Clash of the Titans: The Abridged Script
By Rod | May 4th, 2010 |
42 Comments
| Movie: 
Perseus shows off his new "Flashlight for iPhone" app, rejected by Apple.
If you are having trouble viewing this script in 3D, click here:
FADE IN:
EXT. FISHING BOAT
SAM WORTHINGTON, hilariously trying to pass for 23 years old, accompanies his adoptive father PETE POSTLETHWAITE and his family on a fishing trip.
PETE POSTLETHWAITE
I’m not sure why I brought my entire family on this fishing trip, but I’m glad I did! This is great!
SAM WORTHINGTON
I sure hope Voldemort doesn’t show up and ruin my life to start me on a 90-minute quest for revenge!
On a cliff above, people knock over a GIANT STATUE, leaving only its FEET, so a monster made of BLACK SMOKE arrives and kills them all.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Huh. That explains the broken statue I guess, but not the whole thing about four toes. And where’s Locke? I’m starting to think this show isn’t going anywhere.
The BLACK SMOKE thing turns into RALPH FIENNES.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy shit, Rob Zombie! Should I cover my ears or my eyes? Are you here to make shitty music or direct shitty movies?
RALPH FIENNES
Insolent fool! I am the brother of your creator-god, Liam Neeson! I was banished to the underworld but apparently I can leave whenever I want and kill people who fuck with my brother’s statues.
RALPH destroys PETE POSTLETHWAITE’S BOAT, killing SAM’S FAMILY. SAM swims to shore at ARGOS.
Meanwhile, in OLYMPUS…
EXT. OLYMPUS
LIAM NEESON in his SUIT OF TINFOIL is sitting around with other GODS. RALPH FIENNES enters.
LIAM NEESON
I am so furious! These humans keep drawing caricatures of me! If there’s one thing religious icons hate, it’s depiction!
RALPH FIENNES
Liam, allow me to attack their city. This will make them fear and worship us again! Not even an army of pedophiles will keep them from going to the temples!
LIAM NEESON
Fine, do whatever you want. Christ, how did you and I go from Schindler’s List to this piece of shit?
INT. ARGOS
SAM is brought before KING VINCENT REGAN and PRINCESS ALEXA DAVALOS.
KING VINCENT REGAN
The time of gods is over! It is now the time of men! Either way, not women, amirite?
RALPH FIENNES shows up again.
RALPH FIENNES
Sorry to break up your atheist convention, folks. Just wanted to let you know that in 10 days, I am going to unleash the Kraken, and not that bullshit Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken either. The Kraken’s hunger can only be satisfied by the sacrifice of Alexa Davalos! Oh, and like six boxes of throat lozenges. You need to sacrifice those too.
KING VINCENT REGAN
The Kraken is Norse mythology, not Greco-Roman! You gods have gone mad! What’s next, Djinn?
RALPH leaves. MADS MIKKELSEN and ALEXA DAVALOS approach SAM.
ALEXA DAVALOS
We should go ahead and sacrifice me. I don’t really matter in this version of the movie, I’ve only got like five lines. I don’t think I’m even Sam’s love interest anymore. If we kill me now, nobody will have to sit through this crap.
MADS MIKKELSEN
Sam, is it true that you are a demi-god?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Wait, what? Did I miss a scene? When did that get revealed?
GEMMA ARTERTON
It’s true, Sam. I am also a demi-god, and I’ve been watching over you all of your life. Except when your entire family was killed, my bad. Anyway, you’re the child of Liam Neeson and a queen. When the king found out, he grew angry with rage and sent you both out to sea in a box, at which point your mother’s hair changed color.
SAM WORTHINGTON
I am the bastard child of Liam Neeson? Sweet deal if I ever get kidnapped in Paris, but otherwise this sucks pretty bad.
MADS MIKKELSEN
If you are a demi-god, you can kill the Kraken, which will then let you kill Ralph Fiennes! Of course there will probably be a few other levels before you do that. Maybe about 10-20 hours for the single player campaign.
GEMMA ARTERTON
Sounds good. Do we want to all settle on what type of accent we’re going to be doing before we go? No? Just keep speaking English in a random assortment of accents?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Hey look, here’s a mechanical owl because fans of the original film need us to tickle their balls for some reason!
EXT. WOODS
They travel into the woods along with VARIOUS BEARDED TOUGH GUYS. The woods quickly turn into a DESERT full of GIGANTIC CGI SCORPIONS.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy crap, these actually look WORSE than the shitty stop-motion models. Did Director Louis Leterrior watch the original and think “I bet I could make this piece of crap even worse”?
They FIGHT the SCORPIONS, and eventually some DJINN show up to help.
DJINN
Utinni!
MADS MIKKELSEN
I guess you can come along. We’ve lost a lot of time, we should ride the scorpions even though they move slower than we do. Sam, you should take this random sword I found, I think it’s a gift from Liam Neeson.
SAM WORTHINGTON
The same Liam Neeson that commanded your city be destroyed? Are all humans this dumb, or just you? Anyway, I don’t want it, I want to succeed as a man, not a god.
MADS MIKKELSEN
Oh. Well, Liam Neeson left you this shiny gold coin.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Ohhh, shiny! That I’ll take. Totally different. We can use it to cross the river Styx so we can kill Medusa and use her head against the Kraken.
MADS MIKKELSEN
You know, you can just warp straight to her by entering “8uuuuu uuuuuu uuuuuu uuuuuu” at the password screen?
GEMMA ARTERTON
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck on. Medusa was a woman who turned down the sexual advances of a god, who then raped her, which caused another god to put a curse on her that turns anyone to stone when they look at her. Now we’re going to track down this poor woman who did nothing wrong and just wants to be left alone, then cut off her fucking head to use it as a weapon? There were like fifty writers on this screenplay and nobody realized the main characters are total wangholes?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Boooooo-ring! Is it time for an action scene yet? Like maybe I could ride a three-headed lobster or something.
SAM and his POSSE confront MEDUSA. EVERYONE gets turned to STONE except the DJINN, who uses himself as a bomb to cripple MEDUSA long enough for SAM to cut her head off.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Let’s all try to ignore the fact that the only character in this movie inspired by Arabian rather than Greco-Roman mythology just became the film’s only suicide bomber.
GEMMA ARTERTON is killed by TWO-FACE IN A SKIRT, who SAM kills. SAM rides a PEGASUS back to ARGOS to kill the KRAKEN. It’s all very PERCY JACKSON but SUPER-DUPER-SERIOUS.
EXT. ARGOS
A HARPY steals the MEDUSA HEAD from SAM and flies all around.
SAM WORTHINGTON
I really hope I can get that back before the harpy realizes that he can pretty much end the movie by tossing that thing in the sea or the Kraken’s mouth…
He DOES. He uses the HEAD to freeze the KRAKEN.
RALPH FIENNES
Damn! And to think, my entire plan would have worked flawlessly if I simply hadn’t needlessly murdered your family as they were randomly passing by!
(stabbed, leaves)
LIAM NEESON comes down to talk to SAM.
LIAM NEESON
You’ve done a great job defeating the monster that I allowed out to destroy you. I’m proud of you, son.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Are we just going to forget you raped my mother? We’re cool now, is that it?
LIAM NEESON
As a gift, I’ve brought Gemma Arterton back to life.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Why not just bring back my fucking family, you complete asshole?
LIAM NEESON
You’re welcome, son.
(leaves)
KING VENCENT REGAN
We did it, Sam! My soldiers were easily dispatched by a variety of monsters, but we were able to overcome them with the help oftwo demi-gods and a magical sword handed down by our creator! Damn the gods, who needs ‘em!
SAM WORTHINGTON
Humans are kind of schmucks, huh? You sure you guys are ready to abandon religion?
END
Holy hell, how do you people notice shit like that?
May 4th, 2010 at 5:21 pmThis has to be the first abridged script that contains more dialogues than the actual movie. Pretty funny too.
And regarding Medusa, what would it be the more humane thing to do? To allow her undeserved suffering to continue for eternity or to free her from such torture?
May 4th, 2010 at 9:20 pmActually Medusa was pretty much always a snake haired woman who turned people into stone in about 100% of Greek mythology. In Roman mythology she was punished by Minerva (Athena) when she had sex with Neptune (Poseidon) inside taking care of the temple (although this only happened in one written story) and some later interpretations of that story decided that it was rape instead of just sex.
May 4th, 2010 at 11:58 pmYou are stupid and wrong.
Dear Rob: Carry on.
May 5th, 2010 at 12:53 amObviously I'm sitting in my mother's basement in my underwear. :p That line was damn funny, tho! So now we gotta start saving your 'drafts' as Collector's Items? hehe
May 5th, 2010 at 1:54 amSome will read your script the first minute it's out and remember everything in it. Others will call you "Rob".
May 5th, 2010 at 2:16 amI also liked the Kid Icarus reference, that game is the first thing I think of whenever someone mentions Medusa.
May 5th, 2010 at 2:25 amIt's Rod, Boris, but I agree. Fuck that guy.
May 5th, 2010 at 4:19 amMy favorite thing about these scripts is that they take my suspension of disbelief and smack it around a bit, reminding me how much crap my brain allows Hollywood to get away with.
Thanks once again for pointing out all the stupid shit I missed while bending over backwards to give this movie a break.
By the way, I think every movie from now on is supposed to have either Sam Worthington or Mark Strong in it somewhere. I think Satan has them both under contract.
May 5th, 2010 at 4:26 amNice script too bad I do not have any 3D glasses handy.
May 4th, 2010 at 10:14 pmFail!
May 5th, 2010 at 5:33 amSince nobody's commented (that I've noticed) on the Lost reference, pure awesome. And was the caricatures reference to south park? If so, bravo!!!
May 5th, 2010 at 5:36 amWhy is it that I never noticed how shitty a movie is until I read Rod's script?
May 5th, 2010 at 6:07 amThis movie is so stupid.
In an awesome way, at least in my opinion. Remind me to go make some 3D glasses or something so I can experience the magic here.
Oh btw, the 3D in the film was horrendous. Some of the worst I've ever seen. Ever.
May 5th, 2010 at 8:24 amThey could have tried talking to her and asking her to help. She'd probably want to, too, considering the gods are her real enemies. Furthermore, that would allow the movie to do something completely unique and cool with the story.
May 5th, 2010 at 2:33 pmSo? In THIS film she wasn't evil.
May 5th, 2010 at 2:34 pmActually, I just save the $40 it takes to go see a movie these days and read Rod’s abridge scripts. They’re more entertaining anyway.
Excellent work, sir!
May 5th, 2010 at 11:06 amIt was like I was actually reading it!
I don't know why The Machine bothers trying to adapt Greek mythology. So full of rape and incest and revenge best served like Roast Beast over a spit… they look at it and figure "Hey, we'll take out all the rape and replace it with fart jokes and CGI." Good gods.
Remember the Iliad? Achilles takes the beach and then argues with troops over which women he gets to rape first. Why couldn't that have been in Troy? Why couldn't any of it? WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE ME HAPPY?!!
And they'll do Conan soon….. uuuuuuugh
May 6th, 2010 at 1:47 amYeah, don't try for First when the comments are MODERATED. Well actually, please don't try for it ever, if you can help it…
May 6th, 2010 at 5:04 amMan, I never thought about that ending for some reason. I think I was just ready to leave the theatre at that point.
May 6th, 2010 at 1:15 pmDunno; she seemed pretty eager just to kill them.
But yeah, maybe lose the stupid owl scene and do that instead?
May 6th, 2010 at 3:05 pmIn this case, I don't think there's any excuse.
May 6th, 2010 at 3:07 pmBTW, the whole point of the trip was to go see the statue of Zeus; probably why he brought the family along (aside from the fact that they all worked together as most tradesmen's families did back then). Io's not a demigod(dess); she's just stuck with living until someone stabs her. Perseus was revealed as a DG when he didn't get sucked into the Voldemortex, or Voldemornado, or whatever the heck that thing was.
Also, I was too harsh. This script sits better after a second reading.
May 6th, 2010 at 3:36 pmRemember how close to the facts that movie about Alexander the Great was? Yeah, it sucked balls didn't it. Maybe you should stop screaming OMG MORE BLOOD MORE RAPE YEAH and actually enjoy a movie when it's half good. Troy is a good example. True it was cheesy now and then but at least it bothered to give a story rather than just make special effects and a known cast do what they want on set.
This movie on the other hand; the the fact that the 80s movie is better just says it all.
May 6th, 2010 at 6:36 pmI agree too, this 'Fan' guy's a trolling dolt, excellently funny script!
May 6th, 2010 at 7:45 pm"My favorite thing about these scripts is that they take my suspension of disbelief and smack it around a bit, reminding me how much crap my brain allows Hollywood to get away with."
You hit it exactly. That's the perfect way to describe the brilliance of this site.
May 7th, 2010 at 6:07 pm+10 for the Lost reference.
May 7th, 2010 at 6:08 pmI knew this movie is full of crap but now i've a proof
May 8th, 2010 at 11:02 amOr I can enjoy a movie when it's ALL GOOD.
Alexander suffered from a complete lack of vision on Oliver Stone's part, which is what Troy also suffers from. They both fail to make me care about what's going on, but one is a case of the director masturbating about a subject he's interested in and the other is a messy stew of bullshit designed to appeal to as many people as possible. BOTH ARE BAD MOVIES.
Tries to have a story… how about "this has a story"? Or "this has a good story"? I'm not going to compromise on something just because it TRIES but FAILS, which isn't even the case for Troy — these fucking people couldn't get enough mileage out of the GODDAMN ILIAD?!
May 8th, 2010 at 8:47 pmUm…I'm wearing 3D glasses right now, aaaand the font doesn't look any different. I can still see the reds and blues and stuff. Huh.
Oh well.
May 10th, 2010 at 1:31 amWas a much better film than I was expecting. My friend and I had a good drink and a good laugh.
May 10th, 2010 at 3:55 amDamnit, it took me like three read-throughs to gét the 3D joke part.
Fun script, all in all. I kind of liked the movie, but it did seriously deserve to be poked fun at. Also, I'm glad I'm not the only one who described this movie as Percy Jackson on steroids.
May 10th, 2010 at 10:01 amIt's the price of Internet fame, really.
May 10th, 2010 at 10:05 amWhy can't people stop using Alexander the Great as a close to the facts adaptation? It was so close to the facts everything in that movie was in english with greek-like fonts… even the papyrus. Even The Lord of the Rings was "closer" to the facts.
This movie, on the other hand, was pretty crappy. Thank god hollywood and comics had trained me to turn off my suspenction of disbelief beyond healty standards.
May 10th, 2010 at 1:06 pmHow dare he have an opinion!
May 12th, 2010 at 8:38 amSeriously, everyone stop sucking on Rod's cock, he's a funny guy but some of his scripts just aren't that good.
'Christ, how did you and I go from Schindler’s List to this piece of shit?'
I thought the EXACT same thing watching it.
May 12th, 2010 at 7:24 pmNo, I changed it. It was previously set to "monospace" which was rendering pretty nicely in some browsers, but picking shitty versions of Courier in others. I standardized it to all be the same font.
Not sure I'm completely satisfied with it though. Thoughts?
May 26th, 2010 at 4:10 amBest part of my viewing experience was at one point Zeus said something about the Earth trembling and then a real earthquake shook the theatre (Yay, Los Angeles). We all sat there stunned for a minute and then realized we paid an extra six bucks for 3D glasses so we were going to watch this movie until the roof came down.
June 15th, 2010 at 11:19 pmIf you are having trouble viewing this script in 3D…
oh jeez i had
crappy movie! funny crack-ish parody!
July 25th, 2010 at 2:00 pmcos ur an idiot?
July 27th, 2010 at 8:06 amThat Medusa was kinda hot, except for the whole, you know, being-a-snake-and-turning-you-to-stone-thing.
July 29th, 2010 at 8:44 amsecond that!
August 24th, 2010 at 12:54 am