Fantastic Four: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 13th, 2005 |
11 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. JULIAN MCMAHON’S OFFICE
IOAN GRUFFUDD whimpers his way into JULIAN MCMAHON’S office. MICHAEL CHIKLIS follows behind gruffly.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Julian, there’s a deadly cosmic storm brewing. We should observe it for Science!
JULIAN MCMAHON
Sounds good, as long as I can go too, since so often do powerful company owners go into space.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Me want space!
JULIAN MCMAHON
Now please drool like a pathetic dog over Jessica Alba. Try to ignore her ridiculously tall hair.
JESSICA ALBA
I’m the Director of Genetic Research. Really.
JULIAN MCMAHON
That’s right, she heads up the T&A, er, R&D department.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
It’s slobberin’ time.
INT. SPACE SHIP
IOAN, JULIAN, MICHAEL, and JESSICA all go into space. CHRIS EVANS approaches.
CHRIS EVANS
I’m a rambunctious sort, which qualifies me to be an astronaut, I guess.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Me hate Chris Evans!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Oh no, I used Science wrong, and now we will be blasted with Evil Science!
They ARE. Instead of killing them, this gives them SUPER POWERS.
EXT. EARTH
Back on EARTH, CHRIS EVANS wastes 4 minutes of our lives SNOWBOARDING down a mountain for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.
CHRIS EVANS
Drink Mountain Dew! TO THE EXTREME!
He bursts into flames but he is TOTALLY COOL about it since he’s WAY COOL. IOAN pants over JESSICA in an embarrassing manner. The dialogue awkwardly contorts itself in order to deliver this line:
JESSICA ALBA
(turning invisible)
It’s nice to be seen.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Holy shit, you’re turning invisible! And look, I can stretch my body like a hunk of rubber with infinite mass!
CHRIS EVANS
And I can control fire! And fly!
JESSICA ALBA
Wow, my power fucking sucks!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Maybe Michael Chiklis’s power sucks more, let’s find him.
They look for MICHAEL, but he has RUN AWAY FROM HOME.
INT. BROOKLYN BRIDGE
MICHAEL CHIKLIS, wearing an ORANGE RUBBER SUIT, makes a BIG SCENE. The FANTASTIC THREE arrive but cannot get through the crowd!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Oh no! The crowd is so thick that we cannot get to Michael. Jessica, turn invisible, because apparently being invisible also means that you can walk through people.
JESSICA ALBA
Okay. I’ll strip down to just my underwear, then become visible again to show off my tits, then invisible again.
She becomes invisible and somehow this lets her get past the crowd. Meanwhile, IOAN and CHRIS also get through the crowd effortlessly, without the help of invisibility.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ioan, my fiancee left me because I’m a hideous monster.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
You’re better off. She must have only loved you for your looks.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
But I looked like Michael Chiklis.
Suddenly, there are some explosions and some other random crap. Everyone uses their special power to save people, except JESSICA ALBA, whose power sucks, so she gets a second one.
Meanwhile…
INT. CORPORATE MEETING ROOM
JULIAN MCMAHON is meeting with GENERIC GREEDY BUSINESSMEN
GENERIC GREEDY BUSINESSMAN
We’re taking over your company.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Losing control of my own corporation? This drives me into a homicidal rage! I must now murder all of you while wearing a silly-looking mask with a mouth that doesn’t move when I speak!
He DOES.
GENERIC GREEDY BUSINESSMAN
This is entirely unlike Spider-man!
(dies)
INT. IOAN’S APARTMENT
IOAN is working in his lab.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m almost finished with my super power-reversal chamber.
JESSICA ALBA
So, if you can just create a cosmic storm on your own, why did we all have to go into space again?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
For Science!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Alright, let me use the chamber and remove my rubber suit.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
No, wait. The Science isn’t fully tested. I’m very methodical and exact with my Science.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
…
IOAN GRUFFUDD
It’s my character flaw.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
…
IOAN GRUFFUDD
It gives me depth!
MICHAEL uses the machine and turns back to a normal person.
EXT. CITY STREET
JULIAN MCMAHON tries to KILL EVERYONE, because he is the BAD GUY.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
We won’t let you get away with this, Julian!
JULIAN MCMAHON
Get away with what? I’m trying to kill you guys with no apparent goal in mind. I just want attention.
Suddenly, MICHAEL shows up, back in the ORANGE RUBBER SUIT.
JESSICA ALBA
Michael! You turned back!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Yeah! That makes no sense at all!
CHRIS EVANS
Now we can combine our four powers to destroy Julian!
JESSICA ALBA
Five powers, if you count my power that isn’t totally worthless!
They fight. IOAN irritates JULIAN briefly without accomplishing anything, but then CHRIS surrounds JULIAN in a tornado of flame which JESSICA contains. MICHAEL does nothing for the entire battle, then finally does something anyone else could do, having sacrificed normality for no reason. Eventually Julian is showered with water.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Oh no, Science! My only weakness!
His super-hot metal body freezes from being cooled quickly.
JULIAN MCMAHON
This is entirely unlike Terminator!
(dies)
(not really)
CHRIS EVANS
You did it, Ioan!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
With Science!
JESSICA ALBA
I love you, inexplicably!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Learning is fun!
END
I can’t watch this movie anymore.. this script is just that good. The moment I see Michael Chiklis’ face all I can think of is him screaming “ME WANT SPACE,” and I have to turn it off because I laugh too much. Simply awesome.
July 9th, 2007 at 4:04 pmI agree, awsome!!
July 18th, 2007 at 1:55 amHA!SCIENCE!!!
Evil Science….im gonna start a band and call it that. because….awesome
April 19th, 2008 at 2:09 pm“She becomes invisible and somehow this lets her get past the crowd. Meanwhile, IOAN and CHRIS also get through the crowd effortlessly, without the help of invisibility.”
This bugged the crap out of me the first time I saw it, and it’s no less irritating on subsequent viewings.
Chiklis’s rubber suit may have been obviously fake, but at least it allowed him to actually BE the Thing, not be Ben Grimm for a while, then just some animation.
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pmThis was hilarious. So much better than the actual movie.
Rob, I ask again, can I have your babies?
July 16th, 2008 at 7:15 pmThey became heros for stopping the catastrophe on the bridge…but they CAUSED the catastrophe!
You don’t give a mugger a medal for returning your purse after he lights it on fire…or do you?
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 amOMG! Mudkipz!
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 pmFF is definetely one of the worst superhero movies to date. I hate Tim Story, it was obvious he picked Alba just for her looks.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:43 am“It’s slobberin’ time” lmfao
You know the most utterly depressing thing about Fantastic Four? No, it's not that it made a truckload of money or had a sequel when infinitely better movies bomb at the box office. The most depressing thing is that it was nominated for 11 awards ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120667/awards ) and only 1 of those was a Razzie.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:14 amthat was fucking funny
September 14th, 2009 at 4:07 amThe extreme sports bullshit made everything worse. Precious time which could have served the movie better elsewhere. The bridge scene seemed a lot like a Spider-Man scene, realism is completely and blatantly dispensed to conform with the script. Somehow the police were able to make a police blockade even though the bridge is jammed bumper to bumper by cars and the pedestrians that were in the FF's way wouldn't have been there.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:58 am