"Well, yes, I AM grateful that you got it dry-cleaned, but..."


"Well, yes, I AM grateful that you got it dry-cleaned, but..."

ST. ELMO'S FIRE

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JOEL SCHUMACHER'S TRAILER

DIRECTOR JOEL SCHUMACHER finds a LETTER taped to the DOOR.

ANDREW MCCARTHY

"Dear Mr. Schumacher: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice the whole month filming this piece of shit for whatever it was our agents thought we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us tell people this is a movie about adulthood. You wrote our characters as you could be arsed to write them, in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of them is a nihilistic pseudo-intellectual poseur..."

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

"And a creepy stalker who should be in jail, therapy or both..."

ALLY SHEEDY

"And a blank-faced failure of the Bechdel test..."

DEMI MOORE

"And a hedonistic twit who doesn't realize until it's too late that she's spent the entire proceedings careening toward near-total self-destruction..."

JUDD NELSON

"And an unprincipled hack who deserves no sympathy from anyone..."

ROB LOWE

"And a complete fuck-up in every facet of his being, with a stupid earring that gets more annoying every time you see it..."

MARE WINNINGHAM

"And a co-dependent prude who would never be seen with these people in real life..."

ANDIE MACDOWELL

"And an even bigger failure of the Bechdel test with half the common sense."

ANDREW MCCARTHY

"Will that satisfy your need for directorial credibility? No. It fucking won't. Sincerely yours, the St. Elmo's Club."

And the AWESOME 80S THEME SONG plays them out...

JOHN PARR

(singing)

Young white adults with problems

That never get resolved

Nobody cares about these

ENTITLED DOUCHEBAGS!

Such self-indulgent yuppies

They never learn or grow

You'll want to strangle all these

ENTITLED DOUCHEBAGS!

END

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