A famous lifeless caricature... standing next to a painting! ZING!


A famous lifeless caricature... standing next to a painting! ZING!

THE DA VINCI CODE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. THE LOUVRE

Extraneously Albino PAUL BETTANY chases museum curator JEAN PIERRE MARIELLE.

JEAN-PIERRE MARIELLE

Oh no, I am fatally wounded. Must... set up... ridiculous... clues.

He sets up clues throughout the museum, draws a circle in his own blood, writes out a few notes, strips, and draws a pentacle on his chest.

JEAN-PIERRE MARIELLE

Should've... bought computer... and sent... encrypted... e-mail.

(dies)

INT. BOOK SIGNING

TOM HANKS signs copies of his book: "101 Ways To Be Irritatingly Likeable". Suddenly, JEAN RENO barges in.

JEAN RENO

Tom, the curator of the Louvre left a humorously complex message before he died. I need you to help decode it.

TOM HANKS

Er, well breaking modern codes takes computers performing complex cryptanalysis algorithms.

JEAN RENO

Oh, no, not those kinds of codes. Like, letters rearranged and words written backwards. The kind of codes 10-year-olds solve on long car trips.

They go to the LOUVRE. AUDREY TAUTOU enters.

AUDREY TAUTOU

Tom, I am the curator's granddaughter. Jean Reno thinks you're the killer.

TOM HANKS

Really? Then why did he bring me to the crime scene and ask me a bunch of questions, rather than arrest me?

AUDREY TAUTOU

That's just how we do things in France. Let's escape and share an awkward lack of chemistry as we try to solve my grandfather's puzzles.

TOM HANKS

Alright. I'll just stare at these words and letters will light up, showing me anagrams instantly.

AUDREY TAUTOU

You mean just like in A Beautiful Mind, a movie by the same director and writer?

TOM HANKS

Yes, except I have too little depth to be crazy.

They solve the PUZZLE.

TOM and AUDREY go to a well-known HISTORICAL LANDMARK and unravel the meaning of one clue moments before JEAN RENO pulls up to the HISTORICAL LANDMARK, allowing TOM and SOPHIE only moments to escape and travel to the next HISTORICAL LANDMARK.

This scene repeats itself over and over.

AUDREY TAUTOU

Wow, you're able to decode these messages at superhuman speeds.

TOM HANKS

Yeah, the movie doesn't have time to spend on how codes are actually solved or the history of cryptography.

AUDREY TAUTOU

But that's the only interesting part of the book.

TOM HANKS

Hey, at least we kept the incessant droning on and on about art.

AUDREY TAUTOU

True. So, where to next?

TOM HANKS

Well, I'm starting to see that these clues have a lot to do with the Holy Grail. I don't know much about it, so we should visit my friend Ian McKellen, who happens to be nearby.

INT. IAN MCKELLEN'S HOUSE

TOM and AUDREY greet IAN.

IAN MCKELLEN

Welcome to my house. I assume you've met my obvious-bad-guy manservant. Let's go chat about art and the history of Christianity.

TOM HANKS

So I think that these puzzles are leading me toward the Holy Grail.

IAN MCKELLEN

The Holy Grail you know is an attempt by Christianity to cover up the nature of Jesus.

TOM HANKS

That's not accurate.

AUDREY TAUTOU

I thought you didn't know anything about this stuff.

TOM HANKS

I didn't until Ron Howard decided he needed a character to question everything Ian says to avoid controversy.

AUDREY TAUTOU

Oh. So what is the real Holy Grail? What's all this stuff about?

IAN MCKELLEN

I'm not sure I should say. The allegation from the book was so earth shattering that it sparked worldwide protest from angry Christians, furious at the sacrilegious nature of it.

AUDREY TAUTOU

You have to tell me, people are getting bored.

IAN MCKELLEN

(sighs)

Alright. You'd better sit down. This is likely to make you shit your pants.

AUDREY TAUTOU

(sitting)

Okay, I'm ready.

IAN MCKELLEN

(taking a deep breath)

Jesus had a kid.

AUDREY TAUTOU

(pause)

...and?

IAN MCKELLEN

That's it.

AUDREY TAUTOU

That's what has Christians foaming at the mouth?

IAN MCKELLEN

Yeah.

AUDREY TAUTOU

(pause)

Seriously, are they fucking retarded?

IAN MCKELLEN

It's a big deal. This movie has the potential to truly shake someone's faith.

AUDREY TAUTOU

Letting this movie make you lose faith is like letting National Treasure make you a communist. Can we get on with the rest of the fucking movie?

They solve some more clues and escape capture using the clever tactic of getting out of a plane a few seconds early and hiding.

They eventually find a basement where MARY MAGDELENE'S CASKET used to be.

TOM HANKS

It's been moved. Perhaps now would be a good time to think back to when you were a little girl. Was your grandfather involved in anything strange?

AUDREY TAUTOU

Well, when I was younger I once looked through a window and saw a bunch of guys in creepy masks and hoods gathered around a couple having sex.

TOM HANKS

Of course! He must have been one of the Knights Templar!

AUDREY TAUTOU

Huh? No, I think he was watching Eyes Wide Shut.

They uncover a few more clues and eventually discover THE SHOCKING AND EXTREMELY PREDICTABLE TWIST.

TOM HANKS

You know, I've really learned something from this movie.

AUDREY TAUTOU

About Da Vinci's art and the history of Christianity?

TOM HANKS

No, I've learned that the story in the book actually sucks a lot more than I originally thought.

END

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