The Abridged Script
AMANDA SEYFRIED is mailing letters while shrouded in SPARKLY MYSTERY.
I have a dream, that I'll be the only person in this movie with any singing ability at all, thereby making me seem completely out of place.
QUICK CUT TO:
EXTS. STOCKHOLM, LONDON, NEW YORK
STELLAN SKARSGARD, COLIN FIRTH and PIERCE BROSNAN get ready to go places while the opening bars of "Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)" play louder than is necessary. Michael Bay writes down the sound mixer's phone number.
INT. MAMMA MIA TITLE CARD
Glitter explodes, the audience is blinded.
AMANDA SEYFRIED and BRITISH FRIEND and SCOTTISH FRIEND scream like sorority girls and then do some chant that would embarass the cast of St. Elmo's Fire. The audience is now deaf too.
I have a secret to tell you guys, and it isn't that I spend the entire movie smiling like a lobotomy patient. I found my mom's diary from when she had me and read it and discovered that my mom boned three guys in one week and one of them is probably my dad!
Wow, your mom's a whore.
Anyway, so I wrote them all letters and invited them to my wedding so my father can give me away!
There's a lot wrong with this whole premise.
And a nice slap in the face to the single mother who raised you.
Anyway, let's sing!
Honey, honey, mom's a hooker...
MERYL STREEP wanders in and acts drunk for the first twenty minutes for no apparent reason.
Heyyyyyyyy bridesmaidsh! *hic* What the hell was I thinking doing this?
If I smile any harder, I'll pull something.
CHRISTINE BARANSKI and JULIE WALTERS ride on a pontoon with goats and chickens and monkfish and old people.
DIRECTOR PHYLLIDA LLOYD
Greeks are so quaint and wacky!
Didn't I already do this?
Okay once and for all, will someone tell me: am I a woman or a drag queen? This has really gone on long enough.
Dance, Billy! Dance!
They are picked up by MERYL and TALENTED AND ACCLAIMED PERFORMERS humiliate themselves and proceed to dance around and act like idiots and drunkenly yell backstory at each other.
I've married a lot of men for their money and I drink a lot.
I'm a shrill troll.
I have like seventy Oscars.
(sobs, downs shot of vodka number twelve, fires agent)
INT. AMANDA SEYFRIED'S BEDROOM
AMANDA'S fiancee DOMINIC COOPER walks in.
Eat shit and die.
Wow, you're a horrible bitch to me, and I have no interest in getting married anyway. Why am I with you?
Go fuck yourself.
(looking down at her chest)
Ah yes. I love you too, my darling.
EXT. STELLAN'S YACHT
STELLAN, PIERCE and COLIN hang out and bond on a boat, despite the fact they have nothing in common except MERYL'S VAGINA.
So why did we all agree to travel all the way to bumfuck Greece to go to wedding of a girl we've never met just because she happens to be the daughter of a chick we all took it to for a couple hours apiece?
Explanation is apparently unnecessary, as 99.9% of the audience is middle-aged women who would love to believe that all their former boyfriends still desperately desire them and would travel the globe to see them, especially if they look like me.
AUDIENCE swoons, experiences hot flashes.
They arrive at the hotel and AMANDA hides them in an attic from MERYL. MERYL sees THEM and acid flashbacks to when she met them. COLIN is a ROCKER. STELLAN is a HIPPIE. PIERCE is JESUS. TALENTED AND ACCLAIMED PERFORMERS humiliate themselves by being dressed like that.
Mamma mia, I can't put two and two together that my daughter invited you here as there's no other reason you'd be in my barn. My my, I'm basically an idiot. Also, this movie takes place in present day, meaning my daughter was conceived in '87 or '88. Why in my flashback are they dressed like the year was possibly 1979, 1968 or 1973?
A TALENTED AND ACCLAIMED PERFORMER humiliates herself, falling through a roof and landing with her legs spread wide open. KEVIN KLINE smiles smugly for being the Sophie's Choice cast member who retained the most dignity.
INT. MERYL'S BEDROOM
CHRISTINE BARANSKI and JULIE WALTERS sing Chiquitita to make MERYL feel better about being really slutty twenty years ago. This somehow works. This is evidenced by the three of them singing Dancing Queen and jumping on the bed in slow motion.
Please dear lord, let the audience be so distracted by how much fun we're having that it suppresses how embarassed they all are for us.
UBER ETHNIC GREEK EXTRAS laugh at them.
DIRECTOR PHYLLIDA LLOYD
Greeks are so quaint and wacky!
You're a bitch.
EXT. STELLAN'S YACHT
AMANDA prances around in a bathing suit. As none of these men know they might be her father, making this scene sweet and tender, they instead ogle the 20 year old with the enormous cans.
Well now that we're all super best friends, we should probably sing too. People have had more than enough of Meryl's warbling by now.
They DO. And then WARREN ZEVON gives birth to a seventeen pound baby. Or PIERCE BROSNAN sings. It's almost impossible to tell the difference.
DOMINIC COOPER calls AMANDA over.
I just realized I'm barely in this movie. But now I have to go to my stag party before we get married really horrifically young.
You'll never leave me, right?
Instead of being freaked out by that question the way any reasonable 20 year old man should be, I'm now going to sing to you.
Wow. You're amazing.
No, it's amazing that you're actually a worse singer than Pierce. That's incredible.
For no reason, DOMINIC'S STAG PARTY ATTENDEES appear wearing snorkles and flippers and do a completley retarded dance on the dock. This is hilarious. Or terrifying.
EXT. AMANDA'S BACHELORETTE PARTY
CHRISTINE, JULIE and MERYL sing Super Trouper in Tim Curry's shoes from Rocky Horror Picture Show.
That's so sweet. Isn't this song about Nazis or something? Also, how did I get so many friends living on the remotest island in Greece?
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, ABBA's best song, plays for like thirty seconds. This is RIDICULOUS. For some reason, AMANDA'S friends tie STELLAN and COLIN up while the STAG PARTY literally swings in on ropes wearing masks for some strange Eyes Wide Shut shit. This seriously happens. This is UNCOMFORTABLE. Suddenly, all at once, COLIN, PIERCE and STELLAN all realize that they're AMANDA'S father.
I'm your father, Amanda Seyfried.
I'm also your father.
I'm handsome. But yeah, I'm your dad too.
I'm overwhelmed! I did not see this coming! Oh, foresight, how you elude me. Mom, I need to talk to you because I've made what is in retrospect a tiny error in judgment.
Oh Amanda, I understand, you don't have to get married.
What? That's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking about the other mistake. How dare you judge me for being twenty years old and obviously far too young with absolutely no life experience and being a either total bitch or incredibly needy to my fiance... yeah you've kind of got a point. But I choose to ignore it till the end, 'kay?
I know what you're going through. My parents kicked me out of the house when I had you.
Isn't that tragic?
No I mean, really? You're almost 60. You were still living at home when you were 40? It's amazing you found anyone to have sex with you, let alone three guys in a week.
EXT. THE SEA
JULIE WALTERS stands up in a raft for no reason other than to fall off wackily.
I hate my agent.
INT. STELLAN'S YACHT
COLIN and STELLAN are talking.
I will now engage you in one-sided misunderstood banter wherein I explain that I might be Amanda Seyfried's father, but you infer I'm a homosexual. This is supposed to be hilarious, except at the end you find out I'm gay anyway, so this makes no sense.
Oi! And I will explain to you that I think I'm Amanda's father, but no one will ever have a clue just what you infer from me, and it's never explained again. You might think I'm talking about boning Julie Walters or Meryl or my 20 year old possible daughter with huge tracts of land, or possibly that I'm just expressing how much I enjoy Vegemite.
EXT. MERYL'S HOTEL
MERYL cries and freaks out while preparing for AMANDA'S wedding, just like in every movie ever featuring a parent whose child gets married.
Meryl, you should stop your daughter from getting married. Also, I love you.
Oh shit, you're going to sing again aren't you.
So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, SOS. I literally couldn't sound less like a human if I tried, SOS.
Oh Pierce. I love you too.
Except I hate you. Asshole.
This runs in the family, doesn't it? Isn't there a psychiatrist on this island anywhere?
INT. AMANDA'S BEDROOM
MERYL helps AMANDA get ready for her wedding and sings a song about daughters growing up and becoming independent from their parents. Certain guest writers on abridged script wesbites sob quietly in the theater. Shut up.
INT. AMANDA AND DOMINIC'S WEDDING
AMANDA stops her wedding.
I object to this wedding. Mom, I invited Colin, Pierce and Stellan here because one of them is probably my dad. I know you're a big slut. But I love you.
EVERYONE awwww's. MERYL is touched.
I'm fine not knowing that I'm your real dad, Amanda. I love you no matter what. Also I'm gay and am having an affair with one of your fiancee's friends.
I'm pretty kosher with it too. Whatever. Even I forgot I'm in this movie.
Meryl, will you marry me?
I haven't seen you in twenty years and I only actually knew you for one summer, but yeah, obviously!
EXT. WEDDING RECEPTION
Everyone celebrates the fact that two misguided children saw the light and didn't get married, and that two misguided middle-aged adults made a giant mistake.
She's in court suing Kim Catrall for spending six seasons and one movie of Sex and the City completely ripping her off. Hey Stellan, since I'm out of male characters I've decided I like you. I shall now express this in song form!
She DOES and ANOTHER TALENTED AND ACCLAIMED PERFORMER HUMILIATES HIM/HERSELF
Everyone dances around in the rain laughing and enjoying life. Except for COLIN FIRTH who is acting out a really graphic money shot in a gay porno.
THE MOVIE PRETENDS TO END BUT DOESN'T
Talented and acclaimed performers humiliate themselves, and a Gay Pride Parade is deep fried in glitter and polyester and explodes all over the screen, blinding the audience who just finally regained their sight from the earlier explosion.
Well that sucked. But at least we didn't have to sing Waterloo.
THEY SING WATERLOO.
THE MOVIE ENDS FOR REALZ. Everyone goes home and has Super Trouper in their heads for the next year. Su-pah-pah troo-pah-pah.