"Everyone remembered their junk protectors right? ...Don't bother answering that, Chadwick."


"Everyone remembered their junk protectors right? ...Don't bother answering that, Chadwick."

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

The Abridged Script

NOTE: This script ALSO has an expanded, mega-huge Infinite Authors' Cut available to all our Patrons (or anyone with a completed Infinity Gauntlet). You can check it out here.

FADE IN:

INT. ASGARDIAN SHIP - THE END OF THOR RAGNAROK

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(beaming with pride)

That was one goofy adventure, brother! We may have lost Asgard, but you and me are finally best buds and we’re finding a new home for our people and we made all kinds of wacky new friends and AW FUCK WE'RE GETTING MURDERED

(beaten to pulp)

HALF the ASGARDIANS get their NECKS FUCKING SNAPPED through SHEER TONAL WHIPLASH, as CGI JOSH BROLIN fucking WRECKS EVERYONE'S SHIT while looking all PUFFED-UP and PURPLE like a GIANT WALKING BRUISE.

JOSH SWOLLEN

I have allowed half of Asgard to live, and allowed only half the audience to realize half of Asgard survived, in keeping with my Two-Face approach to villainy. Now give me the Tesseract, Tom Hiddleston, or I kill Chris! The way I know you have it is... well, I guess for this entire movie to make any sense we’ll have to assume I can sense Infinity Stones somehow.

TOM HIDDLESTON

Ah, but... we have a Hulk! He decided not to even TRY fighting until now just so I could do that cool callback to Avengers 1.

HULK RUFFALO charges out of nowhere and ATTACKS! But JOSH effortlessly CURBSTOMPS HULK, shrugging off HULK PUNCHES as though they were LICKS FROM A LABRADOODLE PUPPY and thus rendering half the upcoming fight scenes COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE.

IDRIS ELBA

(weakly)

Argh... just enough life left... to activate the Bifrost one last time! Should I save the Tesseract, the thing we're desperate to not let Josh have? Or Chris, my best friend, King, and greatest warrior of our people? Or perhaps the utterly defeated dude I barely know? I'd say the choice is clear!!

(teleports Ruffalo to Earth)

(stabbed)

JOSH puts the MAGIC BLUE ROCK from the TESSERACT into his TACKY GOLD MET-GALA GLOVE, giving him TWO INFINITY STONES, HOLY SHIT! Oh did we mention he already got the first stone between movies?

TOM HIDDLESTON

Well this sucks ass. But I still have one final weapon at my disposal!

(smiles, winks)

(pause)

Hm that usually solves everything. Hang on.

(smiles, winks again)

(pause)

(smiles, winks WITH ALL HIS GODLY MIGHT)

JOSH SWOLLEN

Sorry Tom, but you've winked, and smiled... for the last time.

(kills Tom!!!)

(no but really)

(no no we mean it)

(would we lie about this)

(okay yes, we would, but honestly we're not)

(Tom... IS DEAD!!!)

IDRIS ELBA

Upstaging prick.

(dies)

JOSH’S MINIONS head to EARTH and JOSH fucks off to SOMEWHERE ELSE and CHRIS is left floating in SPACE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

At least we managed to send out a distress signal. Hopefully somebody will pick it up! And if I’m insanely, ridiculously lucky, I might even be picked up by the galaxy’s foremost Josh Swollen expert.

INT. EARTH - NEW YORK - SANCTUM SANCTORUM

MARK RUFFALO, having been thrown at THE ENTIRE PLANET EARTH, naturally happens to crash-land in the EXACT SAME ROOM as BENEDICTS CUMBERBATCH and WONG!!

MARK RUFFALO

DWURP, I’m back to normal, and as was clearly established in Ragnarok, that means I have no recollection of what happened while I was Hulk.

(plot)

Oh right. What I meant was, JOSH SWOLLEN’S COMING YOU GUYS, SHIT’S GETTING REEEAAALLL

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Fortunately this isn’t one of the standalone movies, we can actually call the fucking Avengers for once!

(opens portal to Central Park)

Robert Downey Jr., I require your help to save the universe! Who imagined saying THAT eleven years ago, huh.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(appearing)

Right, I'm here. How about you explain to the audience, oops I mean me, what's going on?

BENEDICT WONG

(creates magickal Power-Point deck)

Josh is collecting the Infinity Stones. They reflect the six fundamental aspects of our existence: Star-power, Wisecracks, CGI, Cross-promotion, Continuity, and Mass-Marketing.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

We call them the Power, Soul, Reality, Space, Time, and Mind stones, for short.

(points to necklace)

I have the Time Stone right here. It has the awesome power to undo anything bad that happens, and also to make us totally forget we can undo anything bad that happens.

BENEDICT WONG

If Josh puts all six Stones into his evil glove, he'll have the power to kill half the universe just by snapping his fingers! And to make half the universe tap-dance by doing jazz hands, but hopefully it won't come to that...

Suddenly a MASSIVE SPACESHIP appears over NEW YORK! It is a giant HULA HOOP with SPARKS because the MCU loves its SPARKY HULA HOOPS, yo. From it emerge CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR and CGI TERRY NOTARY!

CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR

Greetings, we are two of the Children of Thanos! I am Blueberry Scone and this is Cult Amphibian!! I am the most dangerous of the Black Order since I actually have a personality. Oh, and telekinesis.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Well this is a new MCU movie with Iron Man in it, so you know what that means: yet another gimmicky new suit! This one is formed from billions of nanomachines stored in my chest thing, which somehow doesn’t weigh a literal ton.

TOM HOLLAND

(on a bus ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN)

Oh hey I have spider-sense now, when did that happen? Never mind that, gotta go help!

(swings into action!)

Our first proper FIGHT SCENE BEGINS!! TERRY and BENEDICT and TOM and ROBERT and BENEDICT and TOM take turns waiting JUST OUT OF FRAME so they can SUDDENLY SWOOP INTO FRAME and ATTACK!

MARK RUFFALO

Guys, come on! Can't we do better fight choreography than "leaping out of nowhere while doing a special move"?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Hunker down, buddy, every battle scene in the entire movie’s gonna be like this.

BENEDICT WONG

Well I'm gonna do something cool, I can use a portal to sever CGI Terry's hand! Ah, that is such a good trick to use when your enemy's main weapon is, let's say, on his hand. Like an evil glove or something. Just putting it out there.

However CGI TOM captures CUMBERBATCH and the ALIEN SHIP begins flying off! ROBERT and SPIDEY-TOM hitch a ride while BENEDICT WONG stays behind to guard one single building that's already smashed to shit.

GWYNETH PALTROW

(on radio)

Dammit Robert you get back here right this minute! I know we're not even married yet but I'm diving right into the "nagging wife" stereotype!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Sorry babe. If I don't make it back I know you'll get by somehow.

GWYNETH PALTROW

(launches new Infinity-Stone-themed line of vag steamers and kegel accessories)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

That's my girl.

EXT. THE GUARDIANS' SPACESHIP

Meanwhile, CHRIS HEMSWORTH is found by CHRIS PRATT, ZOE SALADANA, DAVE BLUETISTA, BRADLEY RACCOOPER, POM KLEMONTIEFF, and VIN TRIESEL! The GUARDIANS spend some time PERVING ON UNCONSCIOUS HEMSWORTH and then finally WAKE HIM UP.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Well met, new allies! We'll need all the combined might we can possibly muster to defeat Josh, so let's split up. The CGI characters should come with me to the galactic forge called Ninadobrev.

(smiles)

You see, in Thor Ragnarok I learned my true power lies within myself and I never needed my hammer at all. So step one, I need a new hammer.

DAVE BLUETISTA

Like the one that failed to even put a dent in Iron Man’s armor in The Avengers?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Exactly like that. The rest of you go after Benicio Del Wierdo’s Infinity Stone, which Josh is certainly going to want next. I'm sure you'll succeed where half of Asgard failed!

ZOE SALADANA

All right, we’ll go. But Chris P., I have secret information that Josh needs for his evil plan, so if I'm captured by him you better promise to kill me!

CHRIS PRATT

Or you could swap places with Vin and never even be in the same room with Josh in the first place.

ZOE SALADANA

What, thwart the main villain right here and now and short-circuit the whole plot of the movie? Fuck that.

HEMSWORTH and BRADLEY and VIN hop in a POD and set course for the galactic forge called NICKYNICKY-NINEDOORS.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

So Chris, I can't help but notice you seem a bit... THORrowful, heh heh. Heh.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(ruefully)

My brother's dead. My parents are dead. Half my people are dead. What more do I have to lose?

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

I dunno but maybe perhaps THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR PEOPLE?!? Or did you send Tessa and Korg away with all the shitty Asgardians?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yes, they insisted on standing to my right. Those fuckers.

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

Which reminds me, have a new eyeball! It pops into your socket and sends images to your brain by hurberbling your plugurble.

EXT. SCOTLAND

Meanwhile, PURPAUL BETTANY and ELIZABETH OLSEN have been taking time away from superheroing to BONE and re-enact various HUGH GRANT ROMCOMS.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Ah, it’s nice to get a quiet drama scene and take a breather from the frenetic-

HAHA AS IF!! JOSH’S MINIONS ATTACK!

CGI CARRIE COON

Bwah ha, I am Plaxico Midwife and this is Curvy Glove! I look like Senua from Hellblade, but with horns instead of a headband!

CGI MICHAEL JAMES SHAW

Whereas I am identical to Styx, from the stealth/action video game series of the same name! Look the art department are only human, there's only so many hours in the day to design shit.

They STAB PURPAUL and nearly kill ELIZABETH but then who should appear but CHRIS EVANS, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and ANTHONY MACKIE!

CHRIS EVANS

You may have made quick work of this killbot and sorceress and their undefined godlike powers, but let's see how you handle three human fighters armed with steroids, a jetpack, and a vagina!

ANTHONY MACKIE

(flying)

PLUS I HAVE REGULAR HUMAN GUNS

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wait, whatever happened to my wrist-zappers? Oh fuck it.

They WAIL on the JOSH MINIONS and SCARLETT delivers a major STAB WOUND to CGI MICHAEL! Facing defeat, the MINIONS summon their drop-ships full of rampaging beast aliens teleport away.

CHRIS EVANS

Well they escaped. But here I am, ready to kick epic amounts of ass and have serious conflict and character growth, as usual!

(heroic pose)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

You know this isn’t a Captain America movie, right? It’s an Avengers movie.

CHRIS EVANS

Oh. Damn. Well then I guess here I am to just sort of hang around and fill out the action scenes a bit, as usual!

(heroic pose)

EXT. BENNY DEL WEIRDO'S EASTER EGG EMPORIUM

PRATT, ZOE, DAVE, and POM arrive and find JOSH SWOLLEN, and ZOE IMMEDIATELY FUCKING KILLS HIM HOLY FUCK well of course it's a trick. Instead JOSH insta-kills DAVE and POM, and grabs ZOE!

CHRIS PRATT

NOOOO! Let her go or I shoot dammit! Argh, the horrible unthinkable scenario we came up with ten minutes ago has come to pass!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Dude I'm like five times her size, if you can't hit me from three feet away you're just fucking incompetent.

JOSH turns PRATT'S GUN into a BUBBLE GUN and then teleports away with ZOE, having messed with PRATT'S head just to be a DICK.

DAVE BLUETISTA

(recovering)

Phew! Luckily my getting turned into Lego blocks was a through-and-through, I'm fine now.

POM KLEMONTIEFF

(recovering)

And I'm un-spaghettified! So was that, like, an illusion? It only LOOKED like we'd been horribly murdered, to ourselves?? Or was that reality, in which case how the fuck did we survive?

INT. EARTH - THE AVENGERS COMPOUND WHICH, IF YOU'RE AN INTERNATIONAL FUGITIVE, YOU CAN JUST WALTZ INTO APPARENTLY

TEAM CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives and finds DON CHEADLE there!

DON CHEADLE

Oh hey, I haven't seen you guys since Purpaul Bettany lasered my spine and I lost use of my legs. How the heck are you!! Get in here!

(hugs)

Did you bring Hawkeye and Ant-Man too?

ANTHONY MACKIE

Of course not! Who needs stupid Hawkeye anyway. And what's Small Rudd gonna do, make the Infinity Gauntlet 50 feet tall so it's impossible to snap the fingers? Shrink it to subatomic size so nobody can ever find it? HA HA HA HA wait a damn second

CHRIS EVANS

YES SADLY Ant-Man is unavailable for this conflict. And there's no way the impending death of half the universe could be made a higher priority than his house arrest.

MARK RUFFALO

I'm here too! Oh hai Scarlett. LOL this is awkward, we haven't talked since you threw me down a giant hole.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yeah how about we don't so much as look at each other the whole rest of this movie, okay?

MARK RUFFALO

Deal!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

We're gonna need help dealing with Purpaul's Infinity Stone. But Downey's gone, Michael Douglas is unreachable, SHIELD is back home on the PVR, and the Inhumans show was moose barf. I don't suppose we have YET ANOTHER source of super-advanced technology and ultra-genius science brains...

CHRIS EVANS

(lightbulb!)

INT. JOSH'S SECRET HIDEOUT LAIR HEADQUARTERS MAN-CAVE PLAYSET

JOSH brings ZOE to his GIANT STONE GARDEN ROOM.

JOSH SWOLLEN

I guess it’s about time I explained my motivations to you, the one person in this whole movie who already knows them. I'm going to kill half the universe to solve overpopulation. Yes, there are flaws with his plan, and you can go spend a few hours on social media if you want a list, but the alternative was me wanting to literally fuck a skeleton.

ZOE SALADANA

Ew. Good call.

JOSH SWOLLEN

Now, I need you to divulge the location of the Soul Stone. Which kinda squashes the “can sense Infinity Stones” theory I guess. Anyway, tell me where it is or I’ll torture your sister Mecharen Gillan, who I'm already torturing, but like, I'll do it a bit worse.

MECHAREN GILLAN

AAARRRRGHHHH I AM SLIGHTLY MORE DISSASSEMBLED THAN BEEFOOOOORRREEEE

ZOE SALADANA

(tries to resist but...)

DANTOOINE! .... it's on Dantooine.

(pause)

I mean, Volmir.

JOSH takes ZOE and leaves.

MECHAREN GILLAN

Damn! If only there had been some means for me to escape!

(instantly escapes)

...Well that’s embarrassing.

EXT. FARAWAY PROG-ROCK CONCEPT-ALBUM COVER-ART PLANET

JOSH and ZOE climb a MOUNTAIN and meet a SHADOWY FIGURE who is in fact... HUGO WEA-

ROSS MARQUAND

AHEMCOUGHCOUGH Surprise it's me, the Red Skull, exactly as you saw and heard him in Captain America 1!

(to camera)

Hey audience, if you can do a passable Robert Downey Jr., send your resume to the website at the bottom of the screen! Yes, this is the future.

(to Josh)

Bad news. Unlike the other Stones that don't give two flying fucks who uses them, the Soul Stone is on some kind of diva trip and has certain demands. You must sacrifice someone you love to get it.

JOSH SWOLLEN

Well that’s handy! I only love one person, and she happens to currently be standing four feet away from me. Seriously, this is one humongous piece of luck.

ZOE tries stabbing herself but her KNIFE becomes HARMLESS SOAP BUBBLES! Instead, JOSH HURLS ZOE off the MOUNTAIN.

ZOE SALADANA

Pfft, you expect this fall to kill me? Did you not see the kind of insane punishment I was able to shrug off in Guardians Volume Two?

(goes splat and dies)

Well this is some bullshit right here.

JOSH gets the SOUL STONE!

ROSS MARQUAND

And so, my long vigil is ended! What plan does Fate have for me now, I wonder?

(Walking Dead renewed)

Fuck.

INT. ALIEN DONUT SHIP

ROBERT and GOOD TOM enact a sneaky plan to save CUMBERBATCH from EVIL TOM.

CGI TOM VAUGHAN-LAWLOR

Not so fast! I’ve demonstrated such power and ruthlessness so far that it will surely require an epic showdown to finally defeat-

(fired into space)

AW FUCK, IF ONLY A PERSON WITH TELEKINETIC POWERS COULD PROPEL HIMSELF BACK ONTO HIS SPACESHIP SOMEHOW

CARRIE FISHER

(facepalms)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Well that sure was a plan that only your movie trivia brain could have devised, and my genius scientist engineering brain never could have. Spidey-Tom, you’re an Avenger now. Here’s your robo-suit.

TOM HOLLAND

I see. So that’s my character arc from Homecoming fucked right to shit, then. Cool.

EXT. TITAN

ROBERT, SPIDEY-TOM, and CUMBERBATCH crash-land on JOSH'S HOME PLANET of TITAN. Then suddenly PRATT, DAVE, and POM show up, having gotten a space voicemail from MECHAREN GILLAN!

CHRIS PRATT

Hey, you know how the Avengers movies always find some excuse to have the heroes fight each other? Well this seems like as good a time as any!

(fights)

SPIDEY-TOM

Wait guys, we’re on your side! We’re the Avengers, heroes of Earth, here to stop Josh!!

CHRIS PRATT

Oh, okay. Note that I’m showing not the slightest bit of surprise upon finding out that my home planet now apparently contains spider-people, guys in flying robot armor, and actual goddamn WIZARDS. So what's the plan?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I just looked into our possible futures. There's 14,000,605 futures where we lose and 1 future where we win.

CHRIS PRATT

Okay... so you're going to tell us what happens in that one winning future right? So we can all do that?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I think it's best if only I know. So sue me, I wanted to have some value in this movie beyond MacGuffin Storage Device.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Dude!! If there's only one precise path to victory amongst millions, then each and every one of our smallest decisions is critical! Fucking share already!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(whistles)

TOM HOLLAND

Right, fuck him. We're gonna need all our energy to fight Josh so I'm going to eat this protein bar I found in my suit...

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(arches eyebrows)

(shakes head)

TOM HOLLAND

...or... NOT eat this protein bar?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(coughs violently)

TOM HOLLAND

Or... eat HALF this protein bar?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

(nods)

(thumbs up)

TOM HOLLAND

Oh man.

(raises bar toward mouth)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

NOT THAT HAAAAALFF

INT. GALACTIC FORGE CALLED NEVERGIVEUP-NEVERSURRENDER

HEMSWORTH, BRADLEY, and VIN arrive at the FORGE and find TWENTY-FOOT-TALL PETER DINKLAGE!

PETER DINKHUGE

And look, I seem super giant next to you, without being a squishy CGI cartoon! We actually know how to do that! Anyhoo, could I interest you in some SPACE PANTS?!?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Nay, I require a new weapon, and... is that the mold for the Infinity Gauntlet over there?

PETER DINKHUGE

It is. Yes, 'twas I who created Josh's custom-made, one-of-a-kind glove that never existed before, which means the gauntlet at Asgard is back to being a plot hole NICE TRY RAGNAROK.

(holds up hands)

And look!! He made me shove my hands into molten unobtanium, and now they're just useless blocks! I'll never work my precious machine again! And no that's not a masturbation joke! Except now it is, shit!! DAMN YOUU JOSSSSHHHH

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

Are you sure you can't work the forge? I just see a lot of levers and big switches, nothing you'd need fingers for.

PETER DINKHUGE

I don't know... Let me try...

(works machines with no difficulty)

Okay guess we're good then.

CHRIS and BRADLEY restart the FORGE using the same logic as PUSH-STARTING A CAR WITH A FLAT BATTERY, which WORKS! CHRIS then holds open a SPACE-DOOR for THE GREATER GOOD even though it RISKS HIS LIFE, which could also be a sentence from PASSENGERS, RUH ROH!! They successfully forge an AXE HEAD but must finish the AXE or else HEMSWORTH will die!!

PETER DINKHUGE

(searching)

Oh crap, where’s the axe handle? Did I seriously forget the axe handle?! THERE ARE LITERALLY ONLY TWO COMPONENTS TO AN AXE HOW DID I NOT THINK TO PREPARE THIS IN ADVANCE FUUUUCK

VIN TRIESEL sees an opportunity to make FRESH MERCHANDISE so he chops off his ARM to make the handle, successfully creating a BRAND NEW ACCESSORY to be sold at finer collectable stores everywhere!

VIN TRIESEL

(holds up axe)

I am loot!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Yes, finally, after all this effort and nearly dying, I have my unstoppable new weapon!! I sure hope Josh hasn't gained the power to turn any weapon into harmless soap bubbles, ha ha ha.

EXT. WAKANDA

TEAM CAPTAIN AMERICA arrives at WAKANDA and is welcomed by T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN!! Also SEBASTIAN STAN is there, five simple words that somehow merited an entire POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE.

CHRIS EVANS

T'Chadwick, we want you to use some of your bullshit vibranium tech to try and pull the Mind Stone out of Paul’s head without killing him. And, there! We finally managed to come up with narrative excuses to put every character in the MCU into one movie.

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

What about Hawkeye and Ant-Man and Sif and Happy Hogan and-

CHRIS EVANS

OH FUCK YOU WE TRIED OUR BEST OKAY, YOU TRY KEEPING TRACK OF EVERY LAST ONE OF THESE ASSHOLES.

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Very well, we will help.

(in every single trailer)

Get this man a shield!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(awkwardly throwing her voice)

...and get this woman some wrist-zappers

CHRIS EVANS

AH YES MY SHIELD but of course, since you guys pretty much brush your teeth with vibranium, you can give me back my iconic big round shield which also works as a versatile projectile weapon!

LETITIA WRIGHT

Actually we're giving you two small, awkward shields which stick to your forearms and aren’t really that useful as weapons OR shields.

CHRIS EVANS

Oh.

DANAI GURIRA

But hey, they’re approximately the same shape as Captain America’s original shield from the comics, so that’s cool, right? FANSERVICE!

LETITIA WRIGHT begins working on PURPAUL, DANAI GURIRA marshals the WAKANDAN ARMY, and LUPITA NYONG'O is unavailable due to a scheduling conflict. The JOSH SWOLLEN MINION SHIPS arrive but cannot penetrate the FORCE BUBBLE around the capital!

MARK RUFFALO

Man, New York sure could have used one of these force bubbles.

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

We were getting around to it okay? We had to finish the community outreach centres first, they were heartwarming!!

DON CHEADLE

It's true, I got all sniffly.

Our heroes go towards the wall to confront the CGI MINIONS who are now just CARRIE COON and TERRY NOTARY.

CGI CARRIE COON

Alas, CGI Michael James Shaw is, um, dead! Yeah that's it. He died from that wound before, yep.

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Excellent! Danai, remove CGI Michael from the list of people the giant force-dome repels. We can use that extra bit of freed-up data space to help Letitia's work on Purpaul Bettany!

CGI CARRIE COON

Heh, heh. Suckers.

But CGI MICHAEL is in fact NOT DEAD and can now PARADE RIGHT THE FUCK IN to the WAKANDAN LABS and take out LETITIA!! He and PURPAUL BETTANY fall out of the building and FIGHT, while CGI CARRIE sends a wave of VENOM KNOCKOFF ALIENS against the shield! They start BREAKING THROUGH!!

CHRIS EVANS

Remember we must protect the final Stone! If we can limit Josh to only five... well, he'll probably keep committing genocide one planet at a time while still being too powerful for any of us to do shit about it. But... it will TAKE LONGER!!

And so we come to the REALLY BIG CONFUSING MEGAFIGHT SCENE!!

CHRIS EVANS

(fighting)

Actually these scaled-down, modestly budgeted, easily overlooked shields aren't too bad! Now why did that remind me of Clark Gregg. Anyway thank you, T'Chadwick!

SEBASTIAN STAN

(fighting)

I'm loving my bitchin' new cyborg arm, T'Chadwick, thanks!!

MARK RUFFALO

(fighting)

Wheee, I'm using the Hulkbuster Iron Man suit that I guess was gathering dust all through the Black Panther movie! It's so awesome the Wakandans took the time and effort to get it all fixed up just for me!!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(fighting and grumbling)

...two tiny fucking wrist zappers though, oh nooooo that's just too much fucking trouble...

WAKANDAN SOLDIER #1

(neck ripped out)

It sure was noble of the Avengers to choose this over just blowing up Purpaul.

WAKANDAN SOLDIER #2

(torn to pieces)

Yes, hundreds of us will perish today, and if we lose then trillions will die across the galaxy, but at least Elizabeth’s boyfriend is fine!

The VENOM KNOCKOFFS just KEEP COMING!! MARK tries to summon HULK but HULK refuses!

MARK RUFFALO

C'mon Hulk! All the trailers show you fighting Josh's minions in Wakanda, you gotta show up!!

HULK RUFFALO

NO WAY!! HULK SCARED AFTER GETTING STOMPED BY JOSH SWOLLEN, THIS IS NOT SOME BIG FUCKING MYSTERY DESPITE WHAT CERTAIN CRITICS MIGHT SAY

Things start looking bad for our heroes, in exactly the same way it started looking bad in the final Avengers 1 fight, but WAIT WHOSE MUSIC IS THAT?!? FUCK YEAH IT'S CHHHRRRIIIS HEMMMSWOOOORTHHH AND LET'S ALL JUST PRETEND THEY USED IMMIGRANT SONG AGAIN INSTEAD OF THE AVENGERS THEEEEME!!!!!!

CHRIS EVANS

Thank God, it's a god! Did you go get Tessa and Korg and the other Asgardians who are all stronger and tougher than humans?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Um no.

ANTHONY MACKIE

Did you at least bring Peter Dinkhuge since he's also big and strong and hates Josh?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

No we left him alone in space with his dead friends. But I brought the main-cast heroes at least! We knew to teleport to Wakanda because

EXT. TITAN

JOSH SWOLLEN arrives on TITAN and our heroes launch their ATTACK ON TITAN!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Benedict, open a portal underneath Josh, use it to cut him in half as he falls through!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Won't work! That was one of the 14,000,604 futures where we fail! Any time I seem to be overlooking an instant-win strategy it's because of that, okay? Ha ha, I can use this excuse forever.

They manage to RESTRAIN JOSH enough for POM'S LAME SUPERPOWER to actually come in handy! She puts JOSH into a STUPOR!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

If we get the glove, we win! Everyone focus on getting his glove off!!

(pulls at glove)

SPIDEY-TOM

You got it!

(pulls at glove)

DAVE BLUETISTA

Roger that!

(daydreams)

MECHAREN GILLAN

Right there with you!

(doodles)

CHRIS PRATT

Sure thing!

(knits)

POM KLEMONTIEFF

You know, I probably shouldn't mention it at this critical moment, but I sense Josh is feeling tremendous grief! Grief, and loss! And regret! And I don't just mean "ooh I shouldn't have eaten that fifth taco" regret, this is like "I killed my daughter" regret.

CHRIS PRATT

GURK BLORK PENIS-BRAIN OVERRIDE! Fuck saving the universe, WHERE IS MY GIRLFRIEND YOU BASTAAAARRD

PRATT punches JOSH which disrupts POM which lets JOSH wake up and start WIPING THE FLOOR with everyone again! BENEDICT rewinds time 15 seconds and magically restrains Pratt and they win PICKS HIS NOSE while JOSH STABS ROBERT RIGHT SMACK DAB SQUARE IN THE vague part of his torso which contains nothing of importance.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

Wait, Josh! If you spare that one person I’ll cave on our whole mission and give you the thing that you can use to kill half of all people!

JOSH SWOLLEN

Deal! And the best part is that there’s nothing suspicious about this whatsoever.

(takes Time Stone, leaves)

EXT. WAKANDA

Meanwhile the arrival of HEMSWORTH has turned the tide! MARK RUFFALO kills CGI TERRY with a rocket arm! ELIZABETH OLSEN kills CGI CARRIE by levitating her into a giant death yoyo thing! PURPAUL BETTANY kills CGI MICHAEL with his own spear!

CHRIS EVANS

Nicely done Purpaul. Ah, remember when superheroes would never kill anyone?

PURPAUL BETTANY

We don't trade lives, Captain. We TAKE them, sure, but no trading.

JOSH SWOLLEN

(teleporting in)

I hope everyone's got their shittin' pants on, because y'all are about to shit your pants!!

JOSH starts PLOWING THROUGH ALL THE GOOD GUYS, though EVANS manages to last almost three seconds because he is as strong as THE HULK suddenly.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

You're too late! I tragic-heroically blew up Purpaul to stop you.

JOSH SWOLLEN

Look, just because you idiots refuse to use the Time Stone every chance you get doesn't mean I have to.

JOSH rewinds time to UN-EXPLODE PURPAUL so he can RIP PURPAUL'S HEAD OPEN after PURPAUL spent the whole movie with a GIANT STOMACH WOUND and generally have just a SUPER GREAT A-1 FUCKING DAY.

JOSH SWOLLEN

At last, I have all six Stones! And I can relax now, because if there was some kind of all-powerful lightning god on the battlefield ready to kill me, then surely he wouldn’t have waited in the wings for the entire couple of minutes it took me to reach Purpaul and-

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(axing Josh)

Shit! Sorry guys, I missed my cue. Better late than never, right?

JOSH SWOLLEN

Oh hey, a gaping chest wound. But joke’s on you, I still have enough life in me to use the completed gauntlet! Which means your entire sidequest really was just timewasting bullshit, ha!

JOSH GRINS EVILLY, SNAPS HIS FINGERS and TELEPORTS AWAY as an OMINOUS HUSH falls and the SOUNDTRACK ORCHESTRA tensely holds their breath.

THE SHIT

(launched from high orbital platform)

THE FAN

(braces itself, teeth clenched)

SEBASTIAN STAN

I feel... weird... like a contract... running out...

(disintegrates)

CHRIS EVANS

(horrified)

NNNOOOOOOO

VIN TRIESEL

I am soot!

(disintegrates)

BRADLEY RACCOOPER

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOOO

T'CHADWICK BOSEMAN

Alas, even I am not immune! Now you KNOW this is one-million-percent irreversible, for realz, if even box-office megadraw Black Panther is no more!

(disintegrates)

MARVEL STUDIOS MERCHANDISING DEPARTMENT

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOO

EXT. TITAN

TOM HOLLAND

Argh, it's happening! I don't want to go! I don't want to go!

(disintegrates)

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Are you quoting the Tenth Doctor dude?

DAVE BLUETISTA AND POM KLEMONTIEFF AND CHRIS PRATT

(disintegrate)

MECHAREN GILLAN

(horrified)

NOOOOOOOOOOO c'mon that leaves just me and Bradley from our team! That's only one-THIRD dammit!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

I think I'll make a cryptic comment that suggests this state of affairs might be, perhaps, just maybe, possibly, not permanent.

(disintegrates)

MARTIN FREEMAN

(back on Earth, horrified)

NNNOOOOOOOOOO

INT. AGENTS OF SHIELD

HENRY SIMMONS

(staring at flashing control panel)

Goddammit!! They bumped their release date up a week, now it synchs with our episode where we shrug off the "weird aliens in New York" by saying we don't watch the fucking news!! They're gonna make us look like a bunch of fucking assholes!!

CHLOE BENNETT

(horrified)

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

EXT. HELL'S KITCHEN, NEW YORK

BOTTLE OF WHISKEY

(disintegrates)

KRYSTEN RITTER

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOO

IRON FIST

(is fine)

CHARLIE COX, MIKE COLTER, AND JON BERNTHAL

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOOOO

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

COBIE SMULDERS and SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON are driving downtown when CARS and PLANES start to crash everywhere!

HUGH-HEFNER STAN LEE AND LARRY-KING STAN LEE AND WWII-GENERAL STAN LEE AND BEAUTY-PAGEANT STAN LEE AND SMITHSONIAN-GUARD STAN LEE AND OMAHA-BEACH STAN LEE AND FEDEX STAN LEE AND WATCHER-CHATTING STAN LEE AND CYBER-BARBER STAN LEE AND BUS-DRIVING STAN LEE

(disintegrate)

GREEN-SODA STAN LEE AND PICKUP-TRUCK STAN LEE AND PARK-CHESS STAN LEE AND MENTAL-WARD STAN LEE AND CLASS-A-PERVERT STAN LEE AND BARTENDER STAN LEE AND LONDON-BUS STAN LEE AND UPSTAIRS-NEIGHBOUR STAN LEE AND CASINO-GAMBLING STAN LEE

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOO

COBIE SMULDERS

Alas, even I am not immune! Now you KNOW this is one-million-percent irreversible, for realz, if even box-office megadraw Maria Hill is no more!

(disintegrates)

SAMUEL L. MOTHER-

(disintegrates)

But luckily we see that SAMUEL managed to activate his SPY PAGER to summon A NEW LOGO THAT MANY CASUAL FANS DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHO OR WHAT IT REPRESENTS... but is in fact the symbol of CAPTAIN MARVEL!! Yes, the NUCLEAR OPTION of superheroes, the person you call when the combined forces of Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, Black Panther, the Guardians of the Galaxy, Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, Vision, War Machine, Falcon, The Winter Soldier, and the entire Wakandan army fail! We promise you, THIS superhero is more awesome than ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE PUT TOGETHER!!!

BRIE LARSON

Gee thanks a bunch assholes, no pressure or anything right?

END

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