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Fast Five

FAST FIVE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A HIGHWAY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO TRAFFIC AT ALL

Convicted MURDERER and CAR THIEF VIN DIESEL is being transported to jail via PRISON BUS. PAUL WALKER and JORDANA BREWSTER arrive in CARS to rescue him.

JORDANA BREWSTER

Okay, so how are we going to get Vin off of that bus safely?

PAUL WALKER

By crashing it!

PAUL CRASHES into the BUS and it flips over 17 TIMES and BURST INTO FLAMES.

JORDANA BREWSTER

Holy crap! We just killed Vin!

VIN DIESEL

(climbing out of wreckage)

I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!

JORDANA BREWSTER

Wait, how the fuck are you not dead? Did you see that crash? No one just walks away from that!

PAUL WALKER

Actually the news will report that not a single person was killed in that crash because fuck physics.

JORDANA BREWSTER

Great, only three minutes in and already we're raping the audience's suspension of disbelief.

EXT. RIO

VIN, PAUL and JORDANA use CARS to drive to their HIDEOUT which is hidden underneath a mountain of POOR PEOPLE.

Then VIN and his team go help MICHAEL IRBY steal some CARS off of a TRAIN, which is not a CAR.

VIN DIESEL

I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!

But MICHAEL reveals himself to be EVIL and SHOOTS some DEA AGENTS. Then VIN and PAUL drive off of a cliff and FALL 500 FEET to THEIR DEATHS.

Just kidding. They SURVIVE with no injuries whatsoever because, seriously, FUCK PHYSICS.

VIN and PAUL are captured by Drug Lord JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA.

JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA

Vin, your sister stole a car from me with a special McGuffin Chip in it and I want it back.

PAUL WALKER

Why was the chip in the car anyway? Do they not have the Internet or USB storage devices in Rio?

JOAQUIM DE ALMEIDA

Look, if you're going to start questioning the plot this early then I'm out of here.

JOAQUIN leaves. VIN breaks through his handcuffs with his STRENGTH because handcuffs were not designed with VIN DIESEL in mind. He and PAUL escape.

EXT. AIRSTRIP

AGENT THE ROCK is brought into the FRANCHISE to bring VIN and PAUL in. He wears a shirt that is TWO SIZES TOO SMALL for him and shows off his MUSCLES which can be seen from SPACE.

THE ROCK

Wait, I have a gun? You mean I actually get to shoot people and get into fights instead of wearing fairy wings? WHOO-HOO!

RIO COP ELSA PATAKY appears.

THE ROCK

Hey you, Short Round. I want you on my team.

ELSA PATAKY

Why? Because my husband was killed, which means I will be a dedicated agent?

THE ROCK

No, because you're effing HAWT! Now let's go kill some people.

INT. VIN AND PAUL'S HIDEOUT

THE ROCK and his men raid the joint.

VIN DIESEL

I LIVE FOR THIS SHI-- aw fuck! The Rock is here!

VIN runs. THE ROCK chases him, but he stops to BREAK THE NECKS of some GANG MEMBERS because DUE PROCESS is OVERRATED.

VIN bumps into ELSA.

VIN DIESEL

Hey sweet thang. I need a love interest, and I kinda have a fetish for turning good cops into criminals, so I was thinking maybe I'd break into your house a little later and seduce you with my Vin Diesel-ness. Say around eight-ish?

ELSA PATAKY

It's a date.

VIN escapes and meets up with PAUL and JORDANA.

JORDANA BREWSTER

I'm pregnant.

PAUL WALKER

Then maybe you should eat something for a change.

JORDANA BREWSTER

What? And ruin my crack-addict figure? Screw that.

PAUL WALKER

I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Hey Vin, what do you remember about your dad?

VIN DIESEL

He took me to church every Sunday, made barbecue for the entire neighborhood, and made sure Jordana did her homework. He was a great guy.

PAUL WALKER

Really? Then how did you end up becoming a car thief and murderer?

VIN DIESEL

(changing the subject)

Let's use the information on the McGuffin Chip to rip Joaquin off for $100 million dollars. But to do that we'll need to assemble a team of international criminals with unique skills.

PAUL WALKER

So we're blatantly ripping off of "Ocean's 11" then?

VIN DIESEL

You know it!

VIN and PAUL gather a bunch of FORGETTABLE ACTORS from the past FAST & FURIOUS films. This includes LUDACRIS and TYRESE GIBSON.

LUDACRIS

So which one of us rappers turned "actors" is playing the annoying Comic Relief?

TYRESE GIBSON

We both are.

LUDACRIS

Aw hell naw!

VIN DIESEL

We can't carry out my plan without FAST & FURIOUS cars. So let's go challenge people to some street races and win their cars!

STREET RACING FANS

Great! They're referencing the original movie by having a street race!

THE RACE happens OFF SCREEN.

STREET RACING FANS

Hey!

LUDACRIS

Joaquim is holding all of his millions inside a bank vault with super duper top quality security, so that means it has an easily fakeable handprint scanner.

VIN DIESEL

Sung Kang and Gal Gadot have been pretty useless so far so this'll give them something to do!

GAL GADOT wears a SEXY BIKINI that makes her body look distractingly UNSEXY. JOAQUIM is clearly seen touching her ASS with his LEFT HAND.

SUNG KANG

Yes! We got Joaquim's hand print!

LUDACRIS

But we needed the print of his RIGHT hand.

DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN

Don't worry, we'll reverse the shot or some shit like that and fix it in Post Production.

But THEY DON'T.

Meanwhile, VIN and his team spend 20 MOVIE MINUTES trying to drive FAST & FURIOUS enough to avoid some POLICE CAMERAS.

VIN DIESEL

New plan! Let's just steal some police cars instead!

PAUL WALKER

So all that time we just spent getting fast cars and driving them in circles was just one big waste of time?

VIN DIESEL

We're here to sell cars, Paul, not to perform fucking Shakespeare.

VIN and his team are about to pull off THE HEIST but THE ROCK arrives to ROCK BLOCK and they FIGHT!

DIRECTOR JUSTIN LIN

Maybe if I film this scene in extreme close-up no one will notice that The Rock is four times bigger than Vin is.

ROCK beats SCISSORS but VIN's TOP BILLING covers ROCK so VIN WINS.

VIN DIESEL

You know what I'm about to say, don't you?

THE ROCK

(rolling eyes)

"I live for this shit--"

VIN DIESEL

HELL YEAH I DO! WHOO-RAH!

EXT. RIO

THE ROCK is transporting VIN, PAUL and JORDANA to jail when they are AMBUSHED by MICHAEL IRBY. But they use CARS to get away.

THE ROCK

Vin, you rescued me so I will ignore my duty to bring in you, a known criminal and murderer, and instead bring down Joaquim de Almeida, a completely different criminal and murderer.

ELSA PATAKY

Me too!

VIN DIESEL

Excellent. But don't you think you guys should, I don't know, wear some masks? Or at least change out of your police clothes before you help us kill a bunch of cops and steal $100 million dollars in drug money?

THE ROCK

Nah, we're good.

THIS HAPPENS.

VIN and PAUL use CARS to pull a 10 TON BANK VAULT through the streets of RIO with cords that NEVER TANGLE because THE LAWS OF PHYSICS can GO FUCK THEMSELVES.

VIN DIESEL

It's a good thing these streets are conveniently empty or else our plan would be screwed.

JORDANA BREWSTER

You guys have every crooked cop in Rio chasing you!

PAUL WALKER

But how do we know for sure they're all crooked? What if some of them are innocent cops who are just doing their jobs?

VIN DIESEL

Then I guess those guys are fucked!

VIN and PAUL MURDER a SHIT LOAD of people using CARS. Then they use the 10 TON VAULT as a wrecking ball and demolish a BANK full of INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.

PAUL WALKER

Nuh-uh! We did not just kill a bunch of innocent people! I swear bro!

But THEY DID. They TOTALLY DID. This ACTUALLY HAPPENS. JORDANA even LAUGHS about it because she is a HORRIBLE PERSON.

VIN and PAUL are cornered so VIN cuts PAUL's car loose and pulls the 10 TON VAULT all by HIMSELF because MOTHERFUCK YOU, PHYSICS!

THE LAWS OF PHYSICS

That is it! I refuse to sit here and be insulted like this any longer!

(leaves)

VIN uses the 10 TON VAULT to totally kill THE SHIT out of a bunch of crooked(?) cops and throws his CAR at JOAQUIM. THE ROCK arrives and SHOOTS JOAQUIM because POLICE BRUTALITY is legal in RIO.

THE ROCK

I'll be taking your bank vault full of cash now.

VIN DIESEL

Or maybe we secretly switched the vault with an identical vault during the chase. Because you can just buy a 10 ton bank vault without a credit check or anything.

THE ROCK

No way did that happen. That would be super retarded.

But THAT DID HAPPENED, and IT SO IS.

VIN and his team open the VAULT at their new HIDEOUT and are instantly knee deep in COKE and BITCHES.

VIN DIESEL

We did it! And all we had to do was brutally murder a bunch of cops and unlucky bystanders! Totally worth it!

TYRESE spends his share of the money on DUMB SHIT because he is a RAPPER and is prone to buying DUMB SHIT. LUDACRIS opens an AUTOSHOP even though he is a WANTED CRIMINAL and would be ARRESTED.

And SUNG hooks up with GAL because for once the ASIAN GUY is finally going to get LAID.

Meanwhile...

INT. AMERICA

THE ROCK, who is NOT in jail and is STILL a cop despite his openly AIDING AND ABETTING known COP KILLERS, is visited by fellow cop EVA MENDES.

EVA MENDES

(waving)

Hey everybody! Remember me? I'm still breathing! And acting! Oh, and Michelle Rodriguez's character is still alive! But how, you ask? Find out next time in "Fast Six: The Search for More Money"!

END