The Abridged Script
EXT. SMALL RED STATE TOWN
MICHAEL ANGARANO and his PARENTS drive past members of the entirely fictional BESTBORO WAPTIST CHURCH who are picketing a FUNERAL.
We are a general commentary on intolerance and in no way inspired by any single real-life church! To reiterate: we are the Bestboro Waptist Church, and we gate hay people!
Wow, that is so unsubtle it's not funny.
WRITER/DIRECTOR KEVIN SMITH
I'm not trying to be funny! This is a horror/thriller/drama!
It says "Directed by Kevin Smith" right here on the DVD cover. Ergo this is a slacker comedy. And since you mentioned religion I am assuming this is "Dogma II".
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL
MICHAEL ANGARANO meets up with his buddies NICHOLAS BRAUN and KYLE GALLNER.
Hey guys! This may be hard to believe, but I found a way to get skeezy sex on the Internet!
Is it ass to mouth?
I'm not even supposed to BE here today!
MICHAEL, NICHOLAS, and KYLE spend some time SWAPPING FACES, PLOTLINES, and CHARACTER TRAITS with each other, and it makes ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAMN DIFFERENCE TO ANYTHING.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM
KEVIN SMITH does a walk-on as a BASKETBALL COACH. This is THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE MOVIE.
Look, honest, this isn’t meant to be a comedy. I’m reinventing myself as a filmmaker by embarking in a whole new direction.
Whole new direction for YOU, maybe. For anyone who's seen more than one city-people-captured-by-crazy-country-folks movie, not so much.
Ass to mouth!
EXT. HIGHWAY - THAT NIGHT
STUPID KID #1 drives STUPID KIDS #2 AND #3 to the SEX RENDEZVOUS. Along the way they SIDESWIPE a car where SHERIFF STEPHEN ROOT is getting a BLOWJOB.
Great, I can add “guy blowing Stephen Root by the side of the road” to my imDb resume. Guess I'd better start polishing off my Oscar speech now.
Speaking of polishing off. Ahem.
(points to engorged penis)
Thanks a fuckload, whoever my agent is.
INT. MELISSA LEO'S SUPER SKEEZY TRAILER
Howdy, boys. Why don't you make yourselves at home while I do my very best to act distant, uncomfortable, frigid, and all-round unsexy.
Heh heh, they are powerless against my seductive wiles.
We're teenaged boys, we can be seduced by a large rock with "WANNA FUCK?" etched into it.
Now I need you to all drink lots of beer. Specifically these ones I'm taking out of this biohazard containment unit.
Why do they all have giant labels that say "DANGER: POISON, DO NOT INGEST"?
Er, that's the name of our local microbrewery.
They DRINK the beer and PASS OUT!! WHAAA?!?!????
KYLE GALLNER wakes up in a CAGE. Nearby SOME GUY is TAPED TO A POLE and MICHAEL PARKS is sermonizing.
Hey there, Kyle. I recommend you find a comfortable sitting position, because I glanced at today's shooting script earlier, and hoo boy.
In case you're just regaining consciousness, my sermon sums up as: I believe gay people are evil sinners and we should kill them.
Really I’ve got nothing to say that you haven’t heard before from other crazy preachers, both real and fictional, so I’ll leave it at that.
...sooo, in conclusion, I think homosexuals are evil.
Everyone SITS AROUND NOT MOVING.
Er, let me add that I am gravelly-voiced and also insane, given that I run a heavily armed wacko cult and think gay people are evil.
People start NODDING OFF. Outside, FLOWERS BLOOM. In a corner of the church GEORGE R.R. MARTIN writes FOUR COMPLETE TRILOGIES while deciding to NOT RUSH HIMSELF THIS TIME.
Um, all of which is to say, that when you get down to it, I really really really really hate them there gay people. Yup. Sure do.
The CONGREGATION plays a BEST-OF-SEVEN-MILLION TOURNAMENT of HEAD-TO-HEAD WATCHING PAINT DRY followed by a bout of OBSERVING THE EXPANSION OF THE UNIVERSE GRADUALLY SLOW AND THEN REVERSE ITSELF.
Because, when it comes to me, there's evil, wicked evil, super wicked evil, and then guess what? I hope you guessed gay people, because if you did, then guess what? You're right.
ADVANCED ALIENS DISCOVER our planet and SIFT through the LONG-BURIED RUINS OF OUR DEAD CIVILIZATION until by DNA REPLICATION they are able to reconstruct KEVIN SMITH.
Greetings, O large fuzzy meat ovoid. We've deduced that you caused the downfall of your race, but we don't understand why. Please explain this to us! Oh, and also, how to love.
CLONE KEVIN SMITH
Well, I really wanted to have an endorsement from Quentin Tarantino on the DVD box. But I didn’t want to show naked feet for two hours, and the next best thing was to let Michael Parks babble on endlessly. QT loves that shit. Remember Kill Bill Volume Two?
We shall take pity on this most peculiar species. Behold!
The ALIENS use their FUTURE TIME-TECH to REVERSE THE TIMESTREAM and MICHAEL PARKS finally stops preaching.
All right, we've stretched this thing out to barely feature length, we can move the plot again.
Oh thank God.
(stabs Some Guy)
Now for Kyle Gallner! Cult Guy, get the other kids.
CULT GUY opens a TRAP DOOR to fetch MICHAEL and NICHOLAS from the basement, but...
Hey, they're escaping, just a few feet away from me! Hm, I could shoot them both dead with the gun in my hand right now, or I could run downstairs and give them time to find the armory and defend themselves.
What a no-brainer!
EXT. CHURCH GROUNDS
MICHAEL PARKS greets a DEPUTY.
Evening, folks. You may remember me as the last-place finisher on Season Four of "Project Please Don't Fuck Up My Hair So Hard It Turns Into Some Hideous Fucking Rats' Nest".
Aaiiee, 'tis the Medusa! DIE, HELLSPAWN!
(grabs CB radio)
If you're listening, Stephen Root, then keep quiet or I'll tell everyone how you started out as "DEA Agent (Toilet)" in Crocodile Dundee II. Oh yeah, and that blowjob thing.
INT. POLICE STATION
What to do? I can’t let anyone discover my many secrets. Hey I know, I’ll call in the ATF, that’ll keep things nice and quiet.
INT. JOHN GOODMAN'S HOUSE
JOHN GOODMAN gets a call from the ATF.
Hello? Oh, hi, ATF.
No, I'm not doing anything interesting, just making breakfast.
No, that's it. Making breakfast. Yup.
What's that? Sure, I can keep doing this dull activity for another twelve millenia, no problem.
Znorxdammit, we're not MADE of time-tech, you know! Get on with it, you foolish ambulatory bonesacks!
Aw geez, Nicholas and Cult Guy shot each other dead! How shocking that those characters were so summarily dispatched! Gotta make a break for it, those ATF agents that just arrived will...
The ATF SHOOTS THE FUCK out of MICHAEL ANGARANO!
Wow, it's shocking how we summarily dispatched him! Don't you agree, fellow ATF member Kevin Pollack?
(sarcastically, if you hadn't already guessed)
Oh nice move guys, killing someone that we believe to be a cult member. I wonder how the rest of the cult, whom we know to be heavily armed, will respond? Let me think this over while standing perfectly still with my head in full view of the compound.
(is shot dead)
Wow, is ANYone safe?!?
(is shot dead)
All this summary dispatchment sure is shocking!
Well since this is a drama, I found/replaced "DOES A BLOWJOB JOKE" with "GETS BRUTALLY SHOT DOWN".
Makes sense. All right, time to send in our secret weapons: a guy from "True Blood" and a guy from "Buffy"! Let's see how this evil cult likes a taste of supporting actors from cult TV shows! Ha, ha ha!
God I hope "The Artist" works better than this mess.
INT. CHURCH COMPOUND
I've been patiently standing around waiting for the plot to need me, and that time is now!
(shoots Melissa Leo)
Come on Kyle, let's daringly escape!
KERRY and KYLE ESCAPE, only to be TOTALLY SHOT DEAD by the ATF!
Hope everyone enjoyed getting invested in any of these characters...
Well, John, looks like we're almost out of people to summarily dispatch.
I guess it's time for the final ultimate showdown!
Suddenly ANGELIC TRUMPETS BLARE!!! HOLY FUCK IT COULD BE THE RAPTURE OR SOMETHING ACTUALLY UNEXPECTED AND BOLD AND AWESOME AND...
INT. DEBRIEFING ROOM
A BUNCH OF SUITS sit around looking at each other.
What the hell? This is the big payoff?
Well originally the ending was awesome, but then I remembered this is a drama, so I changed it to be dull and anticlimactic. Ass to mouth!
INT. PRISON CELL
MICHAEL PARKS is pacing his cell.
Yup, this is me, pacing. Pacing and muttering. Yes indeed. Back and forth, pace and mutter, mutter and pace, dum dee dum...
OH ZNORX WHAT HAVE WE DONE