Belle doesn't buy that Gaston reads "Playgarçon" for the articles.


Belle doesn't buy that Gaston reads "Playgarçon" for the articles.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (1991)

The Abridged Script

INT. STAINED GLASS WINDOW INTRODUCTION.

We OPEN in a castle in France.

NARRATOR

Once upon a time, in the most lavish of palaces, an enchantress came along and gave some little, Joffrey Bieber shithead prince exactly what was coming to him. However, the spell he was placed under also transformed his servants that lived in the castle. Because you see, the enchantress was kind of a bitch herself. This also raises the question of... where the hell are this kid's parents?

(pause)

Ahem, anyway, the prince concealed himself inside his gloomy castle with a magic mirror as his window to the outside world. Everybody got that? A MIRROR, and THAT'S IT. She also left him an enchanted rose who's contract specifically states that he must fall in love by his 21st birthday or he will stay a beast forever.

(pause)

Err, but that would mean that he was about 11 when he first got transformed... And that would produce subsequent plot holes... You know what? Just forget that part. The guy's a BEAST now, okay?

EXT. FRANCE - A PROVINCIAL TOWN - MID 19TH CENTURY - I THINK

CARTOON PAIGE O'HARA emerges from her house and she and the townspeople burst into song.

PAIGE O'HARA

(to the tune of "Belle")

There go the people with their judgement, always

I read and somehow they're outraged

They make my life so bleak

And my only friend's a sheep

What I wouldn't give to punch them-

BOOKSHOP OWNER

Morning, Paige!

PAIGE 0'HARA

Morning monsieur! I've come to return the book I borrowed! And because I borrow so many books, today's the day you allow me to keep one!

BOOKSHOP OWNER

What kind of business am I running here? It's very clear that the townspeople don't like to read. I mean they're literally singing about it outside as we speak. And I just give away books for free? How do I make any money?

PAIGE O'HARA

Thanks for the book 'kay bye!

(singing)

I find this podunk town so fucking boring

And here dad’s gadgets do not sell

We’re pariahs in this place

People mock us to our face

Why we even live here, who the fuck can tell?

Elsewhere, CARTOON RICHARD WHITE peacocks around town, while three nameless girls wearing Northface jackets and Ugg Boots sit at Ché Starbucks and SWOON over him. He talks to his sidekick, CARTOON JESSIE CORTI.

RICHARD WHITE

It's official, Jessie. My shallow worldview tells me that because Paige is the most beautiful girl in town, that makes her the best. And I will not rest until I make her my wife. Gosh, aren't I interesting even though I'm a meathead asshole?

JESSIE CORTI

Yup! And hey, the next time you see Paige, you should totally make fun of her crazy father. Chicks dig that stuff.

PAIGE O'HARA

Hey! My father is not crazy! You'll see! One day one of his inventions will make him tens, no, hundreds of francs and you will eat your words!

EXT. FOREST

Her father, CARTOON REX EVERHART, who has less common sense than his own HORSE, takes the most OBVIOUSLY DANGEROUS LOOKING path in the woods and almost gets himself killed. Then he finds a dark and terrifying looking castle and just walks right in.

REX EVERHART

Sheesh, maybe the townspeople are right. I am crazy.

PAIGE searches for her father and finds him imprisoned at the castle. She meets BEAST ROBBY BENSON.

ROBBY BENSON

Grrr! That's right, he trespassed on my property. So his punishment is to stay here on said property!

PAIGE O'HARA

Then I will volunteer to take his place. That's right, the love I have for my father is so much that I'm willing to give up my future and have my dreams completely crushed!

ROBBY BENSON

Pfft, I can beat that. Watch as I continue to scream at you because my years of solitude and self loathing have turned me into such a recluse that I've forgotten how to socialize!

REX EVERHART

Man, do I miss the days when screenwriters knew how to write compelling characters. To think that this much thought was put into a cartoon made for kids...

ROBBY BENSON

Oh, you're still here. Come Rex, I'm going to throw you in a tarantula buggy to take you back to town, because I'm letting Paige keep her horse for some reason. The same horse that would come in handy if she were to ever try to escape.

EXT. BACK IN TOWN

RICHARD sulks about being rejected by PAIGE.

RICHARD WHITE

Can you believe it? She actually friend-zoned ME? Hrmph! You know, I bet she uses a TON of filters to make her pictures look prettier. What a bitch. I still want to marry her though.

JESSIE CORTI

Aw, cheer up buddy ol' pal! You're the bestest, handsomest, most specialist, sexiest guy in the whole town! It's amazing that people are outraged that my character could be gay when I'm so obviously in love with you here.

RICHARD WHITE

Thanks Jessie. Say, could you sing me an awesome song to cheer me up? Because nothing makes burly, close minded men more comfortable than having their gay friend sing to them.

JESSIE CORTI

(to the tune of "Gaston")

Nothing rocks like this song

Blows your socks like this song

Makes you fond of obnoxious jerk jocks like this song!

RICHARD WHITE

Yes I’m coming off fun and endearing

Rarely are pricks so adored!

But these good vibes will be disappearing

When the story demands I go out of my gourd!

JESSIE CORTI

Nothing cheers like this song

Soothes the ear like this song

Or gets stuck in your head for a year like this song!

RICHARD WHITE

It’s so catchy that it’s almost irritating

But still we love... this song!

INT. CASTLE

ROBBY shows PAIGE to her room, where she HALLUCINATES.

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

No no, she's not hallucinating. It's us, the talking inanimate objects!

CANDLESTICK JERRY ORBACH

Oui oui! It iz true! But isn't it funny how we've been transformed and cooped up here the same as Robby and we managed to stay happy and upbeat?

CLOCK DAVID OGDEN STIERS

Actually, what I've always wanted to know is what did we do as humans to make us turn us into these specific things? Am I a clock solely because I carried around a pocket watch?

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

Well, I served tea. And Lumiere was hot and horny all the time...

CANDLESTICK JERRY ORBACH

As long as we're on the subject, what about Angela's teacup son? Never mind the fact that she sounds like his grandmother and not his mother, but he sounds like he's about five. And according to the intro, we've been under this spell for ten years. So did Angela actually give birth to a tea cup in this castle?

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

Err, everyone shut up. Let's go talk to Robby.

ROBBY waits downstairs for PAIGE to come to dinner.

CANDLESTICK JERRY ORBACH

Master, do you think this girl could be the one to break the spell?

ROBBY BENSON

Of course I have! In fact, one could argue that this was the reason for me forcing Paige to stay here forever. Maybe we should remind some people in a certain remake, that just because I'm a miserable dick does not mean I am an idiot.

Back upstairs...

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

Well dear, you've pissed Robby off, but that shouldn't stop us from making you dinner! Plus, we get to put on a grand musical number to express how happy we are that our lives get to have a purpose again!

PAIGE O'HARA

But Robby said I wasn't allowed to eat anything. Won't he get mad?

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

Yeah, but who gives a shit? We seem to do whatever we want around here and he never actually punishes us. So come, take part in this magnificent feast that we inexplicably have here!

CANDLESTICK JERRY ORBACH

(to the tune of "Be Our Guest")

What a waste! What a waste!

Biggest meal you’ve ever faced!

We’ve fried and stewed ten tons of food

Most of which you don’t even taste.

So much soup! So much meat!

Why’d we have so much to eat?

In a house that seems to feature

Only one organic creature?

Once we’re done with this bash

It’ll all go in the trash.

Must admit right now we’re feeling quite disgraced!

This stuff could feed all Paris

Yeah, we’re quite embarrassed

What a waste, what a waste, what a waste!

After dinner, PAIGE wanders off and somehow NO ONE NOTICES. She goes up to the forbidden West Wing and finds the enchanted rose.

PAIGE O'HARA

Must. Touch. Things that aren't mine.

ROBBY BENSON

(exploding with rage)

ARE YOU BALLSY OR JUST DUMB? GET OUUUUUUUTTTT!

His unbridled rage sends her fleeing into the night. She gets attacked by wolves, but ROBBY comes to save her. She gets him back to the castle and she tends to his wounds.

PAIGE O'HARA

Thanks for saving me. Sorry I ran off, but dude, you were pretty fucking scary. Maybe you should learn to control your temper.

ROBBY BENSON

You're welcome. And yes, perhaps I should.

(pause)

Wow, human compassion sure does feel great! I feel like a new person!

(to the tune of "Something There")

She said “Hey thanks”, so suddenly

I just completely changed my personality

Was that my arc that just went past?

Cause I’ve known supersonic jets that weren’t that fast!

CANDLESTICK JERRY ORBACH

Excellent! Now it's time for the big ballroom scene! This is sure to solidify their love for each other. Because that's what love is, right? Exquisite gowns and ballroom dancing!

PAIGE and ROBBY dance together.

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

(To the tune of "Beauty and the Beast")

Where does Paige expect

This is gonna go?

That he is a prince

Doesn’t factor, since

She just doesn’t know,

This is all he is

Far as she’s aware

Far as we can tell

Seems this sweet young Belle

Wants to fuck a bear.

ROBBY BENSON

Hey, I'm cool with that. So Paige, are you happy here? If not, here's a mirror for you to see the outside world. Mind you, I haven't thought about setting you free yet, so really, I'm kind of just dangling the real world in front of you without giving it to you.

PAIGE O'HARA

Oh no, my father's in trouble! Gee, I was having so much fun here that I almost forgot him completely! I also almost forgot that you're STILL MY CAPTOR.

ROBBY BENSON

Shit, I now realize this, and I am torn. In fact, I will clearly express about six different emotions in this scene alone. And I, as a reminder, am a FUCKING CARTOON.

(sighs)

Fuck you, remake.

ROBBY releases her. She finds her father and takes him back home.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

RICHARD gathers a mob to humiliate REX and blackmail PAIGE into marrying him.

RICHARD WHITE

I truly know my way into a girl's heart! Actually, it's not that far off. She fell in love with what was essentially her warden, why not this?

PAIGE O'HARA

I can prove my father is not crazy by showing you the beast in this mirror! See, he's not dangerous- oh shit he is roaring angrily and looks quite scary doesn't he...

JESSIE CORTI

Alright, enough with this sentimental crap! Come everyone, let's change the movie's tone completely!

RICHARD WHITE

(to the tune of "The Mob Song")

So we’re done having fun

With a bunch of singing furniture

And I’m no longer likeable at all

On a whim we’ve turned grim

And I’m crying out for murder

And I bet a lot of parents are appalled

It turns out that this town’s full of assholes

Who will slay on my say-so alone

So come on, follow me

And we’ll scream bigotry

And behave psychotically

KILL THE TONE!

JESSIE CORTIE

You know, at this point, I'd like to point out that the actual lyrics of this song are:

"We don't like what we don't understand,

In fact it scares us.

And this monster is mysterious at least"

(pause)

Yeah, we're pretty woke for 1850's France.

INT. CASTLE

The mob ATTACKS the castle.

TEAPOT ANGELA LANSBURY

Yeah, but Robby's too depressed to do anything about it! This motherfucker would like to see us all dead, wouldn't he? Oh well, guess it's up to us now.

The furniture counter attacks the MOB and scares them away! Meanwhile, RICHARD finds ROBBY.

RICHARD WHITE

I've come to kill you, buffalo-type person! It's inconceivable that Paige would fall in love with you! I mean seriously, even for a magical spell, a woman falling in love with another species is kind of a tall order, isn't it?

ROBBY BENSON

Yeah, that enchantress was a real piece of work. Whatever, kill me I guess.

RICHARD attacks ROBBY. He then sees that PAIGE has come back, and ROBBY starts giving a shit again! He manages to push RICHARD off the roof of the castle, but unfortunately, RICHARD stabs him first.

PAIGE O'HARA

No! Beast! You can't die! I love you! I ...wait a minute. Do I really call you "Beast?" You mean to tell me I fell in love with someone and I didn't even bother to learn his name?

ROBBY BENSON

My name is Adam. Did you all know that? Seriously, I'm Prince Adam. It's amazing how many people don't know this. Anyway, my mortal wounds are calling. See ya!

He DIES, and the last rose petal falls. But it's okay because the spell is lifted! He turns into a Prince again!

HUMAN ROBBY BENSON

Woah, I'm hot!

Also, the talking objects turn into their human forms again! And the weather is no longer perpetual rain and darkness! And the teacup kid doesn't have a huge crack in his skull!

PAIGE O'HARA

You know, for all its silly flaws, this movie still holds up. It seems like if an obvious cash grab remake were to happen, all they'd really need to do is copy and paste everything this movie did, and it would be fine.

ROBBY BENSON

Yeah, but they won't. They'll still manage to fuck it up. And hardcore Disney fans will still fork over all of their money and love it unquestionably because it's Disney.

PAIGE O'HARA

Sheesh, and everyone thought I had Stockholm syndrome.

END

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