ST. ELMO'S FIRE
The Very Abridged Script
INT. JOEL SCHUMACHER'S TRAILER
DIRECTOR JOEL SCHUMACHER finds a LETTER taped to the DOOR.
"Dear Mr. Schumacher: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice the whole month filming this piece of shit for whatever it was our agents thought we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us tell people this is a movie about adulthood. You wrote our characters as you could be arsed to write them, in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of them is a nihilistic pseudo-intellectual poseur..."
"And a creepy stalker who should be in jail, therapy or both..."
"And a blank-faced failure of the Bechdel test..."
"And a hedonistic twit who doesn't realize until it's too late that she's spent the entire proceedings careening toward near-total self-destruction..."
"And an unprincipled hack who deserves no sympathy from anyone..."
"And a complete fuck-up in every facet of his being, with a stupid earring that gets more annoying every time you see it..."
"And a co-dependent prude who would never be seen with these people in real life..."
"And an even bigger failure of the Bechdel test with half the common sense."
"Will that satisfy your need for directorial credibility? No. It fucking won't. Sincerely yours, the St. Elmo's Club."
And the AWESOME 80S THEME SONG plays them out...
Young white adults with problems
That never get resolved
Nobody cares about these
Such self-indulgent yuppies
They never learn or grow
You'll want to strangle all these