Wanted: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 5th, 2008 |
103 Comments
| Movie: 
Angelina is an avid supporter of the War on Captain Crunch.
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE
JAMES MCAVOY adds numbers using EXCEL and whines incessantly in voiceover.
JAMES MCAVOY (V.O.)
Hi. My name is James McAvoy. I’m a boring loser who has a full-time job, which apparently is beneath me even though everyone else has to do it without being a whiny little bitch.
(pause)
Oh look, here comes my obnoxious, cuckolding best friend. He epitomizes the exact type of macho idiot that enjoys movies like this one, so the fact that he’s portrayed as an asshole is something of an embarrassing irony.
CHRIS PRATT
Hey man! I just drank Red Bull out of your girlfriend’s vagina, it was awesome! So what’s going on with you?
JAMES MCAVOY
Nothing much. I was just searching for my own name in Google and getting no results.
CHRIS PRATT
No results at all? Like not even for any of the other thousands of people with the same name as you? “Johnny McSkidmarks” gives me three hits, and I just made that up.
JAMES MCAVOY
Yeah, I’m like a black hole of failure. I sure hope that it turns out I’m actually the heir to an ancient society that needs me so that I can leave this well-paying, white-collar, air-conditioned office job that most people would kill to have.
For the rest of the movie, FIGHT CLUB happens, but with BULLETS.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE
JAMES purchases some anti-anxiety medication when suddenly he is approached by ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS.
ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
James, it just so happens that your father was a member of a secret organization, which we will now make you a part of, just as soon as we have a poorly directed gunfight with Thomas Kretschmann, the guy who killed your dad.
JAMES MCAVOY
I want nothing to do with any of this.
(pause)
I’m ready now, when do I start killing people?
They shoot GUNS and discharge STYLE. Various amounts of BRAIN are splattered all over the camera lens.
JAMES MCAVOY
Holy shit, this movie is gratuitously violent. Did someone just take the screenplay to a porno and replace the words “cock” with “gun” and “semen” with “blood”?
ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
Don’t be an idiot. There’s no way this movie had as much of a screenplay as your average porn.
They narrowly escape THOMAS KRETSCHMANN. ANGELIA JOLIE’S LIPS try to take JAMES to the SECRET SOCIETY HIDEOUT, but all of the studio’s sets are being used by better movies so they settle on an old TEXTILE MILL SET instead.
INT. TEXTILE MILL
JAMES meets MORGAN FREEMAN.
MORGAN FREEMAN
Let’s make this quick, I’ve got 20 minutes before I have to get back to the Dark Knight set.
JAMES MCAVOY
So, you’re a secret society of supervillians based on famous DC Comics rogues and you need me to help you in your nefarious plot to keep the world in a state of chaos and war?
MORGAN FREEMAN
What? No, you’re thinking of the comic book. We just kept the title and two character names from that best-selling piece of shit. We’re assassins that take lives in order to save thousands more.
JAMES MCAVOY
How do you decide who kill?
MORGAN FREEMAN
We have a Loom of Fate. It’s an actual Loom. And it encodes the names of our targets in binary when it stitches fabric. Seriously. This is actually in the movie.
JAMES MCAVOY
What the hell do you do when two people have the same name? And is every target in NY, or is that just luck?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Look, I gotta run. The deal is, you have the ability to accelerate your heart rate so that you can rape the laws of physics, curve bullets, jump 400 feet out of windows, flip cars, and even shoot the wings off of flies.
JAMES MCAVOY
Shoot the wings off of flies? Are action movies just running out of ways to outdo each other? Where else is there to go after shooting the wings off of flies? What’s the next preposterous action movie going to have, people shooting bullets into each other’s bullets?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Hey, good idea! You can do that with the heart rate thing too.
JAMES MCAVOY
Christ, at least Neo’s excuse was that he was inside the Matrix.
ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
We’re now going to train you to be an assassin by treating you like shit and beating the living snot out of you for no clear reason.
She DOES. Once the SECRET SOCIETY finishes beating JAMES within an inch of his life, he realizes they are his TRUE FRIENDS. They go ASSASSINATE random PEOPLE using SPECIAL EFFECTS.
JAMES MCAVOY
Cool! My increased heart rate has let me travel back in time to 1999 when stylized slow motion gunfights could pass for entertainment!
ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
The Loom of Fate says it’s time for you to kill Thomas Kretschmann.
JAMES MCAVOY
Alright! Did I get any advice on ideal murder weapons from the Scarf of Doom?
ANGELINA and JAMES travel to find THOMAS on a TRAIN. They BATTLE and eventually JAMES shoots THOMAS.
THOMAS KRETSCHMANN
Everything they told you was a lie. I’m your father.
JAMES MCAVOY
Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that like a billion scenes ago?
THOMAS KRETSCHMANN
Because I only got paid for two speaking lines. Urk!
(dies)
JAMES travels back to the TEXTILE MILL to confront MORGAN FREEMAN.
JAMES MCAVOY
Thomas Darth Vadered me. Is he really my father?
MORGAN FREEMAN
Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this? Shit, I’m still in this thing? Somebody shoot this motherfucker!
JAMES MCAVOY
How sad is it that the most entertaining part of this movie is hearing wise old grandpa Morgan Freeman say the word ‘fuck’?
ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
Hey, don’t forget about me showing my naked ass gratuitously.
They have a SHOOTOUT but MORGAN doesn’t die, so they have another SHOOTOUT where he DOES.
JAMES MCAVOY (V.O.)
…and that’s the story of how I brutally slaughtered a shitload of people, which prevented me from being a pussy like you. What the fuck have you done lately?
AUDIENCE
Um, you mean besides wasting 8 bucks watching Fight Club and The Matrix have a miscarriage together? Nothing, I guess.
END
First!! For the First time :p
August 5th, 2008 at 8:53 amDAMN! Second.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:01 am“I’m a boring loser who has a full-time job, which apparently is beneath me even though everyone else has to do it without being a whiny little bitch.” Wow.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:01 am>CHRIS PRATT
>Hey man! I just drank Red Bull out of your girlfriend’s vagina, it was awesome! So what’s going on with you?
I’m gonna puke now.
Also:
>MORGAN FREEMAN
>Let’s make this quick, I’ve got 20 minutes before I have to get back to the Dark Knight set.
>Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this? Shit, I’m still in this thing? Somebody shoot this motherfucker!
+10
August 5th, 2008 at 9:12 amWhy no rating for this one? Also, the caption under the image says “supported” where it should read “supporter.” Just pointing that out.
I don’t know exactly why, but “Johnny McSkidmarks” cracked me up.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:25 amNot trying to be a smartass, but what’s the connection to Kill Bill vol2 (per the “related posts”)? Also, I thought this movie would be better (and it wasn’t).
August 5th, 2008 at 9:50 amOh, and you should do Wanted next.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:52 amHa ha ha ha
“but all of the studio’s sets are being used by better movies
so they settle on an old TEXTILE MILL SET instead”
I thought: “this is it? an old TEXTILE MILL is the headquarters of an ancient and rich (why not) organization of assassins?”
August 5th, 2008 at 10:31 amThe best part of this movie really was when morg free said “motherfucker”… yeah, he likes to be called morg free lol.
James McAvoy just has a really annoying voice, i couldnt get past that.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:23 pmI never thought that someone could turn The Threads of Fate into a literal… THING. But lo and behold.
Morgan Freeman should know better than anyone that a giant loom that deals out death is TOO MUCH POWER FOR ONE MAN TO HAVE!!!! or whatever.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:32 pmIsmail: Congrats man. You got first! You did it, you really did! Here is you congratulatory medal of service to mankind.
Fruit: DAMN, almost!
Thanks for the script, Rod. Hilarious as always. I can’t tell you how many movies my friends were going to drag me to, but I avoided them thanks to these. As for Wanted, well…this is more of a confirmation of the obvious. A very, very funny confirmation.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:52 pmTenth! Fuck yeah, bring on puberty!
Great script! Laughed all the way to the toilet with my new Victoria Secret catalog. In your face, first and second!
August 5th, 2008 at 12:53 pmi love that people are now saying “First!” i totally started that.
also, people should stop quoting lines from rod’s script. yes, we just read it. no need for you to regurgitate.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:27 pmDarth Vader is officially a verb.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:46 pmOh and I found it real funny that everybody innocent on the train dies. Where the hell was Brandon Routh.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:51 pmAnd I loved the part where Morgan Freeman got confused with what movie he was in and started quoting The Dark Knight.
Great cloverfield. You should do script next…I mean…uh…nvm
August 5th, 2008 at 2:34 pmAfter I saw this movie (a while ago) I literally kept saying over and over “it tries to be Fight Club and The Matrix, and fails to be either”. I guess it’s good to know that Rod agrees with me. Either that, or it’s a really weird coincidence that we came up with the same two simlarities in movies.
And no, I’m not implying that he plagiarized me. There’s no way he could have, I never wrote down the aforementioned quote anywhere else.
Also, the script was funny as hell.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:35 pmGod this movie sucked! I wish they had just filmed this abridged version instead. Then I wouldn’t feel like I wasted $10!
August 5th, 2008 at 2:42 pm“…I’ve got 20 minutes before I have to get back to the Dark Knight set” Hilarious!!!
August 5th, 2008 at 2:49 pm“What the hell do you do when two people have the same name?”
August 5th, 2008 at 2:50 pmActually, if I remember correctly, they got other details about the target, like DOB and possibly location, which would probably be enough with the first two alone. Doesn’t make the loom any less ridiculous though.
JAMES MCAVOY
Alright! Did I get any advice on ideal murder weapons from the Scarf of Doom?
That’s the best line you’ve ever written, Rod.
I thought this movie wasn’t bad. Not great, a little too much unexplained superpowering, but not bad. Until the Loom of Fate came in. The Loom of Fate, which apparently has been writing targets for the Assassins in binary code for centuries. Binary code? CENTURIES? Really?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:40 pmI didn’t even like the comic so I hated this movie. The fact the main character’s origin story adds up to “I got into a special club coz daddy was a member and then I did bad things because the other people said it would make me cool.” What a pussy.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:52 pmBest line:
Fight Club and The Matrix having a miscarriage together.
Although, I wish I had paid only 8 bucks to see this shit.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:04 pmAnd just to expand on Tyallie’s point, they were a Guild of Weavers. Just weavers, until one presumably psychotic weaver spots patterns in a piece of cloth and thinks it’s the universe telling him to murder people. At which point and for no good reason, he can, as Rod succinctly puts it, “rape the laws of physics”.
Rarely are movies this insulting.
Except when they gratuitously break the fourth wall in order to call the audience, who just PAID to see their fucking film, “pathetic”.
Oh yeah, same movie.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:14 pmhttp://www.google.com/search?q=Johnny+McSkidmarks&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
I figured you were kidding. Who knew?
August 5th, 2008 at 5:23 pm“Darth Vadered me”. Epic.
P.S. Before you wrote the abridged script, Johnny McSkidmarks was a googlewhack! Great find :) Go post it.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:40 amloved the angelina circle jerk, nothing futher
August 6th, 2008 at 3:52 amAnd that is why I didn’t see this movie. I saw Hancock instead, which might’ve been a worse decision actually, but I managed to convince myself that everything after the 45 minute mark didn’t happen. Great script.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:04 amI have the ability to CURVE my pee. Totally blows away people when I’m standing at one urinal but pissing on the other.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:37 amI had no desire to see this film and this script has assured me I was right.
I read the graphic novel and it just made me do a big fat “Meh!”. The idea was vaguely clever but since all the characters were obnoxious pricks it didn’t even function that well as a satire.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:48 amAnother $11.50 that is in my 401k instead of in the studio’s pocket. I did not see this movie, I had no desire to see this movie and once again Rod your abridged script reassured me that I made the right call.
Now not to be all nitpicky here since as you all pointed out the plot to this “film” is tighter than Joan Rivers’ mug – but I have a question. If we are first led to believe that this Thomas Kreitchmann guy killed James McAvoy’s father, then why do these guys have to wait for the “Loom of Fortune” or whatever the hell it’s called to tell them that they need to go and kill him? I mean, if you are this society of assassins and one of your own gets killed – and you know exactly who did it, then why wait for this “Slot Machine of Fate” or whatever the hell it’s called to tell you to do what any rational person would have already done? (You kill our guy, we kill you back, no?) I know, I know, I have to be “that guy” and look for minute imperfections in a flawless screenplay just to make myself seem clever.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:07 amIm sorry but this one was awesome, funny fucking shit.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:54 amI have a feeling this script would be funnier if I were to watch the film, which I won’t like much.
Dammit, Rod! Now I’m going to have to spend MORE money to watch a movie that blows so that I can get the full enjoyment of the script!
:-)
August 6th, 2008 at 8:57 amWhen I saw this movie, I thought “This seems MADE for The Editing Room.” Were they SERIOUS when they made it?
Totally agree with the Fight Club and Matrix similarities. Also saw too many similarities with Minority Report as well. They take orders from a LOOM? That’s even stupider than psychics in a vegetative state.
Oh, and “Thomas Darth Vadered me” was the best line ever.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:34 amFigured you’d make fum of Common being in it and the Rat Bombs, and Jolie doing the noble thing a s a true believer of the Loom. (Making a bullet go around the room shooting everyone in the head, including herself.)
August 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pmStill good script.
keep ‘em coming.
I loved the movie and I thought my money was well spent, and yeah some of those curving bullets and wingless flies is a fuckin’ bit much, but I didn’t let that stop me from liking it. And it was also funny, not the typical humor you would think to find in an action movie.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:39 pm“How sad is it that the most entertaining part of this movie is hearing wise old grandpa Morgan Freeman say the word ‘fuck’?”
Hilarious — my thoughts exactly. Laughable movie with a couple of cool parts, but Morgan Freeman shouting “kill this motherfucker” was one of the best line readings I’ve ever heard.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:02 pm@Random bob: I’ve suffered the same problem for years now. The impulse to watch shitty movies so that I can laugh again at the abridged script is probably one of the most ridiculous impressions someone could leave on me… and I owe it all to TER. Thanks again, Rod, nice script.
/loved the novel, skipping the flick.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:58 pmNewguy – they had a go at explaining that in the movie. Presumably Rod didn’t summarize it in his script was that their explanation sucked. Basically, they said that the cardinal rule of their association was that they would only kill the people that the Loom told them to, rather than the people that a person told them to. That way, they could believe that they were killing the right people in order to make the world a better place. The story was that the guy who killed James McAvoy’s dad was breaking out against those rules and killing other Assassins. Instead, it turned out that the guy who was killing other Assassins WAS James McAvoy’s dad, and that he hadn’t broken the rules after all. Morgan Freeman had broken the rules because one day the Loom said that HE had to be killed, and he decided that he didn’t want to die. The Loom brought out the names of other people in the brotherhood as well, but Morgan Freeman covered it up. James McAvoy’s dad realised this and went against the brotherhood. Morgan Freeman drafted in James McAvoy because he knew that the dad wouldn’t kill the son. The other Assassins knew that the rogue was McAvoy’s dad, but they didn’t know why he’d turned against them.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:09 pmNewguy, this is why you don’t assume you know a plot because you read a parody made by a guy who plays up the stupid parts for laughs, next time, be less of an idiot.
They couldn’t kill him because he was their best assassin, they needed James because, as his son, he wouldn’t have been shot at in his attempt to kill the guy.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:09 pmcool. now there’s four results to johnny mcskidmarks.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:07 pmGreat script, Rod :D
I just want to throw a question out to all the people here who have seen Wanted.
Is it really that bad?
And since my friends are dragging me to the movies on Friday, I have the choice of seeing- Wanted, Pineapple Express, X-Files, The Square, Stop-Loss, Mama Mia, The Bank Job, The Dark Knight (again).
What would be the best decision?
August 7th, 2008 at 2:18 am“We just kept the title and two character names from that best-selling piece of shit.”
Thank you.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:36 amI’ve seen trailers for this movie, where a big feature was the actors in slow-mo swinging their guns in wide arcs and timing the firing to make it appear that the bullets aren’t so much fired as ‘flung’ from the barrels of their weapons. This is apparently Awesome, or at least the fight choreographers think so.
Ignorant tribal dipshits in shitty sub-saharan countries in Africa have been observed using similar techniques to ‘fling’ bullets from the barrels of their AK-47s to give them ‘Strength’, and also to ensure they can’t hit the proverbial broad-side of the barn even at point-blank range.
Let me repeat..
The fight choreographers in this movie have chosen to emulate the fighting-style of people who managed to fuck-up the usage of a rifle designed from the ground-up to be so simple to operate that even the most brain-dead peasant could wield it competently.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:51 am@Chantelle: uh, the bank job is on dvd already, but funny thing is i just got done watching that movie, i would suggest seeing that because its a good one
August 7th, 2008 at 3:41 amTyallie,
Thanks for clarifying that for me. However, it’s still not going to motivate me to plunk down my hard earned cash to see this tripe.
I appreciate your insight.
August 7th, 2008 at 6:42 amGreat script, the unbelievability in this movie is so high you come out of the movie just going WTF just happened. The loom thing was the biggest bs in the movie personally.
@Chantelle: Mamma Mia, is fun, but Pierce Brosnan cannot sing so it is really funny and slightly painful to watch him try. I think I would go with the Dark Knight again, as I am actually planning on seeing it for the second time this friday myself.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:43 amThe script was okay, but Les? Your description of AK-47 misuse really cracked me up! Now THAT is funny! I don’t care WHO you are, that right there is FUNNY!
August 7th, 2008 at 7:50 amRegarding the bullet-flinging:
America, to an alarming extent, worships ignorance. That’s why intelligent design is ascendant, maybe, and that’s why the people are so intent on protecting their children’s innocence. And that’s why the totem for a league of superhuman assassins is a poorly-veiled Bible code.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:21 am@Chantelle: the movie is okay. It’s largely made for retarded people (in the same way that 300 was) but there are one or two good scenes, and the Spybreak Textile Run at the end is its one well-directed action sequence. Overall, it’s better than both Hancock and that damn X-Files movie.
For Friday, those are tough decisions. I’d actually suggest seeing Wall-E.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:45 amABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT SCRIPT, ROD!! LOVED The Dark Knight references! One of the best ever!!
August 7th, 2008 at 1:02 pmSo, having a heart attack = having superpowers?
August 7th, 2008 at 6:46 pmThat’s what I got from the movie.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:08 pmI wonder what amazing and whacky misadventures my loss of hearing in one ear will lead to.
Jumper:Dumper Juno:Boo-no (get it?) Live Free or Die Hard: Leave Free or Die Bored
August 8th, 2008 at 1:12 amMr. Hilton! Please don’t bash The Dark Knight in your next script. I beg of you. It will give me severe butt hurt!
August 8th, 2008 at 3:26 pmIt occurs to me that if you were ‘That Good’ that you could not only shoot bullets out of the air, but you could do so by flinging your arms in wide arcs while timing the pulling of the trigger so perfectly during that arc to accomplish the ’shoot the other bullet out of the air’.. you could just as easily calmly level your pistol, take aim using the conveniently provided aiming-sights atop the weapon, and take the majority of the contents within said weapon and deposit them entirely within your opponent’s face.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:22 pm@Ryan Ferneau:
One of the reasons why I’m considering renting Jumper, though seriously thinking of giving this movie a miss entirely.
Jumper: We can Teleport. Fucking Teleport! Any place on the globe, A topless Beach, the middle of a Bank Vault, your mother’s Bedroom! Anywhere! What you got sucka?
Wanted: Well, I can give myself heart-palpitations for no clear reason and shoot people while flailing my arms like a douche.
Jumper: Wow, way lame dude.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:26 pmThe whiny bitch in Wanted is 100x more tolerable than the whiny bitch in Jumper.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:30 pmMan, so much of what makes Rods scripts awesome were just combined in this one – references, audience comments, the quick joke like in the “License to Wed” one, pointing out the stupid ass plot holes, etc.
Only criticism I can add is that the little pop up bubble thing that comes off the picture when you mouse over it should say “Flaunted” and not “Taunted” – but that’s just me not trying to sound like a total kiss ass.
Also, I love reading these but a little voice in the back of my head always says “HEY! Don’t read this yet, you haven’t seen the movie!” – then you read it and think “Oh thank God that fate did not bring this movie in contact with me.”
I mean…shooting the wings off flies because of an increased heart rate?
August 9th, 2008 at 1:18 pm@EADM:
It’s better than shooting the wings off of flies because of flatulence, no?
August 9th, 2008 at 4:32 pm@bob:
Yes, but if they were going to go the “shlocky action movie” route, they should have been like “Shoot ‘Em Up” and used Carrots to improve eyesight! Then killing people with said carrot (optional).
August 9th, 2008 at 11:10 pmI want an abridged script for the dark knight right now! I don’t care how the fanboys react, I loved the movie but I keep checking this site for the script and can’t get it.
August 10th, 2008 at 10:50 amThanks for all the movie suggestions. About The Bank Job on DVD and Wall-E, cinemas in Perth suck arse so we only just got The Bank Job and I think Wall-E starts in a month or two.
We’re thinking of making it a weekly tradition now. But the guy who actually went and saw the Love Guru is not allowed to make suggestions.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:38 amAngelina Jolie is an ugly bitch. She plays the same character in every movie. Also, she’s a home-wrecker. She ruined a perfectly good relationship between Pitt and Aniston by being a spread-legged slut for Brad.
As for The Dark Knight; it may have been a good movie, but there is plenty of shit to make fun of. Two-Face speaking in perfectly clear English despite having his lips burnt off and not dying of infection in two hours? Cell-phone sonar? Or that clumsy car-chase-escort sequence with the driver constantly making terrible one liners and the chopper getting shot down with a crossbow? Did Rachael get plastic surgery? Bat-cycle anyone?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:05 pmAlso, what the hell is going on in the caption picture?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:07 pmThanks, Rod. This movie needed to be skewered and flushed down the nearest toilet. And this is the first time I’ve ever seen Angelina’s Lips and thought, no thank you. She’s starting to look a bit, uh, sinewy and gristly, I guess. It’s also the first time I walked out of a theater and wanted to track down the director and curve a bullet up his ass. Actually, I took his challenge constructively, as it inspired me to quit my sheep job and go make crappy movies.
August 11th, 2008 at 7:29 pm@Damon
Go rape a dog.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:24 amExcellent script Rod. Felt like old times again. Suit to turn your head was priceless!
@Hendrix…a whiny bitch raping a dog…lolz..dats a first
August 12th, 2008 at 12:56 pm@Jason: Great post. You should rape Cloverfield next.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:02 pm@Scorpster
Not for him it isn’t.
@Matt
Why, did Cloverfield whine about “The Dark Knight”?
August 13th, 2008 at 9:49 pmHey Damon
They didn’t shoot down a chopper with the crossbow. It was two harnesses fired from crossbows and the chopper got alll hung up on them.if you wanna make fun of it trying pointing out the fact how the joker even knew to put guys on that street.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:37 amThat’s okay, blackhammer, your bizarre use of verb tenses has provided us w/ample material for mocking until the DK script goes up. Cheers!
August 15th, 2008 at 5:38 amI can’t help but point out that the loom of fate does provide a middle and last name as well. Also, Wesley’s power is to slow things down basically. The heart thing was a bad explanation though.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:23 pm“Bullet Time” is cool….however explaining it in a way that makes sense in terms of time and space (i.e. the laws of physics) can be a little uphill…
So while WANTED tried to explain it in some way, i suppose it could’ve tried to find a beter alternative….ah heck who the hell looks for rational logic on summer pop corn flicks about killers who take their orders from a freakin LOOM rite?
August 16th, 2008 at 9:49 amOh. My. God.
Loom of Fate? When I saw the preview for this, I didn’t think it could get any more ridiculous, but there you have it.
Anyway, I wasn’t going to go see this in the first place, on principle. Angelina Jolie. Need I say more?
August 17th, 2008 at 4:32 amwhen the hell is that dark knight script gonna come??? I can’t wait for Rod to break that down (although I freaking loved the movie).
August 19th, 2008 at 1:51 pmI’m kinda sad that you all are like “I knew this movie was going to suck, and this confirms it!”
…
How does this confirm it? It’s a parody website. It’s much easier (and a lot funnier) to piss all over something than acknowledge its merits. Can you imagine if all of the scripts read like this?
[ACTOR] I’m going to deliver a solid performance with several hilarious one-liners!
[SIDEKICK ACTOR] I am a slightly less experienced actor who will make a valiant effort which the audience will appreciate but not be impressed with!
Nobody would be here. This movie could be the greatest piece of cinema ever (it isn’t) and the script would still mock it. I’m not defending its value, it’s not a “great” movie by any measure, but I AM saying that it was hella entertaining. What I don’t get, though, is why people are always “HAHA WHAT THE FUCK. LOOM OF FATE? WORST MOVIE EVER.” You get spoonfed more ridiculous bullshit on a daily basis, and yet now somehow it’s unacceptable. You also seem to be overlooking the fact that the bullets are curving, that guy jumps from one building to another, the car flipped over the other car, all manner of stuff. It’s not supposed to make sense.
August 19th, 2008 at 2:55 pmrod, i think you accidentally put this in the “other” section.
August 19th, 2008 at 8:17 pmJust to point out to all of you claiming that “ZOMG heart attacks as an explanation for bullet time is riciculous!!”, that there is actually evidence that high levels of adrenaline allow for a slowed down time perception.
http://sciencehack.com/videos/view/bG6nZY9Bxy0
Although this probably won’t allow you to shoot the wings off of flies, and your heart beating 400 times faster than normal would most likely kill you, as an explanation for bullet time it really isn’t that much more far fetched than, say, being able to re-write the code of a videogame while inside said videogame AKA The Matrix.
And YES, Morgan Freeman saying “motherfucker” was indeed the most entertaining part of the movie.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:32 am@Dopefish: You know, you’re right. I haven’t seen a single reference to shitty curving bullets in this forum. Or, like, you know, fifty of them? Thanks for the post, it was really… disjointed.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:37 amI don’t need no smart wife-killin banker to tell me where the bear shit in the buckwheat.
August 20th, 2008 at 2:16 pmMORGAN FREEMAN
>Let’s make this quick, I’ve got 20 minutes before I have to get back to the Dark Knight set.
>Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this? Shit, I’m still in this thing? Somebody shoot this motherfucker!
Priceless! Good Job. Can’t wait for Dark Night!
August 21st, 2008 at 1:31 pmAimee:
Ditto. Regarding The Dark Knight, that is.
Also, Rod: Just back from Hellboy II. Thoroughly enjoyed it. But you could give it a go, for there are a number of holes there. Come to think of it, Blade II, Hellboy and Pan’s Labyrinth weren’t attempted here, were they?
Like Christopher Nolan, Guillermo Del Toro and Pixar can seemingly do no wrong in the eyes of audiences and critics. I’d definitely be interested in seeing at least one of their films done on this site…
August 21st, 2008 at 3:05 pmSi:
It’s not right to do a Pixar movie because all cartoon movies are gonna have factual errors, and so on, in their movies. Rod having a go at a Pixar movie is like slapping a baby because it wouldn’t stop crying.
August 21st, 2008 at 7:40 pmXdudeX:
Good point. Maybe Pixar are best left alone after all. (Especially since I love Wall-E and Finding Nemo.)
But Del Toro’s films are still worth attempting.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 amI can’t wait to see Deathrace on here. the movie was BA, but I know it could be a good script as well
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:11 pm[...] Wanted: The more honest and much shorter version. (ER) 08.24.08 | Link [...]
August 24th, 2008 at 2:03 pmWanted took place in Chicago, not New York. Hence the Illinois plates, just like the Dark Knight. The best part about it was that unlike TDK, Wanted didn’t take itself seriously, instead of coming across as a pretentious piece of shit.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:48 pmI love how the one movie in which Morgan Freeman’s character isn’t incredible servile to a white man is also the only one in which he’s evil.
September 6th, 2008 at 11:45 pm>like slapping a baby because it won’t stop crying.
Slapping babies is badass.
@Doc
What was your problem with TDK? Not enough sound effect text whenever Batman punched someone?
September 7th, 2008 at 10:00 amI know it’s snarky and not literal, but there’s just something un-parseable reading the phrase ‘my naked ass’ coming from a pair of lips.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:47 pm@Jason Hendrix:
what movies has morgan freeman been incredibly servile to white men in? i can’t think of any, at least that i’ve seen.
in unforgiven, he was just a friend of clint eastwood’s who tagged along, in the shawshank redemption he wasn’t servile to white men, in the dark knight he only worked for batman, in deep impact he was the president, and in bruce almighty he was god.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:48 pmyeah, almost anything gets you a hit on google…
the other day i tried googling some nonsensical words I made up such as kajagoogoo, scritti politti and hmmm I forgot the third one, let’s just make one up now…
limahl
see? even that made up word gave me hits!…. what are the odds
September 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pmThere’s also the fact that your name will get hits that actually refer to you if you’ve ever: Signed on to a website with your real name, been mentioned online by someone else, are listed in the phone book, had a job with staff listing, etc.
About the more important flaws, the trailers gave me the impression that this movie started when someone stood up in a board meeting and said “Let’s attempt to rip off everything ever made.. at the same time”, and the movie left me with the same impression. As far as unique flaws, like the retarded video game super powers bullet time, well, the script did a good job of hitting them. And don’t tell me “It’s supposed to be stupid, it’s just entertainment, not serious” – it was so stupid I couldn’t possibly be entertained by it. At all.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pmWait, Morgan Freeman is Black?!
September 29th, 2008 at 3:57 pmGreat parody of the script …. couldn’t agree more about it being a wasted Fight Club
October 6th, 2008 at 3:11 amWanted was indeed shallow, adn pretty much a waste of time unless there was nothing else WATSOEVER to do. But, do NOT mess with The Matrix! The first one anyway.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:22 amMORGAN FREEMAN: Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this? Shit, I’m still in this thing? Somebody shoot this motherfucker!
HAHAHA. I finally saw TDK yesterday and this line makes perfect sense now. Awesome. Sameul L. Motherfucking Jackson would’ve been a better choice for this movie though.
December 24th, 2008 at 7:20 pm“Damon Says:
Also, what the hell is going on in the caption picture?”
She’s using a device that holds a pistol at a ninety degree angle to the shooter. It has a camera and display screen so you can fire from cover. This is a real device currently being integrated into Police and Military service. It’s kinda dumb to have someone who can shoot bullets around a curve anyway using one though…
January 4th, 2009 at 9:12 amReally? No one got the impression that everything in the movie was over the top and convoluted on purpose? The entire thing was like an affectionate parody of the entire action genre. It was supposed to be ridiculous. At no point does the film even remotely take itself seriously.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:01 pm“Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this?”
I died laughing.
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:31 amI somehow had the horrifically unfortunate pleasure of watching this movie four times in theaters, although each time for free.
The saddest part is that I didn’t realize how embarrassing it was until the 3rd time through. WEAVERS. REALLY.
April 4th, 2009 at 8:57 pmGreat script! You forgot to mention the uber-cheesy 360-degree shot that didn’t got its path altered after penetrating like 8 skulls pulled out by Angelina’s Lips at the climax scene.
The best thing about the movie was hearing Morgan Freeman say “motherfucker”.
April 8th, 2009 at 2:23 pm