Exfoliation was WAY more hard-core back in Wild West times.


Exfoliation was WAY more hard-core back in Wild West times.

JONAH HEX

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. THE WILD WEST

JOSH BROLIN is being tied to a WOODEN POLE while his HOUSE BURNS.

JOHN MALKOVICH

You'll pay for what you done to me, Jonah Hex.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Wait, his name is ALREADY Jonah Hex? I thought that was a nickname he gets after he becomes a feared bounty hunter, but instead he's the son of, let's say, Mortimer and Prudence Hex? Not sure why would we choose to fuck with any family called the frikkin' Hex Family. Wouldn't it be smarter to go beat up on the Milquetoasts down the road?

JOHN MALKOVICH

I don't care if his last name is Hex, I'm going to leave him here to die for what he did.

JOSH BROLIN

Maybe we should actually get in to the details of what I did, or mention it at all, so the audience knows whether I deserve this fate or not.

JOHN MALKOVICH

Dude, I'm John Malkovich. I think that makes it pretty damn obvious who's the bad guy here. But just to drive the point home, it's time to BURN YOUR FACE!!!!! ...oh, and your family.

JOSH BROLIN

(face burning)

Arrrgh! Why, God, why?!? Why did I pick the only DC hero with a gruesomely disfigured face to try and build my own franchise with?? This will mean countless hours in the makeup chair if I succeed!!

NICOLAS CAGE

Hey, at least you get to act all your scenes. When my character turned into Ghost Rider I just sat around in my trailer not paying taxes.

JOSH BROLIN

What the hell? You're not even in this movie!

NICOLAS CAGE

Actually, I'm in every movie now, even ones that have already happened. Remember that not paying taxes thing I mentioned a moment ago? Well, I'm at least working on it, unlike certain Wesley Snipeses I could name.

JOSH BROLIN

Clearly, this is all a near-death hallucination.

(dies)

Yup, thought so.

CUT TO:

INT. MAGICAL INDIAN TEEPEE

JOSH is revived by MAGICAL INDIANS.

JOSH BROLIN

(in a gravelly slur)

Wow, if you guys had one-tenth the crazy powers in real life that you have in movies, Europe would still be wondering what's on the other side of the ocean.

MAGICAL INDIAN

What was that? It sounded like "Wzhzhzwha grrgehrwaz flzzbh Europe zbzisazwhghrm"

JOSH BROLIN

(normal)

Oh, I was just doing the obligatory Christian Bale Batman voice that all "dark" comic heroes must do now, layered with the fact that half my mouth won't move with all this goddamn makeup over it. Plus, my horoscope said that this year a rugged older actor starring in a Western, who slurs all his lines, will get an Oscar nomination.

MAGICAL INDIAN

That's Jeff Bridges in "True Grit", buddy. Sorry.

JOSH BROLIN

Dammit.

(pause)

Hey, I'm in "True Grit" too. Maybe you could siphon the Oscar buzz from that movie into this one using a Common-Actor Prestige-Transfer spell...

MAGICAL INDIAN

Woah, dude, even WE don't have that kind of power. Need I remind you that Megan Fox is in this heap o' turd.

JOSH BROLIN

Fine. I'll just go get revenge on John Malkovich, then.

MAGICAL INDIAN

Actually, we're pretending that he died offscreen during the opening credits.

JOSH BROLIN

Well, that ought to fool UTTERLY NOBODY AT ALL IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE FOR EVER AND EVER AND FOR ALL TIME. All right, I'll just bounty hunt until we admit he's still alive.

MAGICAL INDIAN

Oh, I should also mention that even though the Jonah Hex of the comics has no powers, we've given you the ability to resurrect dead people by touching them.

JOSH BROLIN

Huh. Why'd you...

MAGICAL INDIAN

But if you hold on to them too long they burn up. And how long it takes depends on how long they've been dead.

JOSH BROLIN

So someone wrote this screenplay while sky-fucking-high. Got it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SMALL WESTERN TOWN

JOSH BROLIN rides in dragging FOUR DEAD PEOPLE.

EVIL WESTERN MAYOR

Thank you for killing these varmints for us, Jonah Hex. Now prepare to be astonished as I decide NOT to pay you, and instead pull an OBVIOUS EVIL MAYOR DOUBLECROSS! Kill him!

JOSH BROLIN

For fuck's sake, my name is Jonah HEX, as in Curse, as in Bad Karma, as in Fucking With Me Will Come Back To Bite You Ten Times As Hard, why do people not GET that?

EVIL WESTERN MAYOR

Ah, every bounty hunter has some scary made-up name!

JOSH BROLIN

No, it's my actual FAMILY name, not just... oh, never mind.

JOSH rears up his HORSE to reveal he has mounted IMPOSSIBLE CGI GATTLING GUNS on BOTH SIDES and uses them to KILL THE EVER-LOVING FUCK out of THE EVIL MAYOR and TWO DOZEN BAD GUYS. It is ALMOST COOL ENOUGH to make you overlook that it is UTTERLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Almost.

EVIL WESTERN MAYOR

(choking on blood)

But... the recoil alone... should have torn his horse... in half...

(dies)

HORSE

Yeah, well I also should have died of exhaustion, dragging five tons of steel and four dead bodies across open desert, but I didn't. That's right, I talk now. At this point, why the fuck not? Hit it, boys!

The HORSE performs a TAP-DANCE NUMBER while singing "OKLAHOMA"

JOSH BROLIN

(sighs)

I guess we can't put off the obligatory brothel scene any longer.

CUT TO:

INT. BROTHEL

MEGAN FOX

Good to see you, Josh. As you've no doubt deduced, my one function in this movie is to put on a sexy Wild West prostitute outfit and be sexy in it. Strangely, I will fail.

(fails)

Suddenly WILL ARNETT bursts in!

JOSH BROLIN

What the...? Is this whole thing just a 30 Rock sidebar joke?

WILL ARNETT

No, but you might think so since I'm doing my exact character from 30 Rock, but in a Civil War outfit. I've been sent here by Jeff Bridges to undermine this crappy movie even further, just to be on the safe side. He read the same horoscope as you.

JOSH BROLIN

Okay, but what's your official character motivation for being here?

WILL ARNETT

Shockingly, John Malkovich is still alive. And he's gotten himself an anachronistic-steampunky-doomsday machine, as is traditional in these kinds of movies. Help us stop him.

(pause)

So, what do you say?

JOSH BROLIN

Oh, I was waiting for Alec Baldwin to deliver a punchline. Sorry. You're waiting to find out if I'll agree to take revenge on the man who burned my family alive? You get three guesses what my answer is, and the first two are OF COURSE, YOU MORON.

WILL ARNETT

Excellent! I shall take you now to be briefed personally by Ulysses S. Grant, as played by Aidan Quinn.

JOSH BROLIN

Wait, the first time anyone sees Aidan Quinn in years is going to be in this crapfest? No thanks, I don't want that on my conscience. Let's skip ahead to where I interrogate John Malkovich's dead son, whom I killed, oh did I mention that was the thing I did before to make Malkovich angry with me?

WILL ARNETT

But if we do that we'll also miss the scene with Tom Wopat from TV's "Dukes of Hazzard".. hmm, I see your point. So how will we "skip ahead" as you put it?

JOSH BROLIN

Dude, everyone's watching this on DVD or their computer, if at all. This thing made like twelve dollars in theatres.

SKIP TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD

JOSH BROLIN digs up a CORPSE and REANIMATES it.

JOSH BROLIN

Hey, you're Jeffrey Dean Morgan!

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Ssssh! I had my name taken out of the credits for a reason, you know.

JOSH BROLIN

Alright, Unnamed Character Actor, just tell me where to find John Malkovich so we can put a merciful end to this garbage. This is already feeling like the longest 81 minutes ever known to mankind.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Well, in this movie full of coming-back-from-death references, he's hiding at Fort Resurrection. What are the odds?! Now please let me get the hell out of this movie.

JOSH RELEASES JEFFREY and his spirit goes back to an old DVD of GREY'S ANATOMY.

SKIP TO:

EXT. FORT RESURRECTION

JOSH BROLIN

I'm here for my revenge!

JOHN MALKOVICH, MICHAEL FASSBENDER and VARIOUS BAD GUYS SHOOT JOSH BROLIN ALL TO HELL.

JOSH BROLIN

Well that was pointless.

(dies)

(AGAIN)

JOSH BROLIN gets RESURRECTED by MAGICAL INDIANS. AGAIN.

JOSH BROLIN

Phew, thanks, guys! Did I get any more bonus powers this time around, like before when you gave me essentially a variant of Ghost Rider's powers?

NICOLAS CAGE

(aside, to audience)

That was my idea.

MAGICAL INDIAN

Yes. You can now transform disco music into glittery light effects that can temporarily mesmerize, or "dazzle", people. Also, you are Black Lightning.

JOSH BROLIN

Dy-no-MITE!

(rides off, playing funk music)

SKIP TO:

INT. JOHN MALKOVICH'S GIANT SHIP

JOSH BROLIN

Face me, John Malkovich!

JOHN MALKOVICH

I did that way back in the first scene. Oops, I thought you said "DE-face" BA-ZING!

JOSH BROLIN

At least take this a bit seriously, okay?

JOHN MALKOVICH

Very well! You shall never defeat me and my goofy doomsday device, Jonah Hex! It is unstoppable!

JOSH BROLIN

Just tell me it isn't a giant mechanical tarantula with Kenneth Branagh on top...

JOHN MALKOVICH

No, it is far better, though just as needlessly complex! And now, you will die! ...Yet again!

They FIGHT, and this is INTERCUT with them ALSO FIGHTING in some WEIRD DREAMLIKE LANDSCAPE.

JOSH BROLIN

What the fuck is this? Are we supposed to be actually experiencing this other fight, or is it a shared hallucination thing, or instead a cunning cinematic metaphor to dramatize the fact that we're, I dunno, fighting?

JOHN MALKOVICH

Who the hell knows? Let's just get on with it.

(on dream level)

Pow! Biff!

(on ship level)

Biff! Pow!

JOSH BROLIN

(ship level)

Oof! Bam!

(dream level)

Bam! Oof!

DENNIS QUAID FROM THE 1980S

No, Josh! If you die in Dreamscape, you die in reality too!

JOHN MALKOVICH

Dammit, Quaid, I told you not to interfere!!! QUAAAAIIIDD!!!!!!

While MALKOVICH is distracted, JOSH throws his TOMAHAWK into the DOOMSDAY MACHINE, JAMMING it! It EXPLODES in a HUGE PLOT-RESOLVING FIREBALL!

AIDAN QUINN

Congratulations, Jonah Hex! You're a national hero!

JOSH BROLIN

Aw, I was gonna keep you out of this debacle. Actually, the audience has all turned off their DVDs and are watching "Castle", so I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

AIDAN QUINN

I'm impressed how you escaped that giant fireball. Let me make you Sheriff of America.

JOSH BROLIN

Escaped? No, I just died again, and came back with even more powers.

(stretches arm thirty feet to grab beer from next door)

Ah, that hits the spot. SHAZAM!

(flies off)

STOP

EJECT


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