The Abridged Script
GINA CARANO, who is a SPECIAL SECRET AGENT MARINE FIGHTER or some vague shit like that, meets with CHANNING TATUM.
Wait, I thought I was meeting with my boss Ewan McGregor?
Mumble mumble, mumble mumble mumble, mumble.
You‘re not really going to talk like that throughout the entire movie, are you?
Is this you acting tired or is this just what you sound like after a night of binging and having butt sex with strippers?
CHRIS BROWN POWERS ACTIVATE!
CHANNING beats THE SHIT out of GINA, but luckily MICHAEL ANGARANO is there and distracts CHANNING by giving him a sensual FULL BODY MESSAGE which gives GINA the chance to insert her BOOT directly into CHANNING’S RECTUM.
The hell? I’m supposed to be an ass kicking woman but I needed to be rescued by a man within the first five minutes?
Maybe this is Steven Soderbergh’s way of showing that you’re a human being and not an invincible Super Woman?
Or maybe everyone will think I’m a sucky action star who cheated at her first on screen fight.
Hey why does your voice sound like that?
GINA kidnaps MICHAEL and they escape in his car.
So I guess I’m going to be your effeminate love interest then?
No, you’re the stand in for the audience, so sit back while I spend the next 70 minutes or so recapping everything that’s happened to me up to now.
Oh fuck, please tell me that Steven Soderbergh, a multiple Oscar winning director, is not going to rely on lazy flashbacks to tell the stor--
INT. FLASHBACK: GOVERNMENT OFFICE BUILDING LOCATION PLACE
Government man MICHAEL DOUGLAS meets with EWAN MCGREGOR, who is the head of a CONTRACT FIRM that employs ASSASSINS or SECRET AGENTS or SUPER HEROES or some REALLY VAGUE BULLSHIT LIKE THAT.
Ewan, Anthony Brandon Wong is being held hostage in Barcelona and I want your team to extract him.
(with “American” accent)
Righty-O old chap, but only if me ex-girlfriend Gina goes along. Smashing, baby.
Wait, Gina was your girlfriend? But she’s all tough and manly and you’re... not. There’s no way a badass chick like her would go for a square like you.
Let’s just say I wasn’t the one wearing the penis in the relationship.
EXT. BARCELONA - STILL IN FLASHBACK
GINA, CHANNING and SOME NOBODIES are about to rescue ANTHONY BRANDON WONG.
Hell yeah! Here comes the cool action as promised by the trailer!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH
Wait a minute, I don’t make cool action films, I make stylish ambiguous crime dramas or movies about casino robbing. How am I going to balance my artistic style with today’s demand for big action set pieces?
The rescue scene is filmed in SLOW MOTION, BLACK AND WHITE, and with all the SOUND muted and replaced by 70s MUSIC.
GINA’S TEAM rescues ANTHONY, but a RANDOM HOSTAGE TAKER escapes on foot! So GINA chases him!
And chases him...
And CHASES HIM...
And CHASES HIM some more...
And CHASES HIM QUITE A BIT MORE...
Take the amount of CHASING that has already occurred, MULTIPLY it by a factor of FOURTEEN, and MULTIPLY IT AGAIN and that is how much FUCKING CHASING is going on right now.
RANDOM HOSTAGE TAKER
Stop chasing me Gina! I’m just a lowly henchman trying to put food on my family’s table via hostage taking! Just let me go!
And give you the chance to abduct Maggie Grace again? Fuck that!
RANDOM HOSTAGE TAKER stops to cover his ears from the 70s MUSIC and GINA catches up to him.
Yes! Time for another cool and gritty fight sequence!
GINA beats the guy up for FIVE WHOLE SECONDS and drops a gate on him, then the FIGHT ENDS.
What?! How can the chase be 10 minutes long and the fight be a 10th of a second long?!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH
Hey! You knew what you were getting into when you saw my name on the poster! But at least there was no shaky cam.
True, so we’re giving you ONE MORE CHANCE and that’s it! You better deliver!
Still in FLASHBACK MODE, GINA and CHANNING go back to their HIDEOUT and FUCK just to assure all the MMA FANS in the audience that GINA’s character doesn’t MUNCH CARPET.
Then GINA returns home and is visited by EWAN.
Hey love, I need you to accompany MI6 bloke Michael Fassbender to Dublin. You will have to wear a dress and make-up though.
I know, but you have to look like a girl with a vagina for at least some of the movie, baby yeah. Oh, and wear this fuck-ugly brooch. And make sure all the security cameras get a nice good long look at you wearing it.
EXT. DUBLIN - STILL A DAMN FLASHBACK
GINA and MICHAEL FASSBENDER go to a party and meet up with MATHIEU KASSOVITZ who is doing a really awful PETER LORRE IMPRESSION.
Aye darlin’, wi’ doncha go powda yee nose while me mate Mathieu and I go talk aboot manly shite.
Am I the actual star of this movie? Because I get the feeling whoever made this really hates the idea of a butt-kicking woman as the main character.
(patting GINA on the butt)
Run along, lassie.
GINA observes MICHAEL and MATHIEU talking SUSPICIOUSLY. GINA follows MICHAEL and discovers MATHIEU has killed ANTHONY BRANDON WONG and MICHAEL has planted her FUCK-UGLY BROOCH on his dead body.
Obviously I’m being framed, but what was going to be the story? I saved Anthony in Barcelona, then murdered him in a barn in Dublin? But not before he grabbed my fuck-ugly brooch and I just left it on him? This has to be one of the dumbest ways ever to try and frame a “professional”. Why not just spell out “Gina did it” in a bowl of Alphabet Soup?
GINA goes back to her hotel room with MICHAEL because she saw “SHAME”.
Michael, I know you tried to frame me so it makes absolutely no sense for me to come back here with you, much less turn my back to you, which is what I have just done--
CHRIS BROWN POWERS ACTIVATE!
MICHAEL beats up GINA a bit and they FIGHT for more than FIVE SECONDS, making this the BEST FIGHT of the movie despite there being absolutely NO BLOOD for some reason.
(shoots a spear out of his wrist)
GET OVER HERE!
CHUN LI SPINNING BIRD KICK MOTHERFUCKER!
Aw shit! My block button isn’t working!
GINA wins and SHOOTS MICHAEL in THE FACE.
GINA uses MICHAEL’s cell phone to call EWAN.
Hello Michael. It’s you, isn’t it? I will interpret your silence as a yes. So did you kill Gina yet? Because I hired you to frame and kill her, remember? I did that. Me, Ewan.
This is Gina you moron.
EWAN sends POLICE after GINA.
Maybe they won’t recognize me while I’m wearing this ridiculous disco hat!
But THEY DO and GINA RUNS...
And RUNS some more...
RUN GINA, RUN...
No real ACTION, just a lot of RUNNING. MARATHONS don’t have this much PAVEMENT STOMPING.
You guys finally cast a woman that doesn’t look like a 90 pound weakling and who actually has fighting skills and you have her running for most of the movie instead of fighting?
DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH
Alright fine, I’ll throw in another fight scene you little crybabies.
GINA encounters some SWAT GUYS, knocks them out in ONE PUNCH, and then KEEPS ON FUCKING RUNNING SOME MORE.
Goddamnit! We’ve had sneezes longer than these fights! Where’s Gina’s Agent Smith or Apollo Creed? There’s no sense of danger or suspense if she beats everybody with no effort whatsoever!
GINA continues to RUN and RUN and RUN then tries to climb down the side of a building and FALLS ON HER ASS.
Ha ha! Fuck you, Gina!
If you had an ass I would so be kicking it right now!
Ha! That’s what Newton said!
GINA calls ANTONIO BANDERAS, who is involved with the plot in a TOTALLY VAGUE AS FUCK WAY.
Antonio, did you help Ewan set me up?
Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. Call Michael Douglas and ask him.
Michael, did Antonio help Ewan to set me up?
INT. MICHAEL ANGARANO’S CAR - REAL TIME (FINALLY!)
...and then you rescued me from Magic Mike and here we are.
GINA and MICHAEL are chased by POLICE CARS but GINA uses her EXPERT FEMALE DRIVING SKILLS to get away.
Wow! You sure can drive! Wait, is that Bambi’s mother?
GINA vehicular homicides the DEER and CRASHES because she is a WOMAN and who doesn’t love a good SEXIST STEREOTYPE?
INT. BILL PAXTON’S HOUSE
EWAN and CHANNING question GINA’s FATHER, BILL PAXTON.
Hey! I’m still in movies! Yay me!
Shit, I was really hoping you did. My whole plan kinda hinged on it.
Suddenly the lights go out and GINA uses her NIGHT VISION POWERS to beat up EWAN’s MEN.
I lied! She’s been here all along! Game over, man! Game over!
Damnit! My plan to frame Gina is officially clusterfucked!
Yes Channing, I had you beat up an innocent women. Perhaps this bullet will help you get over it.
EWAN shoots CHANNING and escapes. GINA is sad over CHANNING’s death. Or maybe she’s just trying to HOLD IN A FART. It’s hard to tell. Her expression is VAGUE AS HELL.
EWAN hides out from GINA by going to the BEACH.
Such a beautiful view. Let me admire it while standing over by this huge rock.
GINA jumps out from behind the rock and THEY FIGHT!
Okay Soderbergh, this is YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE to redeem yourself so this fight had better be epic!
EWAN fights like a PATHETIC GIRLY MAN and tries to get away from GINA by climbing up a ROCK FACE. Surprise surprise, that doesn’t GO SO FUCKING WELL. EWAN falls down and skims his knee and the fight IS OVER.
Who was behind all this?!
Something about Mathieu wanting Anthony dead and me picking you to take the fall because you were leaving my company and Antonio’s the one who arranged everything.
That’s it? Then why did the plot seem so complex and hard to follow?
Because the guy who edited this thing together didn’t know what he was fucking doing.
Who’s the editor?
EDITOR STEVEN SODERBERGH
(notices everybody staring at him)
GINA kills EWAN. Or maybe SHE DOESN’T. It’s VAGUE AS HELL.
INT. ANTONIO BANDERAS’ PUSSY PAD
ANTONIO is about to BONE a SEXY CHICA when GINA uses the device from PORTAL to drop down from the ceiling.
Cool! Gina’s going to fight El Mariachi! Soderbergh has redeemed himself!
But the MOVIE ENDS before that happens.
GODDAMNIT! This movie is driving us haywire!
Oh. Oooooh. Oh.