007 at 3:21 pmThing is, bad as the original comics were, at the very least they had the Fantastic Four defeating Galactus with some made up technological deus ex machina. Here they just fly to a couple of cities until somebody else does the job for some unconvincing reason.
Hey, writers everywhere: if the main characters are not driving the action, they are not main characters anymore.
September 22nd, 2007 at 4:06 pmIOAN GRUFFUDD: Hey, let me inspect that goddamn silver surfboard.
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY: No way. I don’t trust you superpowered freaks.
JULIAN MCMAHON: Can I see it?
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY: Oh yeah, no problem.
IOAN GRUFFUDD: What?! He has superpowers too, and he killed a shitload of people in the last movie!
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY: Shut up, freak! I’m going to lock you good guys in a room so you can’t interfere!
He does this. JULIAN MCMAHON then proceeds to KILL A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE.
SERIOUS MILITARY GUY: Holy shit, that came out of nowhere! (dies)
October 4th, 2007 at 10:46 amGood stuff. Though technically the incredible DOUG JONES played SILVER SURFER - whilst FISHBURNE merely provided the voice.
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:06 ami love this one you should make a 3d one to this
(ooh and by the way jessica isn’t that bad of an actress it’s not the acting that is bad it’s the scripts and the writers.)
ps this is soo funny
December 6th, 2007 at 4:51 pmI watched the movie over the weekend. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
You didn’t mention Dr. Doom though, but A-killa covered that pretty well.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:02 amI remember when I was at my friends house and (for some reason) he was watching this movie when the part comes where Jessica Alba dies(?) my friend turned to me and asked “Is she supposed to be dead?”
I really couldn’t answer.
December 26th, 2007 at 8:40 pm“IOAN GRUFFUDD: Wait, did he just use the very powers granted by Galactus to destroy Galactus? That makes no sense.”
Why not? Kratos did the same thing.
“JESSICA ALBA: They cast a brown-eyed, Mexican brunette as a blue-eyed, white blonde. This movie doesn’t even try to make sense, dude.”
April 20th, 2008 at 2:34 pmCheaper?
“5 stars - tolerable but flawed
3 stars - painful to endure
1 star - godawful, makes me want to die”
Wow. you really DO hate all movies, don’t you?
May 9th, 2008 at 4:12 am