"Why are you casting magic missile, there's nothing to attack here!"


"Why are you casting magic missile, there's nothing to attack here!"

THE A-TEAM

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. MEXICO

QUINTON JACKSON is driving a SOCCER MOM'S VAN down a random desert road. Suddenly, he is accosted by LIAM NEESON.

QUINTON JACKSON

Leave me alone, I swear I didn't kidnap your daughter, foo!

LIAM NEESON

Listen, my plan requires a black guy with a mohawk, do you plan on helping me with my plan?

QUINTON JACKSON

Foo, I tried to grow a mohawk but it came out looking like this!

LIAM NEESON

It's good enough, you make up for it with the maze of pubic hair all over your face. Plan, ho!

They rescue BRADLEY COOPER as he makes SARCASTIC QUIPS about FUCKING EVERYTHING. They then make their way to a hospital.

LIAM NEESON

The next phase of my plan needs a pilot. I plan to find one here.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Well, I'm a pilot, but you should also know I once used a defibrillator on a car.

LIAM NEESON

Har har, sounds like you're my kind of guy!

SHARLTO COPLEY

Um, a retard?

LIAM, QUINTON, BRADLEY, and SHARLTO take a HELICOPTER and FUCK the LAWS OF PHYSICS in the ASS for a bit. BAD GUYS get killed.

BRADLEY COOPER

So now that we're all together, we should probably spend some time developing our characters rather than jumping straight to the next action--

EXT. IRAQ - 8 YEARS LATER

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh come on! 8 years?!

JESSICA BIEL approaches them.

JESSICA BIEL

Nice to see you again, Bradley. Since we're the two most attractive members of the cast, naturally we have a sexual history.

BRADLEY COOPER

Naturally. And now you outrank me, a fact that I will ignore as I completely fail to salute you or show you even a modicum of respect.

JESSICA BIEL

Listen, we're in the final days of the American withdrawal from Iraq and--

BRADLEY COOPER

The what? When the hell does this movie take place? Where's my flying car and sex robot?

JESSICA BIEL

Anyway, I need you and your team to stay the hell out of Bagdhad. And especially don't try and steal back engraving plates if someone asks you to within the next ten seconds!

Meanwhile, PATRICK WILSON talks to LIAM NEESON.

PATRICK WILSON

Liam, the CIA needs your help. Some of Saddam Hussein's former men have engraving plates for American currency that they stole. They plan on using them to print billions of dollars in unbacked American currency.

LIAM NEESON

Oh no, the worst thing American currency can be is unbacked! I plan to retrieve them for you!

LIAM and his TEAM prepare to steal the PLATES.

LIAM NEESON

Alright, here's the plan I've planned. Quinton, you blow a bunch of shit up. Sharlto, you yell a bunch of crazy shit while blowing other stuff up. Bradley, you try to stick your wang in everything with a vagina.

They follow the PLAN and get back the plates.

LIAM NEESON

Ah, I love it when a plan plans together! Wait, the plan planfired!

Suddenly, the WRONG THINGS EXPLODE, which makes LIAM, QUINTON, BRADLEY, and SHARLTO look like CRIMINALS so they go to PRISON while BRIAN BLOOM gets the PLATES.

JESSICA BIEL

Bradley, even though I've known you intimately for years, I completely believe that you would have murdered a military general and attempted to start a counterfeiting ring. Enjoy prison, asshole!

BRADLEY COOPER

Is this because I gave you herpes?

QUINTON JACKSON

Prison has softened me, I'm giving up violence and taking a vow of only eating balls, foo!

SHARLTO COPLEY

Don't tell Patrick Wilson, it's a sensitive subject.

Everyone BREAKS OUT of PRISON in INCREASINGLY IDIOTIC WAYS.

QUINTON JACKSON

What now, foos?

BRADLEY COOPER

Well, the audience is expecting one over-the-top action scene after another, so we just need to come up with something completely ridiculous in order to trick them into thinking their depressingly low expectations were met.

LIAM NEESON

I've got a plan! According to the script, we're going to drive a tank in the air by shooting parallel to the ground.

SHARLTO COPLEY

You guys got a script? I just got an index card that says "be a wanker." Aardvarks lick fluffy jellybeans! Zoobadoobadoobadooby!

LIAM and CREW steal the engraving plates back from BRIAN BLOOM. LIAM calls PATRICK WILSON.

LIAM NEESON

Patrick, my plan worked, I got the plates back. When do you plan to come pick them up?

PATRICK WILSON

Actually I'm going to double-cross you while making references to Call of Duty and saying words like "awesome" so that the 14-year-old audience considers me cool enough to be a worthy villain.

BRADLEY COOPER

What? You're like twenty seconds away from getting the plates and you're going to try and kill us? What kind of plan is that?!

PATRICK WILSON

LOL YOU JUST GOT PWND NOOBFAG!

Amazingly, the super-capable ex-military team that defeated an army of Iraqis and effortlessly escaped from prison survives PATRICK'S half-assed bombing attempt.

EXT. CONTAINER PORT

LIAM, BRADLEY, QUINTON, and SHARLTO try to hatch a PLAN.

LIAM NEESON

Patrick Wilson and his team will be here any minute for those plates. We need to plan a plan, fast!

BRADLEY COOPER

Alright. We'll set off a series of fireworks, blow up a bunch of containers, and flip a handful of sports cars.

QUINTON JACKSON

You think that'll distract Patrick long enough, foo?

BRADLEY COOPER

Patrick? I'm just trying to keep the audience distracted enough to stop texting each other for ten goddamn minutes.

Lots of SHIT gets BLOWN THE FUCK UP. PATRICK is captured by JESSICA BIEL.

JESSICA BIEL

Sorry guys, but you're still under arrest for escaping from the prisons where you were serving time for the charges that have now been dropped.

BRADLEY COOPER

It's okay, I have the key to our handcuffs in between my brilliantly whitened teeth!

LIAM NEESON

Ha! I plan it when plan plan plans planplanther!

SHARLTO COPLEY

(drools)

QUINTON JACKSON

Treat your mother right, foo!

NARRATOR

Still wasted by the studio,

they survive as soldiers of nostalgia.

If you have ten bucks,

And Inception still isn't out yet,

And if you can sit through it,

Maybe you can tolerate...

THE A-TEAM!

END

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