"I got this. FLAME ON! Oh fuck, do powers not carry over?"


"I got this. FLAME ON! Oh fuck, do powers not carry over?"

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - 1942

A weak, SUPER-SKINNY CHRIS EVANS gets picked on by BULLIES.

RANDOM BULLY

You suck, Chris! The Army won't let you join because you're weak and you look like your face is pasted onto Michael Cera's body!

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS

I may be weak, but I have a heart of gold and balls of steel! I'm always willing to fight, no matter how badly I am losing or what it's costing me!

RANDOM BULLY

I cannot possibly imagine why the United States government might ever want you to symbolically represent them!

CHRIS gets his ASS thoroughly beaten by the BULLY.

Meanwhile...

INT. SECRET EVIL HIDEOUT - THE ALPS

TOBEY JONES brings a GLOWING CUBE to HUGO WEAVING.

HUGO WEAVING

At last, the power of the Asgardian gods is in my hands, in a convenient cube shape!

TOBEY JONES

I'm sorry, the what power? Are we in a Comparative Religion 101 class now or something?

HUGO WEAVING

(sighing)

You didn't see Thor, did you?

TOBEY JONES

My theater was only playing it in 3D, I picked up The Dilemma from Redbox and stayed in. Why?

HUGO WEAVING

Well, then, you know, that's your own loss, okay? I'm not going to take the time to explain it, it's a cube, it does super-powerful magic, just deal with it.

TOBEY JONES

Fine, whatever. So it's a magic cube with godlike power, what will you do now that you are capable of anything?

HUGO WEAVING

I'm going to make laser guns! Pew pew pew!

TOBEY JONES

Cool! Can it be used to make 2010-era tanks as well?!

HUGO WEAVING

Inexplicably, yes!

EXT. WORLD'S FAIR - NEW YORK CITY

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS hangs out with his friend SEBASTIAN STAN and TWO GIRLS.

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS

Thanks for hooking me up with a date tonight, Sebastian. But the truth is, if there's one thing I love more than an awkward orgy with my best pal and two random girls, it's the United States of America.

SEBASTIAN STAN

You're going to head over to the Army recruitment tent, aren't you? I can't say I blame you, at least that way when your night ends with rejection, it won't be because the Army laughed at your penis size. Come on ladies, let's go have a 1940's three-way, I'll bring the lube rations!

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS meets with STANLEY TUCCI and TOMMY LEE JONES to try to join the ARMY again.

STANLEY TUCCI

Zo, you vish to fight zee Nazis?

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS

Yes sir. I'm willing to spend hours at the gym, eat a ton of that disgusting weight gain powder, and work my ass off if that's what it takes!

STANLEY TUCCI

Ha ha, zilly boy! Ve have drugs for you!

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS

Wait, the Marvel superhero meant to most perfectly embody the American ideal got his powers not from hard work, not even from luck, but from cheating by using what are basically blue steroids?

STANLEY TUCCI

DC Comics' all-American superhero is an illegal immigrant, I'd say ve're doing pretty vell.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Hey, even though your character is so much more compelling as a weakling, the special effects look fucking ridiculous, let's hurry up and do a physical exam so we can get on with the musclification process.

STANLEY TUCCI

Mein gott, look at his kleiner bratwurst!

SKINNY CHRIS EVANS gets turned into BUFF CHRIS EVANS and the AUDIENCE'S PANTIES get turned into SPONGES.

CHRIS EVANS

Whew, now that the boring origin story is out of the way, we can get to the good stuff!

(pause)

Oh fuck, the origin story was all we had, what do we do now?!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Your best friend Sebastian Stan has been captured by Hugo Weaving. I'll allow implausibly hot high-ranking British military officer Hayley Atwell to explain.

HAYLEY ATWELL

It's true, Sebastian and a huge company of soldiers have been captured and enslaved, made to do Hugo Weaving's bidding. So far he's just making them watch "Reckless Kelly" but we fear the worst.

CHRIS EVANS

I have to rescue my friend, he's always been there for me when I... uh... he's... look, he was in the movie when I was skinny, that's got to count for something.

HAYLEY ATWELL

You realize that his character is "Bucky" right? As in the Marvel comic character whose death is so noteworthy that there's an entire rule about comic book deaths named after him?

EXT. SECRET EVIL HIDEOUT - ITALY

CHRIS EVANS sneaks into HUGO WEAVING'S COMPOUND, blending in by wearing a GIANT METAL AMERICAN FLAG draped over his back.

HUGO WEAVING

Chris! So glad you could join us, I was just about to run out of evil things to do.

(pulls face off, revealing a red skull underneath)

Mwa-ha-ha, now my entire face is evil!

CHRIS EVANS

Tell me where Sebastian is, Nazi scum!

HUGO WEAVING

Actually, we want this movie to make money in Germany too, so we're not really doing the whole Nazi thing. I'm the leader of the "Hydra," so we're swastika-free.

CHRIS EVANS

Oh. Well, I won't let you exterminate all of the Jews!

HUGO WEAVING

Actually I celebrate equal opportunity genocide, I want to exterminate everyone. Every Jew, every American, every German, every Brit, and one clown.

CHRIS EVANS

Why a clown?

HUGO WEAVING

See, I knew nobody would care about the Jews, Americans, Germans, or Brits!

They FIGHT a little bit, then they STOP. HUGO escapes in a ROFLCOPTER.

SEBASTIAN STAN

Chris! You have to jump across a 50-foot gap to escape!

CHRIS EVANS

Despite being unwilling to jump three feet to continue fighting Hugo, I will attempt it!

He TRIES, but WILL HE MAKE IT? Tune in next week, same CAP-TIME, same CAP-CHANNEL!

EXT. MILITARY BASE CAMP

TOMMY LEE JONES is talking about the disappearance of CHRIS with HAYLEY ATWELL.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Look, I'm telling you, the aerial units have found no sign of Chris! He's dead, the credits will start rolling any second now!

Suddenly CHRIS and SEBASTIAN walk right in with about 400 SOLDIERS and 50 ENORMOUS TANKS.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Holy fuck our aerial units are worthless.

HAYLEY ATWELL

Chris! I'm so happy you're alive because the script says that we suddenly have a romantic subplot out of nowhere! Let me introduce you to Robert Downey Jr's father, Dominic Cooper.

DOMINIC COOPER

Nice to meet you. Here, I've created a shield out of Vibranium. It's a special metal that absorbs all vibrations. I'm going to assume that Hugo Weaving's deity-powered super laser energy is a vibration.

CHRIS EVANS

If it absorbs any vibration, how the hell did you mold it into the shape of a shield and attach wrist straps to the inside?

DOMINIC COOPER

That's nothing, you can even throw it at people and have it bounce right back to you, even though the fact that a bounce is a vibration is obvious to even to the stupidest possible audience member!

CHRIS EVANS

Cool! Alright, I can already feel the lack of overseas marketability affecting this movie's bottom line, so I'll need a team. Get me a Black Guy, an Irish Guy, an English Guy, a French Guy, and an Asian Guy!

IRISH GUY

Should we have a woman? Ha ha, just kidding, fuck those dumb cunts!

ASIAN GUY

Wait, wouldn't I be in an American internment camp right now?

INT. SECRET EVIL HIDEOUT - THE ALPS

CHRIS and his ETHNICALLY DIVERSE SUPER NOT XENOPHOBIC TEAM break in and confront HUGO.

HUGO WEAVING

Nice costume. I'm guessing the only reason for including the part of the movie where you were a government bond salesman was so your real costume wouldn't look quite so ridiculous compared to that one.

CHRIS EVANS

This coming from a guy who looks like Michael Jackson after sitting in the sun for 17 hours straight?

HUGO WEAVING

Too soon, man.

HUGO escapes on a PLANE so CHRIS, TOMMY LEE JONES, and HAYLEY ATWELL chase after him.

CHRIS EVANS

Wow, you'd think for a movie grounded in the 1940's we'd have less obvious green-screening and hastily-rendered CGI!

TOMMY LEE JONES

What is this shit, Sky Captain America and the World of Tomorrow's Avengers?

CHRIS boards HUGO'S PLANE and throws BAD GUYS out the WINDOW.

CHRIS EVANS

Damn, I know they're Nazis and all but for an upstanding superhero I sure do kill an imperial fuckton of people.

HUGO WEAVING

Chris! Now I will destroy you by using my magical cube of mayhem and evil!

(teleported elsewhere by cube)

Noooooo, it's sending me to the next Thor movie! Just kill me instead!

CHRIS EVANS

This plane is headed straight for New York! If I crash a plane there, the U.S. military will kill me 10 years later! Hey-oooo!

CHRIS forces the plane down at the NORTH POLE. He is FROZEN, but THAWED by SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON 70 years later.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I have an assignment for you: star in the most expensive gamble in the history of Hollywood.

CHRIS EVANS

I can't believe it's really getting made. Do you think we're going to actually pull this off?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON

I don't know, let's look.

(watches trailer for "The Avengers")

Doubtful.

END


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