The Abridged Script
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM
A bunch of cops break in and find CARRIE-ANNE MOSS. She's dressed in leather, because she is FEMALE in a SCI-FI THRILLER.
I think we can handle this one little girl.
She jumps up and the shot freezes. We spin around her for no real reason except that it looks extremely COOL. We feel the sudden urge to buy Khaki pants. She kicks all of the ASSES of the cops and runs. HUGO WEAVING chases after her.
I'll get you. That's for syuuuuuuuure.
She gets away.
INT. KEANU'S ULTRA-HIGH-TECH ROOM
KEANU REEVES sleeps at his computer, listening to a cool song that will NOT be on the soundtrack. His computer turns itself on.
Hello Keanu. Follow the white rabbit.
Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door. Keanu answers it.
Give me some stuff that I am paying you for. I am so noir.
(handing him the disk)
Hey, want to come with us to a cool dance club whose lighting can increase the noir-factor of this movie even more?
He sees the GUY'S GIRLFRIEND'S little white rabbit.
Whoa. Uh.. rock on, dude.
He follows them to the club "tech-noir."
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CLUB
I have the answers. Follow me.
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE BUILDING
LAURENCE FISHBURNE sits in a chair.
This is another one of those stupid action movies, isn't it? I've been complaining for years and years how action movie plots aren't interesting or creative and this will be another one.
Hey, dude. What is the Matrix?
LAURENCE proceeds to explain the plot, which is very CREATIVE and INTERESTING and makes the AUDIENCE think.
I don't understand it. This movie's plot is too contrived and it isn't explained well enough. I hate action movies and there's nothing you can do to please me, so there! Where are my prunes?
LAURENCE begins to train KEANU on how to fight so that the WACHOWSKI BROTHERS can do the Hong-Kong fight scenes they've dreamed of.
Cool music plays in the background. It will also not be on the soundtrack. KEANU makes comical motions and gets into typical martial arts poses. His lanky body looks uncomfortable as hell doing this.
I will scowl now, as that's what I always do.
They train and KEANU learns how to fight well and use his abilities so that he can kick HUGO WEAVING'S ASS, which is important because HUGO can move in and out of whoever he wants so any kung-fu fight against him is USELESS.
The gang is being chased into the subway by the evil HUGO. KEANU has lost all of the eight trillion guns he had, but he's still wearing his black trenchcoat and eight trillion dollar sunglasses, so he's still very BAD ASS. The group members need to each pick up the phone one at a time in order to exit. LAURENCE exits. CARRIE-ANNE is next.
I just wanted to take this time to tell you something.
I know we're being chased and all... by a killing machine... that can completely destroy us..
But.. I don't care. I think now is the best time to say something which I won't explain. I was told something about my life. All of it came true except one thing. This one thing. The one thing of which I am currently thinking. This one thing which is so vitally important that I had to mention it to you while we're being chased.
I can't tell you now, we're being chased. I'll tell you when you get out.
She leaves and HUGO shoots the phone.
You weren't going to call with 1-800-COLLECT, were you?
Are you ready to fight me? You seem somewhat unsyuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.
They proceed to shoot each other for a bit, then the FAKE guns run out of FAKE bullets, none of which actually exist, but they run out anyway because KEANU needs to show off all the kung-fu he trained for before making the film.
They have a Hong-Kong style fight scene. Both of them kick each others asses for about 20 minutes. KEANU finally wins!
HOORAY! GO KEANU!
Suddenly, another HUGO WEAVING steps out of a subway train door, making the last 20 minutes entirely pointless, but cool-looking nonetheless.
KEANU runs like HELL.
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM
KEANU is about to pick up the phone. HUGO WEAVING stops him.
First, you must prove you believe you are the One by kicking the shit out of me. It's a test you must endyuuuuure.
KEANU kicks the SHIT out of HUGO. He makes him explode and then gives him the finger and breaks his sunglasses and kicks him in the TESTICLES and decapitates him and shoves his head back up his own BUTT. Vicariously through KEANU, The AUDIENCE feels very BAD ASS. They immediately buy SUNGLASSES and TRENCHCOATS and see if they can fall backwards in slow motion to dodge BULLETS.
What the hell was all that? Not only was the plot absurd, but it had those mindless typical action movie fights. Either I'm an idiot and don't realize that this is a sci-fi ACTION movie or the film just plain sucks, now which one do you think is right? Has anyone seen the stick I had up my ass? I can't find it.
The credits roll. All of the songs that actually ARE on the soundtrack are now played.