Inglourious Basterds: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Oct 28th, 2009 |
47 Comments
| Movie: 
Hitler grows angry when he discovers that he is STILL being compared to U.S. politicians.
FADE IN:
EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.
DENIS MENOCHET
Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I would! Now, rumor has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?
DENIS MENOCHET
No.
(pause)
Uh, maybe.
(pause)
Yeah.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!
They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.
DENIS MENOCHET
Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!
EXT. ROADSIDE – FRANCE
BRAD PITT and his team of ENGLAWREEYUS BASSTURDS interrogate some NAZI SOLDIERS, including NOT ED HARRIS.
BRAD PITT
Now, ya Nazi varmint, I’d like to introduce you to my team. Guy from The Office. Short kid from Freaks and Geeks. Gigolo from that Rob Schneider movie.
ELI ROTH
Eli Roth knocks it out of the park two hits I hit you you hit the ground!
NOT ED HARRIS
Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man.
(pause)
Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things.
BRAD PITT
Now, Eli here is gonna do some incredibly violent shit to create some footage we can use to make unbelievably misleading trailers for this movie. Unless a’course you want to tell us where the rest of the German extras are hiding.
NOT ED HARRIS
You don’t frighten me. Not even Quentin Tarantino would shamelessly exploit World War II simply to create a group of one-dimensional villains simply to justify the glorification of torture and brutality.
ELI ROTH
Do you think anyone would tolerate a Quentin Tarantino gabfest unless it had a fuckton of comical violence?
NOT ED HARRIS
Oh shi–
(killed with baseball bat)
BRAD asks another NAZI for information and GETS IT.
BRAD PITT
Thank ya for yer cooperation, varmint. Now, we’re a-gonna let ya go. But first, we’re gonna carve a swastika into your forehead so everyone knows you’re a Nazi.
NAZI SOLDIER
Oh no. Anything but that. I sure hope nobody invents plastic surgery a long time ago.
AUDIENCE
I’m impressed so far. This movie seems devoid of Tarantino’s usual obsession with cinema.
The GIRL who escaped earlier grows up to become MELANIE LAURENT, and she owns a MOVIE THEATER.
AUDIENCE
God dammit. I hope that’s just some irrelevant character detail.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Hey, I like your movie theater. You should show my new Nazi propaganda film and it can be the setpiece for the film’s climax.
AUDIENCE
Arrrgghhhhhhh!
DANIEL continues flirting with MELANIE.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Hey baby. So, a Rabbi, a Rabbi, and a Rabbi walk into a bar…
MELANIE LAURENT
Don’t bother, Daniel. I know who you are.
DANIEL BRUEHL
Man, you fuck one goat…
MELANIE LAURENT
Not that, I just won’t be desperate enough to date a Nazi for at least 200 more pounds.
DANIEL BRUEHL
At least try and let me win you over by inviting a whole bunch of other Nazis, including Hitler, into your theater.
MELANIE LAURENT
Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis.
MELANIE goes to see her boyfriend, JACKY IDO.
MELANIE LAURENT
Jacky, Hitler is going to watch a movie in our theater. Let’s burn it to the ground!
JACKY IDO
Great idea! We can use all of the nitrate films in your collection!
MELANIE LAURENT
Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!
Meanwhile…
INT. ESTATE – ENGLAND
MICHAEL FASSBENDER enters to explain a recent military discovery to BRITISH OFFICERS.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Sir, it seems that Hitler will be attending the premiere of a movie in France. This would be a perfect opportunity for an oh my God you’re Mike Myers, aren’t you? Are you trying to be taken seriously again?
MIKE MYERS
(Austin Powers accent)
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Guess not. Let’s just move on to the assassination plot and never see you again.
INT. BAR – FRANCE
DIANE KRUGER meets with some INNGLOWRIAZ BAZTOWARDS.
DIANE KRUGER
So your plan is to kill Hitler while he watches the movie? This is a great idea, it’s a good thing nobody else is planning to assassinate him on that night or this entire subplot would be completely pointless.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER
Yep. You’ll use your fame to get me and my friend into the premiere where we can totally shoot Hitler in the face like a bazillion times.
DIANE KRUGER
Er, isn’t your friend the guy that the movie went out of its way to show as being infamous among Germans for killing Nazis? Your plan sucks.
Suddenly, NAZI MAJOR AUGUST DIEHL sits down with them.
AUGUST DIEHL
It’s been a while since one of Tarantino’s obnoxious trademarks. How about a Mexican Standoff, everyone?
DIANE KRUGER
Das klingt gut!
There’s a SHOOTOUT and ALMOST EVERYONE DIES.
BRAD PITT
Alright Diane. Our plan is clearly fucked now, but let’s go ahead with it anyway. We’re going to totally kill the shit out of Hitler!
DIANE KRUGER
So this movie is basically just like Valkyrie except that instead of being an exaggerated tribute to real-life heroics, it’s just a bunch of comic book fantasy bullshit, right?
ELI ROTH
All I know is, if Hitler shows up to the premiere in a robotic mech suit, I’m going to start looking for the floppy disks to my Wolfenstein level editor.
INT. MOVIE THEATER – FRANCE
HITLER and GOEBBELS take their seats and watch DANIEL BRUEHL shoot a BUNCH OF AMERICANS.
HITLER
This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.
GOEBBELS
Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!
HITLER
Hey-oooo!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ kidnaps BRAD PITT and BJ NOVAK while ELI ROTH stays behind to RUIN MORE OF THE MOVIE.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
It looks like the tables have turned, gentlemen! I know all about your plot!
BRAD PITT
Holy Christ is this movie still going on? It’s already been like two hours.
BJ NOVAK
I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
In any case, I’ve decided to surrender.
BRAD PITT
Aww, what dirty trick do you have up your sleeve?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
No trick. Giving up. That’s how the movie ends.
BJ NOVAK
Until the surprise ending where you double-cross us and we have to fight you, right?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Nope. Done. Movie over. Have a safe drive home, everyone.
MELANIE and JACKY set the building on fire and HITLER is burned but also SHOT just to make sure he’s SUPER-DUPER-DEAD.
BJ NOVAK
Huh. We won kind of. I guess the mission was a total success.
BRAD PITT
Because Hitler is dead?
BJ NOVAK
Hitler? Dude, Eli Roth is toast. No Cabin Fever 2. Score.
END
I see what you did there
October 28th, 2009 at 1:53 pm<flick> Whoo! Satisfying!
<tap tap> OK, how long until the next one?
October 28th, 2009 at 2:32 pm“Do zero things.”
Lol, agreed!
October 28th, 2009 at 8:00 amHITLER
This movie is terrible. It’s just a bunch of over the top violence with absolutely nothing to say.
GOEBBELS
Yeah. Add some pop culture references and you’ve got Tarantino’s next movie!
HITLER
Hey-oooo!
This is the reason I hated this movie. Except minus the violence and add boring useless dialogue.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:20 pmCabin Fever 2 is already completed. Sorry. But, at least Roth had nothing to do with it.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:25 pmAwesome script. This movie was incredibly overrated and lasted at least 2 hours too long.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:45 pm"I think the problem is that Tarantino’s usual abundance of dialogue is now in German, so all of the words take like 40% longer to say."
Golf clap. Score.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:29 pmAs it's been pointed out, there is a "Cabin Fever 2", and it has a title from one of those direct-to-video, Italian-produced, teen romp skin flicks from the late 80s:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0961722/
It goes without saying, every abridged script is a great abridged script.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:21 pmClassic. I loved the movie, but I love making fun of it even more.
October 28th, 2009 at 5:32 pm"Because nitrate films are extremely flammable! Isn’t that super fascinating to everyone who is Quentin Tarantino and absolutely nobody else?!"
Tarantino films cannot be separated from Tarantino because of shit like this. His super self-aware trademarks are really grating after a while.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:13 amRod, did you forget to bring the funny. Scripts have kinda been going down hill…
October 29th, 2009 at 12:14 pmMichael Fassbender was the best part about this film. I was thoroughly enjoying his upper-crust British spy antics right up until he got shot to shit and the Yankee stereotypes took over again.
It seems implicit in your script that you feel the same way, Rod (mainly because he's the only character you don't roast).
October 29th, 2009 at 1:21 pmC'mon, Cabin Fever was a great movie!
October 29th, 2009 at 2:00 pmQuentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds (are in it for 30 minutes).
He wants his scalps I think.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:41 pmDon't listen to the haters, Rod. They're just Tarantino fanboys. And although I'm sure you probably like his movies too, I don't, so I'm happy to read your script anyway. And it WAS funny:
"Eli Roth? Are you acting, is that what that was? You should just stick to directing, man. (pause) Actually, don’t do that either. Just don’t do anything. Do zero things."
You said it! I may intensely dislike Tarantino, but Eli Roth… I wish he would die in a bonfire made from all the evidence that he and his movies ever existed.
Anyway, I enjoyed chuckling at the script. Boy, I hate movies like this.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:13 pmI loved the movie, but this script is very funny and spot on. Nice job!
October 30th, 2009 at 2:13 am"MIKE MYERS
(Austin Powers accent)"
thank you god for Rod's Abridged Scripts.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:32 amThe name's Myers, Mike Myers, baby. (Not Meyers)
October 30th, 2009 at 4:44 amOoh, the Coming Soon now has movies that aren't even out yet. Ambitious!
October 30th, 2009 at 10:26 amDidn't like this script originally Rod, but read it again, and am now growing to like it. Especially this line: "Please don’t find it in any way suspicious that I’m going along with your plan despite clearly hating Nazis." A plot hole that escaped my attention in the cinema.
Although you could have singled out Brad Pitt's final line: "I think this might just be my masterpiece", which just about everyone believes to be Tarantino's comment to the audience about the film! I know he sometimes feels the need to get back as his critics, but…pretentious, or what? The ridiculousness of Diane Kruger's cover (her explanation of her cast) could also have been mentioned, I suppose…as cool as the scene where she was busted by Christophe Waltz was, it did show that Tarantino was too pleased with himself.
As an aside:
Easy to understand why you waited until now to abridge IB – both of my favourite critics gave it maximum marks, and when I exited the cinema I knew I'd been ready to do the same but for the slightly dragged out ending. But then, I, and those two, felt virtually the same way about The Dark Knight, didn't we? That, and not everybody liked IB:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2009/aug/19/inglou...
My personal opinion of Tarantino is that, well, he's hit and miss. But when he's good, he's excellent. Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown and Kill Bill Vol. 1 are good (and occasionally brilliant), Reservoir Dogs is terrific, but Kill Bill Vol.2…gah. I'd given up on him at that point.
Then I watched Death Proof with friends. Loved it. Ditto with IB. It seems that the lower my expectations, the better the Tarantino film. And hey, this one introduced me to Christoph Waltz and Melanie Laurent, so it can't be all bad, can it?
October 30th, 2009 at 6:25 pmGreat script, especially the evisceration of Eli Roth, who was about as intimidating as Cookie Monster.
Jesus tapdancing Christ.
Tarantino is like my neighbor kid who wants to play at killing everything, won’t shut up, and is 12.
If anything ever needed to be abridged, it was this gaseous long-winded piece of blood-lust fantasy horseshit.
(And what’s next for Mike Myers? Maybe at this point, sweet, sweet death?)
Anyway. Excellent work, sir.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:08 pmIn the light of day, perhaps I was too harsh. And I see you gave it four stars.
Um, let's see. Diane Kruger looked good.
Nope. Still hated it.
P.S. [rant about bad Southern accents in movies]
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:23 pmI love how most of the comments are always irrelevant. Satire used for the sake of comedy people. It is funny but I surmise it isn't Rods opinion of the movie because he gave the movie 4/5 stars. I'd say that's quite positive. Stop taking the scripts to heart. Good script, good movie but not without flaws. @ Ryan, haha thats hilarious.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:07 pmI like it when you guys automatically act as if everything he abridges is obviously a bad film, you're just like the horrible side of Yahtzee's fan base :)
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:24 pmNotice the 4/5, and I doubt that many of you previously hated it.
… Gaaaaah… I. Just. Can't. I can't get behind any Tarantino films. I've tried. I've seen them. I've tried to look at them through the eyes of those who preach Tarantino's awesome film-making abilities.
Each of his movies i see, halfway through i think "Surely something's about to happen that will make this movie get so much better, right?" and then at the end I'm left thinking something along the lines of "Well… THAT was horseshit."
Like, honestly? I saw Kill bill. I didn't really like it. But stupidly, I gave vol. 2 a chance. Hoping it would somehow redeem vol. 1. Of course, it was horeshit.
So I think despite the fact that MY ratings typically fall about in line with Rod's, I'm gonna skip this one. On the basis that everything Tarantino has been horseshit and therefore this will be no different. Horeshit.
(that's 4 horseshit's now, for those keeping track. 5 now).
November 4th, 2009 at 1:37 amI like it when commenters think that we never criticize movies we enjoy. We all liked the original Star Wars trilogy, right? We can still ask why Yoda says that Luke's "training is complete" after originally implying that Jedi must train for years, starting from childhood. It doesn't mean we hated the movies, but it's a valid criticism.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:43 pmThis was hilarious. But come on guys. This movie was excellent.
Even Rod knows that.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:03 amCHRISTOPH WALTZ
DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!
That, ladies and gents, is why I read these scripts. Rod, keep it up.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:37 pmDid you miss everyone just saying yeah this film sucked? I wasn't refering to, say, people agreeing Eli Roth is terrible, just all the outright dismissal of the film.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:07 pmAdmittedly a minority of people but ok.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:09 pmHe was just saying "Your training is complete… enough at this point, even though you still aren't as fully trained a Jedi as most Jedi are". You have to read between Yoda's lines. The fact that they had said previously that true Jedi must be trained from childhood makes the true meaning of Yoda's line clear.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:54 amFunny stuff.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:10 pmI think you should do one for Paranormal Activity.
Though, it might be too easy for you.
Great job-especially roasting Eli Roth. That hypocritical douche gets on my nerves more every time I see him. Yeah, zero things. Hear, hear!
November 12th, 2009 at 2:37 pmBut I was expecting you to mention the storytelling voiceover (or however he was credited) of SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON. I wonder if I can put that (SLMOFOJ) on a T-shirt… thanks for the good laugh as always, dude!
Remember, girls: if your ex-boyfriend won't talk to you, act extremely suicidal in order to win him back.
Where my fuckin New Moon script, fool? Trill is when you HUSTLE, and right now, you ain't Trill at all. AT ALL. At all.
November 25th, 2009 at 7:52 amWhen your man leaves, the only acceptable substitute is a hallucination that you only see when you're about to die.
November 25th, 2009 at 8:24 pmFunny script although I liked the movie
November 26th, 2009 at 5:00 am"Where my fuckin New Moon script, fool?"
…Unfortunately, Chris Weitz somehow managed to PRE-EMPTIVELY FILM the "abridged script" for New Moon, thus negating any attempt at parody…
December 1st, 2009 at 5:34 amI also think that every film is created to form around what I want not what it wants! *High-Five*
December 5th, 2009 at 9:15 pmIt has been AGES where is the TWILIGHT: NEW MOON abridged script?! I know the movie is funny enough by itself – but there is a DEMAND for you! It better be EPIC!!! It better put a reality slap to the face to every Twilight fan out there in the most HILARIOUS way imaginable! It better bash Stephanie Meyer as well as Inglourious Basterds (Tarantino's film that is – not the abridged) bashed Hitler!
December 7th, 2009 at 3:07 amYou forgot the biggest bug of all: even drunken germans write instead "Gengis Khan" always "Dschingis Khan" – while August Diehl detects some very, very subtil hints for an anti-german conspiracy of some SCOTCH drinking Germans in a FRENCH pub – among them a Nazi-killer-"lookalike" – one of the guys at the table next to him is very obviously an anglophone spy. Ok, Diehl didn´t see that, but Diane Kruger or someone should use that as red herring: "Gut, dass ich Sie sehe, Herr Sturmbannführer, ich muss dringend eine Meldung machen…"
December 14th, 2009 at 3:07 pmOr someone had to tell it Tarantino, befor demonstrating knowledge of subtil german bodylanguage and dialects. :-)
Man, its SOOOOOOO awesome how dozens of fucksticks quote stuff from the script i read 10 seconds ago! I sure am glad i have no memory.
January 11th, 2010 at 12:44 pmLol so you know the exact line of script they are talking about when their only commentary was "I liked the part when..?
January 19th, 2010 at 11:46 pmThis is my beef with basterds, A) The movie had some great scenes (standoff in the bar? fucking awesome) even the first scene (the milk scene?) great dialogue, introduced a great character..only to bust his credit not even 15 fucking minutes into the movie. The guy is clearly there for the sole purpose of killing those people so why does he just let the girl run away? B) the whole movie theater thing couldn't be a little more subtle? C) Hitler, the guy was one of the most complex and evil men in history, which is why breaking down his whole character into a two minute temper tantrum makes this feel less like Tarantinos masterpiece and more like I'm watching an episode of family guy. It could have been better.
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:44 pmI how many times do people have to say it, you can still mock what you love. I honestly think it makes you appreciate a film on another level, by pointing out its flaws you embrace the better aspects of the art. Not only that but you get hilarious scripts like the one above.
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:51 pmAlthough I still don't understand how in the hell Revenge of the Sith got a 5/5. Really Rod? Hayden Christensen, nuff said.
Tarantino will never top Reservoir Dogs, imho.
January 27th, 2010 at 10:52 pmI mean, the opening scene of this movie is one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history. Tarantino and Waltz did a hell of a job in that scene. They made it as long and suspenseful and almost brutal to the audience, as it was for the people in that house.
This article is ridiculous. Tarantino made an awesome movie. To me, this article feels like it was written by a failed and bitter writer or filmmaker.
February 20th, 2010 at 12:19 pmTTHE FUNNIEST PART: GIVIN' IT FOUR STARS!!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:35 pm