"Attack of the Clones" was even worse than people remember.


"Attack of the Clones" was even worse than people remember.

JOHN CARTER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. RED PLANET (THE PLACE DISNEY DARES NOT SPEAK ITS NAME)

HUMANS with really awful SPRAY-ON TANS ride around on ridiculous AIR SHIPS which appear to be designed by TOY MANUFACTURERS instead of actual AEROSPACE ENGINEERS.

Bad Guy DOMINIC WEST's ship is being ATTACKED. It's boarded and a big SWORD FIGHT ensues, because even though the AIR SHIPS have GUNS no one thought making a smaller hand-held version would be a SMART THING TO DO.

DOMINIC WEST

Damn! I'm getting my ass kicked! If only a bald blue Englishman would rescue me!

BLUE HUMAN-LOOKING ALIENS led by MARK STRONG appear and save DOMINIC.

DOMINIC WEST

Holy shit, I was just thinking out loud. I didn't mean it literally.

MARK STRONG

Well since we're here we might as well give you this vintage MegaMan gun that can blow up anything.

DOMINIC WEST

Even though you just saved me and gave me this cool weapon, I think I'll use it TO KILL YOU WITH!

(tries to shoot MARK, fails)

MARK STRONG

Blue MegaMan energy doesn't work on us, idiot.

DOMINIC WEST

Oh. Well I guess you're going to kill me for trying to betray you, huh?

MARK STRONG

Nah. What's a little attempted murder amongst friends? Now you're going to use the MegaMan gun to take over Ciarán Hinds' kingdom.

DOMINIC WEST

Why do you need me to do that when you clearly have the power to do it yourself? And what exactly are you getting out of all of this?

MARK STRONG

Shut up and do what I tell you.

DOMINIC WEST

Okay.

EXT. ARIZONA TERRITORY - EARTH - 1868

After a CONFUSING FLASHFORWARD, we are introduced to Ex-Confederate Officer TAYLOR KITSCH who has been arrested by COLONEL BRYAN CRANSTON.

BRYAN CRANSTON

Taylor, you were once a great soldier and we want you to join up again.

TAYLOR KITSCH

NEVER!

(tries to escape, fails)

BRYAN CRANSTON

Seriously, you are a smart and noble man. Please fight for your country again.

TAYLOR KITSCH

NEVER!

(tries to escape again, fails again)

BRYAN CRANSTON

I mean it Taylor, now I'll ask you one last time--

TAYLOR KITSCH

NEVER!

(headbutts BRYAN while failing to escape again)

BRYAN CRANSTON

Well screw you, Taylor! I'm throwing you in a cell with one inept guard while I go fix my hairpiece.

(pause)

$250 million dollars and they couldn't even get me a decent wig? Cheap asses.

TAYLOR distracts the ONE INEPT GUARD with HIS PENIS and hides in a CAVE where he is attacked by a BLUE HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN and shoots it with BULLETS.

BLUE HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN

Blast! If only 19th Century weapons were made out of MegaMan energy!

(dies)

TAYLOR sees a MAGICAL AMULET on the alien's dead corpse.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Oooh! Shiny!

(steals AMULET, is transported to Red Planet)

EXT. RED PLANET (THE PLACE DISNEY DARES NOT SPEAK ITS NAME)

TAYLOR wakes up in the DESERT and discovers he can BUNNY HOP really far in a sequences that is not at all as SILLY as it SOUNDS.

Actually, on second thought, it's EXACTLY as SILLY AS IT SOUNDS. Perhaps EVEN MORE SO in 3D.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Ha! I guess white men CAN jump!

TAYLOR soon encounters GREEN FOUR-ARMED CGI WILLEM DAFOE.

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

Greetings Geico caveman. Even though you look like a less-tanned version of the red-skinned humans I don't like, I will spare your life and take you back to my tribe.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Great. Is there food there? I'm starving.

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

There is no eating on this planet.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Shit.

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

There are no toilets for that, either. Just try to hold it in.

INT. CIARÁN HINDS' KINGDOM

KING CIARÁN HINDS meets with his daughter PRINCESS LYNN COLLINS.

CIARÁN HINDS

Dominic West is royally assfucking my army with his magical MegaMan gun. He says he'll stop if you agree to marry him.

LYNN COLLINS

But I am a feisty independent woman who is also a scientist and who is also a professional sword fighter! Which means I don't marry any man unless he rescues me first!

CIARÁN HINDS

Our enemy says he'll stop killing our people if you marry him and you're resisting? Some noble princess you are.

EXT. GREEN FOUR-ARMED ALIEN TERRITORY

CGI WILLEM brings TAYLOR back to his tribe to show off his new PET.

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

Jump!

TAYLOR KITSCH

Fuck you!

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

I SAID JUMP!

TAYLOR KITSCH

AND I SAID FUCK YOU!

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

Are you going to be a stubborn dick throughout this entire movie?

TAYLOR KITSCH

Pretty much.

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

Bad caveman! Just for that I will throw you in a prison hole.

(pause)

You're just going to use your jumping powers to escape, aren't you?

TAYLOR KITSCH

Great, you just spoiled 75% of the movie for the audience.

TAYLOR POWER JUMPS out of the hole, but not before GREEN FOUR-ARMED CGI SAMANTHA MORTON gives him a ROSETTA STONE ENERGY DRINK which allows him to understand ALIEN SPEAK.

CGI SAMANTHA MORTON

I am Willem's disgraced daughter, though I don't know it yet. Here, have this adorable alien dog.

(pause)

Did I say adorable? I meant disturbingly ugly and creepy as hell alien dog.

In the sky overhead LYNN's AIR SHIP is being chased by DOMINIC's AIR SHIP. LYNN is about to fall to her death.

LYNN COLLINS

Help me Taylor Kitsch! You're my only hope!

TAYLOR KITSCH

She's a human! I must save her!

CGI WILLEM DAFOE

Because if she were just another ugly alien you'd let her die, right?

TAYLOR KITSCH

Pretty much.

TAYLOR uses his GRASSHOPPER POWERS to rescue LYNN while CGI WILLEM's TRIBE damages DOMINIC's AIR SHIP with MUSKETS.

DOMINIC WEST

Waitwaitwait, the green aliens have RIFLES?! We could have really used those during that opening sword fight scene! And why am I not using my MegaMan gun to kill these green aliens?

MARK STRONG

Because I told you not to.

DOMINIC WEST

Why?!

MARK STRONG

Because we are both extremely incompetent villains.

DOMINIC WEST

Oh right. That.

LYNN ogles TAYLOR's MAN BREASTS but is totally coy and laid back about it.

TAYLOR KITSCH

It's an honor to meet you Ms. Lilly.

LYNN COLLINS

That's not me. I'm not her.

TAYLOR KITSCH

You're not Evangeline Lilly?

LYNN COLLINS

No Taylor! Don't you remember? We were in "Wolverine" together!

TAYLOR KITSCH

Holy shit, you mean that wasn't Evangeline Lilly EITHER?! What planet am I on?!

LYNN COLLINS

You're on Mar--

DISNEY

Don't! Don't you dare say that word!

LYNN COLLINS

Alright alright. Taylor, you're on the fourth planet from the sun.

TAYLOR KITSCH

I am? Then how can I breathe? And shouldn't it be really cold here? Why am I not freezing my man titties off?

LYNN COLLINS

When the book to this movie was written they didn't know about that stuff.

TAYLOR KITSCH

They also didn't know anything about women scientists who are also good with swords, but here you are.

LYNN COLLINS

Take me back to my dad's kingdom and I'll tell you how to make your magical amulet send you back to Earth.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Even though I come from a time where women were seen as nothing more than live-in maids and time-shares for babies, I will put my faith in you.

TAYLOR and LYNN are on their way to CIARÁN's KINGDOM when MARK STRONG uses his SHAPE-SHIFTING POWERS to trick an army of COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GREEN FOUR-ARMED ALIENS into attacking TAYLOR.

LYNN COLLINS

Taylor, now would be a good time for you to hop us out of here!

TAYLOR KITSCH

Or I could just slaughter the shit out of these green aliens who look just like the other green aliens I will try to save later.

LYNN COLLINS

But there's hundreds of them! Only a total jackass would try to take them all on!

TAYLOR KITSCH

I am that jackass!

TAYLOR slaughters THE EVER FUCKING SHIT out of the NEW GREEN ALIENS by JUMPING AROUND and WAVING HIS SWORD in RANDOM DIRECTIONS. Somehow, this WORKS.

NEW GREEN ALIENS

WHY DON'T WE HAVE GUNS LIKE THE OTHER GREEN ALIENS?!

(dies)

CIARÁN HINDS shows up in AIR SHIP ONE and lands.

LYNN COLLINS

Hey dad! Did you beat Dominic?

CIARÁN HINDS

If by "beat" you mean "agreed to pimp you out to him in order to save my kingdom", then yeah, I totally beat the hell out of him sweetheart.

LYNN COLLINS

(groans)

INT. CIARÁN HINDS' KINGDOM

TAYLOR tries to stop LYNN from going through with the marriage but he is stopped by MARK STRONG who uses his iBRACELET® to control TAYLOR.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Who are you, bald blue Englishman?

MARK STRONG

"Please tell me your evil plan in intimate detail instead of just killing me"? I thought you'd never ask! See, my blue race likes to control how a planet is destroyed. Once Lynn and Dominic are married we're going to kill everybody.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Wow! That's an ingenious... ly stupid plan.

MARK STRONG

No it is not! It is an AWESOME plan! Don't make fun of it!

TAYLOR KITSCH

What exactly is the goal of your plan? You have the power to kill everyone RIGHT NOW, but you want to wait until a couple of nobodies get married first? Why?

MARK STRONG

Well... you see... because FUCK YOU TAYLOR! THAT'S WHY! It's just too bad there's nobody around to stop me. Wink wink.

(pause)

Wink wink.

(clears throat)

WINK WINK!

TAYLOR KITSCH

Wait you don't mean me do you?

The UGLY ALIEN DOG shows up and damages MARK's iBRACELET® and frees TAYLOR, who hops on an AIR BIKE that looks absolutely nothing like an IMPERIAL SPEEDER BIKE with insect wings GLUED ON.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Curses! I have no idea how to operate this mechanical horse! My goose is surely cooked!

But TAYLOR simply pulls a few levers and easily flies the AIR BIKE to safety, because FLYING LESSONS are for PUSSIES.

TAYLOR flies back to CGI WILLEM's TRIBE to discover he has been overthrown by his rival, GREEN FOUR-ARMED CGI THOMAS HADEN CHURCH!

CGI THOMAS HADEN CHURCH

Now I will put Taylor, Willem, and Samantha in a ring with two giant mutant walruses and have them fight to the death! Rahaha!

TAYLOR KITSCH

(bored)

Really? You do realize I just slaughtered a billion green aliens 10 minutes ago, right? Everybody knows I'm just going to jump around and kill the walruses. There's no tension here. This entire scene is just filler to an already bloated CGI fest. Why even keep it in?

DISNEY

Because we spent $126 million dollars just on this one scene! Plus tax!

WALT'S CORPSE drills a hole to CHINA.

TAYLOR kills the WALRUSES. CGI THOMAS is so embarrassed he throws his neck on to TAYLOR's SWORD and kills himself.

TAYLOR KITSCH

(to all the green four-armed aliens)

I need an army to go save Lynn. Now who's with me?!

GREEN FOUR-ARMED ALIENS

Dude, we don't even know you! And we hate Lynn's people! We're not helping you!

(pause)

Okay we'll help you.

INT. CIARÁN HINDS' KINGDOM

LYNN is about to marry DOMINIC until TAYLOR and his ARMY of CGI ALIENS barges in and a lot of ACTION SHIT happens. TAYLOR saves LYNN and MARK kills DOMINIC, but MARK escapes before TAYLOR can kill him.

LYNN COLLINS

Thank you, Taylor. What would the universe be without scruffy American males to save it? Now if you want to go back to Earth I know how to make the magical amulet transport you there.

TAYLOR KITSCH

Or I could just stay here and marry you, thus making me the ruler of this entire planet.

THIS HAPPENS.

TAYLOR KITSCH

(throwing away magical AMULET)

Well then I guess I won't be needing this anymore.

MARK STRONG

(appearing)

Haha! Now I can banish you to Earth! Instead of just killing you! Haha!

TAYLOR KITSCH

(being transported back to Earth)

NOOOOOOOOO!!! THE MOVIE SHOULD HAVE ENDED WITH ME THROWING AWAY THE AMULET!!! LAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!

EXT. EARTH - 1881

TAYLOR spends several years looking for another MAGICAL AMULET to transport him back to the RED PLANET, but instead decides to FAKE HIS DEATH in a convoluted plan to lure a BLUE HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN to his tomb.

Somehow this ACTUALLY WORKS and TAYLOR shoots the BLUE HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN.

BLUE HUMAN-LOOKING ALIEN

(dying)

My race can travel to other planets and shape-shift and make MegaMan guns, but not bulletproof vests?!

(dies)

TAYLOR loots the MAGICAL AMULET from the alien's dead corpse.

TAYLOR KITSCH

(using AMULET to go back to the RED PLANET)

I am no longer Taylor Kitsch of Earth. I am now Taylor Kitsch of MARS!!!

DISNEY

Agh! You dirty little bastard! You said it! You said the M word! Thanks a lot dick face! Now the movie's going to flop for sure!

IT DOES. But mostly because DISNEY'S MARKETING DEPARTMENT is run by FUCKING MORONS.

END

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