FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE

JAMES MCAVOY adds numbers using EXCEL and whines incessantly in voiceover.

JAMES MCAVOY (V.O.)

Hi. My name is James McAvoy. I’m a boring loser who has a full-time job, which apparently is beneath me even though everyone else has to do it without being a whiny little bitch.

(pause)

Oh look, here comes my obnoxious, cuckolding best friend. He epitomizes the exact type of macho idiot that enjoys movies like this one, so the fact that he’s portrayed as an asshole is something of an embarrassing irony.

CHRIS PRATT

Hey man! I just drank Red Bull out of your girlfriend’s vagina, it was awesome! So what’s going on with you?

JAMES MCAVOY

Nothing much. I was just searching for my own name in Google and getting no results.

CHRIS PRATT

No results at all? Like not even for any of the other thousands of people with the same name as you? “Johnny McSkidmarks” gives me three hits, and I just made that up.

JAMES MCAVOY

Yeah, I’m like a black hole of failure. I sure hope that it turns out I’m actually the heir to an ancient society that needs me so that I can leave this well-paying, white-collar, air-conditioned office job that most people would kill to have.

For the rest of the movie, FIGHT CLUB happens, but with BULLETS.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE

JAMES purchases some anti-anxiety medication when suddenly he is approached by ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS.

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS

James, it just so happens that your father was a member of a secret organization, which we will now make you a part of, just as soon as we have a poorly directed gunfight with Thomas Kretschmann, the guy who killed your dad.

JAMES MCAVOY

I want nothing to do with any of this.

(pause)

I’m ready now, when do I start killing people?

They shoot GUNS and discharge STYLE. Various amounts of BRAIN are splattered all over the camera lens.

JAMES MCAVOY

Holy shit, this movie is gratuitously violent. Did someone just take the screenplay to a porno and replace the words “cock” with “gun” and “semen” with “blood”?

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS

Don’t be an idiot. There’s no way this movie had as much of a screenplay as your average porn.

They narrowly escape THOMAS KRETSCHMANN. ANGELIA JOLIE’S LIPS try to take JAMES to the SECRET SOCIETY HIDEOUT, but all of the studio’s sets are being used by better movies so they settle on an old TEXTILE MILL SET instead.

INT. TEXTILE MILL

JAMES meets MORGAN FREEMAN.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Let’s make this quick, I’ve got 20 minutes before I have to get back to the Dark Knight set.

JAMES MCAVOY

So, you’re a secret society of supervillians based on famous DC Comics rogues and you need me to help you in your nefarious plot to keep the world in a state of chaos and war?

MORGAN FREEMAN

What? No, you’re thinking of the comic book. We just kept the title and two character names from that best-selling piece of shit. We’re assassins that take lives in order to save thousands more.

JAMES MCAVOY

How do you decide who kill?

MORGAN FREEMAN

We have a Loom of Fate. It’s an actual Loom. And it encodes the names of our targets in binary when it stitches fabric. Seriously. This is actually in the movie.

JAMES MCAVOY

What the hell do you do when two people have the same name? And is every target in NY, or is that just luck?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Look, I gotta run. The deal is, you have the ability to accelerate your heart rate so that you can rape the laws of physics, curve bullets, jump 400 feet out of windows, flip cars, and even shoot the wings off of flies.

JAMES MCAVOY

Shoot the wings off of flies? Are action movies just running out of ways to outdo each other? Where else is there to go after shooting the wings off of flies? What’s the next preposterous action movie going to have, people shooting bullets into each other’s bullets?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Hey, good idea! You can do that with the heart rate thing too.

JAMES MCAVOY

Christ, at least Neo’s excuse was that he was inside the Matrix.

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS

We’re now going to train you to be an assassin by treating you like shit and beating the living snot out of you for no clear reason.

She DOES. Once the SECRET SOCIETY finishes beating JAMES within an inch of his life, he realizes they are his TRUE FRIENDS. They go ASSASSINATE random PEOPLE using SPECIAL EFFECTS.

JAMES MCAVOY

Cool! My increased heart rate has let me travel back in time to 1999 when stylized slow motion gunfights could pass for entertainment!

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS

The Loom of Fate says it’s time for you to kill Thomas Kretschmann.

JAMES MCAVOY

Alright! Did I get any advice on ideal murder weapons from the Scarf of Doom?

ANGELINA and JAMES travel to find THOMAS on a TRAIN. They BATTLE and eventually JAMES shoots THOMAS.

THOMAS KRETSCHMANN

Everything they told you was a lie. I’m your father.

JAMES MCAVOY

Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that like a billion scenes ago?

THOMAS KRETSCHMANN

Because I only got paid for two speaking lines. Urk!

(dies)

JAMES travels back to the TEXTILE MILL to confront MORGAN FREEMAN.

JAMES MCAVOY

Thomas Darth Vadered me. Is he really my father?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this? Shit, I’m still in this thing? Somebody shoot this motherfucker!

JAMES MCAVOY

How sad is it that the most entertaining part of this movie is hearing wise old grandpa Morgan Freeman say the word ‘fuck’?

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS

Hey, don’t forget about me showing my naked ass gratuitously.

They have a SHOOTOUT but MORGAN doesn’t die, so they have another SHOOTOUT where he DOES.

JAMES MCAVOY (V.O.)

…and that’s the story of how I brutally slaughtered a shitload of people, which prevented me from being a pussy like you. What the fuck have you done lately?

AUDIENCE

Um, you mean besides wasting 8 bucks watching Fight Club and The Matrix have a miscarriage together? Nothing, I guess.

END