CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
The Abridged Script
INT. FRENCH PRISON
TOM HANKS talks to LEONARDO DICAPRIO, who is sick and has a beard that he could never grow if GANGS OF NEW YORK is any indication.
You have been caught for your crimes. I'd be happy, but I am incapable of feeling joy.
It is clear from this scene that I eventually get my comeuppance, so the following story of my life of crime may be cast off as youthful mischief with no repercussions. This allows me to be likeable, in spite of my obnoxious, sociopathic acts.
INT. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN'S HOME - YEARS EARLIER
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN dances with his BORING WIFE CHARACTER and interacts creepily with his son, LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
I love my family, in an unnerving sort of way. I set an example for my son by performing small cons to get what I want.
But your cons never work. You're losing all of your money.
BORING WIFE CHARACTER
It's worse than that son, he's losing his wife, too. I'm leaving him for another man. Being in this family reminds me too much of that show Growing Pains.
(shaking fists at sky)
No! Why, God, why? I must immediately turn to crime, incapable of handling this as well as the millions of other children of divorced parents.
He runs away and tries to get some money and live on his own.
EXT. THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SPIELBERG'S SENSE OF NOSTALGIA
LEONARDO tries to get money from a bank.
Sorry, but we can't help you, since you don't have an account with us.
Perhaps I could try my father's clever necklace trick on you in an awkward and forced manner.
The trick FAILS, and NEVER WORKS on ANYONE.
Dammit! It's impossible for a man to make an honest living in this country!
But you aren't trying to make an honest living. And you aren't a man. What right do you have to complain?
Shut up. I'm going to pretend to be a pilot, then people will respect me and give me whatever I want. And if not, I'll throw a tantrum.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO gets a pilot outfit and starts cashing fake checks.
Wait, I'm supposed to believe that these people actually think you're an adult? You don't look a day over 16!
Actually, in real life, I'm 29.
Really? Don't worry sonny, puberty will hit someday.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO flies all around the country, cashing fake checks and pissing off TOM HANKS and his USELESS TAGALONGS.
Stupid bland role... No way I can win an academy award for this... Lousy Spielberg...
TOM eventually finds LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
I'm FBI agent Barry Allen. You don't want to arrest me.
Inexplicably, I will believe you.
Wait a minute.. Barry Allen... That's the secret identify of The Flash! Specifically, Silver Age flash!
He reads comic books! This means I'm chasing a kid! Either that, or a loser.
TOM HANKS accomplishes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING until LEONARDO calls him.
I have called you to give you a hint, because deep down I want to be caught. This indicates that my crime spree is really just a cry for help and I am not a total delinquent, allowing me to continue being the protagonist. Please catch me and become my new father figure.
Aww, How sad. Rest assured, If it weren't for Steven Spielberg's overbearing, matter-of-fact direction I may actually have been able to conjure up an emotion just now
LEONARDO gets bored of safely screwing airline companies and decides to put peoples lives at risk by impersonating a doctor.
I am finally feeling a sense of fulfillment now that I hold peoples lives in my careless hands. I think I'm ready to buckle down and marry someone.
Hi. I won TeenBeat's "Win a movie role with Leonardo DiCaprio" contest. Marry me, my father plays the president on television.
Holy shit, you're one of the Bush daughters?
Eventually, LEONARDO is CAUGHT.
JUST KIDDING. LEONARDO escapes his captor and finds his mother, who has made a decent life for herself by contributing to what must be some serious women issues for LEONARDO. He is caught again, and he goes to PRISON.
JUST KIDIDNG. TOM HANKS visits LEONARDO in prison.
Look at me, Tom. I look more like a girl than most girls. I'm a walking cum bucket here. You've got to get me out.
Well, I can get you a job working for me, helping catch people who commit the same sort of crimes you did. It'll make you a raging hypocrite, since your crimes were considered childhood whimsy and undeserving of severe punish--
I'll do it!
LEONARDO comes to work for TOM HANKS.
JUST KIDDING. LEONARDO considers escaping, but eventually realizes he has no where to go, and nobody who loves him anywhere except in a government office, and he comes back to TOM HANKS. This is DEPRESSING, but it is passed off as ENDEARING and MEANINGFUL.
JUST KIDDING. We are also treated to an obnoxious text epilogue.
Leonardo went on to become one of the foremost experts at check forgery, and he has written many books, one of which was the inspiration for the very movie you wasted part of your life just watching. He makes millions of dollars now, which goes to prove that an honest man CAN make a living, as long as he first makes a dishonest one and then writes books about it.