King Arthur: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Sep 4th, 2004 | Movie Rating: 
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FADE IN:
EXT. ROMAN EMPIRE - BIG OPEN PLAINS
CLIVE OWEN and his band of BRAVE UNRECOGNIZABLE ACTORS enter and slice up a bunch of DIRTY PEOPLE in a way that manages to simultaneously be incredibly violent and shockingly bland.
IOAN GRUFFUDD (V.O.)
Greetings everyone. I play Lancelot, and I’ll be your narrator tonight.
(pause)
The legend of King Arthur and his band of brave knights is based upon a real hero whose story was so boring that it had to be turned into a mythical legend in order to be preserved through time.
(pause)
This is the original tale, free of all that froo-froo myth, magic, and wonder.
STEPHEN DILLANE
For example, though I play Merlin, I don’t have any magical powers at all. I’m just covered in dirt. That’s about it for me.
CLIVE saves EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI.
EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI
Thank you, Clive. These must be your knights. I thought there were more of you.
CLIVE OWEN
There were, but it’s hard enough telling these guys apart since nobody has a shred of personality. We figured six was already pushing it.
EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI
Oh. Well, to show my appreciation, I will withhold the papers that make your knights free men until they take on one more incredibly dangerous task.
RAY WINSTONE
As the loud, fat ruffian, I will grimace and yell angrily! Ray Winstone Smash!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
And I shall whine incessantly about everything.
JOEL EDGERTON
I, with my fellow knights, will blend silently into the background and be forgotten.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Don’t I know you from somewhere?
CLIVE and his KNIGHTS venture out to find SOME RICH GUY. Meanwhile, STELLAN SKARSGARD and his EVIL TEAM OF CAMPY VILLAINS begin to INVADE.
EXT. CASTLE WHERE THAT RICH GUY LIVES
CLIVE nobly saves all of the RICH GUY’S SERFS and rescues KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, who is a member of STEPHEN DILLANE’S TRIBE.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
I’m not just some damsel in distress, I’m a strong, independent female character who is surprisingly progressive considering the time period.
CLIVE OWEN
Sounds familiar..
STEPHEN DILLANE
Yeah, my one magical power is to lift characters from successful films and insert them into this one.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Try wearing a corset!
CLIVE, KEIRA, and ALL OF THE KNIGHTS make their way across a frozen lake. They are followed by STELLAN SKARSGARD and his band of RIDICULOUSLY HAIRY VILLAINS.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Fire arrows at them!
They do, but the arrows don’t reach.
CLIVE OWEN
Fire arrows back! Aim slightly higher!
They do, and kill about 10 bad guys.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Curses! He’s aiming higher! He’s unstoppable!
TIL SCHWEIGER
Move closer until our ranks are diminished!
They do. Eventually, a RANDOM KNIGHT runs forward and slams his axe into the ice. A huge crack is created that moves toward the bad guys and not the good guys, because that makes sense. CLIVE and the KNIGHTS escape!
EXT. SOME CASTLE
CLIVE is greeted by EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI. He sets all of the KNIGHTS free. STELLAN and his TROUPE OF EASILY FRIGHTENED VILLAINS gets closer.
CLIVE OWEN
I will defend Rome, because of how totally noble I am.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Hey, I’m noble too! Let me help, even though I’ve spent the movie whining about having to risk my life in battles that don’t affect me.
RAY WINSTONE
Ray Winstone good! Stellan Starsgard bad! Roawr!
JOEL EDGERTON
I’ll help too!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I swear I know you from somewhere..
Not to be outdone, KEIRA, dressed in what appears to be nothing but four belts, attacks the VILLAINS and single handedly kills a ton of them. TIL SCHWEIGER, armed with his GOATEE OF POWER, fights IOAN. TIL wins!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Gurp! I’ve been run through. Such terrible pain!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Try wearing a corset!
JOEL EDGERTON
Ioan, you got stabbed? How did you narrate the beginning of the movie to everyone? This doesn’t make any sense.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’ve got it! You’re Owen Lars from Star Wars! I knew I recognized you! At least one of the knights is partially recognizable!
(dies)
CLIVE and STELLAN have their predictable fight-to-the-death. The formulaic movie ends, having sucked all of the magic out of the legend of KING ARTHUR.
AUDIENCE
That was the most painfully boring movie I’ve ever seen.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Try wearing a corset!
END
are you sure this script is like “the death of king arthur”? cause i was looking for it, and it brought me here.
July 4th, 2007 at 3:16 amYes Drea. Its the original. If isnt good for you…
Try wearing a corset!
July 25th, 2007 at 1:11 amWell. Keira Knightley’s limitations are exposed here, alright…
November 14th, 2007 at 10:55 am”Curses! He’s aiming higher! He’s unstoppable!’
THANK YOU, I though the exact same thing.
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:10 pmActually, the aiming higher thing has some basis in reality. The Saxons were supposedly using crossbows. (Really unlikely in that period, but whatever.) One of the problems with using a crossbow in battle used to be that it is almost impossible to fire them at an angle. The bow itself blocks your field of view, so you cannot aim and the bolt tends to wobble around, making accurate shooting impossible. Modern bows can be made to compensate (so a certain point) for those failing, but in the middle ages it was a very serious problem.
January 17th, 2008 at 11:36 amPoint is: handbows could be used with some accuracy over longer ranges than crossbows. Especially the bows used by Roman cavalry of the period, which were copied of the Persian design and extremely powerful. Of course some explanation would have been nice, since we can hardly expect the audience to know these things.
@the bow discussion:
but strangely the Saxons measure the firing range of their crossbows with a handbow in the movie.
February 16th, 2008 at 8:05 am—
Also when the ice breaks it breaks forward (towards the bad guys) and as that is the direction in which Dagonet thrusts his axe I actually think that is the way the ice would break according to the laws of physics (not too sure though). since after it breaks forward it starts breaking in the reverse way too.
Utter defiance Says:
but strangely the Saxons measure the firing range of their crossbows with a handbow in the movie.
—
Also when the ice breaks it breaks forward (towards the bad guys) and as that is the direction in which Dagonet thrusts his axe I actually think that is the way the ice would break according to the laws of physics (not too sure though). since after it breaks forward it starts breaking in the reverse way too.
Yeah, the way they measure the firing range makes no sense whatsoever. Nor does bunching up in a single group when under fire from half a dozen archers. They should have split up in multiple groups.
The ice beraking that way can actually be explained (kind of). The ice would start to fracture toward the point where it is under the greatest pressure (where the largest number of people is standing on it). I got to admit though, that the reality isn’t anywhere near as clean as this. For one thing, shattering ice is not that easy. If it is thick enough to hold a couple of hundred people, you’d be chipping for quite a while before you’re through. Also, once it breaks, the crack doesn’t necessarily continue like that. Most likely, Dagonet would have created a hole under his own feet (nice way to commit suicide!) and created a weak area, but the saxons would have to time to run for the shore.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:51 amFor some reason I absolutely loved the line, “I’m just covered in dirt. That’s about it for me.”
May 16th, 2008 at 7:17 pmIt was depressing having all the magic sucked out of King Arthur…I mean, seriously. Childhood dreams CRUSHED, much?
…Try wearing a corset! ((Seriously lol’d, no joke.))
July 1st, 2008 at 2:11 pmGreat line, “Try wearing a corset!” I can’t wait for Keira to complain about something else. At least in public she hadn’t complained about being confussed for Natalie Portman by her mom.
I havn’t seen the movie, but what the fig? King Arthur is Roman?
July 25th, 2008 at 5:23 pm