The Abridged Script
Expert WOLF SLAYER LIAM NEESON is about to BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT.
LIAM’S WIFE (V.O.)
But Liam, there are so many more wolves you haven’t killed yet.
(removing gun from mouth)
You’re right sweetheart. My thirst for the blood of wolves remains unquenchable. I shall kill them all.
LIAM finds an INNOCENT WOLF and KILLS it OFF SCREEN.
WTF? Where’s the wolf boxing? GIVE US SOME WOLF BOXING!
LIAM flies away on the SAUSAGE FEST EXPRESS.
I really hope this plane doesn’t crash.
But IT DOES and LIAM DIES.
I have come to collect your soul, Liam.
Take one step closer and I’ll make you eat that fucking scythe.
Okay okay. Jesus.
EXT. CRASH SITE
LIAM comes back to LIFE and gathers the other SIX SURVIVORS.
Well it looks like I’m the only recognizable actor here so that means I’m in charge.
That’s bullshit! I’m just as big a star as you are, Liam! I was on Guiding Light! And Prison Break! And I played two different characters on Law & Order: SVU! Audiences love me! Right guys?
Well fuck you, Liam! I will challenge your leadership by being a cocky and annoying bastard to the point of the audience wishing a gruesome death upon me!
Fine. In the meantime let’s gather up all these dead bodies for food. The butt is where all the good meat is you know.
That night LIAM and the SURVIVORS are approached by the ALPHA WOLF.
Greetings, Liam. At last we meet.
Wait, what movie am I in? This isn’t Breaking Dawn is it?
Ugh, don’t even mention that. We get enough shit over those movies as it is. My pack of wolves are the reason why you’re here. We sabotaged your plane!
Remember that wolf you killed at the beginning? He was our father and now we want revenge!
Bring it on motherfucker.
(to his pack)
Alright everybody open your eyes!
LIAM and the SURVIVORS are suddenly surrounded by FLASHLIGHTS.
Yes! We’re saved! Hey waaaaait a minute those aren’t flashlights! They’re wolves!
The fuck? Since when do wolves have LED’s for eyes?
Hold on, so were the other wolves really just standing around in the dark with their eyes closed until they got the “open eyes” signal? That doesn’t make sense to me.
Everybody get up right now and stare down the wolves!
The WOLVES are about to attack!
Hell yeah! We’re about to see some Grade AA+ wolf punching! Here it comes!
The WOLVES back THE FUCK OFF and LEAVE.
No! Hey! Come back here! Hey!
The next day LIAM and the others discover the WOLVES have eaten a NAMELESS SURVIVOR.
Jesus, they went straight for his ass. There’s nothing left for the rest of us to eat.
What do we do now?
Well there’s nothing around here except those woods over there so let’s head for them! I’m sure the wolves came from a completely different direction!
I guess this is a good time to steal all the dead guys’s wallets!
I will beat the living fuck out of anyone who tries to take these wallets!
(steals the wallets HIMSELF)
LIAM leads the SURVIVORS toward the WOODS.
Trust me guys, it’s going to be smooth sailing from here on!
Not if I freeze your balls off first.
Another NAMELESS SURVIVOR falls behind and becomes PUPPY CHOW.
HELP! THEY’RE EATING MY ASS! OH GOD NOT MY ASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Attention humans! We only want the wolf murderer Liam! Give him to us and we shall let the rest of you go free!
Sorry, we didn’t catch that. What did he say, Liam?
Uh... nothing. Let’s keep moving.
LIAM and the SURVIVORS build a FIRE.
This seems like the perfect time to remind everyone how much of a sexist macho asshole I am so that the audience doesn’t feel sorry for me when I give the wolves indigestion. Fight me Liam!
(punches DERMOT instead)
OW! WHAT THE HELL MAN?!
You thought I was really going to fight Liam Neeson? I might be an asshole but I don’t have a death wish.
(tries to eat FRANK)
Yes! It’s taken a whole hour but FINALLY! Time for some WOLF PUNCHING!
LIAM pokes the WOLF with a stick and it DIES.
LIAM and the SURVIVORS eat the WOLF.
Mmmm, wolf ass. There is no greater taste.
BTW, I’d like to take this moment to act the shit out of everyone by reciting a poem my father wrote and to hopefully make film historians forget that I was in a board game later this same year.
Indeed. And I would like to take this moment to freeze to death.
And then there were four.
Look! There are trees on the other side of the canyon! We can totally power jump our way over there!
Not without breaking your damn necks.
Fuck you physics.
Yeah fuck you physics. Why do you always have to be such a Debbie Downer?
They construct a ZIP-LINE out of PURE BULLSHIT and DALLAS safely makes the impossible leap across the CANYON. Having just been seriously VIOLATED, PHYSICS CRIES.
LIAM, FRANK and DERMOT prepare to use the ZIP-LINE to get across.
I hear in situations like these the last guy to try and make it over is usually the one who dies.
(realizes LIAM and FRANK have already made it across)
DERMOT tries to make it across the ZIP-LINE and WACKY HIJINKS ensue. The ZIP-LINE breaks. DERMOT slams into a TREE and RAGDOLLS his way to the ground.
I’m still alive! I can’t believe it! Wait, I see a bright white light. Is that my life flashing before my eyes?
No, its my teeth. These Crest Whitening Strips make them really shiny and reflective.
Hey didn’t we just hop over an entire canyon to get away from you? How the fuck did you beat us over here? Have wolves mastered teleportation?
So. You humans have finally figured out our greatest secret.
Holy shit, I’m right? I must tell the others!
(putting on a bib)
Yeah, about that...
The WOLVES surround DERMOT and EAT HIS ASS. Not “his ass” as in HIS ACTUAL ASS, “his ass” meaning a general term for his ENTIRE BODY.
Including HIS ASS.
That’s it. A man can only witness so much ass eating before he gives up all hope. I’m ready to die now.
Fine by me.
LIAM and DALLAS leave FRANK to DIE ALONE.
(looking at watch)
Can somebody tell us when the fucking wolf boxing is going to happen? All this sentimental drama bullshit is making us restless!
Liam, I knew you were planning to kill yourself that night before the plane crash.
And you didn’t stop me?
It was really chilly that night and I didn’t want to catch a cold.
You would make a horrible Suicide Prevention Hotline operator.
WOLVES magically APPEAR.
No way am I becoming wolf food! I’d rather be fish food instead!
The WOLVES magically DISAPPEAR.
Curse you wolves and your inconsistent teleporting powers!
LIAM wanders deep into the WOODS.
Hmm. I was so caught up in making this wallet fort that I didn’t realize I’ve walked right into the wolves den!
The ALPHA WOLF approaches wearing a YELLOW JUMPSUIT and holding a HANZO SWORD.
You and I have unfinished business.
Would you mind just standing there while I tape this knife and these miniature liquor bottles to my hands?
Oh sure, take all the time you need. I will growl at you patiently until you’re ready.
LIAM’S WIFE (V.O.)
But Liam! That wolf will kill you! Then you won’t be able to come back to me!
Sorry to break this to you honey, but you’re dead.
LIAM’S WIFE (V.O.)
Oh. Right. I am. How did I miss that?
I shall leave this world the same way I entered it: punching wolves in the face.
LIAM and the ALPHA WOLF are about to FIGHT!
Yes! Finally! It took THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE but we’re about to get what we paid for! What the trailer promised us! Here it comes! Prepare for wolf boxing in 5, 4, 3, 2...