The Abridged Script
RUSSELL CROWE'S ARMY is prepared to fight.
I am their general. I am totally fucking awesome. Attack!
The camera explodes, gyrating wildly about.
SOMEONE FIND GENERAL RYAN! WE MUST SAVE GENERAL RYAN!
Blood is thrown all over the place. Many people are dead and some are alive.
I'm old. Be the new emperor.
They talk for 63 minutes straight.
Well, I don't know...
That's all right, I'll do it.
(kills Russell's family) (tries to kill Russell)
Damn, missed that last one. I'll go stare at the odd cleft in my lip for a while now.
I will get revenge for the murder of my wife and kid.
EXT. SLAVE'S R US
I'll buy these random slaves and Russell Crowe, who is enraged and vengeful.
That one is very expensive.
Alright. Here are some republic credits.
OLIVER makes off with RUSSELL, DJIMON HOUNSOU and the doomed slaves.
A shitload of bad guys enter. RUSSELL shows the other gladiators how to work together in order to protect RUSSELL. Eventually, RUSSELL kills everyone.
DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT
Look! It's a mindlessly bloody action movie!
RUSSELL CROWE has a discussion with DJIMON, who listens intently as RUSSELL whines. This lasts about 19 minutes.
DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT
Now it's a deep yet oddly shallow and unoriginal drama!
If you gain the acceptance of the audience by killing who they want you to kill and doing it in creative, bloody, and yellow-tinted ways, you might be able to go free and seek your vengeance.
I will kill whoever I need to in order to get what I want here.
Hey! That's all I really did...
Uh oh. We can't have that.
RUSSELL shows mercy to one of the people he was ready to kill just to show he's not as bad as JOAQUIN. The audience loves him for his mercy.
WHAT THE FUCK! KILL HIM! BLOOD, GOD DAMMIT!
The camera zooms around insanely so the AUDIENCE doesn't know if anyone else was killed or not.
UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER WITHOUT PENIS
I am Joaquin's sister. I will help you, Russell.
Thanks for the kiss, your tounge tastes good. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go back to my endless quest to seek revenge for my wife, whom I love.
Hello Russell. Would you like me to follow you around while you mope?
I miss my wife. And my kid. I also didn't win best actor for The Insider.
They talk for 27 minutes straight.
That's it. They hate me and love you, Russell. I challenge you. Now you have your chance to exact vengeance. I'm sure your almost supernaturally strong drive to seek revenge won't overpower my spoiled little dick self.
RUSSELL kicks the holy hell out of JOAQUIN. JOAQUIN dies. RUSSELL dies.
INT. A CASTLE - AFTERLIFE
Don't hey honey me. I saw you kiss that woman. You're sleeping on the overexposed couch tonight.