The first attempt to launch the Marvel Cinematic Universe... did not go well.


The first attempt to launch the Marvel Cinematic Universe... did not go well.

MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OUTER SPACE - THE YEAR 1986

The EARTH finds itself covered by a WALL OF TEXT written by STEPHEN KING and prepares for SHIT TO GO DOWN.

WALL OF TEXT

The Earth is in the tail of a ROGUE COMET, whatever the fuck THAT means. The comet's tail is made of Stephen King exposition that causes electrical machines to go evil and murder people, or as we call it... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. Scientists have calculated to the EXACT SECOND how long Earth will remain inside the tail, which is both impossible and unnecessary to know.

EXT. A CITY IN NORTH CAROLINA

STEPHEN KING goes to use an ATM unaware it is on... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!

STEPHEN KING

Wha? Hey honey, the ATM is calling me an asshole! Now it's saying "fuck you"!

(squints)

And now it's saying "guess what douchebag, 90% of all your movies are gonna fucking suck ass, especially this one that you wrote AND directed, ha ha ha, oh but just keep pinning your hopes they'll do Dark Tower someday because THAT'LL work for sure NOPE OHMIGOD DID YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT FOR ONE SECOND YOU POOR BASTARD?!?"

(pause)

Wait, I wrote this scene, why am I being such a prick to myself?

(thinks)

Unless... someone ELSE is wri

EXT. EVIL BRIDGE

A bunch of VEHICLES are on a BRIDGE when it goes into... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!! Which in this case means slowwwly raising itself in the middle. Unfortunately everyone chose that week to replace their EMERGENCY BRAKES with EJECTOR SEATS and so CHAOS AND DEATH HAPPEN!

EXT. TRUCK STOP

Truck driver FRANKIE FAISON arrives in his HAPPY TOYZ TRUCK which has a gigantic GREEN GOBLIN FROM SPIDER-MAN FACE on the front since copyright law can GO SUCK A DICK.

FRANKIE FAISON

Why the fuck do I have this scary-ass evil face on the front of my truck for children's toys?

Inside, evil boss PAT HINGLE is being mean to unemotive parolee EMILIO ESTEVEZ.

PAT HINGLE

Mwah ha ha. Since you're on parole I can make you work overtime for no money. I love hiring parolees for this very reason, mwah ha ha ha ha.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Has nobody ever ratted you out once their parole is over?

PAT HINGLE

Nope!

Outside, an employee tries to fill up a truck, not knowing the pump is on.... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!

EMPLOYEE

Hey why is no gas coming out? Maybe if I stare into this dark tube I can deduce AARGHH IT SPLOOSHED GASOLINE INTO MY FAAAACE

(waits for inevitable spark or match or something to set him ablaze)

(nothing happens)

Huh. So just TERRIBLE EYE PAIN THENNNN

In the kitchen, waitress ELLEN MCELDUFF fries eggs not realizing the electric carving knife is on.... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!

ELLEN MCELDUFF

ARGH SHIT IT CUT MY ARM OPEN! AND SLICED MY FOOT OPEN LIKE A DINNER ROLL!

(has slightly less effect than a stubbed toe)

Inside the VIDEO ARCADE (and let's pause while our younger readers look up what that is), GIANCARLO ESPOSITO is playing pinball, not realizing all the games are on... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!!

GIANCARLO ESPOSITO

Well let's see what dark-humorous fate is coming my way, perhaps pelted by pinballs or some twisted shout-out to a video game title OH SHIT THEY'RE JUST EXPLODING WELP THAT'LL DO IT

(dies)

EXT. LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME WHERE THE CHARLOTTE PET SEMATARIES ARE LEADING THE RALEIGH TOMMYKNOCKERS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE IT-TH

The LITTLE LEAGUE COACH goes over to the soda machine unaware that--

COACH

Yes yes, it'll be on... maximum overdrive, we get it.

EVIL SODA MACHINE

BWAH HA HA, THE COMET-TAIL HAS INSTALLED A HIGH-VELOCITY PROJECTILE SYSTEM INSIDE ME SOMEHOW, EAT HOT NEW COKE SHITHEADS

COACH

N-no!! Not... NEW COKE, AAIEEEEEE

The COACH gets his SKULL CAVED IN by the pop cans!

BASEBALL KID

Oh no! I hope I don't suffer such a comical demise!

EVIL STEAMROLLER

(bursting through fence)

OH OKAY HOW ABOUT I JUST CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG THEN

BASEBALL KID'S BRAINS

(ejecting from top of skull)

Much better, thanks!

One of the BASEBALL KIDS, HOLTER GRAHAM, manages to escape on his BIKE and ride through the SUBURB OF DEATH.

HOLTER GRAHAM

Oh fuck, that lady got killed by her hairdryer! And that guy got murdered by his Walkman, which thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy will still be recognized by kids today!

HOLTER takes cover from an EVIL ICE CREAM TRUCK which however puts him right next to the EVIL LAWNMOWER.

EVIL LAWNMOWER

I AM CAKED IN BLOOD DUDE, THINK YOU NEED TO HONE YOUR THREAT ASSESSMENT SKILLS A WEE BIT

(attacks)

Luckily HOLTER is able to run faster than a LAWNMOWER and escapes!

EXT. HIGHWAY

On the highway, newlyweds JOHN SHORT and YEARDLEY SMITH (yes, THAT YEARDLEY SMITH) are attacked by MATER from the CARS movie!

JOHN SHORT

Wait wait, is this a stealth prequel to Pixar's Cars?

YEARDLEY SMITH

Might be, except none of the cars seem to have gone evil, or are alive at all. Only trucks, buses and planes for some reason.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

(driving past in Lincoln)

I needed the evil car energy to recharge myself. And taking care of yourself takes care of more than just yourself. That's the sweet spot.

(vanishes)

JOHN SHORT

What the fuck was

INT. TRUCK STOP

Lead actress LAURA HARRINGTON arrives, having hitched a lift from SKEEZY-AS-FUCK BIBLE SALESMAN GUY.

LAURA HARRINGTON

Oh God, finally! I couldn't stand another minute cooped up with that pervy sex-crazed lech.

(sees Emilio)

Why hel-LLOO gorgeous, AA-OO-GA, AA-OO-GA

(drools)

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Hey.

(is Martin Sheen's son)

HOLTER GRAHAM'S DAD

Dangit I gotta go look for my boy! I don't care how many rampaging evil trucks are directly outside, waiting to kill us all, I'm gonna

(truck heads straight for him)

OH SHIIIIT HEY THIS IS THE KIND OF MOMENT THAT INSPIRED THAT AUSTIN POWERS SCENE WHERE THEY RUN OVER A GUY EVEN THOUGH HE LOTS OF TIME TO GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAYYYY

(splatted)

SKEEZY-AS-FUCK BIBLE SALESMAN GUY

Fuck, he's squooshed! He should have tried running away from the trucks on flat ground, like this!

(hit by truck)

YOOOIINNNK LUCKY I WORE MY RUBBER BOUNCY SUIT

(flies into ditch)

The TRUCKS return to their parking spots all orderly style.

GREEN GOBLIN TRUCK

THIS IS FUCKING DULL, LET'S DRIVE AROUND AND AROUND THE BUILDING

EVIL TRUCK

WON'T THAT USE UP ALL OUR FUEL FOR NO REASON THOUGH, THEN WE'LL BE AT THE HUMAN'S MERCY AND SHIT

GREEN GOBLIN TRUCK

DON'T SWEAT IT, I KNOW A GUY, AND BY GUY I MEAN A STEAMROLLER

The trucks start CIRCLING. Meanwhile JOHN and YEARDLEY evade a DIFFERENT EVIL TRUCK by making a SHARP TURN, causing the EVIL TRUCK to EXPLODE!

DIFFERENT EVIL TRUCK

(on fire)

THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THE IMPORTANCE OF STRICTLY MONITORED SAFETY REGULATIONS FOR INTERSTATE TRANSPORT I'D SAY

JOHN and YEARDLEY approach the building where EMILIO and the gang are.

JOHN SHORT

If I time it right, I can drive through that gap in the circle of trucks!

YEARDLEY SMITH

Assuming the trucks don't respond to us appearing and driving at them, but instead behave exactly like a video game obstacle, sure.

JOHN aims for the GAP, and despite the trucks NOT reacting he FUCKS UP and gets their car FLIPPED anyway!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Hey, I work the grill here, flipping things is MY job! Let's go rescue those assholes.

EMILIO and LAURA go to the rescue but a TRUCK comes at them... which EXPLODES!

PAT HINGLE

Heh heh yep, I got me a rocket launcher, fuckers! I can do this all day, without ever reloading it!

(shoots another truck)

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Isn't that type of rocket launcher a disposable one-shot deal? Says here in the IMDB Goofs section that...

PAT HINGLE

No, it's an infinite launcher because I already completed this movie once and now I'm going back through it in God Mode. Besides, half the time I just aim at shit and it explodes, without even firing a rocket.

YEARDLEY SMITH

Why does it disable the evil trucks when you blow up their trailer though? The cab part should still be able to drive at you...

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Never mind that! We need to use this infinite ammo to destroy all the trucks and escape bunker down inside and wait quietly!

LAURA HARRINGTON

Good idea, and also I vote that Emilio is in charge because I wanna bone him something fierce.

PAT HINGLE

Wait a second there missy. Before you get all hot and bothered over this brooding loner with reasonably decent looks, you should know he's got... a SHADY PAST and he's a real BAD BOY who's oh goddammit just fuck him already.

The SUN SETS and sure enough EMILIO and LAURA find a room and go into... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!

EXT. TRUCK STOP - NIGHTTIME

Everyone nervously waits inside the TRUCK STOP while NOT BEING ATTACKED by all the various electrical things lying around.

YEARDLEY SMITH

Oh sheesh, the Bible guy is moaning in the ditch, he's still alive! John, go save him!

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

I should also go.

(is Charlie Sheen's brother)

They go to rescue BIBLE GUY but find HOLTER GRAHAM instead and decide FUCK BIBLE GUY, rescue HOLTER and chalk up a SUCCESSFUL MISSION.

EXT. TRUCK STOP - NEXT MORNING

The EVIL BULLDOZER shows up along with a small MILITARY VEHICLE carrying a MACHINE GUN ON A POLE.

LAURA HARRINGTON

How's that gun supposed to scare us? It's not electrical, and it's just stuck on there, the trigger isn't even connected to anything.

YEARDLEY SMITH

Yeah but don't forget the trucks have been moving their gas pedals and gear shifts despite there being no actual mechanism for them to do that...

PAT HINGLE

Well I'll show 'em! Cheat codes activ-

(SHOT THE FUCK DEAD)

ELLEN MCELDUFF

I'll stop them with my being-shitfaced-drunk powers!

(GUNNED THE FUCK DOWN)

The MACHINE GUN kills a bunch of people, sometimes with BLOOD EFFECTS and sometimes not. After it finally stops it uses its HORN to honk out a MORSE CODE MESSAGE, since this lightweight transport has somehow grown a BRAIN and knowledge of LANGUAGE but not a VOICEBOX.

HOLTER GRAHAM

I know Morse Code! They're asking for fuel.

LAURA HARRINGTON

They're almost out of fuel? So....can we just run out the back door?

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

We can't risk it! Instead we must refuel all the trucks, then every other evil truck that comes by for a few hours, and THEN implement our escape plan.

JOHN SHORT

Why do they even need fuel though? They can move their own pedals and gears and triggers and horns, but not wheels?

GREEN GOBLIN TRUCK

LESS MEWLING MORE FUELING ASSHOLES, HURRY UP

Everyone pitches in to REFUEL all the evil trucks, even the DIESEL TRUCK with a BIG FLOPPY DIESEL DICK that falls to EMILIO to deal with for some reason.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Yeah thanks for that. But I've smuggled a grenade from the basement! I can drop it in the gun-vehicle, and spin the gun THUSLY OKAY RUN GUYS RUN!

MACHINE GUN

WHY CAN'T I STOP MYSELF SPINNING WHEN I CAN OTHERWISE MOVE AND ROTATE MYSELF AT WILL, SHIT EVEN IF I FIRED RANDOMLY I'D KILL A FEW OF YOU ASSHOLES

(explodes!!)

Our heroes crawl through a SEWER TUNNEL as the entire TRUCK STOP goes BIG BADA-BOOM!!!!

EXT. MARINA

Our heroes have almost made it to the ALL-MANUAL MARINA full of nothing but NON-ELECTRIC NON-MOTORIZED BOATS, BUT!!

EVIL ICE CREAM TRUCK

BWAH HA HA, HOW WILL YOU EVER DEFEAT MY 12 HORSEPOWER ENGINE AND COMPLETE LACK OF HANDLING

LAURA HARRINGTON

Oh hey we have assault rifles.

(shoots truck)

EVIL ICE CREAM TRUCK

FUCK

(explodes)

GREEN GOBLIN TRUCK

WELL NOW YOU FACE THE FINAL BOSS, YOU SHALL NEVER OVERCOME ME APPROACHING IN A STRAIGHT LINE AT MODEST SPEED FROM A FAIR DISTANCE AWAY

EMILIO ESTEVEZ

Oh right we still have that infinite rocket launcher.

(fires rocket)

GREEN GOBLIN TRUCK

SHIT

(explodes)

The RATHER QUITE A LARGE GROUP OF REMAINING SURVIVORS, SERIOUSLY YOU COULD HAVE OFFED TWO OR THREE MORE STEPHEN, get on a BOAT and escape, hooray!

EXT. EPILOGUE - OUTER SPACE

Another WALL OF TEXT explains that eventually the EARTH got out of the CHEM-COMET TRAIL, which would be enough to end the story. But it also mentions how a RUSSIAN SATELLITE shot down an ALIEN UFO raising the question of why the RUSSIAN SATELLITE did not go into... MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!!

RUSSIAN SATELLITE

In Soviet Russia, maximum overdrive goes into YOU.

(pause)

What, it's 1986, that's still fresh.

END

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