"If only there were gigantic robots to help us!"


"If only there were gigantic robots to help us!"

PEARL HARBOR

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FILM STUDIO

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY and PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER are collaborating on their latest effort, "The Explosion", and begin talking.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

JERRY YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE BLOWING STUFF UP RIGHT WELL WHAT IF WE MADE A PATRIOTIC MOVIE LIKE ARMAGEDDON BUT AT PEARL HARBOR A LOT OF STUFF BLEW UP THERE OKAY

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

FUCK YEAH THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME IDEA BRO! BUT HOW WILL WE MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF A SINGLE BOMBING?!

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

WE CAN JUST ADD A LOVE STORY OKAY IT CAN BE LIKE THREE HOURS OF EXPLOSIONS BOOM KERPLOW KRACKOOOOM

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

FUUUCCCKKKK YESSSSSSSS! IT'LL COST MORE THAN THE ACTUAL WAR!

INT. MILITARY TRAINING

BEN AFFLECK and JOSH HARTNETT are reading CLASSIC AMERICAN LITERATURE.

BEN AFFLECK

I sure am enjoying my life as an American. America is great and full of great things, such as Americans.

JOSH HARTNETT

Da.

BEN AFFLECK

I am in love with Kate Beckinsale.

JOSH HARTNETT

She pretty.

BEN AFFLECK

Unfortunately, I am also in love with my country. I must go fight with the British. Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Kate. Kate, I won't have sex with you, because that will make all the women in the audience want me even more. Later.

BEN AFFLECK DIES.

JOSH HARTNETT

Now chance! Kate mine!

KATE BECKINSALE

I don't think I should get together with you.

KATE'S FRIENDS

Then let us provide much dialogue to justify it. This way, you won't be hated. You should move on.

KATE BECKINSALE

That's true. After all, Ben is dead.

KATE'S FRIENDS

Oh, I doubt that. But he is..well, such a weenie. Have you noticed he cries in almost every movie he does? You can do better.

They notice JOSH HARTNETT picking bugs out of his hair and eating them.

KATE'S FRIENDS

Well, you can at least do differently.

JOSH'S FRIENDS

Let's also provide justification so you won't be hated. It'll make your death more dramatic.

JOSH HARTNETT

Josh death?

KATE BECKINSALE

Quiet. I love you.

JOSH HARTNETT

Me laid!

INT. EVIL JAPANESE BASE OF EVIL

The JAPANESE MILITARY is planning something...EVIL.

JAPANESE LEADER

We must attack the Americans when they are sleeping and defenseless. Let's kick them in their collective balls and then pull their hair.

SHANG TSUNG

Hey! I don't believe it! A war movie where we're the enemies and we aren't faceless villains! Look at this! We have scenes, lines, faces! This is great! We have personalities!

JAPANESE LEADER

Yeah, personalities of pure evil.

SHANG TSUNG

Hmm. Good point. Let's express one line of regret. I wish we didn't have to kill as many people as possible in a horribly dastardly way.

JAPANESE LEADER

Good work.

They plan their attack by wading around in small pools that have little plastic boats all around. This is FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

INT. PEARL HARBOR

BEN AFFLECK RETURNS

BEN AFFLECK

Hey, I'm back. And I expect everything to be exactly the same as when I left. Everything is the same, right?

KATE BECKINSALE

Er, well, uh..

BEN AFFLECK

Gahh! My honor has ruined my life! I hate you, Josh Hartnett!

(cries)

He slugs Josh in the face unexpectedly, much like the JAPANESE MILITARY will do to AMERICANS the next day.

JOSH HARTNETT

Pain! Josh mad! JOSH SMASH!!!

They fight! Then they finish fighting.

BEN AFFLECK

Through our battle, we have discovered that we can coexist peacefully. Perhaps temporary violence truly is the answer. If we can resolve our differences, maybe there is hope for the world.

JOSH HARTNETT

Actually, me still want bone Kate.

EXT. VARIOUS OUTDOOR SCENES

The JAPANESE MILITARY flies to PEARL HARBOR, passing by CHILDREN INNOCENTLY PLAYING STICKBALL, a COUPLE INNOCENTLY WATCHING THE SUN RISE, and an INNOCENT MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BEING INNOCENT TOGETHER.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

OH FUCK WE'RE ALMOST THERE JUST A LITTLE LONGER OKAY

INT. MILITARY INTELLIGENCE

DAN AYKROYD

Hello, I am a codebreaker. We can't decode quickly enough to provide full evidence of the attack, so it's really no American's fault that Pearl Harbor is bombed.

JON VOIGHT

So, we're totally innocent here, right?

DAN AYKROYD

It appears that way, Mr. President.

(pause)

What the hell happened to me?

EXT. PEARL HARBOR

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY begins headbanging to "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

Stuff gets BOMBED. Things EXPLODE. People gather around places and those places are BOMBED and they EXPLODE. LOUD BULLETS whiz by, hitting people, whose body parts EXPLODE. EXPLOSIONS ABOUND!

PRODUCE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

FUCK YES! BOOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!

AUDIENCE

This is fucking badass! Wait, this is semi-historical. This isn't just some throwaway action bullshit, this actually happened, and I almost didn't realize it because of the incompetent direction of Action Director Michael Bay.

BEN AFFLECK

Get me in a plane.

JOSH HARTNETT

Get plane!

More EXPLOSIONS.

CUBA GOODING JR. says his second line and shoots a plane down.

CUBA GOODING JR.

I am not an afterthought. I was in the script from the beginning. I promise.

Eventually, BEN and JOSH get into planes. They take down 8 Japanese fighters!

ALEC BALDWIN

If only we had gotten Ben and Josh to a plane sooner. They could have won the war for us. Anyway, we're planning a special top-secret mission. We want you. Hey, does anyone know when I adopted this horribly over-the-top acting style?

BEN AFFLECK

I'm fully willing to do whatever my country asks of me. Any way I can help to win this war for our country.

JOSH HARTNETT

Josh do war! Josh do war!

ALEC BALDWIN

Great. I can't wait till we drop the atom bomb on them.

BEN AFFLECK

General, that's not for quite some time.

ALEC BALDWIN

Oh, really? I better tell Michael Bay, he had his heart set on an atom bomb sequence. Oh well, I'll see you soon. Now go talk to Kate Beckinsale.

INT. PEARL HARBOR

KATE BECKINSALE

As a female character in a Michael Bay movie, I can only exist in three states: In Love, Sad but Proud, and Confused. I'm the third one right now.

BEN AFFLECK

Because you don't know who you love?

KATE BECKINSALE

Actually, it's because I don't know what I'm doing in such a paint-by-the-numbers film. I've won awards.

BEN AFFLECK

So have I.

KATE BECKINSALE

But I actually deserved mine. Anyway, I have a problem. You see, I still love you, Ben... but I'm pregnant with Josh's child.

BEN AFFLECK

Oh god. God, no! Josh Hartnett is...is... breeding!! NOOOOOO!

(cries)

KATE BECKINSALE

Yes. So while I love you, I must force myself to love him more. You'll always have a special place in my heart, Ben. But Josh will always have a special place in my pants. Plus, I flipped a coin.

BEN AFFLECK

Well, damn.

(walking away)

Oh well, I gotta go to war. Bye.

KATE BECKINSALE

Ben? If you could see to it that one of you two dies out there, it will make my life a lot easier.

EXT. TOKYO

They BOMB Japan. The explosions aren't as big and we don't zoom in on actual people being killed. This is because we are not EVIL, merely VENGEFUL, and MORALLY CORRECT.

BEN AFFLECK

(crying)

Alright! We have achieved a small victory!

ALEC BALDWIN

It appears that we're out of fuel and must crash-land on enemy soil.

They do so. There is a small gunfight. BEN sacrifices himself for JOSH. JOSH then sacrifices himself for BEN. BEN sacrifices himself for JOSH again. JOSH sacrifices himself for BEN once more. JOSH DIES.

JOSH HARTNETT

Josh... dying.

BEN AFFLECK

(crying)

I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you that you're a father.

JOSH HARTNETT

Josh father? Josh thought Josh impotent. Josh hooked on steroid. No matter. Josh dead.

BEN AFFLECK

Josh? Josh? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(pause)

Okay, well, Kate's mine then.

EXT. BACK IN AMERICA

BEN RETURNS.

KATE BECKINSALE

(quietly to self)

..You love Josh. Not Ben. You love Josh. Not Ben. You love Josh. Not Ben.. You..

BEN AFFLECK

I'm back. Josh is dead.

KATE BECKINSALE

Problem solved. Let's buy a farm and grow old together and raise little.. little... hmm, what should we call him?

BEN AFFLECK

Let's name him after the man whose brave actions led to our eternal love and happiness.. I think the guy who shot Josh was named Noriaki Sato.

KATE BECKINSALE

Perfect!

END

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