The Abridged Script
EXT. DESERT - UNIDENTIFIED SEPIA-CLASS PLANET
INJURED VIN DIESEL limps about fighting off creatures from the ULTIMATE MADAGASCAR universe.
This would be easier if my crazy eyes didn't see this all-brown planet as an all-purple planet. Of course I have my signature goggles, which sometimes I use and sometimes I don't, depending on whether I give a fuck.
Now let's see how we got here...
INT. FLASHBACK - PLANET CONVOLUTIA
VIN is brooding on his GOTHPUNK CONAN THRONE.
Man, a whole empire to myself. This is sweet. Why would I ever leave...
It is I, your nemesis Lord Vaako, Commander in the Necromonger army! Let us craft intricate schemes regarding politics and Crematoria and prophecies and beds full of nekkid chicks and ghost Judi Dench and
...now I remember.
VIN jams the ENTIRE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK MOVIE up KARL URBAN'S ASS and then DROP-KICKS the whole sorry mess into the nearest SUN.
That's better. I have spared only you, Sphincterface, so you can take me back to my home planet of Furya! More specifically, my spare apartment at 666 Rage Street, in the City of Ang-Gore, Province of Wrathmurderdiekill. And yes, we let teenagers name everything.
(takes Vin to planet)
It is done!
Hey, this isn't Furya! It's that reject backwater world, TheFastAndThe-ia!
CORRECT!! Ha ha, I betray you with twin guns and shit!! I AM YOUR MORTAL NEMESIS NOW BWAH HA HA HA HA
(fucks right off out of movie)
EXT. BACK TO THE PRESENT
...and that, dear viewers, is the tale of the most extreme course-correction in film-franchise history. Now on with the part featuring nobody but me!
VIN hides from some ANIMALS by submerging himself in WATER then slowing his heartbeat and not breathing because RIDDICK CAN FUCKING WELL DO THAT OKAY. Then for an encore he attaches a piece of ARMOR to his BROKEN LEG by PUSHING SCREWS THROUGH IT RIGHT INTO THE BONE. At this point the leg is TOTALLY HEALED and never needs to be mentioned ever again.
Hm, the only way out of this soundstage... er, vast sprawling desert... is a tiny, narrow staircase on the far side of this small pool of water. I sure hope it isn't revealed later on that I can jump roughly twice this distance without breaking a sweat.
However a BUNCH OF SCORPION BEASTIES emerge from the POOL! VIN steals one of the BABY SCORPIONS and uses its VENOM to gradually build up an immunity over what appears to be roughly a YEAR.
Pretty sure it would have taken less time to walk around the mountain range. Ah well.
VIN returns to the pool and uses his immunity to KILL the BIG DADDY SCORPION BEASTIE. Except THEN there's an EVEN MORE BIGGER DADDIER SCORPION BEASTIE!!
Let's see, I could retreat and continue building immunity, then use the same technique to defeat this one, which would be boring. Or, I could make all that futzing around with venom seem like a complete waste of time. Hmm.
VIN CUTS THE BEASTIE OPEN while SLIDING ON HIS BACK across the ENTIRE POOL which means that the TWENTY-FOOT-TALL MONSTER and the DOZEN-PLUS OTHER MONSTERS BEFORE IT were all hiding in a TWO-INCH PUDDLE.
EXT. FLATLANDS - AKA THE TERRAIN HEX BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS
VIN spends some time EXTREME TRAINING the EXTREME DOG that he brought from the DESERT HEX.
(squinting into distance)
Uh-oh, a fierce, deadly storm is coming that we can only avoid by walking away from it.
And we're safe. BECAUSE RICHARD RIDDICK DELIVERS NON-STOP HIGH-OCTANE EXCITEMENT BABY!!
VIN finds an OUTPOST full of cool WEAPONS and TRAPS and stuff! As he explores, a MONITORING BEACON activates.
Analyzing... ALERT! RIDDICK THE RULER OF THE NECROMONGER EMPIRE HAS DECLARED WAR AND...
...ER... NO SORRY, SCRATCH THAT, I MEAN WANTED FELON AND UNDERWORLD SCUMBAG RIDDICK DETECTED! ALERT ALL MERCENARIES IN AREA!
With the considerable time and resources at his disposal, VIN turns the area around the OUTPOST into a TOTAL DEATHTRAP so that he can IMMEDIATELY KILL whoever arrives. Then, realizing that movies need to last more than TWENTY MINUTES, he DISASSEMBLES it and leaves a NOTE instead. Eventually a ship of MERCENARIES arrive that DO NOT HAVE KATEE SACKHOFF with them so WHAT THE FUCK DUDES.
Sorry. But hey, we're quirky and fun! And we callously execute our prisoners, but don't forget, quirky!
The MERCS set up a giant round CAMERA that could simply ROTATE but instead uses the far more effective METH-CRAZED RICHARD SIMMONS ON A POGO STICK technique.
There we go! Now when the SpazCam detects movement, it will emit a loud, booming signal to warn anything sneaking up on us that we're on to them. YOUR MOVE, Diesel!!
VIN responds by PLAYING D&D IN HIS TRAILER until finally KATEE SACKHOFF shows up carrying along with her ANOTHER SPACESHIP FULL OF MERCENARIES.
Who the fuck are you guys?
We're an even tougher, nastier, ornery-er group of mercs. And as you can see from our armour, we also moonlight as home-plate umpires.
We're here to get Vin Diesel for stuff he did in the first movie. I would elaborate except nobody fucking remembers anything that happened in the first movie.
Anyway, step one is to make sure Vin can't steal our spaceships. Now since there are roughly twenty of us here, we could post plenty of guards, but instead I think we should remove critical power cells from the ships so they can't fly. This has the added benefit of deactivating the laser cannons and beacons and everything useful about them.
Great idea! Next we should melt down our ammo and explode our guns and then rip our own limbs off.
They LOCK UP the ships' POWER CELLS, transforming their BEST ASSETS into TWO USELESS LUMPS OF METAL. Then the GIANT COMBINED SQUAD OF MERCS who are all KEENLY AWARE of VIN DIESEL'S night-vision abilities decide to HUNT HIM AT NIGHT.
Nothing like establishing a super-mountable challenge for the nigh-invincible hero.
VIN starts KILLING MERCS until their numbers have gone from TOO MANY TO KEEP TRACK OF down to JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP TRACK OF, and then STOPS because who knows, maybe SCANDAL was on.
INT. OUTPOST - THE NEXT MORNING
VIN switches to INTIMIDATING the MERCS by doing a bunch of FRIDAY THE 13TH menacing shots that the other characters DON'T EVEN NOTICE. Meanwhile the mercenaries BICKER and ARGUE and basically spend some time NOT USING UP THE BUDGET.
Let's tell some rape and lesbian jokes to demonstrate how adult and edgy this movie is!
I guess so long we keep it character- and story-motivated, we should avoid falling into trashy-exploitation territory.
Oh hey, it's time for my topless shower scene.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE OUTPOST
A MERCENARY goes to dick around on a spaceship, unaware that VIN DIESEL is perched leisurely on top of it!
This hiding spot is awesome as long as nobody stands more than ten feet away from the ship. Now to take a peek inside using the mirror I stole from Katee while she and her boobs were showering, since the best time to steal something is just before its owner is about to use it. And has naked boobs. And of course I needed the mirror since I couldn't possibly have stuck my head into the ship BEFORE the guy got on board, even though I was here first.
I like boobs.
VIN cleverly uses the mirror to see the POWER CELL is missing, which he also could have learned by looking at the OTHER SHIP which has nobody on it.
The MERCS find another CRYPTIC NOTE.
It says "I didn't not fail to omit to not forget to anti-steal the power cells. Sincerely, Vin." Damn, this'll take WEEKS to decode!
He's toying with us! There's no way Vin got into our super-secure, booby-trapped locker.
I dunno man. Vin is so awesome and powerful that he could have already killed us all, taken the cells, then rebuilt us from raw atoms and given us false memories, just to trick us into blowing ourselves up.
So either the cells are still in there, and it's a bluff to get us to open the locker; OR, he took the cells, and instead of immediately stealing one of the ships, he left us a note about it and ran off?
Yeah, both scenarios seem equally likely. Better open the locker.
Fine. Hey look, the power cells are still there!!
We got lucky this time. To be more secure let's put the power cells in this Purolater package that says "RUSH DELIVERY TO VIN DIESEL'S HIDEOUT" on it.
MATT and JORDI meet up with VIN.
So now I have the power cells. Normally I would kill you all and leave, but that would involve taking the most direct course of action to my goal, which would be silly. Instead let's broker a deal that involves me giving you back a power cell. I suppose I could have just left you one and then waited, but this way I'm out in the open.
Yeah, about that. Go Katie!
From a distance away, KATEE uses her SNIPER RIFLE to shoot VIN with a HORSE TRANQUILIZER. But VIN puffs his VEINS out which NEUTRALIZES it!
Then KATEE shoots VIN with a BULL ELEPHANT TRANQUILIZER which he absorbs by GRITTING HIS TEETH.
Then KATEE fires up a GATTLING GUN full of GALACTUS DEVOURER OF WORLDS TRANQUILIZERS and PERFORATES VIN'S ENTIRE BODY with it which makes him A LITTLE SLEEPY. Finally JORDI kills the DOG which hits VIN RIGHT IN THE FEELS and he passes out.
VIN DIESEL wakes up in CHAINS, briefly considers waiting TWELVE YEARS to try and get an OSCAR NOMINATION, but decides better of it.
Looks like it's my turn to start making rape jokes about Katie. I mean, I wouldn't want to seem TOO much unlike a detestable asshole.
Dammit Vin! Give me the resolution nobody needs to the events nobody remembers!!
I could, but maybe you should worry about that big storm coming in.
By "worry" do you mean "drive our hoverbikes out of its path, wait for it to pass, then come back"? Because we could totally do that, easy.
MY BOOT WILL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN!!!
VIN KICKS JORDI right across the room! JORDI'S SWORD goes FLYING UPWARDS and jams in the CEILING!
Oof! That was quite a hard kick. Gonna need to catch my breath a second.
The SWORD falls and VIN catches it with his FOOT!
Hey, nice catch. Impressive motor control to be able to...
VIN takes a moment to BALANCE the sword.
Hm, wonder what he's planning to do with that.
VIN flips the SWORD up and then KICKS it so it FLIES TOWARDS JORDI!
Oh man, that's heading directly at my neck. Well maybe something will stop it before...
It SLICES HIS HEAD RIGHT THE FUCK OFF!
Just then BEASTIES attack the OUTPOST, grabbing BOKEEM!
You know, I really had hoped to contribute to this movie in some way.
(is torn apart)
The OTHER CHARACTERS manage to get inside one of the SPACESHIPS!
Suppose we could ride out the storm from in here.
No way, this reinforced hull will be just as flimsy as the paperthin outpost walls, I'm sure! We must get the power cells right now!
Wait, I've got an idea. If you're right about nobody remembering Pitch Black, that means we can do entire scenes from it all over again!
VIN and MATT and THE OBLIGATORY GUY WHO'S BEEN BIDING HIS TIME BEFORE ATTEMPTING AN ILL-FATED DOUBLE-CROSS THAT EARNS HIM A VIOLENT DEATH make their way through a PITCH BLACK MONTAGE with their FUTURE ANTI-GRAV MOTORCYCLES. You've already figured out what happens to OBLIGATORY GUY.
ARRGH, we got the cells, but I've been badly hurt!
I'll either leave you to die or go for help, but not say which. Suspense!
Damn, now the beasties have me trapped on this high cliff with no way out. It's not like I could just fall off and survive like I did at the beginning of the movie oh wait.
But suddenly ALL THE BEASTIES get TOTALLY FRAGGED with PLASMA-GUN FIRE or ELECTRIC SNOTBALLS or something, because MATT and KATIE came back with the SHIP! MATT AND VIN BFF 4EVER YAAAAYYY!!!!
(being lowered on rope)
Quick, grab my crotch with your crotch!
Yes, we're back to save you! Turns out that having a fully-powered ship makes surviving this planet fuckdiculously easy. Probably should have spent all this time just hovering and shooting things until we got you. But hey, hindsight is 20/20, right? No offence.
None taken. Well now that we've resolved those lingering issues that nobody cared about, I guess we can be on our separate ways.
Any clues about what's next for Riddick?
I was thinking I might continue alternating gritty action with ludicrous batshit insanity, so the leading candidate for Riddick 4 is to grow a third arm and fight intergalactic disco cake thieves. All while searching for my home planet Furya, the location of which is only known BY--
No thanks, I already know what being in a Box Office mediocrity feels like.