Clive reacts poorly to the delivery of his script for "Derailed"


Clive reacts poorly to the delivery of his script for "Derailed"

KING ARTHUR

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ROMAN EMPIRE - BIG OPEN PLAINS

CLIVE OWEN and his band of BRAVE UNRECOGNIZABLE ACTORS enter and slice up a bunch of DIRTY PEOPLE in a way that manages to simultaneously be incredibly violent and shockingly bland.

IOAN GRUFFUDD (V.O.)

Greetings everyone. I play Lancelot, and I'll be your narrator tonight.

(pause)

The legend of King Arthur and his band of brave knights is based upon a real hero whose story was so boring that it had to be turned into a mythical legend in order to be preserved through time.

(pause)

This is the original tale, free of all that froo-froo myth, magic, and wonder.

STEPHEN DILLANE

For example, though I play Merlin, I don't have any magical powers at all. I'm just covered in dirt. That's about it for me.

CLIVE saves EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI.

EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI

Thank you, Clive. These must be your knights. I thought there were more of you.

CLIVE OWEN

There were, but it's hard enough telling these guys apart since nobody has a shred of personality. We figured six was already pushing it.

EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI

Oh. Well, to show my appreciation, I will withhold the papers that make your knights free men until they take on one more incredibly dangerous task.

RAY WINSTONE

As the loud, fat ruffian, I will grimace and yell angrily! Ray Winstone Smash!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

And I shall whine incessantly about everything.

JOEL EDGERTON

I, with my fellow knights, will blend silently into the background and be forgotten.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Don't I know you from somewhere?

CLIVE and his KNIGHTS venture out to find SOME RICH GUY. Meanwhile, STELLAN SKARSGARD and his EVIL TEAM OF CAMPY VILLAINS begin to INVADE.

EXT. CASTLE WHERE THAT RICH GUY LIVES

CLIVE nobly saves all of the RICH GUY'S SERFS and rescues KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, who is a member of STEPHEN DILLANE'S TRIBE.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

I'm not just some damsel in distress, I'm a strong, independent female character who is surprisingly progressive considering the time period.

CLIVE OWEN

Sounds familiar..

STEPHEN DILLANE

Yeah, my one magical power is to lift characters from successful films and insert them into this one.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Try wearing a corset!

CLIVE, KEIRA, and ALL OF THE KNIGHTS make their way across a frozen lake. They are followed by STELLAN SKARSGARD and his band of RIDICULOUSLY HAIRY VILLAINS.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Fire arrows at them!

They do, but the arrows don't reach.

CLIVE OWEN

Fire arrows back! Aim slightly higher!

They do, and kill about 10 bad guys.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Curses! He's aiming higher! He's unstoppable!

TIL SCHWEIGER

Move closer until our ranks are diminished!

They do. Eventually, a RANDOM KNIGHT runs forward and slams his axe into the ice. A huge crack is created that moves toward the bad guys and not the good guys, because that makes sense. CLIVE and the KNIGHTS escape!

EXT. SOME CASTLE

CLIVE is greeted by EVIL BISHOP IVANO MARESCOTTI. He sets all of the KNIGHTS free. STELLAN and his TROUPE OF EASILY FRIGHTENED VILLAINS gets closer.

CLIVE OWEN

I will defend Rome, because of how totally noble I am.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Hey, I'm noble too! Let me help, even though I've spent the movie whining about having to risk my life in battles that don't affect me.

RAY WINSTONE

Ray Winstone good! Stellan Starsgard bad! Roawr!

JOEL EDGERTON

I'll help too!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

I swear I know you from somewhere..

Not to be outdone, KEIRA, dressed in what appears to be nothing but four belts, attacks the VILLAINS and single handedly kills a ton of them. TIL SCHWEIGER, armed with his GOATEE OF POWER, fights IOAN. TIL wins!

IOAN GRUFFUDD

Gurp! I've been run through. Such terrible pain!

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Try wearing a corset!

JOEL EDGERTON

Ioan, you got stabbed? How did you narrate the beginning of the movie to everyone? This doesn't make any sense.

IOAN GRUFFUDD

I've got it! You're Owen Lars from Star Wars! I knew I recognized you! At least one of the knights is partially recognizable!

(dies)

CLIVE and STELLAN have their predictable fight-to-the-death. The formulaic movie ends, having sucked all of the magic out of the legend of KING ARTHUR.

AUDIENCE

That was the most painfully boring movie I've ever seen.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Try wearing a corset!

END

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