Worst. Flash mob. ever.


Worst. Flash mob. ever.

FANTASTIC FOUR (2005)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JULIAN MCMAHON'S OFFICE

IOAN GRUFFUDD whimpers his way into JULIAN MCMAHON'S office. MICHAEL CHIKLIS follows behind gruffly.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Julian, there's a deadly cosmic storm brewing. We should observe it for Science!

JULIAN MCMAHON

Sounds good, as long as I can go too, since so often do powerful company owners go into space.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Me want space!

JULIAN MCMAHON

Now please drool like a pathetic dog over Jessica Alba. Try to ignore her ridiculously tall hair.

JESSICA ALBA

I'm the Director of Genetic Research. Really.

JULIAN MCMAHON

That's right, she heads up the T&A, er, R&D department.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

It's slobberin' time.

INT. SPACE SHIP

IOAN, JULIAN, MICHAEL, and JESSICA all go into space. CHRIS EVANS approaches.

CHRIS EVANS

I'm a rambunctious sort, which qualifies me to be an astronaut, I guess.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Me hate Chris Evans!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Oh no, I used Science wrong, and now we will be blasted with Evil Science!

They ARE. Instead of killing them, this gives them SUPER POWERS.

EXT. EARTH

Back on EARTH, CHRIS EVANS wastes 4 minutes of our lives SNOWBOARDING down a mountain for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

CHRIS EVANS

Drink Mountain Dew! TO THE EXTREME!

He bursts into flames but he is TOTALLY COOL about it since he's WAY COOL. IOAN pants over JESSICA in an embarrassing manner. The dialogue awkwardly contorts itself in order to deliver this line:

JESSICA ALBA

(turning invisible)

It's nice to be seen.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Holy shit, you're turning invisible! And look, I can stretch my body like a hunk of rubber with infinite mass!

CHRIS EVANS

And I can control fire! And fly!

JESSICA ALBA

Wow, my power fucking sucks!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Maybe Michael Chiklis's power sucks more, let's find him.

They look for MICHAEL, but he has RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

INT. BROOKLYN BRIDGE

MICHAEL CHIKLIS, wearing an ORANGE RUBBER SUIT, makes a BIG SCENE. The FANTASTIC THREE arrive but cannot get through the crowd!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Oh no! The crowd is so thick that we cannot get to Michael. Jessica, turn invisible, because apparently being invisible also means that you can walk through people.

JESSICA ALBA

Okay. I'll strip down to just my underwear, then become visible again to show off my tits, then invisible again.

She becomes invisible and somehow this lets her get past the crowd. Meanwhile, IOAN and CHRIS also get through the crowd effortlessly, without the help of invisibility.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Ioan, my fiancee left me because I'm a hideous monster.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

You're better off. She must have only loved you for your looks.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

But I looked like Michael Chiklis.

Suddenly, there are some explosions and some other random crap. Everyone uses their special power to save people, except JESSICA ALBA, whose power sucks, so she gets a second one.

Meanwhile...

INT. CORPORATE MEETING ROOM

JULIAN MCMAHON is meeting with GENERIC GREEDY BUSINESSMEN

GENERIC GREEDY BUSINESSMAN

We're taking over your company.

JULIAN MCMAHON

Losing control of my own corporation? This drives me into a homicidal rage! I must now murder all of you while wearing a silly-looking mask with a mouth that doesn't move when I speak!

He DOES.

GENERIC GREEDY BUSINESSMAN

This is entirely unlike Spider-man!

(dies)

INT. IOAN'S APARTMENT

IOAN is working in his lab.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

I'm almost finished with my super power-reversal chamber.

JESSICA ALBA

So, if you can just create a cosmic storm on your own, why did we all have to go into space again?

IOAN GRUFFUDD

For Science!

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

Alright, let me use the chamber and remove my rubber suit.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

No, wait. The Science isn't fully tested. I'm very methodical and exact with my Science.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

...

IOAN GRUFFUDD

It's my character flaw.

MICHAEL CHIKLIS

...

IOAN GRUFFUDD

It gives me depth!

MICHAEL uses the machine and turns back to a normal person.

EXT. CITY STREET

JULIAN MCMAHON tries to KILL EVERYONE, because he is the BAD GUY.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

We won't let you get away with this, Julian!

JULIAN MCMAHON

Get away with what? I'm trying to kill you guys with no apparent goal in mind. I just want attention.

Suddenly, MICHAEL shows up, back in the ORANGE RUBBER SUIT.

JESSICA ALBA

Michael! You turned back!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Yeah! That makes no sense at all!

CHRIS EVANS

Now we can combine our four powers to destroy Julian!

JESSICA ALBA

Five powers, if you count my power that isn't totally worthless!

They fight. IOAN irritates JULIAN briefly without accomplishing anything, but then CHRIS surrounds JULIAN in a tornado of flame which JESSICA contains. MICHAEL does nothing for the entire battle, then finally does something anyone else could do, having sacrificed normality for no reason. Eventually Julian is showered with water.

JULIAN MCMAHON

Oh no, Science! My only weakness!

His super-hot metal body freezes from being cooled quickly.

JULIAN MCMAHON

This is entirely unlike Terminator!

(dies)

(not really)

CHRIS EVANS

You did it, Ioan!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

With Science!

JESSICA ALBA

I love you, inexplicably!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Learning is fun!

END


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