MAGIC MIKE XXL
The Abridged Script
EXT. TAMPA, FLORIDA
CHANNING TATUM builds furniture for a living.
What up guys? We're back again! Remember the super dramatic and complex movie about male strippers? Well here's the sequel we know you've all been dying to see!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone who went to see the first one just to have some fun ended up feeling pretty insulted after watching it because of its bad acting, weak plot lines and boring characters.
Well not this one! This one's called "XXL." Which means it's going to be bigger and better and we're totally not overcompensating for this movie at all.
CHANNING gets a call from KEVIN NASH and finds out the MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY has died. He goes to the WAKE, but it turns out to be a massive POOL PARTY. There, he meets up with all of his old stripper friends, JOE MANGANIELLO, MATT BOMER, ADAM RODRIGUEZ, KEVIN NASH, and also GABRIEL IGLESIAS.
HAAAA, we were just kidding, bro! He's not dead! How the hell did you believe that a wake was being held at a motel? HA HA! But hey, that's what us bro's do, right? We mess with each other! We also tackle each other naked! Woo hoo!
Um, no we don't-
(gets tackled my Joe, ...nakedly)
It's true, bro, I made up that whole death story. I guess I'm just upset that my character still has to look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Anyway, look, we're all retiring from stripping, but we want to go out with a bang! So we want to know if you'd like to come with us to the stripper convention in Myrtle Beach! It's an actual real life place where douche-bags, douche-bros, and douche-nozzels come together and dance for a mob of women, then ride home on a tsunami of dollar bills in a giant douche-canoe.
Yeah, and since McConaughey is too Oscar fancy for us now, I'm going to emcee! Me, the guy who fueled all of your drug habits and took ten thousand bucks from you! I guess you and I just got over all of that.
I don't know, you guys. I've fulfilled my dream of owning my own business, and I live a quiet life now. Yeah, sure, sometimes I long to thrust my crotch in a thong again, but for now I'm content with selling crappy looking furniture and being bored out of my mind.
I don't think you get it, man. Three of the four main characters from the first movie are out! McConaughey, Alex Pettyfer, and even that cardboard cutout of Cody Horn you were forced to act with. So all that's left is us, the supporting cast! We can't carry this movie alone!
Sorry guys, but my mind is made up. The answer is N-O-, no!
CHANNING goes home and simulates fucking a power drill with a phallic looking piece of metal.
Ah, screw it, I miss the absurdity of it all. I'm in! But if we're going to do this, we've got to do it our way! We're going to ditch all of the cheesy, cliche acts from before, and replace them with acts that express ourselves. Because strippers have feelings too!
Right on! Come on, gang! Hop in my Fro-Yo truck! See Gabriel and I started our own business because of our love for Fro-Yo. Hey, I should incorporate this into my new act!
Yeah! And I love to paint!
And I love to sing! It's nice to talk about our feelings and hobbies, right everyone?
WHERE ARE THE ABS, PECS, ASSES AND BULGES???
Besides the guys BRO-ING OUT and spending a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT THEIR DAMN HOBBIES, a whole lot of NOTHING happens for quite some time.
At one point they do go to a club and VOGUE with DRAG QUEENS, and GABRIEL comes out dressed like CARMEN MIRANDA.
Haha! Isn't this hilarious?
Yeah, dude. Do you always carry around maracas and a fruit headdress everywhere you go?
Oh, I didn't mean that. I meant isn't it hilarious that this is the most interesting part of the movie so far?
EXT. ON THE ROAD
Once back on the BRO-YO truck, they all take some MOLLY.
You guys, I can't give up my "big dick fireman" act. It's my whole persona! Not all of us can have your "Step up" dance skills Channing. Some of us have no skills at all!
(molly kicks in)
OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS AND SKILLS AND I ALSO LOVE THE BACKSTREET BOYS!
Hear that, kids? Molly is fun!
Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to pull over to this gas station, pick the most miserable looking troll at the cash register, and all you need to do is go in there and make her smile. Only then will you know who you really are!
Okay. I'll just rip open a bag of Cheetos and rub them all over me, then I'll hump the soda machine, then I'll squirt a water bottle from my crotch all while dancing to "I Want It That Way." I HAVE FOUND MY PURPOSE IN LIFE!
Alright, I'll admit, that was pretty funny. Thanks for making me smile. Also, thanks for making this huge fucking mess I have to clean up now.
They all jump back in the truck, but GABRIEL CRASHES IT after falling asleep at the wheel.
How the hell did he fall asleep after just taking Molly?
Never mind that! Our emcee is in the hospital, and we have no car to get to Myrtle Beach! "Fluffy" totally fucked us here!
Don't worry guys, we can ask my ex-girlfriend for help. And wouldn't you know it, we just so happen to have stumbled into the same town as her!
Whew! That's a relief! I mean, it's not like we needed any conflict or anything.
INT. MALE STRIPPER BROTHEL MANSION THINGY
The guys meet JADA PINKETT SMITH.
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Hello, boys. Welcome to my ladies club. Not only do I run this place, but I practically have my own male stripper empire. That's why I call myself Rome. Because all strong, powerful women should be named after empires that infamously collapsed.
Hi Jada. We're looking for some kind of plot for this movie, or at least something to appease our female audience. Oh yeah, and we also would like you to emcee for us at the Myrtle Beach stripper convention. Can you help us out?
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Sorry, no can do. But as for the first part of your question, let me show you what I do. My "male entertainers" aren't just here to make money, they cater to the individual needs of our female customers. And we welcome all women of skin color and sizes. We don't discriminate! Well, except for poor women who can't afford my club.
They see numerous acts throughout the mansion. STEPHEN BOSS gives a woman a personalized lapdance, DONALD GLOVER serenades a woman with her own personal song, and MICHAEL STRAHAN shakes his ass in the faces of his old NEW YORK GIANTS TEAMMATES.
Let me get this straight. Your entertainers honor and respect women while simultaneously catering to their sexual desires? What a great idea! We should do that in our new acts! This way, we can sing to them and worship them, and we still get to do our "lie them on the floor and hump their faces" routine!
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Well, not quite... ah, hell, that's exactly what they do. I mean, what do we expect? You're male strippers, not the Women's Action Alliance.
CHANNING and the guys begin their new FEMINIST CRUSADE by stopping by ANDIE MACDOWELL'S mansion with her wine guzzling REAL HOUSEWIVES OF... UH... WHEREVER THEY ARE.
Well, DAYYUMM! What brings you fine boys here?
Well, we "entertained" your daughters the other night and now we're here to "entertain" their mothers, I guess. Huh, I just realized how weird this is.
Oh, hush! Now come have some wine, listen to our girl talk, and watch me feel up Joe in front of everyone in a totally non-awkward way!
That's probably the exact opposite of what regular guys would want to do, but not us ma'am! Our new purpose is to cater to your desires, and we're pretty confident that we know what you women want. Like right now, I'm going to use my pretty boy looks and crooning singing voice to make Jane here cling to me like a child!
This is kind of ridiculous, but hey, I'm being paid to get a lap dance by Matt Bomer, so I'm not complaining.
Well, my problem is that I've only had one penis my entire life. I also don't understand why my daughters keep cringing and running away every time I bring this up.
And my problem is that women won't sleep with me because my penis is too big, and I've been looking for a women who is my "glass slipper," so to speak. Do you think there's anything we can do about our respective predicaments?
Sure, I'll be your glass slipper, and then afterwards we're all going to have to assume that the only penis I've ever had was as big as yours.
EXT. MYRTLE BEACH - THE NEXT DAY
The guys arrive at Myrtle Beach after ANDIE gives JOE the keys to her ROLLS ROYCE and hooks them all up with a LUXURY SUITE at their hotel.
Soooo, did I just become a prostitute?
Yes. Yes you did.
Excuse me, but nobody has even mentioned my character yet!
Oh yeah, to be honest, I kind of forgot you were here at all. You would think that a pro-feminist movie such as this one would not create a female character who is so boring, unlikable, and not to mention utterly pointless.
And I'm stepping into my "pretty announcer/commentator" role that I keep finding myself in! Seriously, I have five lines, why am I here?
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Hey, all of the female empowerment is saved for me! Yeah that's right, I've decided to emcee for you guys after all. And I've brought Stephen and Donald with me because OH MY GOD CAN WE GET TO THE DAMN STRIPPING ALREADY?!?!?!
The STRIPPER CONVENTION starts off with a cheesy, amateur TWILIGHT ACT and then ADAM begins his FRO-YO SHOP ACT.
And now I will now bring three women on stage and squirt whipped cream from my crotch and pretend that I'm jizzing on all of their faces!
WOMEN ON STAGE
YOU REALLY DO KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT!!
DONALD and MATT do their singing acts, and then JOE takes an audience member, shoves her onto a SEX SWING, forces her feet in the stirrups without her CONSENT, and dances to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.
Did we seriously just make fun of the Twilight act only to turn around and do a 50 Shades of Grey act? This is incredibly dumb!
Then CHANNING pulls AMBER on stage and he and STEPHEN do their PROFESSIONAL DANCERS ROUTINE and there is THRUSTING and MUSCLES and GLITTER and BUTTS and WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME TO SEE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Hey, since you're dancers for hire, did you maybe think about catering to some of the desires of your gay audience-
Whoops! Look at that! Movie's over!
Afterward, the guys lean over the rail of the boardwalk, pondering what they've accomplished as if they were OCEAN'S ELEVEN or something.
Welp, we've done what we came here to do, so now I guess we can end this movie as abruptly and unsatisfyingly as possible.
You know, I think I liked Kevin's act the best. The one where he paints on a giant board, then splashes it with glitter to reveal an actual portrait of the woman he brought on stage.
Why? Because it showed my artistic ability and willingness to honor the beauty of that woman?
No, because it seems like a perfect metaphor for this movie's screenwriter. It's like he jizzed on a piece of paper, threw some glitter on it, and called it a movie.