"No problem, I'll just arrow the tiger and... FUCK, that's Robin Hood. Anyone got a phone?"


"No problem, I'll just arrow the tiger and... FUCK, that's Robin Hood. Anyone got a phone?"

GLADIATOR

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

RUSSELL CROWE'S ARMY is prepared to fight.

RUSSELL CROWE

I am their general. I am totally fucking awesome. Attack!

The camera explodes, gyrating wildly about.

RUSSELL CROWE

SOMEONE FIND GENERAL RYAN! WE MUST SAVE GENERAL RYAN!

Blood is thrown all over the place. Many people are dead and some are alive.

RUSSELL CROWE

We won.

RICHARD HARRIS

I'm old. Be the new emperor.

They talk for 63 minutes straight.

RUSSELL CROWE

Well, I don't know...

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

(kills dad)

That's all right, I'll do it.

(kills Russell's family) (tries to kill Russell)

Damn, missed that last one. I'll go stare at the odd cleft in my lip for a while now.

RUSSELL CROWE

I will get revenge for the murder of my wife and kid.

EXT. SLAVE'S R US

OLIVER REED

I'll buy these random slaves and Russell Crowe, who is enraged and vengeful.

RUSSELL CROWE

Fuck you.

WATTO

That one is very expensive.

OLIVER REED

Alright. Here are some republic credits.

WATTO

Hey, wait..

OLIVER makes off with RUSSELL, DJIMON HOUNSOU and the doomed slaves.

INT. COLOSSEUM

A shitload of bad guys enter. RUSSELL shows the other gladiators how to work together in order to protect RUSSELL. Eventually, RUSSELL kills everyone.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Look! It's a mindlessly bloody action movie!

RUSSELL CROWE has a discussion with DJIMON, who listens intently as RUSSELL whines. This lasts about 19 minutes.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Now it's a deep yet oddly shallow and unoriginal drama!

OLIVER REED

If you gain the acceptance of the audience by killing who they want you to kill and doing it in creative, bloody, and yellow-tinted ways, you might be able to go free and seek your vengeance.

RUSSELL CROWE

I will kill whoever I need to in order to get what I want here.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Hey! That's all I really did...

RUSSELL CROWE

Uh oh. We can't have that.

RUSSELL shows mercy to one of the people he was ready to kill just to show he's not as bad as JOAQUIN. The audience loves him for his mercy.

MOVIE AUDIENCE

WHAT THE FUCK! KILL HIM! BLOOD, GOD DAMMIT!

The camera zooms around insanely so the AUDIENCE doesn't know if anyone else was killed or not.

UNIMPORTANT CHARACTER WITHOUT PENIS

I am Joaquin's sister. I will help you, Russell.

RUSSELL CROWE

Thanks.

They kiss.

RUSSELL CROWE

Thanks for the kiss, your tounge tastes good. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go back to my endless quest to seek revenge for my wife, whom I love.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Hello Russell. Would you like me to follow you around while you mope?

RUSSELL CROWE

I miss my wife. And my kid. I also didn't win best actor for The Insider.

They talk for 27 minutes straight.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX

That's it. They hate me and love you, Russell. I challenge you. Now you have your chance to exact vengeance. I'm sure your almost supernaturally strong drive to seek revenge won't overpower my spoiled little dick self.

RUSSELL kicks the holy hell out of JOAQUIN. JOAQUIN dies. RUSSELL dies.

INT. A CASTLE - AFTERLIFE

RUSSELL'S KID

Daddy!

RUSSELL CROWE

Son!

(to wife)

Hey honey.

RUSSELL'S WIFE

Don't hey honey me. I saw you kiss that woman. You're sleeping on the overexposed couch tonight.

END

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