"Under different circumstances, I would really enjoy this."


"Under different circumstances, I would really enjoy this."

GAMER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO, SOME YEARS FROM THIS EXACT MOMENT (IT LITERALLY SAYS THAT)

KYRA SEDGWICK interviews videogame designer and GRADE-A DOUCHEBAG, MICHAEL C. HALL.

KYRA SEDGWICK

So, Michael, what is the plot of this movie?

MICHAEL C. HALL

(sort of southern accent)

Well, suga’, remember how they remade Death Race last year, in 2008? This is basically that except with a first-person-shooter video game called "Slayers."

KYRA SEDGWICK

So, the government pretty much legalized murder because it makes for good TV? How the hell did this happen?

MICHAEL C. HALL

It all started with my first game "Society," which is "The Sims" except with a whole lot more tits. Players can control real people using this mind-control nanotechnology that takes over and replaces their brains.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Can the players feel what their avatars feel or do they just get off on voyeurism?

MICHAEL C. HALL

I dunno, we don't really flesh that out. For more on that concept, go watch "Surrogates," which came out the exact same month and year as this movie. Anyway, gamers loved raping and beating the shit out of real people so much that the government let me televise gladiator-style fights to the death!

KYRA SEDGWICK

That's so retarded that it defies belief!

MICHAEL C. HALL

(smugly sucks lolly pop)

You think that's bad? All the Slayers are death row inmates who will get released if they survive 30 games!

KYRA SEDGWICK

That's fucking horrifying! The guy who's the best at killing people is the one most qualified to re-enter society? Has anyone done it yet?

MICHAEL C. HALL

Not yet, but GERARD BUTLER is only a few games away from free-

A system glitch occurs and LUDACRIS appears on the screen behind MICHAEL and KYRA.

LUDACRIS

I'm a member of the hacker group, "HUMANZZZZZZZ." We’ve taken over the airwaves to tell you that Michael C. Hall is a bad, bad man and these games are bad, too... I really don’t have anything shocking to say here.

(end transmission)

EXT. REAL LIFE CALL OF DUTY MAP #1, DAY

GERARD BUTLER and ZOE BELL run into an overwhelmingly gray arena and ALL FUCKING HELL BREAKS LOOSE. GERARD kills several Slayers within seconds.

ZOE BELL

(dies)

GERARD BUTLER

Why was she even in this?!

(shoots five guys in the face)

GERARD runs into a room filled with around 500 Slayers, all killing the shit out of each other.

GERARD BUTLER

This is like a quarter of the entire US population of death row inmates! Do people get the death penalty for jay walking now?

(shoots five more)

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

I know, right? This map has enough faceless henchmen to equip a Bond villain.

GERARD BUTLER

Who is this? I hear your whiny puberty voice in my head.

(continues nonchalant killing spree)

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

I’m the 17-year-old kid that’s playing you. I downloaded a mod that lets me talk to you even though it’s REALLY illegal and you’d think they would monitor that sort of thing...

A LOBOTOMIZED PRISONER walks across the road in front of a SPEEDING TRUCK. GERARD tackles him out of the way.

GERARD BUTLER

Why did you make me do that? I thought you had no regard for human life?

(PRISONER dies anyway)

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

I’ll just undercut the significance by making a quip about people getting blown to bits.

(beat)

KIBBLES AND BITS!

GERARD BUTLER

Those are human beings, fucker!

(teabags corpse)

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

Whatever. There's the save point; just watch out for that grenade.

GERARD BUTLER

What gren-

An EXPLOSION sends GERARD through a plate glass window.

GERARD BUTLER

I think I’m ok-

Another EXPLOSION sends GERARD off an overpass.

GERARD BUTLER

Luckily, this truck was here to break my-

An EVEN BIGGER EXPLOSION blows GERARD into a dumpster full of RUSTY NAILS AND USED SYRINGES. He dusts himself off and crosses the finish line, without ANY internal injuries or permanent hearing loss.

INT. RICH WHITE KID'S HOUSE

LOGAN LERMAN makes a GUACAMOLE and JELLY sandwich and walks into his state of the art HOLODECK. He turns it on and is SURROUNDED BY PORN.

COMPUTER

In-coming call from KUMDUMPSTAZ.

Twin British girls appear on-screen.

KUMDUMPSTAZ

Hello Logan, here are our tits!

(flash tits)

LOGAN LERMAN

Just what this movie needed, more tits! What's up?

KUMDUMPSTAZ

We'll give you 50 million euros in exchange for Gerard Butler.

LOGAN LERMAN

Fuck no, I'm a celebrity because of him! And I'm only one game away from being the first person in history to win all 30 games! And I'm so desensitized at this point that your tits did nothing for me.

(hangs up)

A system glitch occurs and LUDACRIS appears on-screen.

LUDACRIS

(stuttering/distorted audio)

What-what-what is up, b-b-b-brotha'?

LOGAN LERMAN

You're lucky I wasn't masturbating just now... And why do you sound like Max Headroom?

LUDACRIS

How-how-how did YOU get away with starring in a kids’ fantasy movie after this shit?

(beat)

Anyway, there’s N-N-N-NO way MICHAEL will let GERARD survive the last game because of a ham-ham-ham-fisted conspiracy. The only way to win is to set GERARD free, ya dig-ya dig-ya dig?

(uses ‘fro pick)

LOGAN LERMAN

Oh, my God, fine! But only if you stop jump-cutting and repeating everything. I’m sure aiding and abetting a murderer’s escape on live TV will have no negative consequences at all...

EXT. REAL LIFE CALL OF DUTY MAP #2, DAY

GERARD chugs an ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA and runs into the arena. He gets SHIT FACED in 10 seconds and stumbles around because that’s how alcohol works.

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

What are you doing?! This already seems like the worst plan imaginable. DON’T FUCKING DIE!

GERARD BUTLER

Thanks for the advice, kid.

(hiccup)

This plan is genius; you’ll see.

GERARD BARELY avoids death and makes it to a parking structure.

GERARD BUTLER

Aha! Here it is, an ETHANOL-fueled car!

(pukes into gas tank)

Pretty smart, right?

(pisses into gas tank)

LOGAN LERMAN (V.O.)

Well, yeah, except WHY DID YOU DRINK IT?! You already had the bottle, you could have just poured it into the tank!

GERARD BUTLER

... Oh, right.

(zips up)

After surviving a few more EXPLOSIONS, GERARD escapes.

EXT. SOCIETY GAME MAP, DAY

That song by the Bloodhound Gang about fucking like animals plays while a bunch of REAL-LIFE SIMS act out the lyrics. Also, there’s TITS. GERARD’s wife, AMBER VALLETTA enters the scene, dressed in FIFTH ELEMENT COSPLAY.

AMBER VALLETTA

I work here because times have been tough since GERARD was imprisoned and social services took our daughter for no reason.

FATTEST, PASTIEST, SWEATIEST MOTHERFUCKER OF ALL TIME

(drinks bowl of syrup)

I’m Hollywood’s opinion of gamers and I’m controlling Amber. My God this role is embarrassing...

FATTY makes AMBER pick up some dude in rubber pants named RICK RAPE. They go to a hotel room.

RICK RAPE

(jerking off)

Before we do this, just remember that I'm a Sim, too. I have no control over my-

GERARD appears and BREAKS RICK IN HALF, Bane-style.

AMBER VALLETTA/FATTY

Hey handsome-

GERARD BUTLER

Shut the fuck up!

SHE DOES SO for the rest of the movie and they escape with help from KYRA and the HUMANZZZZZZ.

FATTEST, PASTIEST, SWEATIEST MOTHERFUCKER OF ALL TIME

I should call the cops about this... Oh, look, food!

INT. HUMANZZZZZZ HEADQUARTERS

The HUMANZZZZZZ give GERARD and AMBER a chemical that disconnects their brains from the system. They hook GERARD up to a MINORITY REPORT EXPOSITION MACHINE.

MINORITY REPORT EXPOSITION MACHINE

MICHAEL wants GERARD dead because he's the first person to have the mind control software installed and MICHAEL made him kill someone for no reason at all.

GERARD BUTLER

I really should have remembered that; I don't know why this scene was necessary.

LUDACRIS

MICHAEL also adopted your daughter.

GERARD BUTLER

What the f-

INT. MICHAEL'S MANSION, NIGHT

GERARD enters and finds MICHAEL surrounded by SLAYERS. MICHAEL makes them conduct a FLASH MOB and then ATTACK.

GERARD BUTLER

(kills everyone)

I'm still going to kill you but that was pretty awesome.

(grabs MICHAEL)

MICHAEL C. HALL

Wait, I still need to explain my evil scheme! Sure, you could kill me and find your daughter yourself but where's the fun in that?

GERARD BUTLER

God damn it...

MICHAEL and GERARD walk into a basketball court filled with TECH GEEKS on iPads.

MICHAEL C. HALL

My evil Geek Squad and I are planning to infect everyone in the world with a mind control virus. I upgraded my brain so that I will control them all!

GERARD BUTLER

That was it?

(draws knife)

You die now!

MICHAEL C. HALL

FREEZE!

GERARD BUTLER

(freezes)

God damn it, Ludacris...

MICHAEL C. HALL

Ludacris and the rest of the HUMANZZZZZZ are dead. I just have to kill you and then nothing can stop me!

(beat)

But first, let’s pretend fight!

EXT. CITY, NIGHT

A surviving HUMANZZZZZZ GIRL teams up with KYRA to HACK the shit out of a conveniently located HACKING BOX.

HUMANZZZZZZ GIRL

Alright, we hacked cameras into Michael’s basketball court to record him revealing his evil plan. We also hacked Logan out of jail and hacked the hackosphere to hack Logan back into controlling Gerard.

KYRA SEDGWICK

Now let’s get the hack out of here!

(slide-whistle plays)

INT. MICHAEL’S BASKETBALL COURT

MICHAEL is beating the shit out of GERARD and loving every minute of it. With help from LOGAN, GERARD manages to SLASH MICHAEL across the abdomen.

MICHAEL C. HALL

(surprised)

Maybe I don’t have as much control as I think I do...

(beat)

Bring his family in here! I’m gonna try to make him kill them while keeping myself well within stabbing distance.

AMBER and their DAUGHTER enter the room. GERARD jumps up and STABS MICHAEL IN THE STOMACH.

GERARD BUTLER

That’s for controlling me!

(stab)

That’s for threatening my family!

(stab)

And THAT’S for the series finale of Dexter!

TECH GEEK LEADER

(actual line)

Oops.

MICHAEL keels over and GERARD hugs his wife and daughter. As the TECH GEEKS lazily file out, GERARD stops the TECH GEEK LEADER.

GERARD BUTLER

Will you shut down the entire system? I know it will put you out of the job and lose you millions of dollars but... pretty please?

TECH GEEK LEADER

(bored)

Yeah, sure.

(taps iPad)

GERARD BUTLER

Really? I thought that would be harder...

TECH GEEK LEADER

(yawns)

Yeah, well... you know.

GERARD BUTLER

Yeah...

(pause)

So... now what? For such a fast-paced, hyper-violent, dystopian action movie, it sure is fizzling out at the end here...

END

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