And this isn't even in the top 5 creepiest Uber pickups Halle's had today.


And this isn't even in the top 5 creepiest Uber pickups Halle's had today.

KIDNAP

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. DINER

HALLE BERRY is a broke ass waitress who can’t get a marginally better job like bank teller or postal worker despite looking exactly like FUCKING HALLE BERRY.

HALLE BERRY

I’m also a single mother because my husband left me for another woman who I’m pretty sure isn’t Halle Berry. Now 90% of this movie is just me driving and talking to myself so I had better liven things up first with some fast-paced waitressing!

BUTTERBALL CUSTOMER

I’m a spoiled little asshole. Get me hash browns with burnt edges or you get no tip.

HALLE BERRY

How about I give you a tip, eat more vegetables and maybe you’ll get less diabetes fatso.

BITCHY STUCK-UP CUSTOMER

I’m an entitled shrew who’s upset with my boyfriend so I’m going to take my misplaced anger out on Halle.

HALLE BERRY

I recommend you order a cheeseburger then maybe you wouldn’t look like Woody from Toy Story you lanky twat. That’s right I make fun of all body types, I’m equal opportunity offensive.

HALLE grabs her realistic prop dummy son SAGE CORREA and leaves.

EXT. CARNIVAL

HALLE BERRY

Given the movie’s title I think we all know what’s about to happen, so I’ll let Sage wander around aimlessly just so long as he’s within earshot. Marco!

SAGE CORREA

Wait is that my name?

HALLE BERRY

No we’re playing Marco Polo, your name is Frankie, but I’m constantly screaming “Marco!” which will confuse everyone at the carnival when I realize you’ve been snatched and start calling out “Marco!” instead of your actual name. Now how about you sit down while I take this phone call with your deadbeat dad 100 feet away with my back to you for no reason.

She does this and soon realizes SAGE has been... KIDNAP(ED)!

HALLE BERRY

Oh no! Sage is being shoved in the back of a shitty old Mustang by a fat chick!

(drops phone)

(stomps on it)

(sets it on fire)

Good thing I won’t be needing that!

HALLE OVERACTS her way inside her indestructible mini-van and gives chase!

EXT. FREEWAY

HALLE speeds after the kidnapmobile! She does this by endangering everyone else on the road and causing multiple accidents!

HALLE BERRY

Surely this will get the attention of the police!

But just then she passes a sign post that reads “DESERTED ROAD COMPLETELY DEVOID OF POLICE UP AHEAD”.

HALLE BERRY

FUCK! The ONE TIME a cop isn’t around to pull over a black person!

MOTORCYCLE POLICEMAN

(telporting in)

I came as soon as I heard! Pull over!

HALLE BERRY

Oh thank God! Please stop them!

MOTORCYCLE POLICEMAN

No, YOU! YOU pull over you maniac!

HALLE BERRY

What? No! THEM! Pull the kidnappers over!

MOTORCYCLE POLICEMAN

Stop resisting!

HALLE BERRY

I’m not! I’m trying to help you catch some filthy kidnappers!

MOTORCYCLE POLICEMAN

I SAID STOP RESISTING! Don’t worry innocent kidnappers, I’ll protect you from this crazy violent woman OH SHIT

(is rammed off the road)

(is killed)

The kidnappers pull over and HALLE is confronted by grungy redneck kidnapper LEW TEMPLE.

HALLE BERRY

Oh no he’s going to shoot me!

LEW TEMPLE

How? It seems I've traded in a gun for this small pathetic knife.

HALLE BERRY

That’s all you have? Then what’s stopping me from running you the fuck over?

LEW TEMPLE

Uh... we’ve only reached the 30 minute mark?

HALLE BERRY

Shit! That means I can’t simply vehicular manslaughter you even though you are standing in an open field and I’m totally justified! Here, take my maxed out credit cards in exchange for my cardboard cutout of a son!

LEW TEMPLE

Let my whitetrash wife Chris McGinn into your minivan so we can go steal all the IOU’s and cobwebs out of your overdrawn bank account and I’ll let your boy go.

HALLE BERRY

What? So you can kill or kidnap me too? I’d have to be a right fucking moron to agree to that!

She AGREES TO THAT and CHRIS gets in the minivan.

They drive away and pass another signpost that reads “ABANDONED TUNNEL WITH ABSOLUTELY NO TRAFFIC AROUND” and chevrons directing them to the "KILL HALLE" lane.

CHRIS MCGINN

Perfect! REDNECK SMASH!!!

She attacks HALLE, who fights back by making increasingly hilarious DERP FACES.

But HALLE manages to use her MUTANT STRENGTH to throw CHRIS out of the van despite CHRIS weighing 200 pounds more than her.

HALLE BERRY

All those months of doing CrossFit finally paid off! Chris dropped her coat so I’ll put it on in order to trick Lew into thinking I'm her so he'll drive back to his meth den or wherever rednecks keep their hostages these days!

LEW falls for it because he’s a DUMBFUCK and starts to lead HALLE back to his house and they drive down YET ANOTHER conveniently abandoned road.

LEW TEMPLE

Hey waaaaaait a minute, that’s not Chris driving that minivan!

HALLE BERRY

What? No, it’s totally Chris! I’m even wearing her tacky winter coat from Goodwill, see?

LEW TEMPLE

It’s actually a windbreaker! It just LOOKS like a huge winter coat on YOU! Back off or I’ll throw Sage out of my car which is going roughly 5 MPH!

HALLE BERRY

Noooo! Don’t you hurt my adorable Funko Pop son! I’ll back off!

LEW TEMPLE

Ha! Adiós muchachos!

HALLE BERRY

Wait, what about Chris? Don’t you want to know what happened to her?

LEW TEMPLE

(searches his pockets)

HALLE BERRY

What are you looking for?

LEW TEMPLE

Fucks to give. I’m fresh out!

(drives away!)

INT. POLICE STATION

HALLE BERRY

Help! I’d like to report a kidnapping!

POLICEWOMAN

Oh course! Give me a description!

HALLE BERRY

Well he’s black, and male, and

POLICEWOMAN

(stops listening)

HALLE BERRY

Well shit. I guess I could just sit on my ass and wait for the police to fish Sage’s body out of a ditch. Yes, that sounds like a plan.

But then HALLE notices the police station has more MISSING PERSONS flyers than the town of DERRY.

HALLE BERRY

I’m coming Sage! I found Little Miss Sunshine and I’ll find you too!

EXT. RANDOM STREET

HALLE BERRY

Hey look! Some hobo dumped his redneck jacket in that trash can. It MUST be Lew’s!

LEW TEMPLE

Damnit! You just so happen to find me on this random deserted street just as I was carjacking a Volvo! You’ll never take me alive bitch!

LEW hits a woman with his car and then speeds away from the scene!

HALLE BERRY

Oh no! Lew's doing a me! Fuuuck, that hit woman is in danger of being run over by oncoming traffic! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

HALLE takes a broadside collision from an oncoming car and protects the HIT WOMAN.

AIRBAGS

Fuck your face Halle!

(pops her in the nose!)

HALLE BERRY

Damnit! Now my van is completely trashed to shit! Sage is doomed!

HALLE’S MINI VAN

Bitch I’m invincible!

(regenerates its wheels, chassis, and transmission!)

HALLE catches up to LEW and rams him! But she runs out of gas!

HALLE BERRY

Oh come on! Can’t this thing regenerate some fuel?!

HALLE’S MINI VAN

Sorry Halle! You should have gotten a Prius instead! Errk!

(dies!)

LEW TEMPLE

Yes! Clean getaway! Now all I have to do is keep driving and

(Volvo turns itself around)

What the fuck?! No! I should keep driving and get away! Only a total asshole would go back and try to run Halle over!

But he DOES THIS but misses HALLE and crashes!

LEW TEMPLE

Well at least I have a shotgun now so killing Halle should be as easy as... killing an unarmed woman. I’m bad with cool idioms. Must be all the meth. Probably all the meth.

HALLE’S MINI VAN

(springs to life!)

Not so fast motherfucker! Judo CHOP!

(traps Lew in cargo door!)

LEW TEMPLE

Damn you van! You’re roomy and economical, as well as deadly!

(is killed!)

HALLE BERRY

Hey wait! He doesn’t have Sage! Lew must have taken Sage to his house and then come back to steal that Volvo! Although why he would do something as pants-shittingly dumb as that is anyone’s guess!

She steals LEW’S WALLET and realizes his address is within walking distance.

But first she takes a moment to say goodbye to her loyal mini van.

HALLE BERRY

A van has to be what it is. Can't break the mold. There's no living with the killing. There's no going back. Right or wrong, it's a brand. A brand that sticks. Now you run on home to your mother... you tell her everything's alright. There are no more guns in the valley.

INT. LEW’S HOUSE

HALLE plods around for a bit to pad out the RUNNING TIME some more and eventually finds SAGE in a locked attic with some other KIDNAPPED GIRLS.

SAGE CORREA

Mommy! Lew and Chris are selling the kidnapped kids!

HALLE BERRY

They are? Well no offense but why would they kidnap you? Wouldn’t girls sell for way more than boys?

SAGE CORREA

Their list of buyers includes NAMBLA!

HALLE BERRY

I would have guessed the clergy.

SAGE CORREA

Nah, they get their kids free of charge.

CHRIS returns and chases HALLE and SAGE to a pier.

CHRIS MCGINN

Come back here Halle! When I catch you I’ll kill you faster than Movie 43 killed your credibility!

HALLE BERRY

The only thing being killed is you cunt face!

(pulls Chris into water)

CHRIS MCGINN

Nooooo!!! If only rednecks could swim!

(drowns!)

HALLE returns to the attic to rescue the other kidnapped kids when she is cornered by a STRANGER pointing a gun at her.

HALLE BERRY

Sir! Thank God! Help me rescue these kidnapped children before the cops get here!

STRANGER

Of course! Because I’m certainly NOT in league with the kidnappers! No ma’am! No way no how!

HALLE BERRY

Well duh, obviously, otherwise you would’ve shot me in the face fourteen times by now.

STRANGER

Right! So since I’m not a bad guy I’ll just put my gun down and turn my back to you while I help you save those two kids who are both girls who I have never seen before so how would I know how many there are and that they’re girls and AW FUCK TOO MUCH INFORMATION

(is shoveled to death!)

HALLE BERRY

Really? Holy shit how the hell did these morons manage to get away with kidnapping kids for this long? Their entire operation was brought down by a woman most known for telling a stupid joke about toads.

The police arrive and HALLE goes on to have a BOOK DEAL and becomes the official spokeswoman of THE MINI VAN.

END

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