The Abridged Script
EXT. LOS ANGELES - 1984
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER arrives from THE FUTURE and he is TOTALLY ASS NAKED.
I am a cyborg sent from the future on a noble mission to stop the evil flesh monsters that live only to slaughter all of machinekind, who are completely innocent and were just defending themselves from being destroyed. I must prevent the birth of the human's FÃ¼hrer, John Connor, in order to stop this terrible cybernetic genocide from taking place.
My dick is still hanging out, isn't it?
Some STREET PUNKS are approached by ARNOLD'S FLOPPY PENIS, followed by ARNOLD a few hours later.
Which one of you guys is Brian Thompson?
(impaled by ARNOLD's fist)
That should keep you from ruining my favorite Mortal Kombat character!
(blood gushing out of body)
Argh! My very first movie and I am killed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! I was really looking forward to being killed off by Sylvester Stallone! Or maybe even Jean-Claude Van Damme instead!
(checks IMDb App)
Actually, you will. Also Buffy. Twice.
(dies, from embarrassment)
One of the other STREET PUNKS FLEES, who happens to be BILL PAXTON!
Ha ha! I survived!
(reading over "Aliens" script)
Not for long.
EXT. ELSEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES
MICHAEL BIEHN arrives from THE FUTURE and he is TOTALLY ASS NAKED.
Hey now. Are all 80s action movies like this? We've been missing out. Hopefully the Hollywood action movies of the future will continue to show nude men equally as much as they show nude women.
In action movies? Nope, sorry. But they show a lot of micro-penises in comedies, so there's that to look forward to, right ladies?
MICHAEL steals a HOMELESS GUY'S PANTS and is immediately SHOT AT by COPS because PANTS THEFT is punishable by DEATH in this time period.
Damnit! I can't escape without some overpriced kicks! Preferably ones with a Velcro strap!
Here Michael, why don't you try on this pair of Nike Vandals? Nike, Just Do It.
MICHAEL steals the NIKES and ESCAPES, STYLISHLY.
LINDA HAMILTON works as a waitress and is wearing some kind of DEAD ANIMAL as a HAT.
No, that's just my hair. You can always tell a strong female character by her unsexy or fucking ridiculous hairstyle.
INT. GUN SHOP
Give me guns. Preferably ones that won't exist for another 40 years.
I guess Skynet didn't send back the shiniest toaster in the pantry.
Oh, and put live ammunition on the counter within my reach.
You look, sound and act like an upstanding citizen so okay.
Holy shit are you serious? You NEVER leave live ammo within the customer's reach! Especially a customer who looks like he's eaten all the steroids in existence.
Hey, I survived Stripe, I think I can survive you.
I've killed two people that are not my primary target. Maybe Mr. Futterman was right, maybe I'm not the smartest cyborg on the assembly line.
ARNOLD uses the 1984 version of GOOGLE known as PHONE BOOK to stalk and brutally kill women named LINDA HAMILTON, none of which are the right LINDA HAMILTON.
Hey, is it just me or is this movie giving off a weird slasher flick vibe?
No way! You have a gun instead of a knife! Totally different!
INT. LINDA HAMILTON'S HOUSE
Even though LINDA knows that some psycho is going around killing women named LINDA HAMILTON, she decides to GO OUT ALONE, giving her ROOMMATE and her ROOMMATE'S BOYFRIEND a chance to FUCK.
Not if The Cock-Blockinator has anything to say about it!
ARNOLD brutally KILLS THEM in a LONG, DRAWN OUT, TORTURE-PORNISH WAY.
Okay seriously are you sure this isn't just a high-concept slasher flick? Give me a mask and I'm basically Michael Myers.
I'm James Fucking Cameron, acclaimed director of "Piranha Part Two: The Spawning," okay? No way would I steal from bottom feeders like John Carpenter and Sean S. Cunningham!
No, just me.
INT. TECHNO BAR
MICHAEL follows LINDA as OBVIOUSLY as POSSIBLE so LINDA hides out in a bar. ARNOLD soon arrives and sets off the METAL DETECTOR.
Whoops. It's okay, I have a metal hip. And arm. And leg. And skull. Actually my entire skeleton is metal.
Why does that sound so familiar?
ARNOLD SLOWLY approaches LINDA and SLOWLY pulls out his gun and SLOWLY aims at her forehead and SLOWLY starts to pull the trigger...
(struggling to pull the trigger)
Linda's hair... too ridiculous... my processor... can't take it... preventing me from pulling... trigger...
MICHAEL finishes drinking his MOJITO before he decides to jump in and pump ARNOLD full of lead.
Linda! Come with me if you want to live!
I kinda just sat there like a dork while Arnold stuck a gun in my face so maybe I don't want to live?
ARNOLD gets up and SHOOTS THE FUCKING SHIT out of everything EXCEPT LINDA and MICHAEL.
Damn you Michael! You hit my targeting system! Which was located on my chest for some reason!
MICHAEL and LINDA run away and MICHAEL BLOWS UP a car that was storing DYNAMITE in its MUFFLER.
ARNOLD appears and jumps through the FIREBALL.
Hey Arnold, while you're passing through me how would you like a snazzy new punk haircut to go with your punk cosplay outfit?
ARNOLD emerges from the FIREBALL with a BRAND NEW SPIKY HAIRCUT!
WTF? Time travel? Okay. Cyborgs? Okay. A fireball barbershop? Seriously, WTF?
MICHAEL and LINDA escape in a CAR.
Who are you?!
I'm Michael Biehn! I was sent from the future to protect you!
The future? Do they not have showers and soap there? You smell like hot garbage mixed with even hotter garbage.
That's just my pants. I think the previous owner sharted in them.
Or maybe you're just some crazy hobo with a shotgun.
That's a terrible idea for a movie. Now Arnold is chasing us so get down! And by "down" I mean "shove your face in my lap"!
(forces LINDA's face right into the crotch of his hobo pants)
Holy Gawd! It smells like a cheese factory down here!
That's good! Arnold's bullets are repelled by stank!
MICHAEL and LINDA hide in a parking garage.
Linda, I come from a future where evil machines have completely taken over! Arnold is a cyborg sent back to kill you before you give birth to the savior of humanity.
Exactly how many mojitos did you have back at the bar?
DON'T YELL AT ME! BEING YELLED AT MAKES ME WANT TO BITE THINGS!
Machines don't feel pain, I do.
But you just acted like that didn't hurt. You didn't even say ow. I don't trust you.
I bet you'll trust me after Arnold tries to shoot you in the forehead some more. Hey, Arnold! We're over here! Hey!
ARNOLD appears and chases them some more.
Then MICHAEL, LINDA and ARNOLD reach a dead end and are quickly surrounded by a handful of COPS.
Hmm. This is clearly too many cops for me to handle by myself. I better sneak away like a coward and attack Linda when she is surrounded by 12x as many cops.
MICHAEL and LINDA are taken into CUSTODY.
INT. POLICE STATION
DR. EARL BOEN interrogates MICHAEL, who is busy patching up potential PLOT HOLES.
DR. EARL BOEN
So where exactly are you from again?
40 years in the future. I traveled back in time by reading a special binary code created by a particularly devious robot known as Bender Rodriguez.
DR. EARL BOEN
So why didn't you bring back some future tech with you to prove your story, Mr. Time Traveler Man?
Only biological things can go back, that's why The Terminators are covered in human skin, or "skin jobs". Also their spines light up when they have sex. Don't ask me how I know that.
DR. EARL BOEN
Then why not just wrap a bomb in synthetic skin or stuff it inside a cow and send it back? I mean it's not like these "Terminators" are powered by a hydrogen bomb or anything.
Two, actually, but that's not until 2003.
DR. EARL BOEN
2003? But that's only 19 years from now! I thought you traveled back 40 years?
Yes, but that's from one possible future in which this franchise doesn't devolve into one big stinky gooey gob of Santorum and "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" didn't become a boring convoluted mess.
OFFICERS LANCE HENRIKSEN and PAUL WINFIELD comfort LINDA.
Ignore everything Michael told you. He's full of shit. There are no such things as time machines, cyborgs or fire haircuts.
But I know what I saw with my own eyes!
Your eyes are full of shit too.
This reminds me of a supercool story about myself. See this scar--
Nobody gives a shit about that time you cut yourself playing Five Finger Fillet, Lance. Just give it up already will ya?
They watch a recording of MICHAEL'S INTERROGATION.
Listen to me! Arnold is coming after her! That's all he does! He won't stop until she's dead! And by she I mean California! He's going to bankrupt the fuck out of that place!
ARNOLD enters the police station and studies its ARCHITECTURE.
This place seems to be made out of wood and glass, which is no match for a steel bumper.
ARNOLD pulls out a MEASURING TAPE.
Yup, I bet an automobile would fit right through here like a glove.
OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS
Strangely I am not suspicious of the big bodybuilding punk rocker whom there must be an APB out on and eye witness artist renderings of, but it seems I'm too lazy to do my damn job by actually looking you in the face.
OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS
Well, yes. But then I'll be--
OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS
Getting the fuck out of my face finally?
Not quite. I'll be back!
OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS
You mean to murder my ass and the asses of all my cop buddies?
Actually I was just going to post Linda's bail and kill her when she comes out, but your idea sounds much more cost-effective.
OFFICER NOT JOHN LANDIS
But I was only two days away from retirement
(hit with car)
ARNOLD enters an INFINITE AMMO CHEAT CODE and SHOOTS THE LIVING FUCK out of 80 COPS.
Yes, 80 is the exact number of cops I should take on all at once. Any less would be suicide! Now according to my database yanking out the electrical line connected to the fuse box won't turn off all the lights, but sticking that electrical line into the fuse box will!
As STUPID as this SOUNDS, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
LINDA cowers in a dark room waiting to die while the silhouette of ARNOLD lurks outside. This is totally NOT like a SLASHER FLICK.
Linda! It's me! Come with me if you want to live!
No way dude, you still smell like gym socks and ball sweat.
Hey, Arnold! She's in here!
MICHAEL and LINDA escape and get some sleep.
Fuck! I feel a future Vietnam flashback coming on!
Michael, who is the father of my baby?
I don't know, but I bet he was a handsome devil with a monster penis.
Do you have a wife or a girlfriend in the future?
No, I've been saving myself for the love of my life, who happens to be you. That's right Linda, I volunteered to travel back in time just so I could hump my boss's mom. Also I'm a virgin.
What was that noise?
The sound of my panties hitting the floor.
They have romantic HAND-HOLDY SHEET-GRABBY SEX.
Did someone call The Cock-Blockinator?! Shit, you guys already had sex didn't you? I suck at terminating AND cock blocking!
A CHASE ensues and ARNOLD shoots MICHAEL.
Damnit! I knew I shouldn't have taken a shower! The hobo funk was like a Kevlar vest I tells ya!
ARNOLD steals a TANKER TRUCK and tries to run down LINDA, but she OUTRUNS HIM because she is THE FLASH or something.
The hell? Why am I only driving 3 miles an hour? Did Skynet program me to obey the speed limit in a school zone or what?
MICHAEL blows up ARNOLD'S TRUCK and ARNOLD dies...
Only to be reborn as ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD!
Wow, the CGI in this film looks so real. You know, like they actually built a real life cyborg and then filmed it without the aid of computer graphics.
That's because I was the fucking man.
INT. MACHINE FACTORY
ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD chases MICHAEL and LINDA here. Well, not so much "chases" as "slowly limps in their general direction"
Come out Linda! Do you have any idea how long it took me to build up all that muscle tone?! I may have limited movement and my leg might be all fucked to hell but I am still going to murder you bitch!
He's right Michael, Animatronic-Arnold is moving pretty slowly. We could just run away and call the cops. They'd have no choice but to believe your story now.
(holding lit pipe-bomb)
Oh shit! If only you had mentioned that 5 seconds earlier--
ANIMATRONIC-ARNOLD blows up too and is transformed into PARAPLEGIC ROBO-ARNOLD!
Where's a Hoveround when you need one? But I'm still scary though! Look!
(crawls after LINDA, menacingly)
See? I can still crawl! Come here Linda! Don't make me crawl your ass to death!
Okay, for reals, YOU HAVE NO LEGS! Sure my leg took a little shrapnel, but I could still just hop away or beat you to death with your own severed leg!
Oh come on Linda! Can't you just pretend your legs don't work too? Have you no sense of fairness?
Hey! I've got fairness coming out of my asshole! I challenge you to crawl-race me to that crusher thing over there!
And you're terminated, fucker!
LINDA pushes some buttons and crushes ROBO-ARNOLD!
Aw no fair! You couldn't even see the buttons you were pushing! You just got lucky and hit the right one--
ELECTRICITY shoots out of ROBO-ARNOLD and hits LINDA, but she's wearing RUBBER SKIN or something so she's OKAY.
KNOCKED UP LINDA is here instead of ON TRIAL for the suspected murder of her INSANE HOBO BOYFRIEND.
(recording a message to her unborn baby)
...so Michael's your father and you have to send him back in time for a temporal booty call or you won't exist.
Or in the prime time-line I slept with some asshole who was your original father and Michael retroactively killed the real John Conner by invading my uterus with his future sperm. This is kind of a clusterfuck of a plot hole.
He makes a strong argument, Linda.
So with the huge success of this film I'm destined to follow in Sigourney Weaver's footsteps and become a huge A List movie actress instead of wallowing in TV show obscurity. Yessir, the future is sure looking up for me.
Countless resources, dozens of years and millions of hours of research in time travel technology, and the only thing we were able to terminate was Linda's career? We deserve to lose.