The Abridged Script
EXT. A HIGHWAY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO TRAFFIC AT ALL
Convicted MURDERER and CAR THIEF VIN DIESEL is being transported to jail via PRISON BUS. PAUL WALKER and JORDANA BREWSTER arrive in CARS to rescue him.
Okay, so how are we going to get Vin off of that bus safely?
By crashing it!
PAUL CRASHES into the BUS and it flips over 17 TIMES and BURST INTO FLAMES.
Holy crap! We just killed Vin!
(climbing out of wreckage)
I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!
Wait, how the fuck are you not dead? Did you see that crash? No one just walks away from that!
Actually the news will report that not a single person was killed in that crash because fuck physics.
Great, only three minutes in and already we're raping the audience's suspension of disbelief.
VIN, PAUL and JORDANA use CARS to drive to their HIDEOUT which is hidden underneath a mountain of POOR PEOPLE.
Then VIN and his team go help MICHAEL IRBY steal some CARS off of a TRAIN, which is not a CAR.
I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!
But MICHAEL reveals himself to be EVIL and SHOOTS some DEA AGENTS. Then VIN and PAUL drive off of a cliff and FALL 500 FEET to THEIR DEATHS.
Just kidding. They SURVIVE with no injuries whatsoever because, seriously, FUCK PHYSICS.
VIN and PAUL are captured by Drug Lord JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA.
JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA
Vin, your sister stole a car from me with a special McGuffin Chip in it and I want it back.
Why was the chip in the car anyway? Do they not have the Internet or USB storage devices in Rio?
JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA
Look, if you're going to start questioning the plot this early then I'm out of here.
JOAQUIN leaves. VIN breaks through his handcuffs with his STRENGTH because handcuffs were not designed with VIN DIESEL in mind. He and PAUL escape.
AGENT THE ROCK is brought into the FRANCHISE to bring VIN and PAUL in. He wears a shirt that is TWO SIZES TOO SMALL for him and shows off his MUSCLES which can be seen from SPACE.
Wait, I have a gun? You mean I actually get to shoot people and get into fights instead of wearing fairy wings? WHOO-HOO!
RIO COP ELSA PATAKY appears.
Hey you, Short Round. I want you on my team.
Why? Because my husband was killed, which means I will be a dedicated agent?
No, because you're effing HAWT! Now let's go kill some people.
INT. VIN AND PAUL'S HIDEOUT
THE ROCK and his men raid the joint.
I LIVE FOR THIS SHI-- aw fuck! The Rock is here!
VIN runs. THE ROCK chases him, but he stops to BREAK THE NECKS of some GANG MEMBERS because DUE PROCESS is OVERRATED.
VIN bumps into ELSA.
Hey sweet thang. I need a love interest, and I kinda have a fetish for turning good cops into criminals, so I was thinking maybe I'd break into your house a little later and seduce you with my Vin Diesel-ness. Say around eight-ish?
It's a date.
VIN escapes and meets up with PAUL and JORDANA.
Then maybe you should eat something for a change.
What? And ruin my crack-addict figure? Screw that.
I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Hey Vin, what do you remember about your dad?
He took me to church every Sunday, made barbecue for the entire neighborhood, and made sure Jordana did her homework. He was a great guy.
Really? Then how did you end up becoming a car thief and murderer?
(changing the subject)
Let's use the information on the McGuffin Chip to rip Joaquin off for $100 million dollars. But to do that we'll need to assemble a team of international criminals with unique skills.
So we're blatantly ripping off of "Ocean's 11" then?
You know it!
VIN and PAUL gather a bunch of FORGETTABLE ACTORS from the past FAST & FURIOUS films. This includes LUDACRIS and TYRESE GIBSON.
So which one of us rappers turned "actors" is playing the annoying Comic Relief?
We both are.
Aw hell naw!
We can't carry out my plan without FAST & FURIOUS cars. So let's go challenge people to some street races and win their cars!
STREET RACING FANS
Great! They're referencing the original movie by having a street race!
THE RACE happens OFF SCREEN.
STREET RACING FANS
Joaquim is holding all of his millions inside a bank vault with super duper top quality security, so that means it has an easily fakeable handprint scanner.
Sung Kang and Gal Gadot have been pretty useless so far so this'll give them something to do!
GAL GADOT wears a SEXY BIKINI that makes her body look distractingly UNSEXY. JOAQUIM is clearly seen touching her ASS with his LEFT HAND.
Yes! We got Joaquim's hand print!
But we needed the print of his RIGHT hand.
DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN
Don't worry, we'll reverse the shot or some shit like that and fix it in Post Production.
But THEY DON'T.
Meanwhile, VIN and his team spend 20 MOVIE MINUTES trying to drive FAST & FURIOUS enough to avoid some POLICE CAMERAS.
New plan! Let's just steal some police cars instead!
So all that time we just spent getting fast cars and driving them in circles was just one big waste of time?
We're here to sell cars, Paul, not to perform fucking Shakespeare.
VIN and his team are about to pull off THE HEIST but THE ROCK arrives to ROCK BLOCK and they FIGHT!
DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN
Maybe if I film this scene in extreme close-up no one will notice that The Rock is four times bigger than Vin is.
ROCK beats SCISSORS but VIN's TOP BILLING covers ROCK so VIN WINS.
You know what I'm about to say, don't you?
"I live for this shit--"
HELL YEAH I DO! WHOO-RAH!
THE ROCK is transporting VIN, PAUL and JORDANA to jail when they are AMBUSHED by MICHAEL IRBY. But they use CARS to get away.
Vin, you rescued me so I will ignore my duty to bring in you, a known criminal and murderer, and instead bring down Joaquim de Almeida, a completely different criminal and murderer.
Excellent. But don't you think you guys should, I don't know, wear some masks? Or at least change out of your police clothes before you help us kill a bunch of cops and steal $100 million dollars in drug money?
Nah, we're good.
VIN and PAUL use CARS to pull a 10 TON BANK VAULT through the streets of RIO with cords that NEVER TANGLE because THE LAWS OF PHYSICS can GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
It's a good thing these streets are conveniently empty or else our plan would be screwed.
You guys have every crooked cop in Rio chasing you!
But how do we know for sure they're all crooked? What if some of them are innocent cops who are just doing their jobs?
Then I guess those guys are fucked!
VIN and PAUL MURDER a SHIT LOAD of people using CARS. Then they use the 10 TON VAULT as a wrecking ball and demolish a BANK full of INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.
Nuh-uh! We did not just kill a bunch of innocent people! I swear bro!
But THEY DID. They TOTALLY DID. This ACTUALLY HAPPENS. JORDANA even LAUGHS about it because she is a HORRIBLE PERSON.
VIN and PAUL are cornered so VIN cuts PAUL's car loose and pulls the 10 TON VAULT all by HIMSELF because MOTHERFUCK YOU, PHYSICS!
THE LAWS OF PHYSICS
That is it! I refuse to sit here and be insulted like this any longer!
VIN uses the 10 TON VAULT to totally kill THE SHIT out of a bunch of crooked(?) cops and throws his CAR at JOAQUIM. THE ROCK arrives and SHOOTS JOAQUIM because POLICE BRUTALITY is legal in RIO.
I'll be taking your bank vault full of cash now.
Or maybe we secretly switched the vault with an identical vault during the chase. Because you can just buy a 10 ton bank vault without a credit check or anything.
No way did that happen. That would be super retarded.
But THAT DID HAPPENED, and IT SO IS.
VIN and his team open the VAULT at their new HIDEOUT and are instantly knee deep in COKE and BITCHES.
We did it! And all we had to do was brutally murder a bunch of cops and unlucky bystanders! Totally worth it!
TYRESE spends his share of the money on DUMB SHIT because he is a RAPPER and is prone to buying DUMB SHIT. LUDACRIS opens an AUTOSHOP even though he is a WANTED CRIMINAL and would be ARRESTED.
And SUNG hooks up with GAL because for once the ASIAN GUY is finally going to get LAID.
THE ROCK, who is NOT in jail and is STILL a cop despite his openly AIDING AND ABETTING known COP KILLERS, is visited by fellow cop EVA MENDES.
Hey everybody! Remember me? I'm still breathing! And acting! Oh, and Michelle Rodriguez's character is still alive! But how, you ask? Find out next time in "Fast Six: The Search for More Money"!
Chris W. has been an author at The Editing Room for 4 years. You can support Chris W. and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Professional Movie Watcher extraordinaire.