The Da Vinci Code: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jun 12th, 2006 |
15 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. THE LOUVRE
Extraneously Albino PAUL BETTANY chases museum curator JEAN PIERRE MARIELLE.
JEAN-PIERRE MARIELLE
Oh no, I am fatally wounded. Must… set up… ridiculous… clues.
He sets up clues throughout the museum, draws a circle in his own blood, writes out a few notes, strips, and draws a pentacle on his chest.
JEAN-PIERRE MARIELLE
Should’ve… bought computer… and sent… encrypted… e-mail.
(dies)
INT. BOOK SIGNING
TOM HANKS signs copies of his book: “101 Ways To Be Irritatingly Likeable”. Suddenly, JEAN RENO barges in.
JEAN RENO
Tom, the curator of the Louvre left a humorously complex message before he died. I need you to help decode it.
TOM HANKS
Er, well breaking modern codes takes computers performing complex cryptanalysis algorithms.
JEAN RENO
Oh, no, not those kinds of codes. Like, letters rearranged and words written backwards. The kind of codes 10-year-olds solve on long car trips.
They go to the LOUVRE. AUDREY TAUTOU enters.
AUDREY TAUTOU
Tom, I am the curator’s granddaughter. Jean Reno thinks you’re the killer.
TOM HANKS
Really? Then why did he bring me to the crime scene and ask me a bunch of questions, rather than arrest me?
AUDREY TAUTOU
That’s just how we do things in France. Let’s escape and share an awkward lack of chemistry as we try to solve my grandfather’s puzzles.
TOM HANKS
Alright. I’ll just stare at these words and letters will light up, showing me anagrams instantly.
AUDREY TAUTOU
You mean just like in A Beautiful Mind, a movie by the same director and writer?
TOM HANKS
Yes, except I have too little depth to be crazy.
They solve the PUZZLE.
TOM and AUDREY go to a well-known HISTORICAL LANDMARK and unravel the meaning of one clue moments before JEAN RENO pulls up to the HISTORICAL LANDMARK, allowing TOM and SOPHIE only moments to escape and travel to the next HISTORICAL LANDMARK.
This scene repeats itself over and over.
AUDREY TAUTOU
Wow, you’re able to decode these messages at superhuman speeds.
TOM HANKS
Yeah, the movie doesn’t have time to spend on how codes are actually solved or the history of cryptography.
AUDREY TAUTOU
But that’s the only interesting part of the book.
TOM HANKS
Hey, at least we kept the incessant droning on and on about art.
AUDREY TAUTOU
True. So, where to next?
TOM HANKS
Well, I’m starting to see that these clues have a lot to do with the Holy Grail. I don’t know much about it, so we should visit my friend Ian McKellen, who happens to be nearby.
INT. IAN MCKELLEN’S HOUSE
TOM and AUDREY greet IAN.
IAN MCKELLEN
Welcome to my house. I assume you’ve met my obvious-bad-guy manservant. Let’s go chat about art and the history of Christianity.
TOM HANKS
So I think that these puzzles are leading me toward the Holy Grail.
IAN MCKELLEN
The Holy Grail you know is an attempt by Christianity to cover up the nature of Jesus.
TOM HANKS
That’s not accurate.
AUDREY TAUTOU
I thought you didn’t know anything about this stuff.
TOM HANKS
I didn’t until Ron Howard decided he needed a character to question everything Ian says to avoid controversy.
AUDREY TAUTOU
Oh. So what is the real Holy Grail? What’s all this stuff about?
IAN MCKELLEN
I’m not sure I should say. The allegation from the book was so earth shattering that it sparked worldwide protest from angry Christians, furious at the sacrilegious nature of it.
AUDREY TAUTOU
You have to tell me, people are getting bored.
IAN MCKELLEN
(sighs)
Alright. You’d better sit down. This is likely to make you shit your pants.
AUDREY TAUTOU
(sitting)
Okay, I’m ready.
IAN MCKELLEN
(taking a deep breath)
Jesus had a kid.
AUDREY TAUTOU
(pause)
…and?
IAN MCKELLEN
That’s it.
AUDREY TAUTOU
That’s what has Christians foaming at the mouth?
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.
AUDREY TAUTOU
(pause)
Seriously, are they fucking retarded?
IAN MCKELLEN
It’s a big deal. This movie has the potential to truly shake someone’s faith.
AUDREY TAUTOU
Letting this movie make you lose faith is like letting National Treasure make you a communist. Can we get on with the rest of the fucking movie?
They solve some more clues and escape capture using the clever tactic of getting out of a plane a few seconds early and hiding.
They eventually find a basement where MARY MAGDELENE’S CASKET used to be.
TOM HANKS
It’s been moved. Perhaps now would be a good time to think back to when you were a little girl. Was your grandfather involved in anything strange?
AUDREY TAUTOU
Well, when I was younger I once looked through a window and saw a bunch of guys in creepy masks and hoods gathered around a couple having sex.
TOM HANKS
Of course! He must have been one of the Knights Templar!
AUDREY TAUTOU
Huh? No, I think he was watching Eyes Wide Shut.
They uncover a few more clues and eventually discover THE SHOCKING AND EXTREMELY PREDICTABLE TWIST.
TOM HANKS
You know, I’ve really learned something from this movie.
AUDREY TAUTOU
About Da Vinci’s art and the history of Christianity?
TOM HANKS
No, I’ve learned that the story in the book actually sucks a lot more than I originally thought.
END
Fantastic! Yep the fact the movie sucked was pretty much the book’s fault. They didn’t actually change alot.
July 12th, 2007 at 6:24 pmThat was pretty funny, although I also thought http://www.intuitor.com/moviephysics/Davici.html did a good job of debunking a lot of the movie’s illogic too, including the tracker-in-a-bar-of-soap and the extraneous albino straight out of the Hollywood Villain Vault.
August 26th, 2007 at 8:07 pmIt’s funny, I read the book and liked it, thought it was interesting. Then I saw the movie. The way they summed up everything in the book made the book look completely stupid. It’s like the movie was TRYING to take away Dan Brown’s credibility, not that he had much to begin with.
Plus, I did NOT enjoy seeing Tom Hanks with his shirt off. NO THANK YOU. I almost puked. Who hired him for this movie, anyway?
September 3rd, 2007 at 11:23 amOH I GET IT, THAT’S THE GUY FROM “BIG”! GREAT MOVIE!
April 8th, 2008 at 7:36 pm[/Peter Griffin]
April 8th, 2008 at 7:37 pmI also learned that the book sucked more than I thought upon seeing the movie. Perhaps that was the intended message? Isn’t that ironic.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:28 pmIf you thought the book was awful try reading the other 3 he wrote. He was creative enough to make them each so unique I actually told my mum the plot and the clever “twist” of the last without having read it.
The film was over the top. Quick, I need to find a library.
Seriously it wasn’t action and it wasn’t anything else.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:59 pm[...] Room and features such rewrites as “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull“, “The Da Vinci Code“, “Iron Man” and other fabulous holywood turds that escaped being shelved against [...]
June 18th, 2008 at 5:25 pmThat’s what has Christians foaming at the mouth?
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.
AUDREY TAUTOU
(pause)
Seriously, are they fucking retarded?
Seriously, people should be foaming at the mouth at some of Anne Rice’s books if they worry about blasphemy. Because Jesus had sex in one book…well, he mentioned he had sex. And goodness knows, their’s a prequel (sequel? eh). I do love there was no sex in this movie. Because they could have been going at it in front of Eifle tower like most Parisains do.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:09 pmIAN MCKELLEN
(taking a deep breath)
Jesus had a kid.
AUDREY TAUTOU
(pause)
…and?
i remember thinking the exact same thing when watching this scene. this movie was just so boring.
October 31st, 2008 at 5:19 pmI read Angels and Demons first, and liked it.
Upon reading Da Vinci Code, I found myself continually thinking, “Wait a minute…this is the same basic story arc, just with different names and places…?”
Then I tried reading Deception Point.
Dan Brown is a mad-lib fiend, apparently.
Any chance there’s going to be an A&D abridged script? I dunno, Rod’s got a lot on his plate already. Not pushing for it.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:09 pmProbably been said, but there were a few points I never got:
So if they did find Mary Magdelene’s bones the best they could do is prove that the bones they found were the bones of one of Audrey Tautou’s ancestors via testing the DNA. They’re still on the hook for proving the bones belonged to Mary Magdelene, which they could never do. If they were somehow able to do that then they’d still be on the hook to prove that she was the descendant of Mary and Jesus, not Mary and someone else; which again, they could never do.
So basically the whole movie is about a long search for something that will prove absolutely nothing.
June 9th, 2009 at 9:24 amlol eyes wide shut.
June 21st, 2009 at 5:19 pmNATIONAL TREASURE MADE ME A COMMUNIST! lmao
September 6th, 2009 at 4:19 am“TOM HANKS
No, I’ve learned that the story in the book actually sucks a lot more than I originally thought.”
That was the shiz!!
I don’t believe Jesus had a kid, but I have no problems believeing he had sex (even possibly with Mary Magdeline). I mean, he WAS human after all.
October 12th, 2009 at 3:59 am