Gwyneth was the first person to ever be diagnosed with "Spastic Derp Face Syndrome".


Gwyneth was the first person to ever be diagnosed with "Spastic Derp Face Syndrome".

CONTAGION

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT

GWYNETH PALTROW chats with her LOVER on her cell phone while she waits for her FLIGHT. Her face is really ANNOYING.

AUDIENCE

Ugh. Hopefully she won't have enough screen time to ruin the entire movie.

GWYNETH suddenly gets SICK and DIES.

AUDIENCE

This is the greatest movie ever.

INT. HOSPITAL (JOE EVERYMAN STORY LINE)

DR. KATE WINSLET meets with GWYNETH's husband, MATT DAMON.

DR. KATE WINSLET

Matt, your wife was killed by a new and highly contagious virus.

MATT DAMON

Matt Damon... sad?

DR. KATE WINSLET

Also, Gwyneth was a real Slutty McSluttington and cheated on you with fourteen different men, a dwarf and a German Shepherd, thus spreading this new deadly virus worldwide.

MATT DAMON

Matt Damon... very sad?

DR. KATE WINSLET

But on the bright side your Star Power means you and your daughter are conveniently immune to the virus, so I guess you really lucked out there, huh?

MATT DAMON

Matt... Damon?

DR. KATE WINSLET

You're taking this very well.

INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL (DOCTORY STORY LINE)

DR. KATE meets with her boss DR. LAURENCE FISHBURNE.

DR. KATE WINSLET

Millions of people have become infected by this new deadly virus! How are we going to cure it?

DR. LAURENCE FISHBURNE

I have an idea. Why don't you go out into the field and surround yourself with lots and lots of contagious infected people while I... stay here, where it's safe.

DR. KATE WINSLET

Great idea Laurence!!

DR. KATE surrounds herself with LOTS and LOTS of CONTAGIOUS INFECTED PEOPLE, gets SICK, and DIES.

DR. LAURENCE FISHBURNE

I somehow feel responsible for her death.

(pause)

Aaaaaaaand now I don't anymore.

Meanwhile...

INT. JUDE LAW'S OVERACTING (BLOGGER STORY LINE)

BLOGGER JUDE LAW BLOGS to his BLOGITES about BLOGGING a BLOG of BLOGS.

JUDE LAW

(whilst blogging)

Fuck the CDC! They lie! Fuck the government! They also lie! Fuck the corporations! They are lying liars! Fuck the pharmaceutical companies! Their lies have unprotected sex with younger, sexier lies! And fuck my dentist for pretending to be a dentist! Seriously, why do my teeth look like a bad special effect?

JUDE gets SICK.

JUDE LAW

(whilst blogging)

Oh no! I had better drink some of this homeopathic "forsythia" crap that I just so happen to have bought a shitload of stock in.

(drinks "forsythia")

See? I'm still alive! It works!

DR. LAURENCE FISHBURNE

You're lying, Jude. That forsythia bullshit doesn't work.

JUDE LAW

Shut up, Morpheus! I'm trying to capitalize on a worldwide epidemic here!

Both HEALTHY and SICK PEOPLE rush out to get "forsythia". The number of people it cures is somewhere between JACK and SHIT.

INT. HONG KONG (CHINA STORY LINE)

It is revealed that GWYNETH did some WHORING at a CASINO in HONG KONG just before she got SICK, so DR. MARION COTILLARD arrives to investigate.

DR. MARION COTILLARD

Jumping Jesus, another story line? I think the audience is getting overloaded. Isn't there a way I can, like, disappear for an hour?

DR. MARION is KIDNAPPED by the CHINESE and held captive in a prison built entirely out of ADORABLE CHINESE CHILDREN.

DR. MARION COTILLARD

Ah, that's better. Wake me just before the movie's over.

She takes A NAP. And so does THE AUDIENCE.

Meanwhile...

ALL AROUND THE WORLD people are FREAKING OUT, fighting each other for FOOD and SUPPLIES, STARVING, or GETTING SICK and DYING.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH

No, this isn't depressing enough.

A SHIT LOAD of PEOPLE get SICK and DIE, SLOWLY.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH

More depressing.

TEN ORPHANAGES filled with BLIND and CRIPPLED CHILDREN get SICK and DIE, SLOWLY.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH

I said more depressing goddamnit!

All the PUPPIES, KITTENS, and BABY SEALS in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE get SICK and DIE, SLOWLY, AND HORRIBLY.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH

(lights a post-coitus cigarette, smokes)

There, that's more like it.

Meanwhile...

INT. MATT DAMON'S HOUSE (JOE EVERYMAN STORY LINE)

Despite the fact that THE WORLD is GOING TO HELL, MATT's daughter ANNA JACOBY-HERON hates him for trying to PROTECT HER and is constantly trying to get up close and personal with her BOYFRIEND'S COCK.

MATT DAMON

No, Anna! Matt Damon say no! Infected, Boyfriend could be!

ANNA JACOBY-HERON

But Anna in love with Boyfriend! Anna want to make the sex with Boyfriend!

MATT DAMON

Matt Damon say NO, ANNA! MATT DAMON SAY NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

ANNA JACOBY-HERON

Anna sad. Anna hate Matt Damon!

MATT DAMON

Anna grounded! Matt Damon say to her room Anna go!

This scene COPIES/PASTES itself another FOUR or FIVE TIMES every FIFTEEN MINUTES.

AUDIENCE

I really hope the virus kills them both, slowly and horribly.

INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL (DOCTORY STORY LINE)

DR. LAURENCE calls his wife SANAA LATHAN.

DR. LAURENCE FISHBURNE

Honey, my doctory friends and I may have discovered a cure! And since I'm the head doctory guy we'll get the cure first! But it's super top secret so you can't tell ANYONE!

SANAA LATHAN

Okay.

DR. LAURENCE FISHBURNE

I mean it, Sanaa. I could go to prison for telling you this, so you can't tell ANYBODY AT ALL, got it?

SANAA LATHAN

Yes. I understand completely.

SANAA hangs up and immediately CALLS HER BEST FRIEND.

SANAA LATHAN

Girl, you are not gonna BELIEVE what Cleveland just told me!

THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD finds out about THE CURE and how THEY WON'T GET IT for at least A YEAR because SCIENTISTS are DOUCHEBAGS.

INT. JUDE LAW'S OVERACTING (BLOGGER STORY LINE)

JUDE LAW

(whilst blogging)

You see! They lie! Laurence lied! The government lies! Steven Soderbergh lied when he said my accent was just fine! Seriously, is my character supposed to be British or Czechoslovakian? I can't tell!

Then G-MAN ENRICO COLANTONI arrives.

ENRICO COLANTONI

You're under arrest, Jude.

JUDE LAW

Why? Because I'm an insufferable dipshit and I'm also playing one?

ENRICO COLANTONI

Yes, but also because you never caught the virus and told everyone that "forsythia" crap worked just so you could drive up its stock, making you rich. Then you topped it all off with an extra dose of assholishness by telling your blog readers not to take the real cure, dooming them to a horrible death.

JUDE LAW

Oh. Right. I did do that, didn't I? Well then gov, I suppose I'll be goin' off to the clink now and such?

ENRICO COLANTONI

Actually, all your idiot blog readers got together and paid your bail, so you're free to go and don't have to face any consequences whatsoever.

THIS HAPPENS.

JUDE LAW

Really? So what exactly was the whole point of this story line again?

INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL (DOCTORY STORY LINE)

THE GOVERNMENT holds a PRESS CONFERENCE hosted by ADMIRAL BRYAN CRANSTON.

ADMIRAL BRYAN CRANSTON

Yes, the cure works. And no, we are not calling it "Blue Sky" But instead of turning it into a gas that everybody can breathe or dumping it into a vat of Pepsi so that everybody can drink it, we see this as the perfect excuse to use this cool lottery ball machine we found in the basement, so let the drawing commence!

ADMIRAL BRYAN spins the LOTTERY BALL MACHINE to determine WHO GETS THE CURE FIRST.

ADMIRAL BRYAN CRANSTON

(reading lottery ball)

"America's rich and powerful" Hmm, I didn't know that was a number. Weird. Okay, let's draw again!

(reading next lottery ball)

"Not the poor, or China" Okay, what's up with these strange numbers? Oh well, that's the end of the drawing. Sucks to be everybody else!

INT. CHINA (CHINA STORY LINE)

DR. MARION is exchanged for THE CURE and taken to the AIRPORT.

DR. MARION COTILLARD

(waking up)

Wow, the movie's almost over already?

SOME GUY

Yes, thank God. And by the way, we traded you for a fake cure. That village of adorable Chinese kids you spent the whole movie with should be as dead as doornails by the time your plane lands at Gotham International.

DR. MARION COTILLARD

(running back to China)

I must save THE CHILDREN!

SOME GUY

How? You don't have the cure and when the kidnappers find out we gave them a placebo they are so going to murder your ass--

DR. MARION COTILLARD

(still running)

CHILDREN! MUST! SAVE! CHILDREN!

She is NEVER SEEN or HEARD FROM AGAIN.

INT. MATT DAMON'S HOUSE (JOE EVERYMAN STORY LINE)

ANNA is about to go to PROM with her BOYFRIEND who has received THE CURE, but this time MATT is okay with him.

MATT DAMON

Matt Damon is now at peace.

ALL AROUND THE WORLD life is starting to go BACK TO NORMAL.

AUDIENCE

Wow, I can't believe the movie didn't give away the origin of the virus, thus maintaining the underlying sense of terror in not knowing.

DIRECTOR STEVEN SODERBERGH

Not on my watch! Cue flashback!

EXT. CHINA FOREST - FLASHBACK

A BULLDOZER knocks over a TREE where BATS are nesting, one of which flies to a PIG FARM and SHITS all over a PIG, which a CHINESE COOK buys and SLAUGHTERS without WASHING HIS DAMN HANDS and eventually touches GWYNETH at the CASINO, thus INFECTING HER with THE DEADLY BATSHIT VIRUS.

AUDIENCE

Goddamnit.

END


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