WRATH OF THE TITANS
The Abridged Script
EXT. ANCIENT GREECE
Everything is GREY and WASHED OUT because this is AN EPIC.
LIAM NEESON (V.O.)
I know you all mentally erased "Clash" from your memories, so I'll recap. I am Zeus. My son Sam Worthington killed the Kraken and I offered to make him Junior CEO of Olympus but he OMG WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL DOING THESE MOVIES?!
LIAM appears to his demigod son SAM WORTHINGTON.
Sam, the Gods are losing their powers because nobody's praying to us anymore.
Could it have something to do with your penchant for killing lots of your worshipers and raping their women, like my mother?
Nah, that's not it. I need you to help save me and the other Gods.
But the Gods killed my foster parents! And you sent a giant shitty CGI monster to kill me!
Would you please stop reminding daddy about how he tried to Casey Anthony you?
Remember my girlfriend from the last movie? The one who died and who you brought back to life? Well she died again so I was thinking maybe you could--
INT. TARTARUS (AKA "ALCATRAZ FOR CGI MONSTERS")
LIAM and his brother DANNY HUSTON (Posiedon) meet with LIAM's son EDGAR RAMIREZ (Ares) and LIAM's other brother RALPH FIENNES (Voldemort, but with a NOSE).
Liam, I'm still super pissed at you for trapping me here, so I'm going to wake up our father Kronos so that he can OMG WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO BE IN THIS SHITTY SEQUEL?!
Phew, I'm glad it wasn't just me.
I hate you daddy! Whah! You love Sam more than me so I'm getting Grandpa Kronos to destroy the world! Whah!
CGI MONKEYS appear and fling FLAMING POOP at LIAM and DANNY. DANNY is MORTALLY WOUNDED by the FIRE POOP.
The hell? Aren't I a God? How can fire poop hurt me? This is bullshit.
LIAM is captured and EDGAR steals his LIGHTNING BOLT THING.
My toy! Mine! Whah!
It has begun.
You mean the decline of our careers? Yeah, no shit.
EXT. ANCIENT GREECE
LAME MYTHICAL CREATURE #1 is a TWO-HEADED CGI DRAGON THING and it FLAME BROILS SAM's village with its FIRE BREATH. But SAM kills the creature by, get this, setting it ON FIRE.
TWO-HEADED CGI DRAGON THING
The hell? How can we be killed with fire when we fucking breathe it?! This is like Aquaman being killed by drowning.
(burning to death)
Oh my God this hurts! Fire hurts! This is horrible! Now we know what our victims must feel like! Oh the ironyyyyyyyy!!!!!
(cooked, extra crispy, and served with marinara sauce)
INT. GREEK GOD MUSEUM
SAM tries to contact LIAM but DANNY shows up instead.
Sam! You have to go rescue Liam! But you'll need my demigod son Toby Kebbell to help you! Did I say "help"? I meant "be completely fucking useless!" Here, take my pitchfork thing with you!
Hasn't it been hours since Liam was captured? Couldn't you have contacted me a lot sooner and warned me about that dragon before it flamethrowered all of my friends?
(covering his ears)
NOT LISTENING! SORRY! GOTTA DIE NOW! BYE!
SAM hops on his FLYING HORSE and finds "WARRIOR" QUEEN ROSAMUND PIKE.
Hey, you're not the chick from "Chronicles of Riddick"
No, I'm a completely different actress. I guess Alexa Davalos was the only original cast member who does her own script reading.
There was a script?
Even though my character spent the last movie as a helpless damsel, I have since become a Warrior Queen. With perfect hair. And skin. And zero muscle tone. Gurlz Rule!
Danny told me you're holding his son Toby Kebbell prisoner.
Ugh! My daddy sent you? Well I hate him! Because all daddies are assholes! That means you can go straight to hell!
Great, we'll go together. See? I've already printed the directions off of Google Maps and booked a cruise through Priceline, so let's go.
We're going by boat? But can't you just fly there on your magical flying horse?
Do you know how expensive it is to fuel that fucker? Ancient apple prices are a bitch.
SAM, TOBY and ROSAMUND TELEPORT to a FOREST.
Seriously, how am I supposed to fight mythical creatures when I don't have any powers? And my armor isn't even real, there's a Gucci label on it.
But without you this would be a total sausage fest. Yay for sexism!
DIRECTOR JONATHAN LIEBESMAN
Uh-oh, the audience is getting dangerously close to actually caring about these characters. An action sequence should fix that!
LAME MYTHICAL CREATURE #2 is a POORLY RENDERED CYCLOPS and it attacks the group.
Hey penis face! Look at this pitchfork thing I got from Danny!
POORLY RENDERED CYCLOPS
Argh! A pitchfork! You could poke an eye out with that thing! MY EYE in fact! Even though I am bigger and stronger than you and have called in my entire Cyclops family for backup, we surrender!
SAM and his team TELEPORT to BILL NIGHY'S HOUSE.
Bill, you built Tartarus so we need you to get us inside.
Right after I get in some quality scenery chewing first.
(chews the fuck out of the scenery until there isn't a goddamned shred of scenery left to be chewed)
It's sad that this will be the only entertaining part of the entire movie.
The CAMERA focuses on the MECHANICAL OWL from the original movie just to COCK TEASE fans.
Nope! Still not going to use it! Fuck you, original fans!
LIAM's GOD POWERS are being sucked out of his body and transferred to his father KRONOS, a giant LAVA MONSTER.
Oh come on, how the hell can my daddy be a lava monster? This isn't even trying to be accurate anymore. You guys are just making this shit up as you go along, aren't you?
Once daddy wakes up I'm going to tell him I caught you looking at his Playboys and he's going to be real mad and put you on punishment and I'm finally going to get the top bunk! Neener neener neener!
Ralph, I forgive you for trying to kill me.
Your kind words of forgiveness have made me rethink being an evil bastard. I am now one Hallmark Card away from changing sides and helping you.
Just because I apologized? But haven't you been trying to overthrow me for centuries? Why are you having second thoughts when you've finally won?
EXT. ENTRANCE TO TARTARUS
SAM and his team TELEPORT to a door leading to TARTARUS.
Why is the door to Tartarus made out of rotating Linkin Logs?
SAM and his team enter TARTARUS via SLIP'N SLIDE and land in a full sized version TETRIS. But the CAMERAMAN films the scene through a BURLAP SACK filled with SAND just to make sure we can't SEE SHIT.
Oh no! We are in a constantly shifting maze! How are we going to navigate through it?!
By standing perfectly still!
Then they are attacked by LAME MYTHICAL CREATURE #3, a STUNTMAN wearing an awful MINOTAUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
OH YEAH BABY! I'VE BEEN STUCK DOWN HERE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND I'M READY TO KICK SOME FUCKING ASS! COME ON SAM! GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT!
What's the point of introducing these mythical creatures only to kill them off in less time than it takes to microwave popcorn?
SAM and his team reach LIAM, who is chained up and looking very CHARLTON HESTON in "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS"
It's too late! Kronos has absorbed all of my power! I'm mortal now!
One order of Patricide with extra cheese coming right up!
EDGAR HARPOONS LIAM in the back. He is about to die, but RALPH switches sides and transfers some of his GOD POWER over to him.
Together we have enough strength to hold off Kronos!
But you just shared your power with me. Doesn't that mean you should've been able to hold off Kronos all by yourself?
CGI MONSTERS come out of TARTARUS and kill THE SHIT out of ROSAMUND'S ARMY because they are all wearing RED SHIRTS.
Then LIAM and RALPH kill the monsters by WAVING THEIR HANDS AROUND A BIT while COMPUTER ANIMATORS add in the monsters LATER because LIAM and RALPH are OLD.
INT. GREEK GOD MUSEUM
SAM and EDGAR jump into a WWF ring and FIGHT.
Let's get ready to rumbuuuuuuuule!
SAM and EDGAR do WRESTLING MOVES on each other. EDGAR picks up a METAL CHAIR and BEATS SAM over the head with it. Then he chugs a BEER and crushes the can on his forehead.
Can you smell what the God of War is cookin'?
EDGAR demolishes every single MARBLE STATUE in the place using SAM'S SKULL.
I hate you Sam! Because Daddy Liam loves you more than me! What makes you so special?!
Because I can take a million blows to the head while my hair stays perfectly coiffed?
Upon hearing this news, EDGAR'S brain EXPLODES.
SAM takes back LIAM's LIGHTNING BOLT THING and uses his FLYING HORSE to get to KRONOS, who is wearing a POLYESTER JUMPSUIT, ORTHOPEDIC SHOES, and using a WALKER with TENNIS BALLS on the legs.
Sammy! My grandson! You don't call, you don't write, I mean it's the least you could do.
Sorry Grandpa Kronos. I've been busy.
Too busy to call your grandpa?! Kids these days! Now help me get into my AOL and set the timer on my VCR. And have I told you about my bad hip? Oh and my bad back? Oh and my high blood pressure? Oh and my--
OMG ENOUGH ALREADY!
SAM flies into KRONOS' LAVA MOUTH without GETTING BURNED and throws his GOD SPEAR down KRONOS' THROAT, euthanizing him.
Then SAM meets with LIAM.
I love you son, and I hope you can forgive me for that whole raping your mom incident.
I sure was.
I am mortal now and all my power is gone.
Perhaps I might be stronger without it.
You do realize that without your cool superpowers you're just a senile old fart with no money, skills or work experience, right? Have fun dying of starvation, asshole.
SAM finds ROSAMUND and shoves his TONGUE all the way down HER THROAT.
Whoawhoawhoa-- what the hell was that?!
I'm the hero! That means I get to make out with you!
No you fucking do not! I offered to make you king in the last movie and you dumped me for Strawberry Fields! Who was dead, mind you! Girls don't just forget shit like that, Sam!
Look, I'm a demigod, okay? Forcing myself on women is basically my entire job description. That and having major daddy issues.
SAM meets with his son JOHN BELL.
Hey dad, why was this movie called "Wrath of the Titans", when it only had one Titan in it?
Good question. Why is that, movie?
(gives the AUDIENCE the FINGER)
Chris W. has been an author at The Editing Room for 4 years. You can support Chris W. and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Professional Movie Watcher extraordinaire.