Angels & Demons: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jul 16th, 2009 |
28 Comments
| Movie: 
Professor Langdon curses himself for forgetting his black tie.
FADE IN:
INT. HARVARD
TOM HANKS, mullet-less, swims laps. He is approached by DAVID PASQUESI, some IMPORTANT CATHOLIC GUY.
DAVID PASQUESI
Professor Hanks, I presume. The pope is dead and the four cardinals that are being considered to replace him have been kidnapped. We need your help finding them.
TOM HANKS
Why would the Catholic Church want my help after they shat blood over The Da Vinci code?
DAVID PASQUESI
Well, you’re so good with puzzles that– wait, what do you mean Da Vinci Code? Doesn’t Angels & Demons take place before The Da Vinci Code?
TOM HANKS
Yes, but we’ve swapped the order on the assumption that the audience, while capable of tolerating endless amounts of historical mumbo jumbo, is easily confused by the notion of a prequel.
DAVID PASQUESI
Doesn’t the fact that these stories can be told in any order illustrate how brainlessly plot-driven they are and how unimportant the actual characters are?
TOM HANKS
Sure does. Speaking of which, the plot now requires that we travel to Vatican City, so let’s get a move on.
EXT. VATICAN CITY
They go to VATICAN CITY and meet AYELET ZURER.
AYELET ZURER
Professor Hanks, some anti-matter was stolen from my research center. I believe the thief plans on using it at an explosive, and since I’m in the movie at all it must somehow be related to the cardinal kidnapping.
TOM HANKS
Destroying the city with antimatter? What is this shit, Star Trek?
AYELET ZURER
No, that’s in the theater next door. The one that everyone is in instead of the one showing this movie.
TOM HANKS looks up ILLUMINATI in the encyclopedia in the VATICAN’S SUPER SECRET LIBRARY.
TOM HANKS
Hmm, the word Illuminati first appears on page three of this book. Three… the third ninja turtle mentioned in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song is Raphael… the first cardinal must be in Raphael’s tomb!
They hurry to RAPHAEL’S TOMB, but they are too late. One of the CARDINALS has been killed with EARTH.
AYELET ZURER
We’ve arrived way too late. Now what?
TOM HANKS
We’ll find clues that allow us to find the remaining cardinals in increasing proximity to the time of their deaths until we just barely save the last one. Assuming this movie is an unoriginal piece of shit, of course.
AYELET ZURER
Well this movie is written by the same guy that wrote “I, Robot” so I think we’re good.
TOM HANKS
Let’s see here… we’re in a tomb. Tomb… like Tombstone pizza, which is circular. Circular is the opposite of square.. of course! To Saint Peter’s Square!
They arrive just slightly too late as another CARDINAL is killed using AIR. Or rather, the lack of AIR.
AYELET ZURER
So this movie is pretty much The Da Vinci code without all of that dumb old interesting puzzle solving and code cracking.
TOM HANKS
Don’t worry, we may not have the intrigue of the last movie but at least we’re still sticking it to the Catholic Church!
CATHOLIC LEAGUE PRESIDENT BILL DONOHUE
Actually we were orginally planning to protest it but after it was released we decided it was so forgettable that we just didn’t bother.
(pause)
I mean, you guys released it against Star Trek, and that movie was the tits.
AYELET ZURER
Jesus, we can’t even offend the Catholic Church? Those guys protest condoms!
TOM HANKS
Condoms… condoms are sometimes called johnnies… John James was the architect that rebuilt St. Mary’s Church… of course, the third cardinal is in a church!
AYELET ZURER
WHY THE HELL IS THIS WORKING!?
TOM finds the THIRD CARDINAL as he is being murdered with FIRE. TOM tries to free the CARDINAL but fails because he’s just some prissy book-reading NERD. The THIRD CARDINAL goes ahead and DIES.
TOM HANKS
Damn! We must get to the fourth cardinal, it’s the only chance we have of finding the antimatter!
AYELET ZURER
Wait let me try one. Okay, so this guy was chained up… chains are often used for construction work… the fourth cardinal is at a construction site!
TOM HANKS
What? Don’t be stupid. The fourth element is water, so he’s in a fountain.
AYELET ZURER
God dammit.
They go to a FOUNTAIN and find the FOURTH CARDINAL, still ALIVE! They rescue him.
TOM HANKS
Where were they holding you?
FOURTH CARDINAL
Back where you started, at the Vatican. We were there the whole time.
TOM HANKS
…
AYELET ZURER
What in the holy living FUCK?!
They go back to the VATICAN and look for the ANTIMATTER.
AYELET ZURER
Alright, I give up. What dumbass clue are you going to use to figure out where the antimatter is?
TOM HANKS
I’m just going to follow this arrow. Literally, there’s an arrow pointing at it.
AYELET ZURER
Did someone misplace a few pages of the script or something? Anyway, we’ve located the antimatter. But because of some bunch of nonsense, it’s going to explode anyway.
VATICAN PRIEST EWAN MACGREGOR steals the antimatter and jumps into a helicopter so that he can lift the explosive to the ideal height for maximum casualties.
TOM HANKS
Wow, what a brave sacrifice he has made.
EWAN jumps out the helicopter and parachutes back down.
TOM HANKS
Oh, nevermind. What a douche.
EWAN MACGREGOR
Look at what a hero I am! Maybe I should be the new pope, eh? Nah, I’m just joking! But seriously, I should be, amirite?
TOM HANKS
Wait a minute… an actor that’s way too good for this throwaway movie… you’re this movie’s Ian McKellen! You must be the surprise villian!
EWAN MACGREGOR
Curse you, Tom Hanks! Yes, I orchestrated this entire thing! Antimatter is blasphemous because a few people call it the ‘god particle!”
TOM HANKS
That’s your justification? Do you go around killing psychologists that diagnose people with a “god complex” or burning cemeteries that are sometimes called ‘god acres’?
EWAN MACGREGOR
Really I should kill us both for being in this movie since it’s godawful.
Some OTHER GUY is elected POPE, which is somehow supposed to matter enough to be the happy ending to the movie.
END
All I kept thinking throughout the movie was Why do the Illuminati keep leaving clues? Do they work for the Riddler?
July 16th, 2009 at 7:38 pmGoldsman needs death soon.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:16 pm"But because of some bunch of nonsense, it’s going to explode anyway."
amazing. I was sitting there like… wtf, cold means the battery drains faster??
Also amazing: "VATICAN PRIEST EWAN MACGREGOR steals the antimatter and jumps into a helicopter so that he can lift the explosive to the ideal height for maximum casualties."
I was thinking the same thing here as well… don't they detonate nukes before it hits the ground to maximize its impact?
July 17th, 2009 at 5:32 amReminds me of the south park episode "canceled" where the scientist makes absurd connections:
Jeff: Wait a minute! Butt sex!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:36 amChef: Butt sex?
Jeff: Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right? Lubrication. Lubruh… Chupuh… Chupacabra's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized. Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama students! Students at colleges usually have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's binary code!
Yeah, this script reminded me of the old Batman episodes where he'd solve the Riddler's riddles in some leapfrog way that no one could have been expected to guess.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:39 amI forgot I even saw this movie.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:29 pmSomehow even the book was better.
Raphael is Cool but Crude, therefore the first bishop will be killed at a gas station.
EWAN jumps out the helicopter and parachutes back down.
TOM HANKS
Oh, nevermind. What a douche.
ahaha, i thought the exact same thing when he did that.
also, you can't kill anybody with the power of heart. heart sucks. that indian kid got the short end of the stick when they were giving out powers.
July 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm"WHY THE HELL IS THIS WORKING!?"
July 17th, 2009 at 2:55 pmI lost it at that. Great script, Rod.
I didn’t think this movie was coming out yet because I didn’t hear any complaints about it. Of course, I should have known it just plain sucked. Also, when I saw the preview for this movie in the theater, Tom Hanks in a speedo made me gag on my popcorn. Which is why I will never, ever see this movie. Seeing him with his shirt off in the first movie was almost enough to make me go lesbian. Grooooss.
July 17th, 2009 at 12:12 pmI enjoyed the Da Vinci Code book, so I read Angels & Demons as well, and I enjoyed it even more. So I went to go see the Da Vinci Code movie and thought it was so awful that I wondered why I ever liked the book in the first place. So I hesitated to go see this one even though the story seemed like it would make a much better movie. So…
I just saw Star Trek instead. Hilarious script though. Best one in a while.
July 18th, 2009 at 12:35 amMy ex and I bought The Da Vinci code during all the hype thinking we would take turns reading it, but we just… didn't… care. I cared even less about this movie. The poster at the theatre looked like a fucking Goosebumps Book cover.
July 18th, 2009 at 3:23 amOf course heart is lame. That's why he got the monkey to slightly make up for it. No one else had a pet, because they had actual abilities.
July 19th, 2009 at 3:30 amIt seems like just yesterday I was wishing for an A&D script on the Da Vinci Code page.
July 19th, 2009 at 10:33 pmClearly, wishes do come true.
Excellent script!
So what's with the three stars then? Now I'm in doubt if I should invest the time(*) to go download it.
(*) and money, alright.
July 20th, 2009 at 6:23 amI actually enjoyed this movie as much as I can possibly enjoy a popcorner. Way better than Da vinci code. Or Transformers for that matter. The ambigrams were cool, if only they'd shown them in detail for the two hour duration, I would've loved that shit :D
July 20th, 2009 at 11:16 pmplease, please, please do the Hary potter scripts after Tranformers. please Mr Hilton.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:08 amThe made-from-book movies almost always fall short
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:28 pmDid anyone else think this was a Scooby Doo episode?
In Scooby Doo it was always some guy exploiting a local legend of a monster, disguising himself and terrifiying everybody, till the gang came along and uncovered clues to discover the fraud.
Same here, the Illuminati were never around, Ewan Mcgregor used the legend to hide his schemes, till Tom Hanks uncovered clue after clue and finally unmasked him.
And he would have succeeded, if it wasn't for that meddling Tom Hanks and his girlfriend.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 amI totally was expecting a Captain Planet reference as well. I'm looking forward to your Transformers 2 script. The script for the first one was what got me hooked to your site to begin with. So don't fuck this up.
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:32 amI like to imagine that Heart was actually the best power, but Mati wasn't using it right.
July 27th, 2009 at 4:17 amNo mention about the medium baddie being a rapist muslim in the original script, but now looking like Marky Mark Wahlberg? Disappointed.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:08 pmPsst…
I've changed the way the 'Coming Soon' widget on the left sidebar works. It's no longer text that I update manually, but it pulls from my drafts and scheduled items.
If you hover over the entry, it will show you the date the script is posting if it's known.
Don't tell anyone
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 pmNo, but Mila Jovovich appeared briefly.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm[...] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Twilight, Star Trek, Angels and Demons [...]
August 6th, 2009 at 11:57 pmThere's falling short and then there's this. The book is excellent but the film was the worst book-to-film since Bourne and don't get me started on Bourne!!!
September 25th, 2009 at 6:06 pmRetard.
November 15th, 2009 at 2:48 pm…
November 18th, 2009 at 1:19 amWas going to place my favorite quote here. Unfortunately, it was the whole thing.
Thanks you so much for making it worth reading the book. I did enjoy it, but this is waaaayyyyy better!
Alright book, crap movie.
January 27th, 2010 at 8:13 am