The Abridged Script
EXT. DENIS MENOCHET'S FARM - FRANCE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.
I'd like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.
Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?
I would! Now, rumor has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?
Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy's house and kill the people he is hiding!
They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.
Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?
DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!
EXT. ROADSIDE - FRANCE
BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.
Now, ya Nazi varmint, I'd like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.
Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!
NOT ED HARRIS
Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.
Actually, don't do that either. Just don't do anything. Do zero things.
Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a'course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.
NOT ED HARRIS
You don't frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.
Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?
NOT ED HARRIS
(killed with baseball bat)
BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.
Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we're a-gonna let ya go. But first, we're gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you're a Nazi.
Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.
I'm impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino's usual obsession with cinema.
The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATER.
God dammit. I hope that's just some irrelevant character detail.
Hey, I like your movie theater. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the setpiece for the film's climax.
DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.
Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar...
Don't bother, Daniel. I know who you are.
Man, you fuck one goat...
Not that, I just won't be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.
At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theater.
Please don't find it in any way suspicious that I'm going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.
MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.
Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theater. Let's burn it to the ground!
Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!
Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn't that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!
INT. ESTATE - ENGLAND
MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.
Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the premiere of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you're Mike Myers, aren't you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?
(Austin Powers accent)
Guess not. Let's just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.
INT. BAR - FRANCE
DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.
So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it's a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.
Yep. You'll use your fame to get me and my friend into the premiere where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.
Er, isn't your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.
Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.
It's been a while since one of Tarantino's obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?
Das klingt gut!
There's a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.
Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let's go ahead with it anyway. We're going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!
So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it's just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?
All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the premiere in a robotic mech suit, I'm going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - FRANCE
HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.
This movie is terrible. It's just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.
Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you've got Tarantino's next movie!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.
It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!
Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It's already been like two hours.
I think the problem is that Tarantino's usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.
In any case, I've decided to surrender.
Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?
No trick. Giving up. That's how the movie ends.
Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?
Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.
MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he's SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.
Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.
Because Hitler is dead?
Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.
Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the lion's share of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com